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The CEO of cryptocurrency exchange Binance resigned after they were slapped with $4 billion in fines for money laundering and other illegal activities. They were also warned not to try paying the $4 billion with Dogecoin.

A mystery respiratory illness is spreading among dogs and baffling veterinarians. Vets are frantically contact-tracing to see if sick dogs sniffed the same infected butt.

Martha Stewart said she didn’t ‘cancel Thanksgiving’ after claiming she was “turkeyed out” on The Kelly Clarkson Show. Stewart stated she’s baking lemon tarts, cranberry tarts, chocolate pecan pies, pecan pies, pumpkin pies and a 20-pound bird. And boy, are her 30 assistants tired.

With Elon Musk allowing antisemitic and anti-Muslim comments on X, Paris Hilton’s media company pulled their advertising from the platform. But first, Paris asked her assistants to spell X just to make sure she was boycotting the right app.

American Airlines responded to viral video of a passenger’s wheelchair crashing on to the Miami International Airport tarmac as baggage handlers looked on. American assured everyone their baggage workers were far more careful handling the paraplegic who also flew to Miami in the cargo hold.

A woman flying from Florida to Philadelphia aboard Frontier Airlines pulled down her pants and threatened to urinate in the aisle because a flight attendant wouldn’t allow her to use the restroom. Since the woman wouldn’t pay Frontier Airlines $29, she had to wait and use the bucket like everyone else.

Susan Sarandon was dropped by her talent agency for remarks she made at a pro-Palensinian rally. Producers now have to recast and scrap two weeks of filming on Bad Moms Hanukkah.

Oprah Winfrey’s bestie Gayle King revealed on The Drew Barrymore Show that King’s former friend was secretly collecting $50,000 to set up meetings with her. She discovered it when the friend spilled her purse and King saw a $50,000 check from Drew Barrymore.

Daryl Hall is suing John Oates in a contract debt-related filing. Hall claims Oates is a little short.

Thousands of blue rubber balls washed up on a British beach were determined to come from a nearby power plant where they’re used to clean pipes. British men with blue balls on the beach fantasized about someone cleaning their pipes.

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BTS singer Jung Kook performed his single ‘Standing Next To You’ on The Tonight Show. For those unfamiliar with Korean boy band BTS, Jung Kook translates to ‘Harry Styles’ in English. .

Journalists in attendance for Donald Trump’s testimony at his New York financial fraud trial stated that Trump “lost it” on the witness stand – criticizing the judge, the attorney general, and whoever brought in Wendy’s instead of McDonald’s for lunch.

Actress Megan Fox released a book of poems entitled ‘Pretty Boys Are Poisonous‘. Titles of the poems include ‘“rape,” “funerals are for lovers,” “why i wish i was gay,” and “to marry an arsonist”. In other news Megan Fox’s read-along at the Children’s Library of Los Angeles has been postponed.

Lindsay Lohan, Lacey Chabert & Amanda Seyfried reprised their ‘Mean Girls‘ roles in a new ad campaign for Walmart’s Black Friday sales. Suburban moms get their own chance to be Mean Girls as they trample other women when stores open at 5 a.m. on November 24th.

Deanes EIPIC, a Michelin-starred restaurant in Belfast, Northern Ireland, closed due to rising operating costs, higher menu prices, and customers refusal to order anything but corned beef & cabbage.

Packs of javelinas – pig-like creatures with sharp teeth – are destroying Arizona’s Seven Canyons golf course as they tear up fairways looking for food. It’s illegal to kill javelinas in Arizona, so groundskeepers can only hope they leave, or choke to death on Titleists.

Baskin-Robbins introduced ‘Turkey Day Fixins’ ice cream as its Flavor of the Month. It has no turkey flavoring, but features notes of honey cornbread, cranberrry & sweet potato. After poor consumer testing, Dairy Queen cancelled its Green Bean Casserole Blizzard.

The Crazy Horse 3 strip club in Las Vegas is offering one free lap dance to current & former military personnel on Veterans Day. Extra dancers are being brought in to grind on Privates, Sergeants, etc.

A viral video shows a commercial jet flying over Israel while, in nearby airspace, Israeli’s Iron Dome defense missiles exploded Hamas rockets. Passengers aboard Spirit Airlines new service to Tel Aviv were each charged $10 for the light show.

Pauly Shore proposed to Drew Barrymore on Friday’s episode of The Drew Barrymore Show. The proposal question was unanswered – but at least we know if Barrymore could still attract A-List stars to the show after her Writers Strike controversy.

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Mike Babcock resigned as head coach of the NHL Columbus Blue Jackets before coaching a single game, allegedly because he asked players to share pictures on their phone “to show what type of person (they) are”. Babcock regrets not seeing a single nude photo of players wives or girlfriends.

