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Jury selection begins today in Donald Trump’s hush money trial. Seating the jury could take up to two weeks while they whittle down all of the candidates who ask for selfies and autographs.

Lori & George Schappell, the world’s oldest living conjoined twins, passed away at age 62. Memorial services are planned as soon as the family is done fighting with the funeral director over a 2-for-1 discount.

Roly Poly Bakery in Connecticut recalled their multigrain bread after officials issued a threat-to-life warning because it failed to list eggs as an ingredient. A grade school student who go a liverwurst sandwich made with the bread in his lunch issued their own threat-to-life warning to the parent who made it.

A&E Network premiered docuseries ‘Secrets of the Hells Angels’, detailing life inside the biker gang. The show promises to reveal innerworkings of criminal activity, initiation, and gang rituals – but unfortunately not their prize-winning chili recipe.

Scientists identified three previously-unknown species of ancient kangaroo, including one over 6 feet 6 inches tall. They were identified by skeletal remains and well-preserved basketball jerseys.

Gwen Stefani reunited with No Doubt to play Coachella on Saturday. The band was joined by pop superstar Olivia Rodrigo, and joined at other points by guys to deflect projectiles in case Stefani tried singing country songs she wrote with Blake Shelton.

New Apple Watch data finds it takes the average person 334 days to walk the equivalent of a marathon. Erroneous Apple Watch data also finds chronic masturbators complete a marathon every day.

CBS’ Sunday night telecast of Billy Joel’s 100th concert at Madison Square Garden started late, and was cut off in progress as CBS affiliate stations switched to local news at 11p – leaving many viewers angry at not knowing who started the fire.

MTV is reportedly cancelling reality show ‘Siesta Key’ after 5 seasons, saying now it’s just ‘Siesta’.

A New York woman, Sandra Weir, works as a ‘wedding nanny’ – reception guests leave their children with her while they party. She charges one fee for watching the kids, and a second fee for returning them after the parents get loaded and leave without them.

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MTV Teen Mom Janelle Evans is leaving her husband, asking for full custody of their child, and graduating to VH1 Adult Divorcee.

Just one day after retiring from the NFL, Jason Kelce made good on his promise to Buffalo Bills fans and jumped on to a flaming table, per their tailgate tradition. Kelce just needs to return to Buffalo, warm his hands down the back of his wife’s pants during a winter game, and throw a dildo on to the field to become Bills Mafia King.

A Microsoft engineer warned that the company’s Copilot AI image creator generates violent sexual imagery. Hearing this, dozens of high-school garage bands used it to make their album covers.

A Massachusetts man is suing the federal government for $9.5 million after he crashed his snowmobile in to a Blackhawk helicopter parked on a little-used airfeld. He lost his snowmobile, the use of his arm, and any fun he thought he’d have on a helicopter ride.

So You Think You Can Dance creator/producer/host Nigel Lythgoe faces his fourth sexual assault allegation in three months. Co-host Paula Abdul accused him of being Straight Up, and other women say he asked them So You Think You Can Take Off My Pants?.

CBS ordered a Young Sheldon spinoff series featuring older brother Georgie and wife Mandy, as they raise their baby together in Texas. It’s tentatively titled No Sheldon.

Director James Gunn shared the first shooting location of his Superman reboot – Norway, where Superman flees to his Fortress Of Solitude to wait it out and see just how f*cked up things are after the 2024 Presidential Election.

A man making a social media video walked in to a Glassboro, NJ store and dunked his head in a barrel of pickles, forcing the store to discard them. Police are asking for the public’s help, especially barbers if their customer’s head reeks of vinegar.

A Missouri teacher is accused of attempting to murder her husband by adding toxic lily of the valley plant to 8 beverages, causing severe illness. He’s recovering and learning how to make his own smoothies.

Buffalo Bils QB Josh Allen split his pants at dinner while in Paris with actress girlfriend Hailee Steinfeld as they attended Paris Fashion Week. Allen joked about the mishap, and was invited to model his torn pants at Buffalo Fashion Week.

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CBS Network announced that on certain Sunday evenings, ‘60 Minutes‘ will actually be ‘90 Minutes‘ long … and not just feel like it because your spouse makes you watch it before Sunday Night Football.

