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An 11-foot pet alligator was seized at a home in Hamburg, New York, from a man who claims he had an exotic animal license, but it expired in 2021. The seizure was preceded by the first-ever 911 call the county received from a house cat.

The Los Angeles Dodgers minor league affiliate Rancho Cucamunga Quakes changed their nickname to Chaquetas. Chaqueta translates to ‘jacket’ and is intended to honor mariachi jackets, but is also slang for masturbation. Either way, they think local teen boys will be big Chaqueta fans.

Vladimir Putin was reelected to a six-year term as Russian president in an election criticized as being neither free or fair. Polls opened at 7a.m., and Russian state television projected Putin as the winner at 7:01a.m.

A longevity researcher claims people who eat a cup of beans every day live four years longer – but have difficulty remaining close to people for long periods of time.

Britain’s Princess Kate faces public pressure to speak out, as she’s not addressed the public since her abdominal surgery. Brits are applying even more pressure on Meghan Markle to stay away.

The most comprehensive study yet links ultra-processed foods to damage in all of the human body’s systems. The study cited early-onset dementia in grade school students who only ate Lunchables at recess.

AI-generated on-air talent is reportedly being used to spread misinformation on news broadcasts in Venezuela. Although some viewers could tell they were fake because the woman giving the weather wore loose clothing and had small breasts.

United Airlines CEO is addressing customers following a series of separate incidents, including a wheel falling off, a jet spewing hydraulic fluid, an engine fire, and a jet skidding off the runway. The CEO reassured customers that the in-flight wifi is better than ever.

Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom are launching a sports podcast, ‘Keeping Up With Sports’, to offer their takes on excellence in sports from the male and……………………………………………………………………………………………… female perspectives.

Donald Trump reportedly lacks the cash to secure a $454 million bond to appeal his civil financial fraud judgment in New York. Trump may be forced to liquidate assets and is privately soliciting bids on Trump Tower, Tiffany, Eric, Don Jr and his grandchildren.

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A motorist braking for a tarantula caused a traffic accident in California’s Death Valley National Park. The tarantula failed a field sobriety test and was led away in three pairs of handcuffs.

A janitor in New Jersey is charged with contaminating his elementary school’s food and utensils with saliva, feces & urine. The charges follow an investigation by school officials, and K-to-6th graders posting some brutal Yelp! reviews of the cafeteria.

Netflix is reportedly building a movie studio in Monmouth, New Jersey at a cost of $900 million – saying it’s cheaper than repeatedly flying Adam Sandler’s friends to Hawai’i and making terrible movies there.

Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was found guilty on all counts of financial fraud by 12 members of a jury who each couldn’t begin to tell you how cryptocurrency works.

Donald Trump Jr testified at his father’s financial fraud trial in New York, and told a courtroom sketch artist “make me look sexy”. The artist was relieved he didn’t tell them to make him look smart.

Australia’s most wanted man, drug trafficker and gang leader Hakan Ayik, was arrested in Turkey. Through attorneys, Ayik said he was not having a g’day.

Matthew Perry reportedly received $20 million annually in residual payments from Friends. Attorneys are currently evaluating how his estate will be settled amongst family, beneficiaries, and dating-app skanks.

The Beatles released ‘Now And Then’, a down-tempo John Lennon-penned song that you’ll listen to now, and then wish you never heard.

Three passengers on the Alaska Airlines/Horizon Air commuter jet where a co-pilot attempted to shut off the engines said they were suing for emotional distress. It was then determined that all three flew on Frontier and Spirit all the time, so they dropped their lawsuit.

Oprah released her annual “Favorite Things” list – a gift guide with stuff you can buy, and also free things like “farting after a big meal”.

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An Idaho woman is suing her fertility doctor, claiming he secretly used his own sperm to father her now 34-year-old daughter. The doctor’s lawyers informed the court he’d be using a “Hey, It Worked, Didn’t It?” Defense.

Two theme park operators, Six Flags and Cedar Fair, are merging in a deal valued at $8 billion dollars and over a million gallons of vomit.

