By |

Special Counsel Jack Smith obtained a search warrant for Donald Trump’s Twitter account. No word on discovery of incriminating evidence, but he sure did DM the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ quite a bit.

Security workers at Los Angeles SoFi Stadium are reportedly accepting $60-100 dollar bribes to let people without tickets in to Taylor Swift concerts. Then, once inside, they can buy $200 sweatshirts.

The Mayor of Tampa found bags of cocaine floating in the ocean while on vacation. Now she’s Mayor of Bogota, Colombia.

The Emmy Awards were postponed from September, 2023 to Martin Luther King Jr. Day in January, 2024. Actors will need to decide between the festive black-tie gala or the volunteer work they’d scheduled for that day.

The final season of Disney Channel’s High School Musical: The Musical: The Series reveals that original sweethearts Troy & Gabriella are now in couples therapy 15 years later. Oddly, the therapy is with their guidance counselors.

A white mother is suing Southwest Airlines over a crew inquring that she may be trafficking her biracial daughter. The woman states if she were a real human trafficker, she’d have flown Spirit Airlines for the deep-discount rates they offer to those in the industry.

Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Michael Lorenzen threw a no-hitter in his first home start for the team. His achievement was celebrated by Phillies fans throwing multiple hits at Washington Nationals fans in the parking lot.

Contestant Luke Valentine was removed from CBS’ ‘Big Brother‘ after repeatedly using the n-word on camera. Valentine will join the housemates on new CBS reality series ‘Bigot Brother‘.

Dorney Park amusement park in Allentown, Pennsylvania revealed plans for a new roller coaster, Iron Menace, to debut next year. They say it will simulate riding a rail car through a steel mill. At the end of the ride, everyone gets fired.

Three people in Australia died from ‘death cap’ mushroom poisoning after attending a family lunch. That evening’s family dinner featured a different caterer.

By |

The U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service declared the ivory-billed woodpecker officially extinct. 22 other lesser-known species were also named extinct, but nobody cares because they never got their own cartoon.

Former ‘Even Stevens’ star Christy Carlson Romano said she blew much of her Disney Channel earnings on psychic readings and crystals. Though she remains conflicted, since her psychic predicted she’d be really bad with money.

President Biden cancelled a trip to Chicago, saying he’ll remain in Washington to see his economic agenda get murdered, instead.

Lava continued to erupt from Spain’s La Palma volcano, flowing into the sea and releasing toxic gas – more lethal than a Monday morning after Sunday night three-bean paella suppers.

600 United Airlines employees face termination for defying the company’s vaccine mandate. The company is asking for their attention while they’re directed to the front & rear exits of Human Resources.

Starbucks, Panera & Dunkin are offering free coffee on National Coffee Day – but they’re each charging $5 to use the restroom.

37% of people infected with COVID-19 show symptoms six months later, according to the phone calls they make to their jobs asking for Friday off.

An Illinois man died of rabies from a bat bite. His family started a GoFundMe to buy him a black cape and a coffin he can sleep in during daytime.

‘No Time To Die‘ premieres after a long delay. It shows a busy James Bond getting vaccinated in the middle of a fistfight with unmasked bad guys.

MTV is planning a new ‘Teen Mom‘ spinoff featuring show alum & porn star Farrah Abraham, titled ‘Adult Skank‘.

By |

Drinking a strong cup of coffee a half-hour before exercise has been found to increase fat-burning. Drinking the same coffee during exercise increases mouth-and-skin-burning.

Demi Lovato says in her new documentary that she used crack, which presumably began during filming of her Disney Channel movie ‘Camp Rock’.

Prince’s Paisley Park estate will commemorate the 5th anniversary of his death by allowing a small number of guests to come in and view his ashes, but they won’t be told how they were made purple.

Joe Biden’s dogs Major & Champ returned to the White House following their completion of discipline training – although every Republican Senator voted against their reappointment.

California’s Hope Of The Valley mission will use a $500,000 donation from Alex Trebek’s estate to help fund a new homeless shelter. Categories include “What’s That Smell”?; ‘Where’s My Stuff?’; “Who Are You?”; and “Potpurri”.

Jay Leno apologized for past jokes that offended Asian-Americans. Larry the Cable Guy apologized for jokes that offended the intelligence of everyone who heard them.

Model Chrissy Teigen deleted her Twitter account, which had grown to over 13 million followers. She posted “Live well, tweeters. Please know all I ever cared about was you.” To which her husband and two children replied “huh?”

Discount grocer Aldi is giving employees four hours of paid time off to get COVID-19 vaccines, but they have to bring their own syringe and needle.

Pepsi and candy maker Peeps are collaborating on new Peeps-flavored Pepsi drinks. They’re calling it ‘Pepsi x Peeps’, after rejecting alternate names such as ‘Peepsi’, ‘Liquid Type 2’, and ‘Gorilla Glue For Your Teeth’.

New Zealand will now require employers offer three days’ paid leave after miscarriages – which is both a compassionate step at a difficult time, and the latest foolproof way to fake your way to a long weekend.

By |

The United States Senate acquitted Donald Trump in his impeachment trial. Trump issued a statement calling the decision a complete and total exoneration of banging Stormy Daniels and that Playmate.

Yum Brands – owner of Taco Bell, KFC & Pizza Hut – warned their 2020 results would be impacted by the Wuhan coronavirus. Yum has also halted the rollout of Stuffed Crust Wolf Lovers pizza, Wolf Chalupas, and Famous Wolf Bowls.