A U.S. F-35 fighter jet based out of Charleston, South Carolina is missing after the pilot ejected following a “mishap”. “Found it” – said a guy who no longer has a beach house.

Katy Perry sold her music catalog rights for $225 million. The only other woman believed to be that rich who kissed a girl and liked it is Ellen Degeneres.

Drew Barrymore deleted an apology video for restarting her talk show amidst the actors & writers strikes after being dragged by fellow union actors and writers. Her guests for the foreseeable future are dogs & cats who have million-view TikTok clips.

Donald Trump told a crowd on Friday that President Biden is leading the country into World War II. Earlier, Trump had fallen asleep during a private showing of ‘Oppenheimer‘.

Gannett, the largest newspaper group in the U.S., will hire dedicated reporters to cover Taylor Swift and Beyonce. In order to be considered, candidates will need writing samples and a note from their parents to skip gym class for an interview.

9 inmates at a juvenile detention center in rural Pennsylvania escaped during a riot, but then were captured, with several surrendering because they were cold. They were readmitted, and signed up for Danelo Cavalcante’s prison escape MasterClass.

Japan is creating its own version of artificial intelligence ChatGPT. They say the big difference is that theirs speaks Japanese.

Bears in Anchorage, Alaska raided a Krispy Kreme donut delivery van. They were eventually chased away and evaded heavy gunfire from every member of the Anchorage Police Department.

Hugh Jackman and his wife separated after 27 years of marriage. He now officially joins the Ex-Men.

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CBS Network announced that on certain Sunday evenings, ‘60 Minutes‘ will actually be ‘90 Minutes‘ long … and not just feel like it because your spouse makes you watch it before Sunday Night Football.

Drew Barrymore, whose talk show will air new installments amidst the Writers Guild strike, was dropped as host of the National Book Awards. She was disappointed, since she was hoping to grab some free cookbooks so she could make food to fill her hour-long show without writers.

Caesars Palace paid a $15 million ransom to foreign hackers who disabled their slot machines and hotel reservation system. In addition to the money, the hackers also demanded scantily-clad women bring them free drinks.

Outside of Chicago, a large outdoor tent collapsed at Cintas Corporation’s Employee Appreciation Luncheon, injuring 26 people. The injured were admitted to local hospitals, where they say the food was better.

Nazareth University in Upstate New York will have two young women majoring in Gerontology live in a senior care facility for three weeks…or three hours, after enough horny old men grab their asses and they can’t take it anymore.

A horse was rescued from a backyard pool in North Carolina. The horse was okay, although the diving board needs to be replaced after his awesome cannonball.

A United Airlines flight from New Jersey to Rome turned around and descended 28,000 feet in 8 minutes to address what pilots called a “pressurization issue” – and what Delta Airlines recently called a “diarrhea biohazard”, since the pressure originated in the Newark Airport food court.

China announced Defense Minister Li Shangfu is under investigation for corruption, which means he’s also under about six feet of dirt.

Nikki Bettis, a divorced single mother of 15 children ranging from age 4 to 25, is attempting to hike the Appalachian Trail with all of them. Nikki is hoping for a unique bonding experience, and to get the 15 down to a more affordable number.

A majority of Spain’s World Cup-winning women’s soccer team refuse to play matches following the unwanted kiss of player Jennifer Hermoso by ex-soccer boss Luis Rubiales. Players say they want real change, and have refused Spain Soccer Federation’s offer of an expensive dinner before future kisses.

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Clinton Ellis-Gilmore, 53, a drag queen and member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – a drag group that performed at Dodger Stadium on Pride Night – was arrested after publicly masturbating in broad daylight at a park. An LA Dodgers spokesperson said they regret that this happened during his 7th Inning solo performance of Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher will return to air despite there being no resolution to the Writers Guild strike. His first guests will be a few Republicans and Drew Barrymore.

Captured fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly told police he planned to carjack someone and flee to Canada…adding “and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling scent-dogs! “

At the trial where she was found guilty of murdering seven babies, prosecutors produced notes where British nurse Lucy Letby wrote “I am evil. I did this”. Investigators found the notes in her one-star Care.com profile.

“The night is darkest before the dawn. And I will rise yet again” said New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who will miss the entire NFL season with a torn Achilles tendon, but who apparently plans to spend the year as Batman.

Viral video shows a 14-foot alligator swimming toward a Girl Scout troop in a Texas lake. All but one of the girls received ‘Avoiding Alligators In A Lake’ merit badges.

A judge ruled that Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis cannot try Donald Trump and 16 co-defendants together in their election fraud trial. Apparently the AirBnb they booked for an October trial limits groups to 6 or less.

