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Three-Michelin-star restaurant The Restaurant at Meadowood burned down in California wildfires. On the plus side, it’s now easier than ever to get a table.

The CDC released guidelines for Thanksgiving celebrations. They recommend keeping gatherings small and throwing jellied cranberry sauce in the garbage where it belongs.

Shots were fired during a brawl at Reaper’s Realm haunted house attraction in North Carolina. Unfortunately the bullets were unable to stop the werewolf.

A hiker fell 100 feet to his death while posing for a photo on an Oregon trail. “That is a nice picture, though” said someone looking at a framed copy next to the casket.

Actor Jim Parsons told Jimmy Fallon he contracted COVID-19 in March, adding that he lost his sense of taste, because he spent his recovery watching ‘Two Broke Girls’.

Eric Trump told Fox & Friends that he’s “part of the LGBT” community. Asked to clarify, he said “T for Trump”.

Disney is cutting 28,000 jobs at theme parks due to reduced attendance. Disney is now an even smaller world.

Astronauts on the International Space Station have detected the source of an air leak that had been growing in size. NASA now plans to finish repairs once they can get the Flex Seal guy into space.

Walmart is redesigning stores to make it easier for visitors to find what they’re looking for. Each store will now have ten exits.

40,000 airline workers are expected to be furloughed. Airlines would like to start the layoff process by dismissing members of the Platinum Elite Employees Club.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters he believes May 1st is “a bit optimistic”. He was referring not only to a date for reopening the U.S. economy, but also how long he expects to keep his job.

Al Jazeera reports ten women are rumored to be on Joe Biden’s list of potential vice presidents, pared down from a much longer list in binders he borrowed from Mitt Romney.

A Utah woman is selling face masks covered in images of penises to raise money for her charity. Her biggest customers are Catholic priests who miss seeing altar boys.

Hank Steinbrenner, son of the late George Steinbrenner and co-chairperson of the New York Yankees, died in Florida at age 63. Before he died, team officials gathered at his bedside for a final ceremony to fire Billy Martin.

If coronavirus postpones the NFL season, a third of cable TV customers say they’ll cancel. Two-thirds say they’ll wait until after the U.S. Cornhole Championships on ESPN2.

Google Wear OS smartwatches are adding notifications to wash your hands every three hours, and additional notifications for wearers of non-waterproof devices to buy a new watch.

A 93-year-old woman who held up a sign at her front door reading “I NEED MORE BEER” received a free 10-case shipment of Coors Light in a week. She’s now drunk and holding up a sign reading “I NEED TO GET LAID”.

A female Philadelphia prison inmate who died in custody had COVID-19, but prison officials claim she had an underlying condition. Asked what the condition was, they said “a dozen stab wounds”.

Disney+ is being criticized for covering Daryl Hannah’s bare buttocks with digital hair extensions in the 1984 film Splash. They’re also angering 60 year old starlets who didn’t get the part back then because of their hairy ass.

U.S. residents’ stimulus checks are being delayed because Donald Trump insisted his name be on each of them. Barron Trump and Eric Trump are being treated for carpal tunnel syndrome.

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A man in China spent $1.4 million on a character in an online video game. It’s believed to be the most money anyone’s ever spent on a plumber.

Nintendo opened its first retail store in Tokyo on Friday.  The wait to get in was up to four hours long – or, much less if you jumped into a pipe near the store.

The New York Post published photos of Jeffrey Epstein on his private Caribbean hideaway, dubbed “Pedophile Island” by locals. In an unrelated photo, Eric Trump is pictured wearing a “My Dad Went To Pedophile Island And All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt” shirt.

Elon Musk explained the glass broke during his Cybertruck demo because hitting door panels with a sledgehammer weakened the glass before it was hit with metal balls. Musk plans a follow-up event where Tiger Woods ex-wife Elin Nordegren will hit the Cybertruck with a 3-iron to restore consumer trust.

In separate incidents, pork; romaine lettuce and Cheese Nips have all been recalled. So for now you can’t order the House Salad at Golden Corral.

Website Business Insider gave a negative review to Burger King’s BBQ Bacon Triple Whopper, saying it wasn’t worth the $11 price. A Burger King spokesman said the review is unfair since the burger wasn’t ordered or eaten at 3a.m.

The FDA granted a Breakthrough Therapy designation for psilocybin – the key psychoactive ingredient in magic mushrooms – to treat severe depression. It’s the first-ever prescription drug bundled with bootleg recordings of Grateful Dead concerts.

Disney’s ‘Frozen 2’ brought in $127 million at the weekend box office, topping all other films. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ continued to bomb despite changing its name to Charlie’s Frozen Angels and renaming two angels Elsa and Anna.

150 pounds of Mexican bologna was seized by U.S. Customs agents in El Paso. Customs said the meat has the potential to introduce foreign animal diseases to the U.S. pork industry, and also the labels list the first ingredient as heroin.

A 63-year-old German man died from a rare infection he contracted after being licked by his dog. Later, at a nearby dog park, the infected dog walked up to several bitches and told them they should get tested.

