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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.

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Domino’s is now delivering pizza using driverless vehicles. It’s great news for cheapskate losers who don’t want to tip a human driver, but still bad news for anyone having to eat the Domino’s Pizza.

After original panelist Sharon Osbourne left after defending racist remarks by Piers Morgan, ‘The Talk’ returned Monday with what they called “one of their most difficult discussions ever” – whether you’re Team Angelina or Team Brad in their divorce.

The CDC reports 187 million doses of COVID-19 vaccine have been administered, while warning of an impending shortage of both Johnson & Johnson vaccines, and Captain America Band-Aids.

After another school shooting in Knoxville, Tennessee, administrators closed the school for two days. They advised students to use the free time to pick out body armor and guns for the prom.

Singing star Usher was slammed for reportedly using fake money with his name and face on it at a Las Vegas strip club. He said he only used the fake bills to tip dancers with fake breasts.

The FCC is launching its own Internet speed-test app, in response to Comcast customers who say the company’s speed-test app is just a picture with the word FAST! on it.

A ‘Real Housewives of Nashville’ show is reportedly in the works, featuring female country music performers and wives of others. However, a competing show, ‘Real Dogs, Trucks & Guns of Nashville’ tested better with viewers.

Bianca Belair dethroned reigning champion Sasha Banks at Wrestlemania to claim the WWE title belt, in the first-ever championship wrestling match featuring two black women that wasn’t a Worldstarhiphop video shot in a McDonald’s.

Macaulay Culkin and partner Brenda Song welcomed their first child, son Dakota. Their baby gift registry includes Micro Machines, paint, a blow torch and a rifle.

More than 100,000 viewers have complained to the BBC about their coverage of the late Prince Philip, saying the broadcaster should find pictures and video where you can’t see his teeth.

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Joe Biden thinks it would help the country heal if Donald Trump attends his inauguration, but he personally doesn’t care if Trump doesn’t go. Trump hasn’t said if he’ll be there, but as of now he’s only checked ‘Interested’.

ESPN terminated ‘NFL Live’ and radio host Trey Wingo, who’s now Trey Wingone.

Scientists think they now know why salmon have been mysteriously dying on the West Coast – they never learned how to swim.

Former Congressman John Delaney proposes giving Americans $1,500 stimulus checks in exchange for getting a COVID-19 vaccine. He claims this will help build immunity, and create part-time jobs earning up to $15,000 a year.

50 billion British Pounds worth of banknotes are missing from the Bank of England and no one has an explanation. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent Donald Trump ten boxes of Christmas presents.

A Taiwanese man lied to his wife, telling her the Playstation 5 he bought was an air purifier. She discovered and made him sell it, after their apartment set a new high score for pollen and pet dander.

A Texas high school football player was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, then ran off the sideline and tackled the referee, concussing him. The referee entered the Concussion Protocol, and the student/athlete entered the Expulsion Protocol.

Queen Elizabeth II’s dog Vulcan died, leaving her with one remaining dog, Candy, who is now the only other bitch in line for the throne.

The FCC & FAA intend to officially ban cell-phone calls made by passengers when the plane is in flight. Although they’re considering an exception for Boeing 737MAX passengers whose jet is falling out of the sky.

Warner Bros Pictures announced it will simultaneously release all its upcoming films on HBO Max & cinemas. However, every microwave popcorn maker is raising prices to $15/bag.

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.