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Traffic data indicate that post-pandemic commutes are shifting from 9-to-5 schedules to 10-to-4. This is validated by cops seeing more road rage shootings at 10:15a.m. & 4:15p.m..

Four million baby boomers are projected to retire each year for the next four years, creating opportunities for young job seekers in such areas as laying off baby boomers who don’t retire.

The FDA is set to approve new blood tests to detect Alzheimer’s and colon cancer. Cologuard may start testing for Alzheimer’s, as grandparents send boxed stool samples to their grandchildren for their birthdays by mistake.

Organizers of the San Francisco Marathon infuriated competitors in the Half-Marathon event, by mistakenly making it just 12.6 miles instead of 13.1. One entrant did complete a full half-marathon – he entered the marathon and had a heart attack after 13.1 miles.

Researchers in Japan determined a way to bond living skin tissue to a robot. Then every single one of them proposed marriage to the robots.

Intel is laying off 15,000 employees – who are now going fron IntelInside to IntelOutside.

The $269 Ninja Slushi – which cranks out frozen slush drinks in minutes – is a new viral sensation. Unfortunately, kids have wised up and won’t be fooled by broccoli slush no matter how fun it looks.

Lauryn ‘Pumpkin’ Efird – daughter of Mama June and sister of Honey Boo-Boo, filed for divorce from her husband of six years. They’ll share custody of two kids and Pumpkin-carve up the rest of their assets.

Tori Spelling said she’s planning to start an OnlyFans so she can send her kids to college. Spelling is 51 and has had five kids so she’s telling them to focus on community college.

A pregnant Cardi B is once again filing for divorce from husband Offset after another cheating allegation. This is believed to be her third divorce filing, according to her lawyer who was smart enough to keep the second filing in their Drafts folder.

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Netflix is phasing out its $11.99 Basic plan. Soon you’ll no longer be able to Netflix & Chill with a Basic bitch.

Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and will no longer seek reelection. He will, however, serve out the remainder of his term and continue to receive Secret Service protection from his dogs.

Cardi B. expressed excitement at the possibility of VP Kamala Harris being elected, saying she was sick of having a WAP – White Ass President.

Donald Trump said he was saved “by luck or by God” in his recent assassination attempt. “Definitely luck”, said God.

JD Vance’s wife, Usha, is the target of racist banter because of her Indian heritage. Donald Trump defended her, saying he’ll happily let her occupy Vice Presidential living quarters depending on how her credit report looks.

Israel President Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting Washington, and said his country will remain an ally of the U.S. no matter who replaces Biden, so long as they’re cool with bombing civilians in hospitals.

Delta Airlines cancelled more flights as it struggles to recover from the Microsoft/Crowdstrike outage. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines said they’re running at a full schedule with drunken cheapskate passengers pummelling each other in Crowdstrikes over armrests and whatnot.

Cuba said one million citizens left the country in the past two years. They also said there’s a nationwide shortage of tires because they’re all being used to make rafts to leave Cuba.

By the end of the week, all NFL players will be expected to report to their team’s Training Camp, or to the remaining dates of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

A Nigerian man played mobile game Dream League Soccer 2023 for 75 consecutive hours, setting a new Guinness World Record. Observers called it every bit as exciting as watching real-life soccer.

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A Mount Laurel, NJ man caught on video directing racial slurs at his neighbors was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Thousands of other New Jersey residents not recorded on video doing the same thing remain at large.

Mail order dental business Smile Direct Club is shutting down. Customers who haven’t finished straightening their teeth will be offered other do-it-yourself options from Home Depot.

Baseball star Shohei Ohtani is signing a record $700 million, 10-year deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to the $70 million per year, Ohtani will also receive Taylor Swift’s phone number.

A Pakistani woman escaped an arranged marriage to her cousin by joining the U.S Air Force. She’s now stationed at an Air Force base in Mississippi, where dozens of locals tell her marrying their cousin isn’t so bad.

A new study finds owning a cat could double the risk of developing schizophrenia. The cat is fine with it so long as it gets fed.

Lindsay & Cade Brown are stepsiblings with a growing TikTok following, who share videos about how they got married and started a family. They’re also set to star in Pornhub’s first-ever sitcom.