U.S. airlines are reportedly planning to slash travel prices this autumn – but they’re also planning to triple cancellations, so it all ought to balance out for them.

An iPhone was reportedly hidden to take images in the first-class bathroom of an American Airlines flight used by a family, including a 14-year-old girl. The family is suing the airline, and is also angry that American was selling the photos to exiting passengers like they do at roller coasters.

A Florida high school principal said she was forced out after an in-school assembly on improving academic performance that only included black students. She disputed the allegation, saying the assembly focused on improving the football and basketball teams.

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Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.

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Microsoft laid off hundreds of workers across multiple product departments, including Microsoft Cut From The Teams and Microsoft Bleak Outlook.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair retired from ABC’s Dancing With The Stars after MRIs found too much stress on her bones. Earlier, reality tv hag and ex-convict Teresa Giudice was released from the show after both MRIs & judges discovered two left feet.

Pop-punk band Blink 182’s Mark Hoppus said he tried buying tickets to his own band’s reunion tour but couldn’t, because Ticketmaster’s dynamic pricing algorithm wouldn’t let him complete the sale. He received an error message stating that he blinked and missed Blink.

Pete Davidson is reportedly texting Kim Kardashian for a “thoughtful reason” – seeing that she’s okay amidst Kanye’s latest meltdowns, and because he ‘thought’ she might still reply with nudes.

A 33-year-old woman hoping to promote women’s contributions to science created over 1,000 Wikipedia biographies for “unknown female scientists”. Not surprisingly, they’re all still unknown.

Etsy is actively selling Jeffrey Dahmer-themed apparel with slogans life ‘Jeff Boyardee’ and ‘Choke Me Like Bundy, Eat Me Like Dahmer’. This creates a conflict because, while the items are tasteless, they’re actually some of the only Etsy merchandise people want to get as gifts.

Drew Barrymore said that she’s “not a person who needs sex”, leading to several male & female interns on her talk show quitting.

The Catholic Church’s Diocese of Chicago asked Rev. Michael Pfleger to resign after another allegation of sexual misconduct surfaced from over 40 years ago. Pfleger said he’d think about it and make a decision after the annual altar boy fall picnic.

A Philadelphia Eagles fan snuck into the on-field tunnel and ran on to the field with the team ahead of their game against the Dallas Cowboys. Players thought he was a Make-A-Wish recipient, but he was even more drunk than most Make-A-Wish kids.

Donald Trump allegedly showed a classified letter from Kim Jong Un to a journalist, setting off an investigation to his handling of documents. Although in Trump’s defense, the journalist wondered why Korean barbecue recipes were classified.

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Drew Barrymore said she lost 20 pounds for her role as a flesh-eating zombie in the Netflix series Santa Clarita Diet, because someone who only eats protein should look more lean. She’s now working on looking “embarrassed to be taking money” for an upcoming role in a Netflix Adam Sandler movie.

A Trump Organization helicopter carrying Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner from Washington D.C. to New York returned to the airport mid-flight due to an engine failure. They scrambled to get a commercial flight, which they almost missed since Jared’s security risk is so bad he can’t qualify for TSA Pre.

New York magazine said that departed White House Communications Director Hope Hicks tried to leave her job twice before finally resigning last month. Her earlier attempts to leave were thwarted by Sarah Huckabee Sanders blocking the door.

Former Glee cast member Naya Rivera sang songs on Instagram to audition for the role of Maria in a revival of West Side Story. Producers, however, liked what they saw of Rivera’s battery arrest for beating up her husband last year, and cast her in a rumble between the Sharks and the Jets.

Massachusetts State Rep Michelle Dubois is asking to rename the ‘General Hooker Entrance’ at the statehouse – named for Civil War Union General Joseph Hooker -because it’s demeaning to women. Some male politicians support the move, as long as the General Hooker Entrance is replaced with an entrance for Specific Hookers. [h/t to J. Ost.]

A driver in California crashed his car through the front of a Taco Bell in Danville. The driver was fourth in line for medical treatment behind the three people who had just finished their Nacho Fries.

Walmart is partnering with gig-worker startup Handy to offer in-home setup of Walmart furniture – not to be confused with the Handy part-time Walmart employees are offering next to the merchandise pickup bay to help make ends meet.

IBM has created a computer smaller than a grain of salt – that it won’t dare sell to anyone over age 50.

Toys R Us stores – all of which will be closed or sold as the company liquidates – have started clearance sales, leading to some amazing deals, and the most epic fistfights between toddlers that you’re ever going to see.

President Trump tweeted to celebrate the firing of FBI Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, just two days before he was to collect his pension for decades of government service. Trump then donned a top hat and black cape to await the foreclosure of a dairy farm where the 30-year-old wife can’t make the payments because her husband is away fighting the war.