Drew Barrymore, whose talk show will air new installments amidst the Writers Guild strike, was dropped as host of the National Book Awards. She was disappointed, since she was hoping to grab some free cookbooks so she could make food to fill her hour-long show without writers.

Caesars Palace paid a $15 million ransom to foreign hackers who disabled their slot machines and hotel reservation system. In addition to the money, the hackers also demanded scantily-clad women bring them free drinks.

Outside of Chicago, a large outdoor tent collapsed at Cintas Corporation’s Employee Appreciation Luncheon, injuring 26 people. The injured were admitted to local hospitals, where they say the food was better.

Nazareth University in Upstate New York will have two young women majoring in Gerontology live in a senior care facility for three weeks…or three hours, after enough horny old men grab their asses and they can’t take it anymore.

A horse was rescued from a backyard pool in North Carolina. The horse was okay, although the diving board needs to be replaced after his awesome cannonball.

A United Airlines flight from New Jersey to Rome turned around and descended 28,000 feet in 8 minutes to address what pilots called a “pressurization issue” – and what Delta Airlines recently called a “diarrhea biohazard”, since the pressure originated in the Newark Airport food court.

China announced Defense Minister Li Shangfu is under investigation for corruption, which means he’s also under about six feet of dirt.

Nikki Bettis, a divorced single mother of 15 children ranging from age 4 to 25, is attempting to hike the Appalachian Trail with all of them. Nikki is hoping for a unique bonding experience, and to get the 15 down to a more affordable number.

A majority of Spain’s World Cup-winning women’s soccer team refuse to play matches following the unwanted kiss of player Jennifer Hermoso by ex-soccer boss Luis Rubiales. Players say they want real change, and have refused Spain Soccer Federation’s offer of an expensive dinner before future kisses.

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The Food & Drug Administration is planning to ban the sale of menthol cigarettes, a move that menthol smokers are calling “Not Kool”.

Philadelphia first responders rescued a woman who drove her car off of Freedom Pier into the Delaware River. She was rushed to an area hospital and informed that she failed the parallel parking segment of her driver’s test.

Princess Cruise line’s flagship Ruby Princess vessel is under investigation by the CDC after 37 passengers tested positive for COVID. They were given new COVID tests where a stick is held in front of their mouth as they vomit over the rail with norovirus.

Vladimir Putin accepted an invitation to the G20 Summit in Bali, Indonesia. He requested a block of hotel rooms for himself and fifty food tasters.

James Corden announced he’s leaving CBS’ ‘The Late Late Show’ in 2023, as viewers wonder if he could possibly do it Early Early.

Caitlyn Jenner called women’s collegiate swimming champion Lia Thomas “one of the worst things” to happen to the trans community. Jenner said she spoke from authority, as she is objectively the worst thing to happen to the trans community.

A man participating in research at University of Maryland drank a fecal matter smoothie to give him dystentery. He was paid $7,000 for participating in the study, and $5 to reimburse him for the smoothie he bought at Sonic.

Cancer Council brand sunscreen was recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because it contains benzene, a known carcinogen. Cancer Council executives learned of the recall while they accepted a Truth In Advertising Award.

Measles cases are up 80% globally. Health officials say they’ll continue to promote vaccination to at-risk individuals until they’re red-in-the-face.

A Florida man was arrested after a passenger in his golf cart died after the cart tipped over and he was thrown into traffic. The man failed a field sobriety test and was charged with manslaughter and GCUI.

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Homicides involving women have more than doubled in Philadelphia this year, as city leaders praise this bold step toward gender equality.

Congress is expected to approve a stopgap measure to avert a U.S. government shutdown, so government work can continue everywhere except Congress.

Irmgard Furchner, a 96-year-old former Nazi concentration camp secretary, fled before facing her trial for mass murder. “The accused is on the run” said a court official, before correcting to say “..or more likely on the walk, or roll..whatever”.

Facebook published two slide decks sharing its research on how Instagram impacts teens’ mental health. Because if there’s anything teen Instagram users like to look at, it’s 30-page PowerPoint presentations.

Dollar Tree hiked the prices of some items to over $1, and is considering changing the name of their stores to Big Spender.

A 57-year-old Michigan man reportedly drowned with a winning lottery ticket worth $45,000 in his pocket. Officials are waiting for the coroner’s report, but he disappeared after borrowing a blow dryer from a female coworker.

