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Donald Trump survived separate attacks on his life – one from a 20-year-old with an AR-15 rifle, and an ongoing attack from the McDonald’s Corporation.

Following the assassination, Melania Trump issued a statement: “nevermind”, to her life insurance agent.

Speakers at this week’s Republican National Convention were announced, crushing the hopes of a first payday in 10 years for Kevin Sorbo and Scott Baio, who were left out.

Kid Rock posted an angry video to social media saying “you f*ck with Trump, you f*ck with me!”. So now you know two different ways to contract genital herpes.

The new Las Vegas Sphere’s exterior screen showed an emoji melting in the 120-degree heat, lending new meaning to the phrase ‘hot as balls’.

A National Association of Realtors report claims Montana has the highest housing prices in the U.S. – frustrating young grizzly bear couples who are packing up and moving to more affordable North Dakota.

A study presented at the Nutrition 2024 Conference finds diet soda & other ultraprocessed foods are even worse for humans than past studies indicated. Researchers presented the findings at the Nutrition 2024 Conference after organizers cancelled their appearance at the 2024 Arby’s Franchise Owners Meeting.

China’s Communist Party is meeting in Beijing to set the direction for the nation’s economy. So far, officials’ most popular direction appears to be “depressing”.

The Copa America soccer championship in Miami, won by Argentina over Colombia, was delayed over an hour as fans without tickets tried to force their way into the stadium. Security opened several outside gates for safety to keep fans from being crushed, and to sell some extra $15 beers.

Alec Baldwin’s involuntary manslaughter charge for a shooting death on set of the film Rust was dismissed. Production is set to resume, and in about a year the film will also be dismissed.

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Research finds 35% of tattoo inks are contaminated w bacteria. And nearly 75% are contaminated with bad ideas

The blue light emitted from using your smartphone at night could lead to a higher risk of Type 2 diabetes. Especially if you’re using the light to see the bucket of chicken you’re eating in the dark.

Auto dealer software CDK was restored after a nearly two-week ransomware attack. The hackers finally returned control of the software after the dealers finally agreed to purchase the extended warranty.

The price of Forever stamps increases to 73 cents on July 14th. For $1.73 you can get Forever After stamps to send snail mail to dead people.

37 Massachusetts beaches were closed due to harmful levels of bacteria in the water. Officials tested the water after noticing sharks vomiting up the hands and feet they’d bitten off of swimmers.

A Delta flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was diverted to New York’s JFK Airport because some of the in-flight meals had spoiled. They’d have kept going if it was just the Coach meals, but Business & First Class had spoiled too.

Extreme heat caused a “pavement heave” that backed up traffic for miles on New Jersey’s Garden State Parkway. Meanwhile on the New Jersey Turnpike, a “rest stop heave” backed up counter service for a half hour at Roy Rogers.

Las Vegas set a new record temperature of 120 degrees, shattering the old record of 117 degrees. Several senior citizens bet the over but died walking to the casino to collect.

Middle schoolers were found to have created 20 fake TikTok accounts impersonating their teachers in Chester County, Pennsylvania. The students will not be punished, and the results of the Chester County Middle School Teacher Fart Contest have been nullified.

Paramount corporation will merge with Skydance, just as soon as they can figure out what to call Paramount+Skydance Plus Max Flix.

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Fan-Pei Koung of Houston, Texas is now living in Ukraine and working as an ’emotional support stripper’ for volunteers and soldiers during their war with Russia. Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy thanked President Biden for his ongoing assistance but said they could use quite a few more.

China replaced foreign minister Qin Gang, appointing Wang Yi as his replacement – this, according to an official government statement announcing the Gang/Wang transition.

New research finds climate change factors fueled many of the recent deadly heat waves in the U.S. and around the globe. Although the same studies concede the Sun has a lot of the blame too.

A study of internet search data finds California to be the most sleep-deprived state in the U.S. The same study concludes the least sleep-deprived state is West Virginia, thanks to fentanyl, and residents inability to spell, or search for, the term sleep-deprived on the internet.