Ana Akiva. a former pastor in Brazil, joined OnlyFans. She doesn’t see why Catholic priests should be the only ones who get to show their naked body to teenage boys.

A vampire-slaying kit once owned by a British aristocrat sold at auction for nearly $16,000. The buyer said he didn’t want to spend the money, but four different exterminators turned him down.

University of Pennsylvania President Liz McGill resigned after being criticized for not taking a more forceful stance against antisemitism. McGill also cancelled her Hanukkah party due to projected low turnout.

Cardi B. confirmed she and her husband are calling it Offset. While they’ll no longer be husband & wife, he hopes they can still be a-Migos.

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A kangaroo that escaped while being transferred between zoos was captured in Canada, but punched a cop in the face while being apprehended. He was later hailed as a hero by other wrongly jailed kangaroos.

Godzilla Minus One, a Japanese-language monster movie, opened strongly at the U.S. box office. A sequel is reportedly in the works, Godzilla Plus One, where Godzilla brings a date to a family wedding.

Comic Relief US held their inaugural gala in New York City with a focus on reducing intergenerational poverty. Famous comics performed, then gave the money to broke comics that nobody’s heard of.

A New York Times investigation reported some air traffic controllers are drunk and sleeping on the job. This concerned Spirit Airlines pilots, who say they rely on sober guidance when landing their aircraft after five gin & tonics and a nap.

Missouri police pursued a suspected drunk driver while he towed a mobile home. He was apprehended after the pursuit, and was the state’s first DUI perpetrator to fail a field sobriety test in his bedroom.

A tanker carrying propane exploded in Vermont. Several alarms were issued, with multiple fire departments responding to create a pop-up chicken barbecue.

Victor Rocha, a career diplomat and former U.S. Ambassador to Bolivia, was arrested by the FBI and charged with serving as a spy for Cuba for decades. He was jailed and given a framed certificate for 40 years of government service.

Brenda Lee’s Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, recorded in 1958, became the oldest song to hit Number One on the Billboard Hot 100. Her success was noticed by Cardi B., who offered to duet with the 78-year-old Lee on her follow-up single, DAP.

Oxford University Press named ‘rizz’ its 2023 Word Of The Year. Rizz is short for charisma, can be used as either a noun or verb, and is destined to piss off someone who loses in Scrabble because of it.

Gino Hangenkotter remains on the run, the fourth escapee from a Philadelphia prison this year. The reward for information leading to his capture was increased to $2,000, and the reward for guards at the prison was increased to $13.75/hour.

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Delaware opened a first-of-its-kind mobile DMV office, open from 10a to 2p every Tuesday, to process up to 3 customers.

Lizzo is being sued for sexual harassment and for fat-shaming her backup dancers, in what’s expected to be the U.S.’s biggest Pot v Kettle lawsuit.

New Jersey’s Lieutenant Governor Sheila Oliver died at age 71. Arrangements are being made for state residents to view her and offer their congratulations on getting out of New Jersey.

A new Journal of the American Medical Association [JAMA] study concludes that men drink themselves to death more often than women, but female deaths from alcoholism are increasing more rapidly. The study is titled “Chicks Can Hang“.

Investigators concluded there is no connection between accused Gilgo Beach Long Island murderer Rex Heuermann and the 2006 deaths of women in Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey – finding that Gilgo is really more of a local serial killer beach.

Donald Trump’s latest indictment for attempting to overturn the results of the 2020 Presidential Election lists 21 lies he’s told about the election. There are more, but the special counsel’s assistant got carpal tunnel syndrome typing indictments.

Amazon Clinic, a 24/7 consultative medical health care service, is now available in all 50 states. Anyone can access it for medical advice, but priority is given to medical distress calls for Amazon warehouse workers.

A study of 1,000 adults found that sleeping late on weekends is bad for adults overall health. They advise sleeping in during the week, which is better for your health and bad for your career.

Argentina fast-food restaurant Honky Donky stirred outrage in the Jewish community by offering an Anne Frank burger and Adolf fries. Honky Donky admitted that few people were ordering the burger since it initially was only on their hidden menu.

The mic Cardi B threw at an audience member [and missed] who tossed a drink on her during a Las Vegas show is being auctioned off for charity. Unfortunately, none of the proceeds go to the concertgoer who was WAP’d in the head by it.