 

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Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

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A Houston high school issued a dress code for parents visiting the school. Parents entering the school are not allowed to wear leggings that make their buttocks visible, or “Daisy Duke” short-shorts. The rules do not apply to math teachers.

A 35-year-old woman fell into a meat grinder Tuesday morning in Lycoming County, Pennsylvania. She was pronounced dead a short time later, then was pronounced ‘sausage’.

LEGO announced that they will introduce Braille Bricks so blind children can slice open their parents’ feet.

Movie theater chains are planning to remain open around the clock to accommodate demand to see ‘Avengers: Endgame’. Parents call the move “truly affordable daycare”.

Police in suburban Philadelphia are seeking the ‘Red Bull Bandit’ – a man who carries an empty backpack into stores, fills it with Red Bull, then leaves without paying. He is described as a 20-to-30 year old white male and ‘jumpy’.

United Airlines showed off its new ‘livery’ or aircraft branding. It’s a large, blue font with UNITED spelled out across the fuselage, and the tail adorned with silhouettes of a passenger being dragged up the aisle, or a guitar being smashed by a baggage handler.

President Trump tweeted that the New York Times would need to kneel down and beg his forgiveness over their coverage of the Mueller Report.  In the event they decide to kneel and beg, the President offered free instructions from his son Eric.

McDonald’s is partnering with AARP to hire older Americans to work breakfast & lunch shifts, when younger workers aren’t as available. The AARP is partnering with the American Heart Association to keep the new workers from eating the food.

Meghan Markle announced plans to take three months’ maternity leave after the arrival of her & Prince Harry’s baby. Presumably, she needs the time to do something even less than nothing.

Patricia Hill, 69, of Pine Bluff, Arkansas, was convicted of murdering her husband, shooting him after he subscribed to a pornography channel. As she awaits sentencing, her cable provider is working with her to find a different entertainment package.

Martha Stewart addressed the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, saying she feels sorry for Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman. Stewart, who served jail time for insider trading, did advise Loughlin & Huffman that if they go to prison, to find the biggest, toughest woman in the cell block and make them a lemon tart.

 

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The latest viral video craze is the Cheese Challenge, where parents capture video while tossing cheese slices on infants’ faces. Critics say if parents want to punish their kids with processed food, they should just wait until they’re old enough for Lunchables.

Volvo will limit the top speed of its vehicles to 112 mph. Police and auto engineers are confident that pedestrians struck & killed by speeding Volvos will survive if the driver is going under 113 mph.

The FDA has approved ketamine nasal spray to treat clinical depression. Side effects include increased sadness when you blow your nose.

Stormy Daniels will make her stand-up comedy debut later this month. No word on who will be fluffing the audience before her headline set.

HBO aired two-part documentary ‘Leaving Neverland’, where two men accuse Michael Jackson of molesting them as young boys. HBO’s next project is ‘Leaving Sunday Mass’, where men & women document molestation by Catholic priests. Part I will air over the course of 12,000 consecutive nights.

The House Judiciary Committee sent letters to over 80 associates & family members of Donald Trump, seeking information about illegal business activity. To ensure they open it, Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr.’s were put in an envelope reading “You May Have Already Won A Million Dollars!”

Legendary pro wrestler King Kong Bundy died at age 61. He is survived by his wife, Queen Kong Bundy.

For just the second time since the global epidemic began, a person has been cured of H.I.V., the virus that causes AIDS. The patient in question is still, however, in a bit of a drought getting laid.

Parents of Peter Zhu, a 21-year-old who died after a skiing accident, received a judge’s permission to retrieve his sperm for “.. preserving some piece of our child that might live on.” The accident and subsequent sperm retrieval was called “my worst day ever” by a guy on Ski Patrol.

A 17-year-old Wisconsin teen was charged with putting Xylazine – cow tranquilizers – in his stepfather’s energy drinks. The stepfather’s symptoms included a droopy face, slurred speech, and failure to remember siring at least a half-dozen calves.

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A judge in Oregon ordered a 15-year-old boy to pay $36 million in restitution for starting the Eagle Creek wildfires, which burned 48,000 acres. His lawyers plan to appeal, but in the meantime the boy has increased his lawn-mowing fee to $75,000.

McDonald’s board of directors will be asked to consider a ban on plastic drinking straws. The move comes as environmental advocates try to curb single-use plastics, and as families mourn the loss of loved ones who died from collapsed lungs trying to suck up Shamrock Shakes.

JCPenney, mired in losses as it struggles to turn business around, suffered another blow as CEO Marvin Ellison said he’s leaving to become CEO of home improvement chain Lowe’s.  Ellison immediately announced a new aisle at Lowe’s for customers who mow their lawn in cargo shorts, sandals and black dress socks.

President Trump is angry at reports an FBI informant met with members of his Presidential Campaign advisory staff. Justice and Intelligence department officials are refusing to confirm the existence or name of the informant, but are privately concerned at Eric Trump’s inability to keep a secret.

