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Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

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An 11-foot pet alligator was seized at a home in Hamburg, New York, from a man who claims he had an exotic animal license, but it expired in 2021. The seizure was preceded by the first-ever 911 call the county received from a house cat.

The Los Angeles Dodgers minor league affiliate Rancho Cucamunga Quakes changed their nickname to Chaquetas. Chaqueta translates to ‘jacket’ and is intended to honor mariachi jackets, but is also slang for masturbation. Either way, they think local teen boys will be big Chaqueta fans.

Vladimir Putin was reelected to a six-year term as Russian president in an election criticized as being neither free or fair. Polls opened at 7a.m., and Russian state television projected Putin as the winner at 7:01a.m.

A longevity researcher claims people who eat a cup of beans every day live four years longer – but have difficulty remaining close to people for long periods of time.

Britain’s Princess Kate faces public pressure to speak out, as she’s not addressed the public since her abdominal surgery. Brits are applying even more pressure on Meghan Markle to stay away.

The most comprehensive study yet links ultra-processed foods to damage in all of the human body’s systems. The study cited early-onset dementia in grade school students who only ate Lunchables at recess.

AI-generated on-air talent is reportedly being used to spread misinformation on news broadcasts in Venezuela. Although some viewers could tell they were fake because the woman giving the weather wore loose clothing and had small breasts.

United Airlines CEO is addressing customers following a series of separate incidents, including a wheel falling off, a jet spewing hydraulic fluid, an engine fire, and a jet skidding off the runway. The CEO reassured customers that the in-flight wifi is better than ever.

Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom are launching a sports podcast, ‘Keeping Up With Sports’, to offer their takes on excellence in sports from the male and……………………………………………………………………………………………… female perspectives.

Donald Trump reportedly lacks the cash to secure a $454 million bond to appeal his civil financial fraud judgment in New York. Trump may be forced to liquidate assets and is privately soliciting bids on Trump Tower, Tiffany, Eric, Don Jr and his grandchildren.

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An Idaho woman is suing her fertility doctor, claiming he secretly used his own sperm to father her now 34-year-old daughter. The doctor’s lawyers informed the court he’d be using a “Hey, It Worked, Didn’t It?” Defense.

Two theme park operators, Six Flags and Cedar Fair, are merging in a deal valued at $8 billion dollars and over a million gallons of vomit.

Donald Trump lashed out on social media over a judge forcing Eric, Don Jr & Ivanka to testify in his financial fraud trial. “Leave my kids alone!” Trump posted, adding “I’ve left all of them alone for years.”

Cable channel TBS will air a ‘Best Of Chandler’ marathon starting November 1st to honor the late Matthew Perry. They’re finalizing on-screen graphics to differentiate it from the existing 22 hours every day they air ‘Friends‘ episodes.

A family is suing Panera Bread, claiming their daughter died after drinking highly caffeinated lemonade. Their case won’t be heard for years, after Panera lawyers settle dozens of lawsuits where customers choked to death on scones.

400 Americans were approved to leave war-torn Gaza. 250 of them could have left already, but they keep haggling for business & first class seat upgrades on the flights home.

Kim Kardashian announced her underwear brand, SKIMS, has entered a partnership with the NBA. Every NBA player will receive personalized instructions on removing SKIMS from new female friends they meet on the road.

Investigators determined two men escaped from a Philadelphia prison in May because a guard slept on the job, surveillance cameras didn’t work, a known hole in a fence was left unrepaired, and – perhaps most importantly – the prisoners broke their promise to stay inside and be good.

A dietitian released a list of foods that mimic the ingredients of popular weight loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. The list includes high-fiber items like rye bread & barley, and more controversial low-fiber items like the Quarter Pounder w/Ozempic.

Police are investigating AI-generated nude images of young female students circulated at a New Jersey high school. No arrests have been made, but the Computer Club has seen a gigantic spike in participation.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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Outsiders are questioning why a former Amazon executive is being paid $800,000 per year to run the Bezos Academy Preschool, founded by Jeff Bezos. The executive, Michael George, claims it isn’t easy teaching 4-year-olds to piss in a bottle while working a 10-hour shift.

