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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

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A Key West, Florida man was arrested for pointing a gun at a driver who told him he had a small penis – in effect, proving the driver right.

Apple opened preorders for its newest iPhones – giving Americans one more thing they can get pissed off about waiting for.

The latest issue of Marvel Comics ‘Black Widow’ reveals the superheroine now has a son – and he is her Marvel Universe.

Facebook shut down pro-Trump group ‘Stop The Steal’, after they created potentially violent events. The founder said that, while the group had 300,000 members, the violent events only had 20 ‘Going’ and 299,980 ‘Interested’.

Denmark will kill over 17,000 minks after discovering a mutated coronavirus strain in them. Like it or not, a lot of Danish people are getting coats for Christmas.

Russian lawmakers are considering a bill that would give President Vladimir Putin lifelong immunity from prosecution. Its progress is being watched closely by You-Know-Who.

Former Creed drummer Scott Phillips said the group is talking about a reunion – mainly, talking about what a bad idea it is.

The world’s seventh-ranked men’s tennis player, Alexander Zverev, is defending himself against abuse claims from a former girlfriend. Zverev said she, too, was abusive, making the whole situation a double-fault.

CVS Pharmacy’s parent company beat 3rd quarter earnings forecasts. Shares of CVS stock grew several inches.

CNN said a Pornhub banner displayed on its Election Results video wall was not real, adding that it was intended to be shown alongside the Trump White House Victory Party.

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CNN published a list of 6 Things To Look For during tonight’s presidential debate. All 6 are other shows airing at 9p.m.

The Tampa Bay Lightning defeated the Dallas Stars in six games to win the Stanley Cup in the NHL ‘bubble’ in Edmonton. They’ll be bringing the Cup home to share with fans in a superspreader event.

Grand jury proceedings in the Breonna Taylor case will be released to the public following a judge’s order. Then those documents will be summarized for the Cliff Notes Rioter’s Edition.

COVID-19 has claimed one million lives worldwide, and it’s looking forward to expanding that number once Tom Cruise gets to the International Space Station.

Amazon introduced Amazon One – a contactless way to authenticate purchases or allow ticketless entry by scanning your palm. It also won’t let you buy something or enter a stadium until you wash your filthy hands.

Scientists discovered evidence of multiple underground lakes on Mars; it’s signs next to the lakes reading “swim at your own risk”.

Disney + ‘GroupWatch’ is now available in the U.S. – so up to six different streamers can watch the same program at once, and one can tell the other five to shut the f*** up during The Mandalorian Season 2 premiere.

A new musical variety show debuted, featuring a singing hologram of Whitney Houston. Then it shut down when the hologram checked into rehab.

Pornhub is showing ‘Califreaknik Pool Party’ – film of a Labor Day party during the pandemic featuring nude dancers. Women who arrived topless were reportedly let in for free. Cops shut the party down despite dancers oiling their bodies with Purell.

Kylie Jenner posted bikini photos on Instagram, urging her 200 million followers to register and vote. So far several million morons followed her advice and cast votes for Kylie Jenner.

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Vermont banned placing food scraps in the trash. McDonald’s restaurants throughout the state introduced Compost Meals.

With a tenfold surge in cases since reopening, Florida is being called the new epicenter of coronavirus. “I guess we should get more Epi-Pens, then” said Governor Ron Desantis.

Donald Trump told Fox News Sean Hannity that he “aced” his cognitive evaluation, holding up the peg with four plastic donuts stacked largest to smallest.

A white Tennessee woman who shouted racist and homophobic slurs at a Black Lives Matter rally was fired from her job at a vision center. She asked for one final treatment at the office, claiming she couldn’t see color.

Johnny Depp testified in a British court that he called ex-wife Amber Heard “Amber Turd” after she defecated in their bed as a prank. He then testified that he called the cleaning lady to beg her not to quit.

A TikTok user shared a way to keep leftover avocado from browning in your refrigerator – don’t buy them.

