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A U.S. doctor said he used his Apple Watch to detect a deadly heart condition. The watch determined he was lifting a Double Whopper at Burger King.

The FDA approved Vyleesi, a drug to stimulate women’s sexual desire, administered via self-injection to the thigh or abdomen. However, women are advised against telling their partner they’re ready for sex because they just stabbed themselves in the stomach.

A French golfer was disqualified from a tournament because he ran out of balls on the 16th hole. The French golfer contended it wasn’t disqualification, it was surrender.

A University of California – Irvine study claims ocean bacteria colonize your body after 10 minutes of swimming. Bacteria at the Jersey Shore colonized swimmers’ bodies and made them smell like Polo and Drakkar Noir.

The Centers for Disease Control claims 1 in 4 Americans suffer from arthritis. They actually believe the number is even higher, because arthritic shoulders keep some from raising their hands to be counted.

‘Love & Hip Hop’ star Teairra Mari was arrested for DUI after driving her car through the Queens-Midtown Tunnel with only three wheels. She’s scheduled to appear in court, and then in an upcoming episode of ‘Pimp My Four-Door Tricycle’.

Senator Bernie Sanders is proposing the elimination of all $1.6 trillion in student debt by taxing Wall Street institutions. “Cool!” said a master’s degree holder in art history during their break at an Amazon warehouse.

Half of the global Internet was down as of 7a.m. Monday morning. If you’re reading this, nevermind.

Manhattan Cryobank – a New York City sperm bank – is facing multiple lawsuits from buyers who claim they were sold sperm carrying genetic diseases. They’re seeking financial damages, and have refused Manhattan Cryobank’s offer of store credit.

In Spain, citizens celebrated El Colacho, where men dress as devils and hurdle over newborn babies to drive away evil. Only thin, athletic “devils” are used for obvious reasons.

 

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A U.S. man vacationing in Australia survived multiple injuries after falling from a hang glider ride;  he’d hung on for 4 minutes after the pilot forgot to strap him in. The pilot defended himself, saying he’d turned on the fasten seat belt sign. 

Republican Cindy Hyde-Smith won the Mississippi run-off election for the state’s second U.S. Senate seat, despite making racially charged comments about public hangings and Confederate history. Declaring victory, she told supporters “the South shall rise again.”

He Jankui, the Chinese scientist who stunned the world by claiming he created the first gene-edited babies defended his actions, saying he did so to prevent them from contracting HIV…and to make them taller…and hot. 

Bruce Springsteen revealed in an Esquire interview that he struggles with mental health issues. He stated there was period of time in his songwriting when his depression completely shut down his ability to compare women to automobile engines. 

Pierce Brosnan reunited with his three on-screen stepchildren – Mara Wilson; Lisa Jakub; and Matthew Lawrence – to commemorate the 25th anniversary of Mrs. Doubtfire. They took pictures together, then visited Mrs. Doubtfire’s two graves. 

During a friendly round of golf with his son and fellow pro Fred Couples, Tiger Woods sunk his first actual hole-in-one in 20 years. Woods said it was good to see a real one, since he’s used to seeing “hole-in-one” next to his name in about 100 sex puns a week. 

Former Facebook manager Mark Luckie made public a memo he’d written to top execs accompanying his resignation. Luckie, who is black, cited the lack of black representation at Facebook. He said 3 other people resigned for the same reason,  putting Facebook’s black workforce at 2. 

Former FBI director James Comey said that new Acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker is “not the sharpest knife in our drawer.” Whitaker replied, asking what Comey meant. 

According to parenting website Baby Center, Sophia and Jackson are the most popular girl, and boy, baby names for the sixth consecutive year. However, gay and hipster couples who dislike traditional gender identifications have made Teebeedee increasingly popular. 

Wearable fitness trackers from Apple, Fitbit & Garmin may soon transmit warnings to users based on irregular heart rate patterns. Messages could range from ‘high beats per minute’ to ‘see a doctor’ to ‘nice knowing you’.

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Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.

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The Savannah Morning News published a photo of what’s been described as a “Loch Ness Monster type creature” lying on a Georgia beach. The next day, the creature was spotted at J.C. Penney saying the swimsuit didn’t work out.

The father of a teen boy with Down Syndrome is suing the Boy Scouts for stripping his son of merit badges and cancelling his Eagle Scout project. On the bright side, his friends think he’s a lot cooler now.

A peer-reviewed medical study concluded that Apple Watch can accurately detect abnormal heart rhythms – leading researchers to predict you’ll be hearing a lot more of “hey, I think that douchebag with the Apple Watch might be having a heart attack.”