Oxford Dictionary chose ‘goblin mode’ – behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy – as their word of the year. Editors at Oxford Dictionary are operating in goblin mode since they’re too lazy to pick a word of the year that’s actually one word.

Beijing has dropped the requirement to show a negative COVID test to enter supermarkets and offices, saying they’re just about ready to release New & Improved COVID-22, anyway.

Donald Trump failed to disclose a $19 million dollar loan from South Korean company Daewoo while President. He also failed to disclose the Daewoo sedan he gave to son Eric as a high school graduation gift.

Facebook’s oversight board criticized their VIP ‘cross check’ program, which allows celebrities, politicians and influencers extra leeway when violating the platform’s speech guidelines, and also counts ‘Maybes’ as ‘Going’ for their parties & events.

Google launched ‘continuous scroll’ for search results, so you can avoid having to click through multiple pages before deciding to just use the first result like you always do.

The owner of a North Philadelphia gas station hired armed guards to patrol his property amidst the city’s violent crime spree. Regular gas is $3.80/gallon, plus the now-customary tip for not getting jumped and carjacked.

Amazon is lauching a subscription gaming service in India, starting with flagship title Super Patel Brothers.

A new study finds metro=U.S. office buildings will lose over $450 billion in value as workers turn to working at home. Panhandlers will also lose billions in donations since at-home workers ignore them standing next to their mailboxes.

Actor Neal Bledsoe, co-star of multiple Great American Family channel Christmas movies, will no longer do so following GAF’s focus on traditional hetero relationships. Bledsoe will return to the small town where he grew up and consult with the single mom he went to high school with who now manages the village candy store.

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BMW is charging $18/month to activate heated seats in its vehicles. They’re also planning to charge $20 for ventilated seats and rolling down the windows when the on-board GPS detects the vehicle at a Taco Bell drive thru.

Elon Musk’s 76-year-old father Errol confirmed he fathered a child with his 34-year-old stepdaughter. Errol Musk blamed the pregnancy on his penis’s Autopilot function.

Tom Brady said his immense wealth is the hardest thing about parenting. He said the second-hardest is his stupid f***ing kids.

Stranger Things actor Noah Schnapp confirmed in an interview that his character, Will Byers, is gay. Vecna confirmed in a different interview that he’s non-binary.

The Italian beach town of Sorrento imposed a new fine on bare chests in public. Although Good Samaritan Sorrento creeps are offering to pay the fine for women 40 & under.

Odor complaints in New York City have reached an all-time high as a result of the high heat, homeless encampments & rotting trash. Residents say it’s the first time they’ve seen rats wearing face masks and Axe body spray.

Thefts of purebred French Bulldogs have become a nationwide crime epidemic. Owners report having their dogs stolen at gunpoint. But, because they’re French, the dogs typically surrender to the kidnappers.

Uber is being sued for sexual assault by 550 women – with a cumulative average customer rating of 1.5 stars.

A South African man competing in a drinking challenge to win $12 died after downing a full bottle of Jagermeister in two minutes. So far, a dozen people on organ transplant waiting lists have passed on taking his liver.

Ivana Trump died at age 73. Eric Trump said funeral arrangements and a guest list are still pending, but he hopes the stork that carried him to her will attend.

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The New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman claims in her new book about Donald Trump that White House staff would occasionally find documents Trump had flushed down the toilet. Most were birthday & Fathers Day cards from Eric & Don Jr.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that her divorce is about making herself happy, adding that her 40s are about ‘Team Me’.. meaning herself, and Team Me’s 100 makeup, wardrobe and photo artists.

A Los Angeles woman died after falling from the third floor of a parking garage during a lesson for riding her new motorcycle. A family spokesperson said they may take legal action against Kneivel Driving Instructors.

A 70-year-old Italian woman was found dead at her kitchen table, still sitting in the same place where she died an estimated two years earlier. First responders said the pasta was really overcooked.