The owner of a deli in Saratoga Springs, NY posted a sign telling “thirsty bros” not to ask his staff on dates while they’re trying to work, adding that they’ve already heard the ‘hot pastrami’ line dozens of times.

A Nazi-themed song on TikTok went viral, garnering 6.5 million views. “Maybe we don’t ban TikTok after all” said Donald Trump.

CNN contributor Ana Navarro addressed Americans who refuse to wear face masks, saying “wearing Spanx is harder”.  Spanx stopped selling face masks after multiple users reported collapsed noses and fractured jaws.

COVID-19 cases are surging in Mississippi – medical officials say intensive care barns don’t have enough available hay bales to admit new patients.

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Researchers are looking for 10,000 dogs in order to test a pill that may slow the aging process in canines. They need 10,000 in order to get 10 dogs that don’t spit out the pill.

A Mommy Blogger is advocating parents adopt “The 4 Gift Rule” for Christmas presents. A Child Blogger is suggesting parents follow “The Don’t Listen To Her Rule”.  [ story h/t to A.D. ]

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree for continuing to sell “unsafe drugs”. The specific drugs weren’t named publicly, but it’s believed they’re referring to top seller DollarContin.

An El Paso Walmart location that was the site of a mass shooting in August reopened this week. Walmart executives thought it was important to the community that the store open in time for residents to clobber each other on Black Friday.

After White House Advisor Stephen Miller was accused of promoting white supremacist literature, Democrats are calling for his resignation. “Yeah but if I quit, like. FIFTY other white racists will have to quit working here too” argued Miller.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions contestants are asking viewers to play along at home and donate $1 for each correct response to pancreatic cancer research in honor of Alex Trebek. They also ask that you don’t deduct $1 for wrong answers, you cheap idiots.

An Iowa City Methodist pastor accused of being a “practicing homosexual” is taking a leave of absence amidst complaints. The complaints are from parishioners who can’t believe the church floral arrangements are so terrible.

The Centers for Disease Control say smoking reached its lowest level ever in 2018. Most likely smokers are between ages 25 and 44, gay or bisexual, and members of certain minority groups. CNN anchor Don Lemon was introduced as the new Marlboro Man.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said one customer demanded a full refund because the property they rented was haunted by a ghost. Chesky would not identify the customer, referring to him only as “Shaggy”.

Nine-year-old Laurent Simons will receive a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Eindhoven University of Technology in Belgium. He plans on a career in medicine – a decision he made after becoming ill chugging juice boxes at his fraternity hazing.

A U.K. inventor flew over 85 mph in a backpack-mounted jet engine suit, breaking the world record. He was asked how he felt after the flight, but waited to answer until his ass stopped burning.

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The first food truck exclusively for dogs debuted in Seattle. It was open for a day before it was totaled by the dog driving it.

Acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony is reportedly considering having another child. She’s been interviewing nannies who don’t necessarily have to be good with children.

Police and medical personnel were called to a Philadelphia city school when several junior high students ate rice krispies treats containing marijuana. A school guidance counselor led an emergency assembly to teach students how to vape their pot instead.

A son who murdered his investment banker father after his weekly allowance was cut from $1,000 to $300 was convicted and sentenced to 30 years to life. He’s still pretty stoked, since $300 a week goes a long way at the prison store.

Christie Brinkley posted a photo on Instagram of her severely bruised arm, which led to her subbing in her daughter Sailor on Dancing With The Stars. The bruise is so bad, everyone wondered where DWTS contestant Ray Lewis was when it happened.

Tech entrepreneur Alexander Rhodes and founder of “porn recovery” site NoFap told CNN he was addicted to porn when he was 12 years old until he turned 25. He thanks his life turnaround to abstinence from masturbation and a new prosthetic arm.

Rutgers named Nunzio Campanille interim head football coach, firing Chris Ash after losing their last three games by a combined 112-16. Asked if he thinks the 1-3 team will go to a bowl game, Coach Nunzio said “ay, fuggeddaboutit!”.