Stacey Cunningham is set to become the first female President of the New York Stock Exchange. She states that her first order of business is coming up with a way for stock shoppers to return ones they don’t like.

After winning Season 16 of American Idol, winner Maddie Poppe announced she’s dating runner-up Caleb Lee Hutchinson — creating a music-industry power couple you won’t be able to remember in a week.

A couple in Upstate New York filed a petition with the state Supreme Court to have their son evicted from their home. The son, in turn, filed his own petition asking that he be allowed to remain in the house until he finishes God of War.

Former Navy SEAL Jocko Willink, author of new book ‘Way of the Warrior Kid’ recommends getting up every day at 4:30a.m.  Willink says that you can get a lot of self-betterment tasks done between 4:30 and 7a.m., and besides, it’s so much easier to kill people before they get out of bed.

Sex videos of WWE Star wrestler Paige have leaked onto the Internet. The videos reportedly show her having sex with wrestler Xavier Woods in a position they call ‘climbing the turnbuckle’.

Conservatives responded angrily when it was announced that Michelle and Barack Obama will be producing content for Netflix. One, because they’re sick of the Obamas; and two, because their first production is another Adam Sandler movie.

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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NASA states that an asteroid may pass by Earth during Sunday’s Super Bowl. But, since the asteroid is expected to miss everybody by 2.9 million miles, they’re naming it Third String Quarterback.

President Trump called out Jay-Z on Twitter about Trump’s policy contributions to low black unemployment, while Jay-Z said that Omarosa and Ben Carson cancel each other out.

Casino mogul and accused sexual predator Steve Wynn stepped down as Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee – in what Democrats are privately calling a Wynn-Win.

James Franco was removed from the cover of Vanity Fair‘s Hollywood issue due to his sexual misconduct allegations. However, Vanity Fair said they’d consider putting him on a future cover if he wants to pose topless & eight months pregnant.

Talentless blowhard Piers Morgan tweeted a ‘teaser’ of his interview with President Donald Trump, wherein Trump declares that he’s ‘not a feminist’. Trump believes instead of males being feminists, women should be self reliant, grabbing themselves by the pussy and pulling themselves up.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio fired his Chief of Staff Clint Reed over ‘improper relations with subordinates’. When presented with the facts, there was really Little Marco could do.

Replacing the refrigerators on Air Force One will cost taxpayers $24 million in parts & labor, and $50 million a year in Diet Coke and Haagen-Dazs.

Elon Musk’s The Boring Company is accepting preorders for a $500 flame thrower. A portion of the proceeds will go to awareness and prevention of really unique suicides.

Monthly movie theater subscription service MoviePass pulled out of support for some of AMC Theaters highest-traffic cinemas in the hope AMC will sweeten its deal terms, and because MoviePass found out the popcorn they serve was made weeks ago.

SpaceX is scheduled to launch the Falcon Heavy – the world’s largest rocket – in early February. The rocket is powerful enough to send humans to Mars, although its maiden launch will carry a dummy payload. Eric Trump said he can’t wait for his family’s space vacation next week.

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Amazon founder Jeff Bezos passed Microsoft founder Bill Gates as the world’s richest person. Then Gates emptied his pants pockets on laundry day and reclaimed the title.

CVS Pharmacy is in talks to acquire health insurance giant Aetna, as CVS seeks synergy between their incredibly long receipts and Aetna’s incredibly long red tape.

A new study in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine links pesticides used by fruit & vegetable growers to reduced fertility in women. The study was commissioned by fraternity scumbags looking to avoid condom use by giving their dates apples & strawberries.

United Airlines new Los Angeles-to-Singapore route is the longest-ever flight for a U.S. domestic carrier. The 18-hour route consists of a 16-hour flight preceded by 2 hours of coach passenger dragging drills by United flight attendants.

A 10-year-old boy led Ohio State Highway Patrol on an hour-long chase, with speeds reaching nearly 100 mph. The boy was ultimately apprehended safely, although his Big Wheel was totaled.

October, 2017 is the lowest-grossing month for movies in 10 years, with receipts totaling less than $600 million — most of which was hush money paid to ticket takers by people seeking to remain anonymous while seeing Boo 2: A Madea Halloween.

Constellation Brands, the company that owns Corona Beer, is investing in Canopy Growth, a Canadian marijuana grower, as it seeks to expand its dominant wallet share of 40+ divorced loser dads.

Startup Babylon Health is using artificial intelligence and data mining to predict when you’ll be sick; investors are skeptical since the best predictions it’s made so far are ‘the night of your birthday’ and ‘the morning after the Super Bowl’.

Former Trump Campaign Manager Paul Manafort was indicted on federal charges including money laundering and tax fraud. He is expected to post his cash bail in a woven Ukrainian basket as soon as he finishes laundering it.

The Trump Campaign responded to the Manafort indictment by sending out a fundraising email titled ‘Still Standing’, asking Trump supporters to donate one dollar. The email was authored by Eric Trump, evidenced by the heavy use of smiley, fire and moneybag emojis.