Los Angeles Metro mass transit announced they’ll be adding extra lines to SoFi Stadium for the Taylor Swift concerts there August 3-6. They’re asking masturbators and drug addicts to help populate the additional buses and trains.

Moviegoers are citing a historical error in ‘Oppenheimer‘, with people waving 50-star flags in 1945, when the U.S. was comprised of only 48 states. This is angering others in the theater, when their partners wake them up to point out the error.

Presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis and aides were uninjured in a minor car accident. They don’t want to discuss the history of the accident since the car is black.

A woman on a Delta jet stuck on a Las Vegas tarmac for three hours with no air conditioning or water described it as hell..with babies screaming, passengers fainting and throwing up on themselves. They returned to the gate and she rebooked on Spirit Airlines, where she realized the Delta experience wasn’t so bad, after all.

One of Arkansas’s leading psychiatrists has been suspended for falsely imprisoning patients and defrauding Medicaid. He’s been ordered to turn in his crystal ball and doctor’s overalls.

CNN’s Anderson Cooper spoke with a woman who claims to have gone on a date with alleged Gilgo Beach serial killer Rex Heuermann. The woman said she’s since removed her profile from the Date Long Island Serial Killers app.

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2020 U.S. Census results are expected to show the number of white people in the U.S. shrinking, and population growth driven entirely by other ethnic groups. The Proud Boys are considering calling themselves a minority supremacy group.

David Schwimmer denied recent reports that he’s dating Friends co-star Jennifer Aniston. Aniston said they’re still on a permanent break.

Authorities in Italy say the island of Sicily may have set an all-time heat record of 119.8 degrees – driven by a rare anticyclone, and grandmothers refusing to turn their ovens off baking manicotti.

Southwest Airlines said the COVID-19 Delta variant is hurting its business, saying they have fewer drunk & disorderly passengers to pick the seat they get duct-taped into.

Tropical depression Fred is set to hit Florida. It’s set to be the second-biggest depression in Florida, the first being sick kids on ventilators in hospitals.

America’s Got Talent judge Simon Cowell got emotional speaking with contestant Jane ‘Nightbirde’ Marczewski, praising her courage and talent as she battles cancer. Cowell then promptly returned to telling other people how much they suck.

An asteroid called Bennu has a chance of striking Earth sometime in the next 300 years. “Could you be more specific?” asked Earthlings.

Taco Bell debuted their Taco Bell Defy concept, a drive-thru only restaurant with four lanes – one traditional, two for mobile pickups, and one for the ambulance.

A piece of Prince Charles & Princess Diana’s wedding cake from 1981 sold for over $2,000. Unlike Charles & Diana, it recently celebrated it’s 40th Anniversary on July 29th.

A judge ruled Norwegian Cruise Lines can mandate COVID vaccines for passengers and crew boarding tours departing from Florida, scoring a victory for traveler’s rights to get seasick.

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City of Philadelphia public schools will all have a gender neutral bathroom this fall, ensuring trans & non-binary students have a place to smoke and buy drugs.

Several matches at the recently-completed Wimbledon tennis championships are being investigated for alleged fixing – starting with the ones where players used badminton racquets.

Qanon believers are becoming increasingly prevalent in California yoga & spirituality communities – beginning and ending classes wih ‘Don Must Stay’.

A white “Karen” was recorded attacking a black woman in a Victoria’s Secret in New Jersey. She was escorted away by police after getting several of her panties in a bunch.

Conor McGregor received a six-month medical suspension, preventing him from fighting while he recovers from a broken leg. This upends McGregor’s plan to fight sooner by grabbing the leg with his arm and hitting his opponent with it.

A Cleveland hospital mistakenly transplanted a new kidney to the wrong patient. Worse, the patient can only return it for store credit instead of a refund.

Gillian Anderson will no longer wear a bra. The truth – and her nipple – is out there.

Astronomers sighted a rare teardrop-shaped star – meaning, it killed another star.

Extreme heat is killing salmon in the Sacramento River. It’s so bad, instead of trying to swim upstream to escape it, they’re booking flights.

Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman are now officially divorced. A judge signed off on the terms, including a custody arrangement where their two kids spend every other weekend in prison.

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Heat in Canada’s western provinces was so extreme, that mussels, clams and other shellfish were cooked alive on shore. Seals were given pagers to let them know when it was their turn to eat.

Statues of Confederate generals, including Robert E. Lee, were removed from Charlottesville, Virginia. They’ll be replaced with statues of other famous second-place finishers.

Recorded temperature at the Furnace Creek Visitor Center in California’s Death Valley National Park reached 130 degrees. Bears stopped in to the lodge to cool off before mauling exhausted hikers for a hot meal.

Passengers on an American Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Miami were ordered to place their hands on their heads for the final hour of the flight due to a reported threat. A screaming passenger was arrested, and dozens of others were treated for spilling Diet Coke into their hair & eyes.

Robert O’Neill, the Navy Seal widely credited with shooting Osama Bin Laden in the face, is seeking investors for his Armed Forces Beer Company. The beer, unlike Bin Laden, has a pretty good head on it.

The Delta Variant of COVID-19 has almost completely taken over reported cases in the U.S. It’s so prevalent, the only places you can still get original COVID are Big Lots & Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

New York’s famed Comedy Cellar does not want Bill Cosby to perform there if he resumes standup comedy. Other clubs are taking a wait-and-see attitude to see if he meets a 10-person bringer requirement.

Music mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun is rumored to be splitting from his wife, Yael. They share three children, but it appears she may be done riding her Scooter.

A California woman is suing, claiming her NutriNinja blender severely cut three of her fingers, and that the blood changed her green smoothie to yellow.

Gypsy moths are getting a new name to remove what some consider an ethnic slur. They’ll now be know as Traveling Scam Artist moths.

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Some California McDonald’s locations are offering COVID-19 vaccinations. Customers are happy with the free vaccine, but say the salt that workers shake onto the shot site kinda hurts.

Johnson & Johnson is exiting the opioid business, after paying out settlements to thousands of babies addicted to No More Tears w/Opioids Shampoo.

The Pacific Northwest is breaking climate records, with temperatures topping 100 degrees. Residents of Portland & Seattle are experiencing record cases of heat stroke; they want to support the sun because its product is cage-free and organic.

President Biden believes he’ll be able to pass a record infrastructure spending bill, creating thousands of good jobs and millions of angry Americans stuck in construction traffic.

Shootings in Chicago resulted in 63 wounded and 3 killed, in what officials are calling “Saturday”.

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled teachers must complete police training in order to carry guns in school. Ohio cops are making extra money on the weekend watching teachers shoot paper targets of unarmed students.

Kamala Harris finally visited the U.S./Mexico border and defended the timing of her trip – saying she got an even better rate at the Cancun Ritz Carlton than Ted & Heidi Cruz did a few months ago.

Afghans who assisted U.S. troops during the war will be relocated by the Biden Administration to protect them from Taliban retribution. That’s the good news, the bad news is they’re being relocated to North Dakota.

Scientists discovered a way to combine bacteria with plastic waste to create vanilla flavoring. They expect it to take a few more months before it’s used in a McFlurry.

Cardi B performed while pregnant at the BET Awards. However, she was on a strict ‘No Twerk’ order from her doctor to keep from concussing the baby.

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Masterpiece Cakeshop was fined $500 for refusing to make a birthday cake – blue on the outside, pink inside – for transgender woman Autumn Scardina. Scardina then tried to trick the baker by saying it was for a gender reveal party for a 30-year-old. [Story h/t to J.O.!]

Tori Spelling told an interviewer she no longer sleeps in the same bed as her husband Dean McDermott, that she sleeps with her kids and her dog. In other news, Tori Spelling’s dog filed for divorce.

Donald Trump said windmills “kill everything” in a recent interview with Fox News Sean Hannity. “Damn right” said the families of birds who died tragically.

Iranians are voting in their Presidential election. “Ayatollah who’s gonna win” said an Iranian pollster.