Donald Trump lashed out on social media over a judge forcing Eric, Don Jr & Ivanka to testify in his financial fraud trial. “Leave my kids alone!” Trump posted, adding “I’ve left all of them alone for years.”

Cable channel TBS will air a ‘Best Of Chandler’ marathon starting November 1st to honor the late Matthew Perry. They’re finalizing on-screen graphics to differentiate it from the existing 22 hours every day they air ‘Friends‘ episodes.

A family is suing Panera Bread, claiming their daughter died after drinking highly caffeinated lemonade. Their case won’t be heard for years, after Panera lawyers settle dozens of lawsuits where customers choked to death on scones.

400 Americans were approved to leave war-torn Gaza. 250 of them could have left already, but they keep haggling for business & first class seat upgrades on the flights home.

Kim Kardashian announced her underwear brand, SKIMS, has entered a partnership with the NBA. Every NBA player will receive personalized instructions on removing SKIMS from new female friends they meet on the road.

Investigators determined two men escaped from a Philadelphia prison in May because a guard slept on the job, surveillance cameras didn’t work, a known hole in a fence was left unrepaired, and – perhaps most importantly – the prisoners broke their promise to stay inside and be good.

A dietitian released a list of foods that mimic the ingredients of popular weight loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. The list includes high-fiber items like rye bread & barley, and more controversial low-fiber items like the Quarter Pounder w/Ozempic.

Police are investigating AI-generated nude images of young female students circulated at a New Jersey high school. No arrests have been made, but the Computer Club has seen a gigantic spike in participation.

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Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers returned from his self-described four-day “darkness retreat” as rumors swirl around a trade. This is different from his recent 31-day darkness retreat – living in a Green Bay apartment all of January.

The Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled over 2 million Cosori air fryers because they can overheat and catch fire. Owners are advsed to return the units, or keep them if you like your chicken wings well-done.

Jesse Armstrong, creator of HBO hit series ‘Succession‘, announced Season 4 will be its last. Several assistant producers are currently battling to see who will run the sequel.

Cocaine Bear – a fictionalized account of a bear that ingests cocaine dumped by smugglers – premieres in theaters today. Also premiering is ‘Cocaine Bare’ – Donald Trump Jr doing a new YouTube video in the nude.

For the first time in 15 years, the American Academy of Pediatrics released guidelines for dealing with childhood obesity. Shockingly, replacing french fries with apple slices in Happy Meals isn’t cutting it.

A regulatory group ruled Miller Coors ads can’t say rival light beers “taste like water” because there’s no proof of the claim. In the same opinion, they ruled companies are allowed to make a provable claim that all U.S. light beers “taste like piss”.

Expecting mom Rihanna will perform her nominated song ‘Lift Me Up’ at the 2023 Oscars. It’s expected to be even lower-energy than her Super Bowl halftime show, so she’ll also say “Lift Me Up” from her chair after she’s finished singing it.

A U.K. fire chief banned the term “fireman” because it’s sexist. He then appeared at a 5th grade Career Day, where he heard from kids who want to be combustion extinguishers when they grow up.

A Mar a Lago visitor claims Donald Trump is “DJ-ing” at the club every Thursday night, playing songs from his iPad. Members are happy to see him, but say it’s not easy dancing to Camptown Races and God Bless The USA.

In a viral TikTok video, a woman who claims to have a “low waste” home says she makes “reusable toilet paper” out of old pajamas. Of the ten friends her daughter invited to a sleepover, she’s received ten “No”s.

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The New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman claims in her new book about Donald Trump that White House staff would occasionally find documents Trump had flushed down the toilet. Most were birthday & Fathers Day cards from Eric & Don Jr.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that her divorce is about making herself happy, adding that her 40s are about ‘Team Me’.. meaning herself, and Team Me’s 100 makeup, wardrobe and photo artists.

A Los Angeles woman died after falling from the third floor of a parking garage during a lesson for riding her new motorcycle. A family spokesperson said they may take legal action against Kneivel Driving Instructors.