Starbucks announced that they’ve achieved gender pay equity in the United States, right after they gave Jean’s paycheck to Gene and no one got pissed off.

A male birth control pill may be on the horizon. A preliminary study of 83 men ages 18 to 50 appears to confirm the pill’s efficacy, achieved by lowering testosterone, and by actually being Ambien.

Arthur Jones, a Holocaust denier and head of his own ‘America First Committee’, is the Republican nominee for Illinois’ 3rd District in the House of Representatives. Illinois’ Republican Party Chairman said that they won’t endorse Jones – at least until they know where he stands on universal health care.

In other Illinois political news, Democratic challenger for U.S. House 5th District Benjamin Wolf  lost his race to incumbent Mike Quigley. Wolf placed an ad on Pornhub showing him smoking pot. Following the results, he phoned Quigley to say “whatever dude” then hung up to watch a gangbang.

Two women entrepreneurs are launching CherryPicks, a film review site that will only publish content from female critics. Filmmakers aren’t worried about gender bias, since most of the women won’t even go watch the movies unless the right friend asks them to.

A 6-year-old Oregon girl digging in the dirt at her sister’s soccer game unearthed a 65-million-year-old fossil, but considered the day a bust since her cheap parents didn’t stop after the game for ice cream.

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A new clinical study claims that the Apple Watch can detect diabetes with 85% accuracy, great news for affluent, morbidly obese douchebags.

The City of Philadelphia is closing schools on Thursday to coincide with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles victory parade, as thousands of students line the streets to congratulate the Eagles, and thousands of dropouts line the halls of empty schools to loot them.

Since it snowed in Philadelphia on Wednesday and will continue to stay cold through Thursday, Santa Claus cancelled his appearance in the Eagles parade for his own safety.

Kylie Jenner announced ‘Stormi’ as the name of her newborn daughter, edging out ‘Buy My Baby’s Name.’

Sony announced an update to Playstation 4 software that allows parents to control how much time their children spend playing video games. The update also includes self-defense videos that parents can view to prepare for when their children use up their gaming time and throw controllers at them.

Wynn Resorts CEO and Founder Steve Wynn resigned amid claims of sexual misconduct at his company. Wynn says that he looks forward to pursuing sexual misconduct as a private citizen.

A former Connecticut high school principal and one-time ‘teacher of the year’ was sentenced to two years in prison for taking upskirt videos of young girls at Walmart, Five Below and Disney World. Prior to sentencing, the judge asked why he didn’t just order girls to the principal’s office.

New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels backed out of an agreement to become Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts. It’s rumored that McDaniels may have agreed to someday succeed Bill Belichick as Patriots Head Coach, or that he spent the day after the Super Bowl looking for something fun to do in Indianapolis.

Charlotte Veitner, University of Connecticut women’s field hockey all-time leading scorer, was arrested for shoplifting makeup from the campus bookstore. She was questioned by security as to why a women’s field hockey player would need makeup.

A woman in South Carolina was found outside a church holding her eyeball after intentionally hurting herself. She was subdued by sheriff’s deputies and EMTs, hospitalized, and will star in the movie being made from your Dad’s dirty joke book.

 

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A North Korean soldier – shot five times while defecting to South Korea – was saved during surgery, but doctors discovered parasitic worms up to 11 inches long living in his intestines. When asked what the worms were doing in there, doctors replied “starving.”

Boston Dynamics’ Atlas robot is now capable of doing a backflip. However, due to its metallic legs and flat chest, it was cut from the cheerleading squad.

During press interviews for Wheel of Fortune’s 35th anniversary season, Vanna White shared stories from grateful past contestants, saying one woman used her prize money to adopt a child. Vanna didn’t give any more details,  but she probably used the money to buy a Bea or Dee.

A new study from University of California San Francisco states that the Apple Watch can accurately detect hypertension and sleep apnea – this according to autopsies of heavy snorers who wear a watch to bed for some reason.

Cult leader and serial murderer Charles Manson died at age 83. No funeral arrangements have been made public, but you can assume they’ll be about as private as it gets.

Apple’s planned competitor to Amazon’s Echo – the Apple HomePod – is being delayed until 2018, because Siri is already slammed with too many dumb questions from iPhone & iPad owners during the holidays.

Business analysts say Victoria’s Secret sales are down 11% because women want more comfortable underwear. Victoria’s Secret executives are also concerned that plus-size underwear sales may suffer if Amazon Lingerie becomes a reality.

