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Starbucks pledged to eliminate plastic straws globally by 2020. Customers will be able to choose non-plastic straws, ‘strawless lids’, or having the barista just pour your drink down the front of your shirt and lap.

President Trump will name his newest nominee to the Supreme Court Monday night, at a televised press conference that is almost guaranteed to boost TV ratings for Monday Night Baseball.

A 55-year-old Florida man was arrested at a Chili’s restaurant in Vacaville, California for purposely exposing himself while seated at the bar. As he was led away in handcuffs, the man told officers “Chili’s in California are different than Florida.”

A missing 5-month-old infant was found buried alive under a pile of sticks in the Montana mountains. Police arrested the boyfriend of the baby’s mother for criminal endangerment, and also issued a court appearance citation to the beavers who own & operate Montana Mountain Child Care.

Justin Bieber is engaged to Hailey Baldwin. The couple confirmed the news on Instagram, will issue invitations on Instagram, marry on Instagram, and honeymoon on Instagram…but will probably be divorced in a Snap.

Tom Brady posted backyard video with his young son, showing his son attempting to catch him as he evades the son’s “pass rush” as the elder Brady wears a full helmet and pads. His son then hugs him, at which point Tom Brady yells at an off-camera official to call a late hit.

Costco is eliminating the Polish hot dog from its food court menu, causing customer outrage. A spokesman said the item created confusion with some of Costco’s dumber customers, who misread the sign and were arrested for indecency while polishing their hot dog.

Asian inventors released a video showing ‘Amphibio’, a large white mask for humans that they claim acts like a gill – allowing for underwater breathing, and for looking even more like an idiot when you drown .

Kim Kardashian visited a California women’s prison on Friday, meeting with 15 inmates to find out about their daily lives and their plans once they’re released.  Kardashian left with 14 marriage proposals, and 1 offer to smuggle in six kilos of heroin in her buttocks on her next visit.

Movie star heartthrob of the fifties and sixties Tab Hunter has died at age 86. No funeral arrangements have been announced, but the hope is that other actors will act as pallbearers to help pick up the Tab.

 

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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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104-year-old Australian scientist David Goodall, who’d raised $20,000 to travel to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide, died Thursday. Goodall ended his life while listening to Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ – he’d wanted to die listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, but ran out of skips on Spotify Basic.

South Georgia Island near Antarctica, a haven for seabirds that had been infested by non-native rats, has been declared ‘rat free’ in what’s being called the largest rat eradication effort in history, using 13 tons of poison. Scientists believe the only chance for a bigger rat eradication will be in 2020, if the Trump Administration is voted out of Washington.

Donald Trump Jr., soon to be divorced from wife Vanessa, is dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Guilfoyle co-hosts Fox News’ ‘The Five’; Trump Jr. has stated his desire to appear on the show, despite only having a Four And A Half.

The South Carolina Department of Natural Resources asked its social media followers to identify a fish that has human-like teeth.  “Why don’t they just ask me?’ wondered Captain Salty the Sea Dentist.

Doctors are warning patients not to wear spandex leggings and yoga pants during MRI procedures, since they may contain metallic threads that could cause burns. They also warn of creepy MRI technicians who share this information in the context of offering women free Butt MRIs.

50 Cent announced that he’s leaving Instagram and going back to Twitter, because they (Instagram) “take shit down off my page with out notifying me. #censorthesenuts” Instagram was then besieged with complaints from 50’s followers – angry that they couldn’t see the photo of his nuts.

The New York Mets lost 2-1 to the Cincinnati Reds in a game where the Mets were penalized for batting out of order in the first inning. Mets Manager Mickey Callaway took the blame for the error, saying he was busy talking to one of the player’s cute mom to see if she could join the team when they went out for pizza after the game.

Ivanka Trump and Melania Trump wore almost identical dresses to President Trump’s signing ceremony for an Executive Order promoting hiring military spouses. The President said they both looked great and couldn’t decide which of them to have sex with first.

Four Danish men in their 20s have started ‘Organic Basics’, a line of underwear that you can wear for weeks without washing, because silver threads kill 99.9% of all bacteria. 2-packs of men’s briefs cost $64 and 2-packs of women’s thongs cost $56. They’ve sold 200,000 units to rich, gross people who never have sex.