A 70-year-old Italian woman was found dead at her kitchen table, still sitting in the same place where she died an estimated two years earlier. First responders said the pasta was really overcooked.

A Frontier Airlines passenger had to be restrained after falsely claiming a passenger in the row behind him was sticking him with a needle to steal his DNA. A Frontier flight attendant told him that wasn’t possible, because needles aren’t given out until drink service starts.

A Republican candidate for Oregon governor admitted he & his wife were formerly in a partner-swapping Facebook group, making Oregon a swing state.

The Biden Administration is earmarking $5 billion to install electric vehicle chargers at interstate highway rest stops – so drivers can hook up their cars to charge at the same places down-low gay men hook up with each other.

United Kingdom archaeologists found a Roman-era graveyard containing dozens of decapitated skeletons with skulls placed between their legs, in what they’re calling Europe’s first Halloween Spirit pop-up location.

Sportscaster Erin Andrews shared her favorite Tom Brady moment, when the QB threw passes with Andrews’ father at a Montana ranch, and asked Erin to “shag balls” – a duty usually reserved for Gisele Bundchen.

Scientists discovered a new planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun. Even more amazing is they found it with Zillow.

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Starbucks apologized for selling expired food in China. They say it takes a reeeeally long time to write out the customer’s names correctly on the orders.

Target recalled ‘Letters To Santa’ mailboxes due to laceration risk from the mail slot’s sharp edges. The recall was issued after Santa noticed a lot of his letters had small fingers in them.

Donald Trump Jr sent frantic texts to White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows on January 6th, trying to get then-President Trump to stop the violence. Trump Jr would’ve sent the message directly, but his father never gave him his phone number.

36 National Football League players tested positive for COVID-19 on Monday, the highest single-day total since testing was implemented. The 1-11-1 Detroit Lions traded all their COVID-positive players to upcoming opponents in the hope of racking up forfeit wins.

The 2022 Rivian R1T is the first all-electric pickup truck to win MotorTrend Truck of the Year. Its truck nutz are actually batteries.

Pfizer said its COVID-19 pill, Paxlovid, shows high effectiveness preventing COVID-related hospitalization and death, adding that its pill form makes it far easier than vaccines to get mind-control chips into patients.

NASA is tracking two British explorers on an 80-day, 2,200-mile walking trek across Antarctica, in preparation for future astronaut landings on Mars. So far, the most important feedback the explorers have given is “drive instead”.

New UFC women’s fighting champion Julianna Pena is celebrating her upset victory over champ Amanda Nunes by taking her 7-year-old daughter to Disney World – where she’d better behave.

Derrick Dillard, son-in-law of ‘19 Kids and Counting‘ patriarch Jim Bob Duggar, said he thinks the child porn conviction of Duggar’s son, Josh, will hurt Jim Bob’s campaign for Arkansas state senate. However, Jim Bob will tout his 18-1 record in raising non-pedophiles.

Danny Carey, drummer for Tool, was arrested following a physical altercation at the Kansas City airport. He was charged with misdemeanor assault, and acting like a total Tool, not just a quarter of it.

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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville said he called Donald Trump on January 6th to say Mike Pence was evacuated as rioters stormed the Capitol. Tuberville said “Mr. President, they just took the Vice President out..” Trump was satisfied that the hit he ordered was completed.

Kevin Hart was allegedly defrauded by his personal shopper for over $1 million in credit card charges. Although Hart was happy the 1 million Chase Freedom Unlimited reward points never expire.

Britney Spears has not seen the controversial ‘Framing Britney Spears’ documentary, because her conservator/father won’t pay for her cable bill.

Actress Gina Carano was fired from Disney + Star Wars drama ‘The Mandalorian’ following posts comparing being Republican to being a Jew in Nazi Germany. A Disney spokesperson said hurtful speech about Jews has been forbidden there for at least a year or two now.

Shia LaBeouf has entered an inpatient treatment program to deal with issues related to abusive behavior, after someone tricked him in to thinking he’ll be roommates with Marilyn Manson.

