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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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Pornhub will use a third party to verify the identities of persons uploading content -using publicly available identity data, not boob and penis pics like they used to.

Online war game Call of Duty: Warzone has found & booted over 60,000 confirmed cheaters. They won millions of battles, but lost the Warzone.

Filters on iOS 14 meant to prevent children from accessing adult content are blocking all searches containing the word “asian”. While that’s fixed, kids are still learning through iPad and iPhone searches related to MILFs, kink, and latinas.

Harvard scientist Avi Loeb claims he’s “more sure than ever” that we’ve been visited by alien life on Earth. As evidence, he cites his inability to find pants that fit over the probe they used.

Donald Trump was the only living President who did not make a live or recorded message for this week’s National Prayer Breakfast. It’s unclear whether his absence was due to his pending impeachment, or for McGriddles being left off the menu.

Trump sent an angry resignation letter to the Screen Actors Guild on the same day they released their nominations for the annual SAG Awards. The Guild rescinded SAG nominations for Trump’s neck and balls.

NBA players are reportedly angry that the league still plans to have an in-person All-Star Game in Atlanta this March – especially since all of the strippers who usually travel to the host city are only appearing via Zoom.

Casey Anthony is reportedly co-producing a documentary about the infamous murder of her daughter Caylee, including never-before-seen footage of Casey, who totally didn’t do it, asking if her daughter is dead yet.

Google released an infographic showing the most-searched-for food items for Super Bowl parties. People are happy for the pandemic, so they don’t have to attend parties and eat Delaware’s “prawn toast” or Mississippi’s “possum sliders”.

Experts studying 1971 footage of Alan Shepherd hitting two golf balls on the moon determined his shots traveled 24 and 40 yards, respectively. Since he could only hit that far in zero gravity, aliens waiting behind him asked if they could play through.

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McDonald’s is bringing back Spicy McNuggets, after the FDA found they kill the coronavirus on customer’s unwashed hands.

Most U.S. states have reported cases of the U.K. coronavirus variant. People with the virus feel terrible, except for 3 to 4pm when the virus breaks for tea.

Messaging platform Discord shut down the WallStreetBets server, where individual investors had rallied to counter hedge fund positions in GameStop stock. Since 98% of the group was already on an Incel [Involuntarily Celibate] group server, it wasn’t a big deal.

Spacewalking astronauts attempted to fix a European science platform outside the International Space Station. One European astronaut died when he lifted his facemask after stepping outside to smoke.

A new study claims reflected light from the full moon changes people’s sleep patterns without their realizing it. It also changes sleep patterns of people who do realize it as they run from werewolves.

Apple is reportedly testing a virtual reality headset, that you can wear to imagine being someone who has $1,200 to spend on an iPhone.

Facebook’s Independent Oversight Board met for the first time, overturning several decisions to remove posts, including some involving adult nudity. So, see for yourself if you think Stormy Daniels accurately described Donald Trump’s hog.

Students at Liberty High in Florida – where school resource officer Ethan Fournier was recorded body-slamming a female student – want Fournier fired. The Chemistry Club has also cancelled Fournier’s order for tear gas.

COVID-sniffing dogs checked arriving fans at a Miami Heat game for the first time. Things went smoothly, but the dogs were shocked that Snausages cost $9 each.

People stranded in a snowstorm in Oregon while returning from a COVID vaccine clinic used leftover vaccines to innoculate other stranded motorists. Oregon officials told impatient seniors not to drive their cars into snow drifts to speed things up.

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Godiva Chocolates is closing or selling all of their stores before March. Godiva, and thousands of relationships, will make their last stand this Valentine’s Day.

After complaining that a passenger seated behind him was coughing and sneezing non-stop, he was told by an angry Frontier Airlines flight attendant “you could drive instead”. Frontier then announced “you can drive instead” is their new ad slogan.

You Tube star JoJo Siwa announced she’s part of the LGBTQ+ community – specifically, the underrepresented singing-and-dancing part.