NASA reported multiple fireballs hurtling through the sky over the North Carolina coast last Friday evening – unrelated to the Fireballs hurtling down the throats of NASA employees at Friday evening’s office happy hour.

‘The Sopranos‘ prequel ‘Many Saints Of Newark‘ premieres tomorrow in theaters and on streaming, leading fans to seek out Many Ways To Pirate HBO Max.

Dog The Bounty Hunter claims he’s “closing in” on fugitive Brian Laundrie, taking the search to a “remote island” where he believes Laundrie is hiding – a remote island known to locals as “Maui”.

CBS ‘Big Brother‘ crowned its first black champion and winner of the $750,000 grand prize, who now goes by Wealthy Brother.

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CBS cancelled ‘God Friended Me’ after two seasons. Its rumored replacement is ‘God Wants NCIS: Miami’.

Bill Peters, former coach of the NHL Calgary Flames who was fired for using slurs, was hired by Russia’s KHL. “Alright, let’s get skating (Russian word for fa**ots)!!”, said Peters.

Best Buy furloughed 51,000 employees in what will forever be known as ‘The Geek Squad Massacre’.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms. They’re the Kansas City Chiefs uniforms and are hoping no one notices when they show up to grab the rings.

Returning Peace Corps volunteers will be eligible for expanded COVID-19 unemployment benefits, but many are more interested in how many of those malaria vaccines are still left.

Deceased Americans are receiving stimulus checks, report their now-less-sad relatives. 

March, 2020 was reportedly the first March without a school shooting since 2002 – unless, of course, you count all of the homeschool shootings. 

Burger King and KFC are planning limited reopenings in the U.K., for Brits nostalgic to get sick the way they used to before COVID-19.

Walt Disney World released its first-quarter injury report. It included older park visitors fracturing their legs, riders with chest pains, and a large, half-naked duck with severe sunburn. 

The Los Angeles Rams’ Brian Allen became the first known NFL player to test positive for COVID-19. He’s sitting alone in the blue sideline tent waiting for someone to tell him what to do. 

 

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Snoop Dogg posted a video online, saying furloughed government workers who vote for Trump in 2020 are “dumb motherf**kers”. However, Snoop is probably overestimating the willingness of Trump voters to watch an entire video featuring a black guy.

R Kelly plans to rebut claims made by women in the Lifetime docuseries ‘Surviving R Kelly’ with a new website survivinglies.com . Kelly said he’ll expose all of his accusers as liars, then probably celebrate by exposing himself.

Flu vaccines administered to kids via nasal mist are only 27% effective in targeting the predominant H1N1 strain of flu – versus traditional shots, which are almost 70% effective. Doctors encountering nervous kids are advised to tell them they’re getting the vaccine in their nose, and then jab a needle in it.

John Travolta posted a pic on Instagram with his head shaved bald.  It’s believed to be the first time he’s been seen without hair — although he kept his beard, wife Kelly Preston.

Broadcast networks are deciding whether to air President Trump’s oval office address at 9pm regarding immigration and border security. CBS has decided to air the speech, assuming their viewers will think it’s just another episode of ‘NCIS’.

Chicago’s Goose Island Brewery is offering free beer for a year to anyone who can make a 43-yard field goal – like the one missed by Bears Kicker Cody Parkey in Sunday’s NFL playoff loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. No word if Parkey plans to show up and leave without winning free beer.

Bill Timmons, CEO of Hacienda HealthCare in Phoenix resigned, after a female patient who’s been in a coma for 14 years at a Hacienda facility recently gave birth. The company apologized for the terrible lapse in security and failure to throw a gender reveal party.

Experts speculate that illness experienced by U.S. Embassy workers in Havana – caused by piercing humming & grinding noises – was the result of loud crickets. Scientists matched a recording of the sound to cricket activity, and also cited the embassy’s location next to a stand-up comedy open mic.

Carnival Cruise Lines said it’s delaying a plan to start charging passengers for room service delivered to their cabin. Those who enjoy cruises say they’re used to seeing some free items on the room service menu, and that it wouldn’t hurt crew members to bring snacks while they’re in the cabin cleaning vomit.

