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109 employees at Winter Park ski resort in Colorado tested positive for COVID-19, but so far nobody’s died with their boots on.

30 parrots were removed from the Philadelphia home of a man found dead in the back of a U-Haul. All 30 asked for a cracker, and a lawyer.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry announced they’re expecting a baby. The parents of two-year-old Archie haven’t disclosed if it’s a Betty or a Jughead.

Coca-Cola will trial selling drinks in paper bottles this summer. They decided on paper because the ones made of tooth enamel dissolved too quickly.

The daughter of the Lombardi Trophy silversmith wants an apology from Tom Brady for tossing it between boats in the Tampa Bay Buccaneers Super Bowl victory parade. No one has the heart to tell her about Rob Gronkowski trying to have sex with it.

Students learning at home are more stressed than their peers learning in classrooms, since many of them are too dumb to realize how remote learning makes it so much easier to cheat.

The Daytona 500 was delayed for six hours by rain and ended shortly after midnight. Many of the announced crowd of 30,000 stuck around anyway, once they realized watching rain fall was every bit as exciting as a NASCAR race.

NASA’s Mars rover Perseverance is scheduled to land on Wednesday. NASA’s other Mars rover, Frustration, turned around and came back to Florida three weeks ago.

Katy Perry and Lionel Richie voted to send Claudia Conway – daughter of Trump adviser Kellyanne – to Hollywood on American Idol. Judge Luke Bryan dissented, saying a teen girl hating her parents should have a sad country song about it by now.

Drinking three cups of coffee a day may reduce the risk of prostate cancer – especially if it’s Dunkin coffee, since it destroys the prostate altogether.

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Joe Biden issued an Executive Order directing the U.S. Postal Service to use electric vehicles. “Electric vehicles” meaning mail trucks, and robots trained to deliver mail slowly to the wrong house.

Anti-violence groups in Philadelphia held a gun buyback event, where each gun could be exchanged for $100 in grocery store gift cards. In other news, police are seeking an armed robber who stole 100 guns and $10,000 in grocery store gift cards.

United Nations Secretary General Antonio Guterres urged the forming of a global alliance to end white supremacy & neo-Nazism. The effort would be led by Dr. Henry Walton “Indiana” Jones, Jr.

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell was permanently suspended from Twitter for spreading lies about the presidential election. He took to Parler and Gab to say he won’t end the pillow fight.

A court in India ruled that groping over clothing without skin-on-skin contact is not sexual assault. The ruling was followed by a groundbreaking ceremony for a new Trump hotel and golf complex in India.

Pizza Hut announced the nationwide rollout of a new Detroit-style pizza. They say it’s thick like a Chicago-style pizza, only rectangular, and you don’t have to shoot the driver delivering it.

A judge ordered the surveillance sex video of New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft at Orchids of Asia spa be destroyed. The workers can still keep their Super Bowl rings.

Canadian legislators voted unanimously to designate the Proud Boys a white supremacist terrorist group. Or, as they’re known in Canada, the Prood Buys.

Kellyanne Conway is accused of posting a topless image of her 16-year-old daughter on Twitter. “And you suspend ME?” said the My Pillow guy.

Cops in Arizona are looking for prison escapees who used a large air conditioning unit as a battering ram to access a closet for tools used in their escape. Remaining inmates are waiting to beat the sh*t out of them for breaking the air conditioner.

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As she left the altar, a female parishioner at a Philadelphia Catholic mass was punched in the face by another woman. The victim received the body of Christ, and the knuckles of Christine.

Kellyanne Conway’s daughter, Claudia, said on social media that she’s “pushing for emancipation”. To prove he’s the greatest president since Lincoln, Donald Trump will deliver her Emancipation Proclamation at Yo-Semite National Park.

Nancy Pelosi called the House of Representatives into a special weekend session to pass a $25 billion funding bill for the U.S. Postal Service. It’s the most money a woman has spent on a Saturday since the pandemic started.

The University of Mississippi’s student newspaper, The Daily Mississippian, printed a headline about the school reopening: ‘Are We Ready? Hell No.’ The paper gained national attention for its bold stance, and because they spelled Mississippian correctly.