After being cited in an ethics complaint by seven fellow Senators, Josh Hawley of Missouri filed a counter-complaint against them, under the Articles Of I’m Rubber You’re Glue.

A plane pulling a banner calling Donald Trump a ‘pathetic loser’ flew over Mar-A-Lago. The plane was later identified as Air Force One.

President Biden will overturn restrictions on transgender persons serving in the U.S. military. However, transgender people are waiting to enlist while something is done about the hideous uniforms.

Researchers revealed California now has its own coronavirus variant. It prefers to be called Calivirus, and mutated to lose those ugly protruding spikes and lose weight.

Google Assistant added a Wellness section, which lets users ask about their personal fitness. But first the Assistant asks if you’re really ready to hear the answers.

Joe Biden replaced White House physician Dr. Sean Conley, after finally being examined at 3:30pm for a 2pm appointment.

Budweiser, Hyundai, Coke & Pepsi all announced they won’t run ads during the Super Bowl. Experts already predicted the lowest-rated ad during the game will be the 3-minute My Pillow Martial Law infomercial that runs in their place.

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American Airlines has so much extra wine they’re selling it to the public. Bottles cost $13 to $40, but for an extra $100 they’ll send a flight attendant to your house that you can hit on while you drink it.

Former Trump economic adviser Kevin Hassett approves of Joe Biden’s $1.9 trillion economic rescue program, saying he has his eye on a $1,400 set of golf clubs.

Banks United and Professional Bank, will no longer do business with Donald Trump after his role in the DC riots; this follows Deutsche Bank and Signature Bank ending their business. However, Trump is still welcome at his bank, according to Monopoly Guy Rich Uncle Pennybags.

Canines will sniff-screen Miami Heat fans attending home games for COVID-19. If the dog detects the virus, all members of that person’s party will be refused entry. If the dog smells cancer, the animal will ignore it.

Mattel introduced a new Barbie inspired by Maya Angelou. Turns out Ken is kinda into older black chicks.

Riley June Williams, the 22-year-old woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop, was released from jail pending trial. She’s rumored to be the star of a Fox News version of The Bachelorette, where she’ll choose from 40 eligible Proud Boys.

University of Notre Dame Football was found in violation of NCAA recruiting rules. Their punishment is bowl-ineligibility for a year, and saying ten rosaries.

Joe Biden issued an Executive Order to combat hunger – a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup.

The James Bond film ‘No Time To Die’ and ‘Ghostbusters: Afterlife’ have both been delayed from summer 2021 to fall, after AMC Theaters announced everyone attending movies before October would be required to get a vaccine, large popcorn and drink.

After outcry over their removal from the Capitol to sleep in a parking garage, National Guard troops were allowed back in the Capitol building. Although it’s taking a while, because a lot of them lost their tickets to exit the garage.

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Three new Democratic Senators were sworn in, including Raphael Warnock and Alex Padilla, who replaced Kelly Loeffler and Vice President Kamala Harris – leading established Senators to complain the place is now an even bigger sausage fest.

Despite his pardon from Donald Trump, rapper Kodak Black still faces sexual assault charges in South Carolina. Prosecutors are busily preparing for their Kodak Moment.

The CW Network debuts ‘Walker’, a reboot of ‘Walker – Texas Ranger’. The new show stars Jared Padalecki, after producers rejected an alternate spinoff starring Chuck Norris’ toupee.

Golfer Justin Thomas was dropped by sponsor Ralph Lauren and will enter a training program, following use of a homophobic slur after he missed a putt. Thomas apologized, and said if the ball went in the hole, he’d have used a pro-gay word.

Jill Biden is the 1st First Lady to hold a paid job outside of the White House. She said she needs to do it for the better health insurance.

President Biden signed an executive order requiring face masks on planes. A Spirit Airlines spokesperson said their passengers already do so, to keep from smelling each other.

The Cleveland Cavaliers defeated the Brooklyn Nets 147-135, in a game both coaches praised as their teams’ best defensive outing of the season.