A new wearable fitness tracker, the Spire Health Tag, is a small thumb-sized transmitter that you stick to your workout apparel and leave there, even in the laundry. Its makers say that it will run for months on a button cell battery, or until it blacks out from the smell.

Ryan Seacrest denies allegations of inappropriate behavior levied by his former wardrobe stylist, saying at no point was he ever Seacrest Out.

The U.S. Navy called the sky-drawn penis made by one of its jet pilots ‘unacceptable’, especially since an Army jet flew up and drew a bigger one.

 

 

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Hurricane Irma is expected to hit South Florida later this week. Experts are concerned that it will arrive as a Category 5 hurricane, but expressed hope that Irma will pass through EPCOT Center and die of boredom.

  • Florida residents are being told to either evacuate, or take cover in the nearest sinkhole.

Madonna told her Instagram followers that she’d moved to Lisbon, Portugal over the summer. She would have shared the news sooner, but needed time to perfect a phony Portugese accent.

A 9 year-old Turkish boy with a rare cardiac condition – Brugada syndrome – had his heart stop as he bit in to a hot dog. He was resuscitated, and finished the hot dog after his mother cut it in to small pieces.

The WNBA Atlanta Dream fired coach Michael Cooper after sending him a text reading ‘we need to talk’.

Avocado prices are soaring to record highs. Chipotle workers are now saying “a lot more”.

The Boston Red Sox are accused of stealing signs from the New York Yankees during games this past weekend using iPhones and an Apple Watch. The cheating was confirmed when Red Sox coaches congratulated the Yankees baserunners on reaching 10,000 steps.

  • Red Sox coaches admitted to Major League Baseball officials that they made pitching changes to stall for time while waiting for iOS Updates.

President Trump and Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced plans to revoke DACA – Deferred Actions for Childhood Arrivals – raising fear among  ‘Dreamers’, illegal immigrants who arrived in the U.S. as children. Apple and Microsoft, however, promised to shield their ‘Dreamer’ workers, since those iPads and laptops aren’t going to build themselves.

A Swiss firm, Barry Callebaut, has introduced ‘red chocolate’, made from what it calls ruby cocoa beans. Red chocolate would join dark, milk and white chocolates as a cheap way to get through Valentine’s Day.

The Vice Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Stanley Fischer, announced he is stepping down October 13th. Fed Chairman Janet Yellen said that she is now planning the world’s most boring retirement party in the break room.

 

 

 

 

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President Trump is expected to lift an Obama-era ban on the sale of military equipment to local police forces, as Dunkin Donuts scrambles to add tank spaces to its parking lots.

Trump is expected to tour flood-ravaged Houston on Tuesday. He’ll circle the area in an Army helicopter for as long as it takes to find a golf course that’s open.

Amazon has lowered prices at newly-acquired Whole Foods. Whole Foods reports that they’re selling so much organic produce, the Red Cross is collecting donations to feed the fruit flies now starving at Whole Foods locations.

Spanish researchers shared findings that drinking four cups of coffee a day lowers risk of death by 30% in persons 45 and older. Starbucks is now accepting Medicare as payment.

The Food and Drug Administration is said to be cracking down on what they consider to be illegal stem cell clinics. The FDA’s website posted a warning letter it sent to U.S. Stem Cell Clinic in Sunrise Florida, and another letter it sent to Taco Bell for its Stem Cell Gordita Crunch.

Walmart is teaming up with Google to allow users to voice-order products via Google Home, to compete with Amazon’s Alexa. So, in the same way that Amazon users can say “Alexa, please order a bag of potato chips” from Amazon, Google Home users can say “Google, I sure’n would appreciate one of them there bags of pork rinds.” from Walmart.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg and wife Priscilla Chan welcomed their second daughter, August. August joins 2 year-old sister Max in a lifetime battle for Likes.

Fitbit introduced a $299 smartwatch, the Ionic, to compete with the Apple Watch. It tracks sleep and activity,  displays heart rate, stores music, and has a battery that lasts four days while it sits on your counter and you skip the gym.

Taylor Swift debuted the first single, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ from her forthcoming album Reputation. The song gives a co-writing credit to 90s one-hit wonder Right Said Fred — as Gerardo and Lou Bega wait by their respective phones for the big call.

Showtime is being sued for the low quality of its video stream experienced by customers watching the big Mayweather v McGregor fight online. Mayweather prevailed in a fight that lasted 10 rounds despite predictions of a fast finish, but it buffered for at least six more rounds.