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A new study finds high-school students who take a personal finance course realize a $100,000 wealth benefit later in life. Also, young couples who pay attention in health class realize a $300,000 lifetime benefit by not getting pregnant.

A University of Pennsylvania professor claims the word “because” is a ‘magic word’ that helps you influence people to do things. However, your spouse already knows this and it’s why they say “because I have a headache”.

The first Jordan-branded ‘World Of Flight’ Nike retail store in the U.S. will open in Philadelphia. When the store opens in spring it’ll host the first-ever Grand Looting Event.

Tourist attraction The John Wick Experience is opening in Las Vegas. Because apparently people can’t get enough of mass shootings.

NBA player Steph Curry defeated the WNBA’s Sabrina Ionescu in a 3-point shooting ‘Battle of the Sexes’ at the NBA All-Star Game. Other NBA players privately engaged in their own Battle of the Sexes over child support.

A man with a severe milk allergy is suing McDonald’s over a slice of cheese mistakenly placed on his Big Mac, which he claims almost killed him. Luckily he was in a McDonald’s where they’ve added lifeguards to the dining room.

Donald Trump called “indictment” the ‘N-word’ during a speech. “Indictment, please…” said Barack Obama.

Rumors are circulating that Paramount and Comcast may merge their Paramount + and Peacock streaming services. Details are scarce, but they’re reportedly stuck on whether to call it Peamount+ or Paracock.

NBA analyst Charles Barkley criticized the city of San Francisco, saying it’s full of “homeless crooks”, and adding that you can’t walk around the city unless you have a bulletproof vest, also known as a shooting guard.

The Daytona 500 was postponed one day due to rain. The race will take place today, officially kicking off Redneck New Year.

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The NBA indefinitely suspended Golden State Warriors forward Draymond Green for hitting an opponent in the face. During his free time, the NHL is teaching Green how to skate.

Amazon ended a ‘thank you’ program – where drivers received a $5 tip if customers told Alexa to ‘thank their driver’ – after two days. They ended the program to thank the warehouse worker who packed the order with a $5 tip after two seconds.

Burger chain In N Out opened their first location in Idaho and the wait at the drive-thru was 8 hours long. Gruhhub customers were told if they ordered now, they could still get their food in time for Christmas.

The Las Vegas Raiders routed the Los Angeles Chargers 63-21 on Thursday night. But the big winner is the realtor that gets to sell Chargers head coach Brandon Staley’s house.

Shohei Ohtani made his first appearance in a Los Angeles Dodgers uniform after signing a record $700 million contract. He plans to live modestly, and send money home so his family in Japan can finally have a shelter to protect them from attacks by Godzilla.

Sharon Osbourne said getting plastic surgery on her face was “the worst thing she ever did” – apparently forgetting about The Osbourne Family Christmas Special.

Pennsylvania joined several other states in making ‘porch pirating’ a felony. Several convicted thieves now face multi-year sentences for unknowingly stealing discreet shipments of adult diapers.

Barbara Furlow-Smiles, a former Facebook diversity & inclusion executive, pled guilty to stealing $4 million from the company. She’s free on bond, and may be a flight risk because she responded ‘Interested’ instead of ‘Going’ to her March sentencing.

Posh Spice Victoria Beckham told Allure magazine that she was bullied and told she can’t sing. “Kids can be horrible” she said, adding “they can also be right”.

Oprah Winfrey said that people making jokes about her weight was a ‘public sport’. In other news, the guy who authored the joke about her being detained at the airport for smuggling 50 pounds of crack was inducted to the Public Sport Hall Of Fame.

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McDonald’s announced it’s returning some items to the menu that had been cut for efficiency during the pandemic. Returning items include fully-cooked Quarter Pounders.

A part owner of the Golden State Warriors said his favorite interview question is asking a candidate to “think about something you love and teach it to me”.  He said it demonstrates creativity, and that it’s enabled him to learn a bunch of new sex positions.

Facebook removed some Trump ads for displaying an inverted red triangle – a symbol of organized hate. Then Facebook execs returned to counting the money they earn from disorganized hate.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website is now selling a candle ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm” for $75. Expensive, but her past husbands and boyfriends have spent a lot more to smell it.

Blood type may play a role in which COVID-19 patients get sickest. So far, the worst blood types to have are ‘New Jersey’ and ‘Florida’.

A new study lists seven health benefits of walking – or, eight, if you count walking alone without your family.

Tesla released a software upgrade for its electric cars, including the ability to record self-facing video from the dashcam, so drivers can see what they look like when they’re getting carjacked.

JCPenney kicked off Going Out Of Business sales at 136 of its store locations, and Probably Going Out Of Business sales at the rest.

Fox News viewers took note of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s smoother facial features, leading to speculation that she’s enhanced her appearance with fillers, a facelift, or a third mortgage of her soul with the Devil.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June Shannon, admitted that she was addicted to drugs, with a $2,500-a-day meth habit. Her friends offered to get her into rehab, but first they offered to find her much better prices for meth.