Fox News’ Sean Hannity criticized Joe Biden’s inaugural speech, referring to the new President as “frail” and “cognitively struggling”. Hannity closed the show saying “and let’s welcome our new head writer, Stephen Miller..”

Medical experts say Johnson & Johnson’s single-dose COVID vaccine could be a game-changer, once everyone gets it in 2024.

Today marks the 4th Anniversary of the Global Women’s March – when thousands of women who missed it decide what they wanted to wear.

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Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.

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Ben Affleck and girlfriend Ana de Armas broke up. A source said they’re at different points in their life – his point is about 30 years ahead of hers.

Pearl Jam reportedly sent threatening letters to U.K. tribute band Pearl Jamm, telling them to change their name and stop selling merchandise. Pearl Jamm’s attorneys say they won’t comply, citing landmark legal case ‘Van Halen v Vann Halenn‘.

A man was discovered living in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport for 3 months, claiming he was afraid to fly home to Los Angeles because of COVID-19. He was arrested, but immediately entered rehab to treat a Cinnabon addiction.

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter after discovering he’d sent explicit text messages and photos to a female reporter back in 2016. Porter is expected to begin a new job as Brett Favre’s publicist.

Melania Trump will not follow tradition and give incoming First Lady Jill Biden a tour of the White House living quarters prior to the Inauguration. Melania claimed it wasn’t rudeness, it’s because of Taco Tuesday.

A woman in the U.K. claims that her Gwyneth Paltrow ‘vagina candle’ exploded. Paltrow’s rep said you’re not actually supposed to light it, you just move your hands gently around it until it gets warmed up.

A Canadian teen, lost and separated from his snowmobiling group, told authorities he survived the night by staying in a snow cave that he made. “You mean that we made” said a friendly bear.

Police in Spain discovered two tons of cocaine in a shipment of charcoal. They arrested a drug dealer who really messed up helping out at the fire department chicken barbecue.

The FBI arrested Riley June Williams, 22, accused of stealing a laptop from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office during the DC riots. No word on the laptop, other than it has a new high score in Candy Crush.

Tomorrow, the “nuclear football” will transfer from Donald Trump to Joe Biden. Biden hasn’t decided whether he’ll wipe all the New England Patriots autographs off of it.

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Nestle is recalling some pepperoni Hot Pockets because they may contain hard plastic and glass. The contamination was noticed by factory workers, but not a single person eating pepperoni Hot Pockets.

Fiat Chrysler merged with Peugeot to form the 4th-largest global automaker, Stellantis. Get ready to say “my Stellantis broke down”.

In advance of Inauguration Day, Los Angeles Police fortified security at the L.A. Zoo, fearing rioters could break in and wreak havoc by releasing animals. That, and a dozen baboons have been spotted in MAGA hats.

Legendary music producer Phil Spector died in prison; he hit the Wall Of No Sound.

Los Angeles County became the first in the nation to reach 1 million COVID-19 cases. They were on track to hit it a week ago, but traffic to the testing sites was terrible.

The FBI is investigating a report that January 6th D.C. rioters stole a laptop and plan to sell it to Russia. So far, Russians told the FBI they turned it down because they’re grossed out by Ted Cruz’s porn collection.

Donald Trump may issue 100 pardons on his final day in office. Every pardon comes with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, a ‘Be Best’ t-shirt, and the recipient’s choice of monthly auto-pay from checking or credit card.

Parler is back online. “Ok, where were we?…oh, right, violent domestic terrorism” said a group moderator.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA may stop production on Scott Baio/Kristy Swanson movie ‘Courting Mom & Dad’ for violating COVID-19 filming rules. Producers have already warned the film’s release to a bin at Walgreens checkout may be delayed.

German shepherd ‘Major’ Biden was celebrated at his InDogUration, celebrating his upcoming White House appointment as First Dog. He succeeds Tiffany Trump.

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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.