Google Maps is getting a redesign, making it easier to accept faster routes that save you 45 seconds by routing you through unfamiliar crime-riddled streets.

February 6th marks the first day of new federal regulations restricting sales of flavored vape pods and eliminating the marketing of vapes to minors. Disney Channel announced they’ll no longer air the episode ‘Handy Manny’s Mango Juul Break’.

Website BroadbandNow released its annual ranking of states where it’s easiest and hardest to get high-speed internet access for $60/month or less. Hawaii was ranked easiest, Alaska was ranked hardest, and Mississippi didn’t participate because who has $60 to throw around?!

Coca-Cola started aggressive marketing for its new Coke Energy drinks, for people who crave the unmistakable original Coke taste and an irregular heartbeat.

Google filed an application with the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office for an operating system it’s calling ‘Pigweed’. The Trump Administration seeks to block it, saying that’s the name they already registered for Nancy Pelosi.

Nike plans a summer 2020 release of its controversial Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT running shoe. The shoe was worn by Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge when he broke the two-hour marathon barrier, and will be worn by thousands hoping to break the ten-minute barrier waiting in line at Starbucks.

After proposing marriage to his dead wife’s maid of honor on the Dr Oz show, Dog the Bounty Hunter celebrated his birthday at Benihana with friends and family. The Asian servers serenaded Dog with ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘No I Don’t Want To Marry You’.

Peloton stock price dropped 12%, as executives reported more Peloton Wives gaining 10% and dropping husbands.

 

By |

Apple is rumored to be dropping the charging port from future iPhones. Users worry that dropping anything involving an iPhone will break the screen.

The wife of Papa John’s pizza founder John Schnatter filed for divorce. They will each receive four slices.

Actor Chris Pratt apologized after Aquaman star Jason Momoa criticized him for drinking from a single-use plastic water bottle. Pratt said from now on when he drinks from one on location, he’ll piss in the empty bottle to reuse it.

The FBI warns hackers use digital assistants like Google Assistant or Amazon Alexa to access your router and steal data. They advise “microsegmenting” your home network to secure it, so go ahead and call Xfinity customer service and wait a half hour to see if they’ve heard of it.

Inc Magazine listed tips on How To Be The Most Interesting Person At Your Office Holiday Party. They include smiling, making eye contact and listening — all of which become easier if you get really wasted.

Bill Nye The Science Guy is suing Disney for $28 million, claiming he’s owed profits from his 1990s television show, and that Disney showed age bias by refusing his requests to audition for The New Mickey Mouse Club.

The 9-3 Buffalo Bills are officially selling playoff tickets, although they’re really selling parkas and boots with the tickets stuffed in them.

Disney theme parks new Star Wars: Rise of the Resistance ride is a half-hour long. Park workers get extensive training teaching 6-year-olds to use The Force to ‘hold it’ until the ride’s over.

Customers in the U.K. who ordered Nintendo Switch game consoles on Amazon claim they were mistakenly shipped condoms, tambourines and electric toothbrushes. They’ll each get the Switch they ordered, along with free copies of Mario’s Horniest Party Ever.

Serena Williams wants to have another child, and is trying to get her eggs to accept sperm instead of hitting them back.

By |

Former head of Wikileaks Julian Assange, currently holed up in the Ecuadoran Embassy in London, said that his Internet connection had been cut off. Ecuador’s Ambassador is expected to unplug his modem, wait a minute, then plug it back in to see what happens.

Bridgestone introduced their new Tiger Woods golf ball. They’re the exact same balls that Tiger uses, minus the herpes.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un secretly visited China to meet with President Li Xinping, because the last three guys who tried to deliver his Chinese takeout to Pyongyang were shot at the border.

Former Disney Channel star Caroline Sunshine has joined the White House press team. She is expected to give White House pool reporters something else to look at while Sarah Huckabee Sanders is talking.

President Trump nominated White House physician Ronny Jackson to head the Veterans Administration, replacing David Shulkin. A press conference has been called to introduce Jackson, where he is expected to greet reporters, then resign.

Today show host Savannah Guthrie apologized for cursing live on-air. She didn’t realize her mic was live when she said “oh sh*t.” Later on Twitter she wrote “..So sorry guys, Thanks for being kind and understanding. You f*ckers are the best.”

A security gap in gay dating app Grindr is giving its users’ location to more prospective dates than they requested. It’s the first time a dating app plans to charge extra for a security flaw.

Frank S. Page, a Southern Baptist minister and CEO of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Executive Committee, resigned from his post after admitting to a “morally inappropriate” relationship. He declined to mention what the relationship entailed, but his pet goat was not made available for comment.

A new study concludes that single people who had bariatric weight loss surgery found increased rates of marriage and new relationships. However, for married people, extreme weight loss surgery coincided with increased rates of divorce and lost custody of the good snacks.

According to guidelines from the World Health Organization, the average U.S. child’s Easter Basket contains over a month’s worth of sugar, and a year’s worth of middle-aged adult depression from sugar crashes.

A restaurant in Vancouver fired a waiter for being rude to customers. The waiter, Guillaume Rey, filed a discrimination lawsuit, claiming that he’s not rude, he’s just French. A judge ordered Rey to appear in court, and Rey made fun of his order.