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of a Catholic services agency who refused to let gay couples provide homes to foster children. The agency expressed gratitude at the ruling and their continued ability to allow only hetero couples to abuse children.

Daredevil Alex Harvill died while warming up to break the world record for longest motorcycle jump. The coroner said he’ll perform an autopsy once he stops skidding.

Baseball’s Arizona Diamondbacks lost their 22nd consecutive road game. They’re so cold, fans can’t wait for them to return to 118-degree Phoenix.

Golfer Phil Mickelson was visibly upset by a ringing cell phone while playing the 13th hole at the U.S. Open. He demanded the phone be put on silent, but his caddie said it was the fourth time Phil’s wife called to ask when he’s getting home.

Billie Eilish is under fire for allegedly mocking Asians in videos she made in her early teens, when she was known as Beery Irish.

Haiti’s mens soccer team missed out on a chance to qualify for the 2022 World Cup, when goalie Josue Duverger mishandled a defender’s pass for an own goal, and they lost 1-0. Duverger will never be able to silence the haiters.

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Website 24/7 Wall Street reviewed unemployment filings to find the most secure jobs. Optometrists, veterinarians, and real estate appraisers had the highest job security; Presidential Cabinet Members had the lowest.

The searing heat in the western U.S. could raise the temperature of the pavement in Las Vegas to 147 degrees. “Come on, 150!” said a gambling addict who bet the over.

Public schools in South Dakota now display the phrase “In God We Trust” in 12-inch letters. The next challenge is giving more than half of South Dakota public school students the ability to read it.

A customer with a handgun shot two robbers at a 7-Eleven in Virginia Beach, killing one. The other was treated for internal injuries from gunshot wounds and the microwave burrito he ate during the robbery.

A Florida man is being treated for a potentially lethal infection on his buttocks caused by flesh-eating bacteria. The flesh eating bacteria are being treated for severe food poisoning.

‘Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashian’ featured a former L.A. gang member trying to get in shape at a boxing ring. The gang-banger said the boxing training was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, along with shooting people and fighting off Khloe Kardashian’s marriage proposals.

McDonald’s reported their biggest sales growth since 2012. CEO Steve Easterbrook cited new menu items, updated stores, and Americans just giving up.

A North Carolina man gave his wife a birthday cake decorated to look like her favorite thing, an Amazon delivery box. Before the party started, the cake was stolen.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met face-to-face with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and said afterward that they “don’t have that many differences” – overlooking their differing points of view on impeachment, and Pelosi never having been nearly that hot.

A 7 pound 11 ounce baby born on July 11 at 7:11pm was given a $7,111 college fund by 7-Eleven…who then recognized their mistake and instead gave the infant seven dollars ane eleven cents.

 

 

 

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Pornhub debuted a new channel of interactive videos that work with “connected male sex toys”. A Pornhub exec said that videos to work with connected women’s toys is in the works, but that guys always come first.

Facebook has hit 2 Billion monthly users – each of whom are really, really pissing somebody off right now.

  • While there are 2 Billion users, your Mom wonders why nobody liked that video she posted.

Bill Cosby issued a statement “the current propaganda that I will conduct a ‘sexual assault tour’ is false.” Cosby went on to say that his sexual assault touring days are behind him.

Chernobyl Nuclear Plant was a victim of a recent malware attack – with attackers downing computer systems in exchange for ransom.  A spokesperson for Chernobyl Nuclear said “eh, things have been worse.”

16 Million Americans in Southern California, Southern Nevada and Arizona are under a heat advisory. Residents are advised to check on elderly persons — or at least the ones that they like.

The CEO of Olive Garden told investors that sales are up 4% this year and that, surprisingly, 30% of their customers are Millenials. The other 70% pay the checks for meals, but 30% are Millenials.

Actress Michelle Rodriguez took to social media to say that the Fast & Furious films need more strong female voices. Producers plan to address her request by casting future movies with more chick cars.

A Verizon exec took a swipe at phone service rival T-Mobile, saying in the wake of a recent outage that T-Mobile “doesn’t work on Thursdays”. T-Mobile scheduled a conference call to address the issue on Friday.