Elon Musk said a SpaceX rocket could reach Mars next year. All it needs is a recharging station on the moon.

Forever 21 declared bankruptcy and will close 178 stores, in what they’re calling The Big So-Much-For-Forever Sale.

CNN posted a list of the best questions to ask during a job interview. Not on the list: “Are those real?”

 

 

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Pet supply company Chewy raised over $1 billion in its initial public stock offering. “Who’s a good boy!?” said the CEO to the lead investment banker.

A Southwest Airlines passenger was bombarded with nude photos sent to her by a male passenger via Apple AirDrop. Flight attendants made an announcement for it to stop. The woman passenger was shocked, but pleased that the in-flight wifi worked so well.

O.J. Simpson started a Twitter account. Kato Kaelin is expected to join Twitter to take care of it for him.

CNN published a profile ‘What It’s Like To Be A White Woman Named LaKiesha’. Aside from the many other misunderstandings, she’s super-frustrated with all of the fundraising emails she gets from Blacks For Trump.

A mom said her 4-year-old son barely spoke until he heard the hit song ‘Old Town Road’ and started singing it. Now lots of people ask her to please shut up her non-verbal kid.

Mattel introduced Hot Wheels ID, ‘smart’ Hot Wheels cars that store data about how it performs in races, right up until your kid blows it up with firecrackers.

A shark bit an 8-year-old boy in the leg off the coast of North Carolina. The boy was rushed to a hospital and is expected to recover, and the shark has to register as a child predator.

More than 260 dolphins have been found stranded off of the Gulf Coast near Florida, Louisiana & Alabama. Scientists are baffled, but the dolphins blame Spirit Airlines.

Americans were outraged by a Tweet from Bill Cosby reading “Hey hey hey .. It’s America’s Dad”, then commenting about the importance of fatherhood. However, President Trump was relieved to see convicted felons get to use Twitter in prison.

President Trump tweeted about the “motley crew” of Democratic presidential challengers, reminding his followers that he’s the one they call Dr Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel alright.

 

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Researchers developed a virtual reality video game, Sea Hero Quest, that they claim detects Alzheimer’s disease. In the game, players navigate a virtual boat. Those with early-stage Alzheimer’s do a poor job navigating the boat to checkpoints. Those with really bad Alzheimer’s drown.

Amazon is upgrading Amazon Prime from free two-day shipping to free one-day shipping, so customers can have packages stolen in half the time.

The U.S. Navy fired Rear Admiral John Ring, Commander of Guantanamo Bay prison, for “loss of confidence in his ability to command”. Ring accepted the decision, but said he’s going to continue looking for those missing cell keys.

The National Rifle Association is in a power struggle, with longtime executive Wayne LaPierre accusing outgoing President Oliver North of trying to get him fired. Members don’t understand why the two can’t just settle their differences with guns.

Burger King plans to roll out the meatless Impossible Whopper to all of its U.S. restaurants after a successful test run. Diners said they wanted an option that allowed them to take a break from meat, without resorting to eating at Arby’s.

Fishermen off Norway’s coast spotted a beluga whale wearing a harness equipped with mounts for GoPro cameras. They think the whale may have been trained by Russians, based on markings on the harness, and seeing Russian sailors’ heads peeking out of the whale’s blowhole.

According to a CNN tracker, President Donald Trump surpassed 10,000 lies told while in office – clearing the bar Friday when telling birthday girl Melania “you look prettier than the day I met you.”

Lee Stowell, a 54-year-old woman and former securities salesperson at Cantor Fitzgerald, is suing the firm and her coworkers for harassment, including putting feces in her Bernie Sanders coffee mug. The firm denies the allegations, and said they just have really lousy coffee.

A 44-year-old Baltimore woman received the first-ever transplanted kidney delivered by aerial drone to her hospital. Five other recipients are still waiting while their donor organs are retrieved from drones stuck in trees and on roofs.

Canadian users of the McDonald’s app allege they’re being hacked and being applied fradulent charges for food they never ordered. McDonald’s said they believe their app is secure, and that users should change their password to something other than Grimace.