A Frontier Airlines passenger had to be restrained after falsely claiming a passenger in the row behind him was sticking him with a needle to steal his DNA. A Frontier flight attendant told him that wasn’t possible, because needles aren’t given out until drink service starts.

A Republican candidate for Oregon governor admitted he & his wife were formerly in a partner-swapping Facebook group, making Oregon a swing state.

The Biden Administration is earmarking $5 billion to install electric vehicle chargers at interstate highway rest stops – so drivers can hook up their cars to charge at the same places down-low gay men hook up with each other.

United Kingdom archaeologists found a Roman-era graveyard containing dozens of decapitated skeletons with skulls placed between their legs, in what they’re calling Europe’s first Halloween Spirit pop-up location.

Sportscaster Erin Andrews shared her favorite Tom Brady moment, when the QB threw passes with Andrews’ father at a Montana ranch, and asked Erin to “shag balls” – a duty usually reserved for Gisele Bundchen.

Scientists discovered a new planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun. Even more amazing is they found it with Zillow.

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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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Life expectancy in the U.S. residents dropped by a full year, to 78 years, owing to the COVID-19 epidemic. It’s the biggest drop since McDonald’s started serving breakfast.

Scientists successfully cloned a black-footed ferret, a species extinct for 33 years. The ferret then put in a rush order to clone a female.

A Danish woman said she won’t shave her moustache or trim her unibrow to land a man – at least not until she gets through the pile of offers she has from other women.

Following Texas deep freeze and massive power outage, a 63-year-old man received a monthly utility bill over $16,000. Officials were stunned to learn he doesn’t have a wife.

Megan Thee Stallion plans to open an assisted living facility after she graduates from college: WAP – Wobbly Ass People.

The Supreme Court will allow a New York prosecutor to obtain Donald Trump’s tax returns. “How’s that even possible after I shredded them myself?!” asked a bewildered Eric Trump.

Following an engine explosion on a United Airlines’ Boeing 777 flight from Denver to Honolulu, Boeing is recommending air carriers suspend the use of some 777s – specifically, the ones with blown-up engines.

The engine explosion scattered debris on the ground in Denver suburbs – no one died, but several residents called their experience “the scariest yard sale ever”.

Daft Punk are retiring after 28 years – because one of them spilled coffee on the laptop that created & held all of their music.

37-year-old Scott Disick and his 19-year-old girlfriend Amelia Hamlin spent time over the weekend with Disick’s three children. Hamlin wore a special wristband so Disick wouldn’t get confused.


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Scientists at the California-based SLAC Digital Accelerator Lab have taken the world’s first 3,200-megapixel digital photos. Although roughly 2,000 of the megapixels are of a scientist’s index finger.

Donald Trump cast his early ballot in Florida, telling assembled reporters he voted “for a guy named Trump”. Adding “..no, not you, Eric”.

A second government-issued stimulus check may arrive in five waves. Which is why your mailman only financed his new Lexus for six months.

Folk singer Arlo Guthrie said he’s retiring from singing due to health setbacks – surprising fans who just assumed he’d already retired.

Model Ireland Baldwin – daughter of Alec – posted a topless photo with “I Voted” stickers covering her nipples. Republicans accused her of voting twice.

Cell phone video recorded a New York City police car broadcasting “Trump 2020” over its loudspeaker. Police officials ultimately suspended Officer Rudy.

A newborn baby was found in the lavatory of a Qatar Airways jet, and female passengers were appalled at being taken off the flight before departure to see if they’d just given birth. They wondered why they didn’t just examine women who asked for seat belt extenders.

Home Depot is starting its Black Friday sale three weeks early – givingkAmerican men three extra weeks to get terrible Christmas presents for their wives and girlfriends.

A house cat in Palm Harbor, Florida caught a two-headed racer snake in the wild and brought it home. The Florida Fish & Wildlife Institute is caring for the snake, while the cat patiently waits to visit the snake and bite both of the heads off.

NASA scheduled a press conference to announce “exciting new findings about the Moon” – which turned out to be an astronaut dropping his pants with “Gotcha” written on his buttocks.