In suburban Houston, a wedding guest shot the groom in the chest after the ceremony. The newlyweds said they wished they’d given out wine glasses instead of loaded handguns as wedding party favors.

An Arkansas farmer who confessed to killing a 26-year-old woman was the recipient of the county’s Family Of The Year award in 2016. In accordance with contest rules, the award now goes to the farm family that didn’t kill anybody.

The FDA is investigating a nine-state salmonella outbreak linked to peaches. Details are fuzzy.

A 4-year-old scored a hole-in-one at a golf course in West Virginia, then celebrated it with two more beers than he usually has after playing.

A $10 avocado slicer has 3,417 5-star reviews on Amazon – and a blistering 1-star review from someone with three fingers on their left hand.

Doctors in India removed a 110-pound ovarian tumor from a 233-pound woman. The woman and her tumor are both now happy to be a Size 4.

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Ellen Degeneres’ wife, Portia de Rossi, posted on social media “I Stand With Ellen”. And, in a follow-up, “I Stand Next To Ellen’s Piles Of Money”.

T-Mobile officially retired the Sprint brand on Monday. Customers are still accidentally saying “goddamned Sprint dropped my call again”.

COVID-19 testing centers are closed all along the east coast due to extreme weather. It gets worse, Isaias tested positive.

Glamour magazine released its list of The Biggest Haircut Trends for Autumn 2020. Topping the list? ‘Actually getting one’.

Scientists analyzing a fossilized dinosaur bone found that it was cancerous. The bone was discovered next to a pile of fossilized cigarette butts.

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter Claudia Conway called Donald Trump a “f***ing idiot” for suggesting children return to classrooms – and, in doing so, vaulted herself to the top of the list of potential Joe Biden running mates.

After losing his penis to an infection, a doctor constructed a new one on a man’s arm. Surgery will eventually move it between his legs, but until then his biggest issues are sex, urination, and proper-fitting long-sleeved shirts.

UFC founder Dana White said The Rock should ‘move fast’ on a reboot after acquiring the now-defunct XFL.  White added the first step should be combing the South Seas for a new XFL Island.

Someone put ‘Trump 2020’ stickers on the tracking collars of black bears in the Asheville, NC region. The stickers were removed and replaced with Blacks For Trump stickers.

Economists say the pandemic has created the first ‘female recession’ because of disproportionate impacts to jobs in child care and teaching. Women are reacting to COVID-19’s impact by not speaking to it.

 

 

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Three teens died in Brooklyn after their cars collided in a vacant lot while doing donuts. About a dozen disappointed cops arrived at the scene after hearing ‘donuts’.

A woman in Japan was found to have a black worm living in her tonsils after she ate contaminated sashimi. The woman recovered and the worm was returned to the 60 -degree refrigerated case at 7-Eleven.

Claudia Conway – daughter of Kellyanne & George Conway – said she’s being kicked off of social media as punishment by her parents. Since she’s 15 years old, thin and blond, she’s being grounded in the West Wing.

Reigning WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne said her request to opt out of the upcoming season due to past Lyme disease has been denied. The league said if she wants she can wear ‘Don’t Get Lyme Disease’ on her jersey.

School districts in Los Angeles and San Diego will conduct classes online-only in the fall. Teachers having inappropriate relationships with students will be limited to cybersex.

A Colorado squirrel tested positive for bubonic plague. The squirrel agreed to self-isolate for 14 days at one of your bird feeders.

Tucker Carlson’s head writer, Blake Neff, resigned after admitting to making racist and sexist posts in an online forum. Neff apologized, saying he mistakenly posted the material online when it was intended to go on Carlson’s teleprompter.

For the first time in months, New York City reported zero COVID-19 deaths – but several people died after New Yorkers fired guns into the air to celebrate the good news.

White Castle restaurants introduced Flippy, a robot that can flip burgers and fry food. “Stop calling me Flippy” said the 46-year-old divorced recovering addict working at White Castle.

Scientists studying voles – small rodents living in China – found their feel-good dopamine levels increase when they eat their own poop. They believe it’s because it’s better than whatever their partner made for dinner.