 

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Bank of America announced it’s raising the minimum wage for employees to $20/hour, except for the dwarfs that live & work inside of its ATMs.

Disney planned to preview its new streaming service to investors, promising to deliver fan favorites like Star Wars & Marvel movies, Pixar animated features, and a lot of really old racist shit.

Bed, Bath & Beyond is closing 40 stores – or beyond.

The Food & Drug Administration approved a new treatment for postpartum depression, called ‘two weeks at grandma’s’.

The White House reportedly wanted detained illegal immigrants released to U.S. “sanctuary cities” to retaliate against Trump’s political foes. The plan backfired when immigrants agreed to return to their war-torn countries instead of risking living in sanctuary city Camden, New Jersey.

Julian Assange was arrested after living in asylum in Ecuador’s London Embassy for seven years. Ecuador said it ended his stay because of improper behavior – accusing him of spying, leaving dishes in the sink and not paying his share of the cable bill.

Upstart professional football league XFL may allow two forward passes on the same play, as long as the ball remains behind the line of scrimmage, and provided they’re not bankrupt after starting play in February, 2020 .

CNN reports that actress Lori Loughlin still isn’t ready to enter a plea deal as a result of mail fraud and money laundering charges from Operation Varsity Blues – saying she thinks bribing colleges is something “any mother would do”, provided they have millions of dollars and a daughter who’s an idiot.

Between 1995 and 2015, the number of kids under age 6 treated for swallowing toys, coins & batteries nearly doubled from 22,000 to 43,000. Doctors are concerned about the toys & batteries, but parents enjoy the modest payout from coins found potty training.

Reality star Kristin Cavallari said her on her E! show ‘Very Cavallari’ that her husband – retired NFL QB Jay Cutler – unclogged her milk ducts by sucking her breasts really hard. It’s the hardest Cutler has sucked since that season with the Miami Dolphins.

 

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A Utah high-school girl who wore a traditional cheongsam – a Chinese formal dress – to her prom, received backlash on Twitter for ‘cultural appropriation’ from some people of Chinese descent. They argue the cheongsam is only for Chinese women to wear for special occasions, or in Asian porno movies not set in a massage parlor.

Facebook will soon offer a dating service. They’ll also offer a gay dating service, Penisbook.

Facebook also announced a new “Clear History” button to remove digital traces of apps and sites that you’ve clicked in the past. So Congratulations! – for all anyone knows, you’re not a racist or pervert anymore!

Donald Trump’s former personal physician, Dr. Harold Bernstein, claims that Trump’s one-time bodyguard, Keith Schiller, raided his office in February, 2017 and took Trump’s medical files. Bernstein commented to NBC News that he felt “raped” – and that he should know rape, since he was once Ivana Trump’s doctor, too.

The New York Times published a list of 49 questions allegedly compiled by Special Counsel Robert Mueller that would be asked to President Trump. Trump condemned the leak of the question list, and the fact that they didn’t come with multiple-choice answers.

CNN reports that over 100 Uber drivers have been accused of sexual assault. Worse, the drivers plan to use the “They got where they were going, didn’t they?” defense.

Wall Street is worried about slowing demand for the iPhone, due to Apple’s reported cancellation of iPhone component orders. Apple has reportedly laid off so many factory workers, 7th grade classrooms in China now have waiting lists to get in.

‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Spongebob Squarepants’ top the list of Tony Award nominees, with 12 each. “Where else are you going to see quality entertainment like this?” asked Broadway producers who haven’t heard of basic cable.

The U.S. will return 3,000 ancient artifacts to Iraq that were smuggled into the U.S. under false identification and shipped to Hobby Lobby stores. They’ll also send 3,000 basket making kits because Hobby Lobby wants the Iraqis to have some good family fun.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘Goop’ released The Sex Issue – a guide to erotic pleasure for couples. Paltrow advises that couples share a copy and pass their Goop back & forth.