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Reddit introduced comment searching, making it quicker to find your favorite examples of racism, sexism & right-wing extremism.

Cardi B & husband Offset revealed the name of their newborn son, Wave. They also shared the baby’s first photos – Wave to the camera.

Ramiro Alanis of Florida saw ‘Spider Man: No Way Home’ in theatres 292 times between December, 2021 and March, 2022, breaking the world record for single viewings of a film. Alanis spent $3,400 on tickets, and $43,000 removing a popcorn blockage in his colon.

Bird experts advise temporarily taking down bird feeders and bird baths to slow the spread of Bird Flu. They also say you shouldn’t put Nyquil in hummingbird feeders.

200 birds died of Bird Flu at a Chicago-area forest preserve. Officials say this is the first time they’ve seen this many dead creatures in Chicago without bullet holes.

The United States and United Kingdom are each investigating mysterious cases of hepatitis in children as early as 1-year-old. They say finding the root cause is challenging because they’re too young to have eaten at Taco Bell.

A$AP Rocky is denying rumors that he cheated on, and split from, pregnant partner Rihanna. He said the press obviously has him confused with his cousin A$AP Horny.

A Chinese race car driver on a frozen lake drifted for 3.87 miles, breaking the world record for longest continuous drift. Meanwhile, in a spring snowstorm in Winnipeg, Canada, a different Chinese driver drifted for three blocks and broke the world record for hitting parked cars.

High end kitchenware retailer Sur La Table launched their first-ever furniture line, Sur La Overpriced Chairs.

An Elizabeth, New Jersey man was arrested and charged for running over a woman several times with his SUV. An official with the New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles called it “the worst driver’s test parallel parking I’ve ever seen”.

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City College of New York received an anonymous cash donation of $180,000, mailed in a plain cardboard box in 2020 by an alum from Florida who, in a note, wrote they received a CCNY masters in physics, then PhDs in physics and astronomy, but never learned how checking accounts work.

Kimberly Bryant, the founder of Black Girls Code – a non-profit teaching tech skills to young women – was removed as head of the organization amidst ‘allegations of workplace impropriety’. Bryant will transition to her new venture, Black Girls Hooking Up At The Office.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady said the low hit that resulted in a season-ending knee injury to WR Chris Godwin should be removed from football – along with any low hits, torso hits, shoulder hits, head hits, and dirty looks directed at Tom Brady.

Saturday Night Live co-creator Lorne Michaels is rumored to be leaving the show in 2024, to focus on Saturday Night Off.

A viral TikTok shows a Dunkin Donuts worker filling an order for coffee with butter in it. The coffee was hard to drink because the customer wanted the butter on top of an everything bagel.

An advertising billionaire left the Mormon church over their stance on LGBTQ rights, saying he thinks gay guys should also be allowed to have six spouses.

The defense rested in the Ghislaine Maxwell trial, with Maxwell’s lawyers saying they really could use a massage after all that standing.

COVID-19 was the third-highest cause of death in the U.S. in 2020, trailing heart disease & cancer. Congressional Republicans introduced legislation to ensure Americans have the right to consume saturated fats and nicotine.

Pete Davidson spent the night at Kim Kardashian’s NYC hotel. Speculation mounted that the two enjoyed reverse-cowgirl sex, as Davidson left the hotel for a hospital, where x-rays revealed several cracked ribs.

Rapper Cardi B gifted husband Offset with a $2 million check at his 30th birthday party. Or, as Offset calls it, two months’ child support.

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The manager and eight employees at a Nebraska Burger King all walked out on their jobs and put ‘WE ALL QUIT’ on the large marquee sign in front of the restaurant. “Have it your way” said the owner.

Goldfish dumped in Michigan lakes are growing to over a foot in size, wreaking havoc with ecosystems. Wildlife experts don’t know how to get rid of them, since they’re too large to flush down a toilet.

The U.S. Government began issuing tax credit payments of $3,600 for children under age 6. Demand is surging for platinum rims and high-wattage stereos for tricycles.

Luxury watchmaker Tag Heuer debuted a Connected x Digital Watch featuring Super Mario that will retail for $2,150. Only 2,000 units will be sold, mostly to wealthy collectors who want to impress 10-year-olds.