Hustler Magazine founder Larry Flynt passed away. If you’re sending flowers, make sure they’re pink.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she’s ready to accept if Donald Trump Jr. proposes. She added that she feels like they’re already married, because he finally gave her the name of his coke dealer.

Aaron Rodgers is confirmed to be engaged to actress Shailene Woodley, star of the ‘Divergent’ films. “Divergent” will also describe their respective locations while Rodgers lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin during football season.

Hormel is acquiring Planters Nuts in a $3.4 billion deal, with part of the money going to surgically repair Mr. Peanut’s bad eye.

A plastic surgeon successfully removed Gorilla Glue from Tessica Brown’s head during a 4-hour procedure. However, the same doctor needed multiple sutures to close scalp wounds after Brown ran her two-inch fingernails through her hair.

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Kirk Cameron was criticized for organizing a Christmas caroling event at a California mall, drawing 500 participants with few wearing masks or social distancing. Cameron himself got angry at the hundreds who stayed after for a seance to contact Boner.

Tom Cruise cursed out crew members on the London set of Mission Impossible 7 for not social distancing. After his rant, Cruise peeled off his mask to reveal he was actually Vice President-elect Kamala Harris!!

Mitch McConnell spoke on the Senate floor to finally congratulate Joe Biden on winning the 2020 election, then sent a photo to Donald Trump of his fingers crossed behind his back.

California Congressman Eric Swalwell addressed an Axios report about his relationship with suspected Chinese spy Christine Fang in 2015. Swalwell said he did not share sensitive information with Feng, and only loved her short time.

Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr both condemned government lockdowns of small businesses not ‘grounded in science’. This, from two people who were probably at some point grounded for failing science.

Hulu will produce a limited-run series about the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee sex tape. Their goal for the series is to get one one-thousandth of the views gotten by the sex tape.

California is reportedly ordering thousands of body bags as the COVID-19 death toll rises. They’re also telling relatives the bags take an extra week to arrive if they want them monogrammed.

MacKenzie Scott – ex-wife of Jeff Bezos – donated $4.2 billion of her estimated $60 billion fortune to charity in just the last four months, and stopped taking Donald Trump and Mike Pence’s calls when they found out about it.

A 5.000-year-old relic from the Great Pyramid of Giza was discovered in a cigar box in Scotland. It’s believed to be the world’s oldest souvenir refrigerator magnet.

The Federal Reserve announced they may make downward adjustments to interest rates, in order to lower mortgage rates and boost the economy. That way, people can buy houses now and maybe move into them a year later.

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Nevada is limiting Thanksgiving gatherings to 10 people. They also announced a Thursday pay-per-view fight between the 10th & 11th guys in line for turkey dinner at a Las Vegas homeless shelter.

A new study claims people over age 45 are at greater risk of sexually transmitted infections, because they’re no longer worried about pregnancy, and because can you believe how much money they want for condoms these days?!

A viral video shows a Florida man pulling a puppy from the mouth of an alligator. The puppy is fine, and the alligator is considering adopting a kitten.

Melania Trump is planning to decorate the White House for Christmas one last time, according to a stock clerk at the nearby Ollie’s Bargain Outlet who said they’re sold out of inflatables.

New York City cops broke up an 80-person swingers party in Queens over the weekend. Police did praise those in attendance for using protection, and for finding inventive new uses for Purell.

British pro soccer player Darnell Fisher faces league discipline after being caught grabbing an opponent’s penis twice. He wasn’t carded, because he avoided touching the balls.

150 cold-stunned turtles – who couldn’t navigate to warmer water in time – were rescued on or near Cape Cod beaches, then moved to safety…slowly.

The first COVID-19 vaccines will likely require individuals to get two shots, one where the health professional tries to give it to you, and a second time where you stop being a pussy and sit still.

Donald Trump Jr said that, despite his COVID-19 positive test, he’s completely asymptomatic. He then asked his girlfriend if that means he feels good or not.

New York City residents are spraying their cars with cinnamon and mint oil to ward off giant rats that chew through wiring and damage engines. Rats are reportedly frustrated, but they smell amazing.