 

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Two domestic house cats in New York City tested positive for coronavirus. The cats have decided to self-quarantine for 15 years.

Facebook Messenger Kids app will launch in 70 more countries, providing a valuable communications tool for quarantined pedophiles.

With Kim Jong Un’s health in question, political observers are wondering who would be next in line to lead North Korea. Most agree that it would be Kim’s younger sister, Dakota Jong Un.

Zoom released version 5.0 with security and privacy improvements – so Zoombombers can now control who else on the video conference sees their genitals.

Tiger Woods & Tom Brady will take on Phil Mickelson & Peyton Manning in a charity challenge for COVID-19 relief called “Golf on TV Somehow Cures Boredom”.

The Masked Singer’s Banana was revealed to be Poison frontman Bret Michaels. Now millions of Americans – not just Poison groupies – have seen Bret Michaels’ Banana.

A new study finds eating potatoes with processed meat leads to higher risk of dementia, leading the American Medical Association to consider changing its name to McDementia.

Industry leader DJI is prepared to release its latest camera drone model, the Mavic Air 2. It costs $799, or $999 if you want it to just find topless women on its own.

Golden State Warriors head coach & former Chicago Bull Steve Kerr said in an interview that Michael Jordan punching him in the face “helped our relationship”. Kerr went into coaching after a brief, unsuccessful career as a marriage counselor.

Nintendo Switch consoles are being hacked and used to purchase expensive in-game currencies, according to a report from Detective Toad of the Mushroom Kingdom’s cybercrimes division.

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SunTrust and BB&T banks are merging and changing names to Truist. Asked to use it in a sentence, the CEO said “the Truist way to profitability is bounced check fees.”

A government watchdog group has recommended that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway be removed. The group is the Department of Hair, Makeup & Wardrobe.

  • They asked that Trump go too, but can’t do anything to a sitting President.

The Toronto Raptors won the NBA title, defeating the Golden State Warriors in six games. Prime Minister Trudeau’s staff is busily scheduling the team’s visit to 24 Sussex for a champion’s heat lamp buffet of McPoutine’s and Back Bacon King.

The New York Times shared a preliminary design of the Harriet Tubman $20 bill. It was reworked following a first draft showing Thomas Jefferson next to Tubman asking her out for drinks.

Scientists at Florida State University’s ‘MagLab’ – for the study of magnetic fields – have made the world’s strongest magnet. They’ve already received inquiries from Floridians interested in sticking an alligator to their refrigerator.

President Trump announced the departure of Press Secretary Sarah Sanders at a White House event promoting second chance programs for convicted felons. This way, their applications will be on top of the pile.

Nintendo is considering a move of its manufacturing operations out of China – to avoid U.S. import tariffs, and based on intelligence that Mario may be sharing intel secrets.

Bentley introduced a new sedan with a top speed of 207 miles per hour. Still, the 2020 Bentley Flying Spur is no match for the 1940 Oak Tree.

Google is ending integration of Google Photos and Google Drive. They say users find it ‘confusing’, adding that the move will make it much easier for Google to dis-integrate your content.

The first Democratic presidential candidate debates will air over two nights, June 26 & 27, on NBC Networks. Viewers are being tricked into watching by ads calling the debates ‘This Is 20 Of Us’.

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According to International Business Times, Queen Elizabeth II eats Special K cereal from a Tupperware bowl for breakfast most days — just like a regular person. Only three different servants feed it to her.

Democrat Kyrsten Sinema won the Arizona seat in the U.S. Senate, becoming the first openly bisexual U.S. Senator. “Alright!” said creepy Arizona men, before getting the explanation that “openly” doesn’t mean “open to anybody”.

Ozark, Missouri megachurch pastor John Lindell urged parishioners at his Assembly of God parish to stop going to yoga because it has “demonic roots”.  “This can’t be good for business!” said Ozark, Missouri’s top yoga instructor, Yogi Jethro.

CNN sued the Trump Administration, seeking the reinstatement of press credentials for barred reporter Jim Acosta.  White House lawyers promptly climbed the ladder that reaches to ceiling and put it on the pile of lawsuits.

Waka Flocka Flame announced that he’s ready to retire from rapping to start a family and become Waka Flocka Extinguished.

The Golden State Warriors are offering $100/month ‘In The Building Passes” to Oracle Arena, where fans can attend home games, but will have no seat and no view of live action except for TVs. They say the ‘not sitting and not seeing the game’ idea was inspired by fans bringing their 4-year-olds to games.

The FDA is recalling Losartan, a blood pressure medication, because it contains a cancer-causing impurity. Patients taking Losartan are being told to expect good news, then really bad news.

Petco announced that it will stop selling dog and cat food with artificial ingredients next year, a move hailed by house pets who eat excrement and garbage.

KFC added chicken & waffles to the menu for a limited time. People eating it can expect it to stay in their digestive system for a very, very limited time.

Marvel Comics pioneer Stan Lee died at age 95. His funeral will take place in two months. The eulogy is done, it’s just going to take a while to illustrate it.