An investor who owns 1.7% of Dollar Tree wants the store to raise profits by selling items for more than $1. Dollar Tree execs are reluctant to do so, saying cashiers’ math skills are already stretched to the limit making change for stuff costing less than $1.

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Julie Chen – wife of former CBS CEO Les Moonves – announced that she’s leaving ‘The Talk’.  No replacement host has been named, but it’s expected to be the spouse of whoever takes Moonves’ old job.

A chef in Australia killed an Airbnb guest in a fight over rent, and left the victim face down in a chocolate cake. A judge denied the chef bail so that he could bake a new one.

A live lion’s mane jellyfish – the largest jellyfish species in the world – washed up on a beach in New Zealand. Its tentacles can reach 190 feet long and it can have a ‘bell’ diameter of up to 7 feet.  It’s so big that, if it stings you, 100 people need to urinate on the wound to save your life.

An 83-year-old Irish grandfather fought off three armed robbers with a hammer and shotgun when they entered a betting parlor in Glanmire, County Cork. The robbers demanded the money, but the old man didn’t get enraged until they tried to steal his whiskey.

The National Education Association states that 554 teachers are running for public office this fall, which is expected to create a huge demand for Substitute Politicians.

Roseanne Barr revealed that her old tv show’s reboot, ‘The Conners’ will kill her character off via death by opioid overdose. A leaked script details how her sister Jackie finds Roseanne unresponsive, having downed alcohol and oxycontin while trying to sit through an episode of ‘God Friended Me’.

Marvel Studios unveiled the trailer for ‘Captain Marvel’, starring Brie Larson as pilot-turned-superhero Carol Danvers. Captain Marvel is said to be the most powerful hero introduced in the Marvel Universe – and you guys would know why if you just LISTENED to her once in a while.

September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day or, as President Trump calls it, Tuesday.

SpaceX announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the first paid occupant of a SpaceX ship to fly around the moon. “He’s not driving, is he?” asked concerned Martians piloting other spaceships.

A Giant grocery store in Virginia destroyed multiple pallets of fruit after a customer was seen taking pieces of fruit, rubbing them on his bare buttocks, and putting them back.  He was arrested, but his lawyer argued that the banana and avocado stains on his skin prove that the fruit was over ripe for sale.

 

 

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The NFL Arizona Cardinals opened their season yesterday at home in newly-renamed State Farm Stadium. It used to be called University of Phoenix Stadium, but the for-profit college dropped out.

Horror movie ‘The Nun’ led the weekend box office with a huge $53.5 million opening weekend. The Vatican is considering the production of a sequel, ‘The Priest’, to fund child abuse settlements.

Actress Olivia Munn claims that she was shunned by co-stars in her new film ‘The Predator’, for calling out a male cast member as a registered sex offender. Ironically, he wasn’t playing the title character.

North Korea marked its 70th Anniversary with a huge military parade. Watchers noticed that nuclear missiles weren’t showed off in the parade; it’s unclear whether this was a sign of North Korean decnuclearization, or if the missiles were en route to vacation in Hawaii.

CBS Entertainment CEO Les Moonves stepped down as three more women leveled accusations of sexual harassment against the exec. Moonves is expected to remain out of the spotlight, but may be redeemed as a guest in an upcoming episode of new CBS show ‘God Friended Me.’

Coincidentally, today is the season premiere of Moonves’ wife Julie Chen’s afternoon show ‘The Talk’ – or, as it’s now known, ‘The Talk About My Husband’s Penis’.

Subway’s CEO says that the company’s famous $5 Footlong is going away – but will live on forever in the material of terrible stand up comedians.

NFL fans tweeted their hatred of a new Carrie Underwood ‘Sunday Night Football on NBC’ theme song, ‘Game On’. It was the first time cable operators reported service outages due to customers’ simultaneous pressing of the Mute button.

President Trump tweeted that he would ‘write the real book’ to set the record straight on his administration, following claims of dysfunction set forth in Bob Woodward’s upcoming book, ‘Fear’. Trump then asked Sean Hannity if he wants to write a book.

A couple who raised $400,000 on GoFundMe for a homeless addict are being investigated for spending much of the money on themselves. Cops confiscated items from the couple, including a BMW and drugs, which they bought because they wanted get the homeless guy’s Xmas presents early.

 

 

 

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”