L Brands, owner of Victoria’s Secret, is the worst performing stock in the S&P 500 this year, with shares down 50% – and no sign that a push-up is coming anytime soon.

 

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An author working undercover at a U.K. Amazon warehouse said the culture was like a prison, and that he found bottles of urine on shelves because workers weren’t allowed bathroom breaks. Amazon denied the claim, saying that the bottles of urine are top sellers.

Due to crashes of its website, the IRS extended the annual tax filing deadline from April 17th to April 18th. Thanks to the additional time, charities recorded an extra $1 Billion in fake donations.

Former First Lady and Bush family matriarch Barbara Bush died at age 92. Current First Lady Melania Trump mourned the loss of Bush, saying as a child in Slovenia, she cried when a berry bush died.

24-year-old Instagram ‘star’ Melina Roberge was sentenced to 8 years in an Australian prison for smuggling $21 million worth of cocaine. Roberge grew a large Instagram following posting bikini photos at exotic travel destinations, but told a judge she intends to ‘pivot’ to videos about self-defense and keeping romance alive with her new wife.

President Trump mocked the media and Stormy Daniels for releasing a sketch of a man Daniels claims threatened her and her daughter after her alleged affair with Trump. Daniels and her lawyer are offering a $100,000 reward for identifying him, and have received one promising lead from “David Dennison”.

Acting Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met in secret with North Korea’s Kim Jong Un last week to discuss a possible U.S./North Korea summit meeting. Pompeo took the trip that was to have been made by Rex Tillerson, until Tillerson found out there wasn’t a Morton’s steak house in Pyeongyang.

A Federal investigation is ongoing in New Jersey, where thieves are using glue-covered bottles on a string to steal mail from U.S. Postal Service collection boxes. The criminals steal and deposit checks, and send vulgar replies to fan mail sent to Bruce Springsteen and Jon Bon Jovi.

A Wells Fargo banking executive, Jennifer Riordan, died from her injuries when an engine exploded on her Southwest Airlines flight and broke the window next to her seat. Wells Fargo expressed their condolences, and will close the six fake checking accounts they created in her name.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson met with the two black men arrested in Philadelphia at a Starbucks location after they were denied use of the bathroom without buying anything. The men declined Johnson’s offer to go to the bathroom with him.

Counterfeit Kylie Jenner makeup seized at a raid in Los Angeles tested positive for bacteria and animal waste. Jenner said that animal waste is not an ingredient of her facial makeup, just her tanning spray.

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Officers at The Vatican arrested and incarcerated Monsignor Carlo Capella on charges he uploaded and viewed child pornography. The Vatican charged him with hogging the computer while other clergy were waiting to do the same.

73-year-old former NFL and NCAA head coach Steve Spurrier has been named Head Coach of the Orlando team in the new Alliance of American Football. He’s expected to start work just as soon as he clears the league’s Dementia Protocol.

The Alliance of American Football is scheduled to begin play the week after the 2019 NFL Super Bowl with eight teams. It’s intended as an alternate league for pro football players to build or extend careers, and as an elaborate ruse so Donald Trump will quit his job to own a football team again.

The remaining seven Alliance of American Football teams have yet to be announced, but league officials will make the home cities public just as soon as they register with their respective bankruptcy courts.

A White House official told CNN that President Trump has begun early preparations for a potential interview with Special Counsel Robert Mueller. The preparations involve Trump identifying basic shapes and colors so that he can become reacquainted with actually telling the truth.

An Oklahoma mom posted that she’s “embarrassed” that her seven-year-old daughter’s textbook is the same one used by country superstar Blake Shelton in 1982. Shelton’s name was hand-printed on the inside front cover, and his high school senior year book report on it was tucked inside the back cover.

Singer Demi Lovato posted Instagram pictures of her stretch marks, extra fat and cellulite.  She shared the photos to show fans that she still loves her body even though it isn’t perfect.  In return, she was thanked by thousands of male creeps.

Conor McGregor was stripped of his UFC Lightweight Championship after McGregor threw a hand truck through a UFC bus window. He faces charges of felony criminal mischief and misdemeanor assault. The charges are a heavy betting favorite to win.

With McGregor out, the new undisputed UFC Lightweight Champion is Khabib Nurmagomedov – also from Ireland.