Coca-Cola is changing Coke Zero Sugar to make it taste more like regular Coke Classic. They’re also considering changing the formula of Dasani Water to make it taste even more like a rusty schoolyard fountain.

Martin Lawrence’s daughter and Eddie Murphy’s son are dating, in what’s expected to bring a truly vulgar & hilarious breakup.

Cardi B gifted her daughter Kulture a diamond necklace for her 3rd birthday. Kulture then lost several baby teeth attempting to eat it.

Billionaire Melinda Gates visited New York City, with a security detail of six bodyguards and three SUVs. “Nice meeting you” said her Match.com date.

Actress Megan Fox said she visited Costa Rica and tried hallucinogen ayahuasca, saying she “went to hell for an eternity”. Fox now knows what it’s like to sit through one of her Transformers movies.

American Airlines crew duct-taped a woman to her seat after she experienced an in-flight “mental health episode” and tried to open the jet’s door. The woman said she chose American because Spirit Airlines charges $49 for the tape.

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Some California McDonald’s locations are offering COVID-19 vaccinations. Customers are happy with the free vaccine, but say the salt that workers shake onto the shot site kinda hurts.

Johnson & Johnson is exiting the opioid business, after paying out settlements to thousands of babies addicted to No More Tears w/Opioids Shampoo.

The Pacific Northwest is breaking climate records, with temperatures topping 100 degrees. Residents of Portland & Seattle are experiencing record cases of heat stroke; they want to support the sun because its product is cage-free and organic.

President Biden believes he’ll be able to pass a record infrastructure spending bill, creating thousands of good jobs and millions of angry Americans stuck in construction traffic.

Shootings in Chicago resulted in 63 wounded and 3 killed, in what officials are calling “Saturday”.

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled teachers must complete police training in order to carry guns in school. Ohio cops are making extra money on the weekend watching teachers shoot paper targets of unarmed students.

Kamala Harris finally visited the U.S./Mexico border and defended the timing of her trip – saying she got an even better rate at the Cancun Ritz Carlton than Ted & Heidi Cruz did a few months ago.

Afghans who assisted U.S. troops during the war will be relocated by the Biden Administration to protect them from Taliban retribution. That’s the good news, the bad news is they’re being relocated to North Dakota.

Scientists discovered a way to combine bacteria with plastic waste to create vanilla flavoring. They expect it to take a few more months before it’s used in a McFlurry.

Cardi B performed while pregnant at the BET Awards. However, she was on a strict ‘No Twerk’ order from her doctor to keep from concussing the baby.

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Comcast & Walmart are reportedly teaming up to develop and sell smart TVs. Or, TVs, anyway.

Florida is in the path of Tropical Storm Eta. It wasn’t at first, but Eta is a pretty big Biden supporter.

‘Platonic co-parenting’ is on the rise. Websites such as Modamily match individuals who want to raise a child together, but without marriage or a sexual relationship. Modamily.com’s biggest competitor is Divorce.

Anthropologists contend the human species survived because natural selection favored ‘nicer’ humans versus more aggressive Neanderthals. But they admit Neanderthal sex was probably a lot more fun.

A crate of oranges sold for $9,600 in Japan. Which is even more amazing when you find out they weren’t purchased at Whole Foods.

Fossils of a duckbill dinosaur were found in Africa, leading scientists to believe the species crossed oceans to get there. But the same fossils were found floating in the ocean, leading scientists to believe a lot of them weren’t exactly great swimmers.

A Lubbock, Texas Walmart employee announced she was quitting over the store’s public address system, calling male coworkers “perverts” and her boss a “big lazy bitch”. Her rant was deemed NSFW-EAW* [*Except At Walmart]

Kate Beckinsale posted a photo wearing a bra reading “VOTE”. Vote, Bra is also the official Election Day slogan of online influencers.

The City of Denver repealed a ban on pit bulls, making it legal for residents to own the breed. A last ditch appeal to keep the ban in place was filed by a lawyer representing toddlers holding hot dogs.

Delaware elected Sarah McBride, its first-ever transgender woman to the state House of Representatives. McBride says she now identifies as a “career politician”.