Facebook is planning to inform users if they were among the 87 million whose data was illegally obtained by Cambridge Analytica – leading to an estimated 50 million new Likes for Cambridge Analytica.

During a concert by singer Andrea Bocelli, the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra in Pisa, Italy was conducted by a robot. Between songs, orchestra members took turns olive-oiling it.

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Nepal banned double amputees and blind climbers from scaling Mount Everest as part of new safety regulations. Officials hope to curb a wave of accidents from blind climbers tripping over the frozen corpses of double amputees and falling to their deaths.

The sidewalk outside of Apple’s new retail location in Chicago is roped off because dangerous icicles are dropping from the roof. Apple apologized for the hazard and for slowing down attempts to get its new lower-priced replacement batteries for iPhones.

President Trump invited members of the Coast Guard to golf with him during his Christmas break at Mar-A-Lago. The President thanked them for their service retrieving two dozen balls from the water hazard on a par-3.

Serena Williams returned to tennis for the first time since giving birth to her daughter Alexis, losing in an exhibition to Jelena Ostapenko in Abu Dhabi. Williams won a set, but struggled with her serve, which she attributed to a hindered motion caused by her breast pump.

Michael Neu, a 67-year-old man in Slidell, Louisiana, was arrested and charged with 269 counts of fraud for running a ‘Nigerian Prince’ email scam. Neu also cancelled his visit to  an upcoming Nigerian State Dinner at the White House to deliver Mr. Trump’s inheritance.

Iran blocked Instagram, angering Iranian housewives eager to share their pictures and recipes for fesenjan and explosives.

A Delta Airlines flight from Detroit to Atlanta returned to Detroit after the captain discovered a small bird in the cockpit. The captain said he diverted the flight to avoid a distraction, and because the bird was holding more than 3 ounces of vodka in its flask.

NBC announced that Hoda Kotb is officially replacing Matt Lauer as co-host of the Today show. Lauer sent a message of support, along with the traditional congratulatory dildo.

The Miss America organization named past winner & former Fox News host Gretchen Carlson as its new Chairperson. Carlson reportedly wowed the Board of Directors with both her plans for the pageant and a killer baton-twirling exhibition.

The City of Chicago closed out 2017 with a total of 650 murders, a 15% decline from 2016. City officials cited improved policing, and city residents downloading the ‘My Murder Prevention Pal’ app.

 

 

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Crayola is being criticized for naming its new crayon ‘Bluetiful’ – with some saying it sends a bad message because Bluetiful is neither a color or a word. “It’s both now, bitches!” said a foul-mouthed girl who really likes to color.

Verizon will stop offering cell phone service in some areas of rural Montana, angering businesses as well as cattle who enjoy talking to friends & family in far away pastures.

President Trump angered critics by retweeting a gif depicting him hitting a golf ball that drills Hillary Clinton, causing her to fall as she boards a jet. Trump then cheated by not taking a two-stroke penalty for losing his ball out of bounds.

Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary is leaving, said a White House source close enough to know that Mike Pence has actually had a press secretary all this time.

At a White House dinner to discuss DACA with President Trump, Democrat Nancy Pelosi reportedly rebutted interruptions by asking “Do the women get to talk around here?” — at which point Melania Trump silently shook her head side-to-side.

Pro-Trump “Mother Of All Rallies” in Washington, D.C. drew around 1,000 people instead of the million they’d targeted, making it the Absentee Mother Of All Rallies.

The Pewaukee, Wisconsin school district is requiring “dress-wearing” students planning to attend school dances to submit a photo of themselves wearing the dress. School officials will approve or reject the dress based on the school’s dress code, and gay male students will send feedback on how to look even more fabulous.

Serena Williams’ infant daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr already has her own Instagram account, and has already unfollowed Kendall Jenner.

September 16th is the most popular U.S. birth date, according to a Harvard professor, and according to women who got desperate around Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

U.S. home ownership rates are at their lowest level since the 1960s. New research says a big reason is that millennials value experiences over possessions; and an even bigger reason is that baby boomers favor screwing millennials over paying them fairly.

In Pisa, Italy, a robot conducted the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra during a concert by opera singer Andrea Bocelli. After the show, an attractive cellist broke off an affair she’d been having with the conductor by unplugging him.

 

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President Trump was criticized for comments about French First Lady Brigitte Macron’s figure, telling her “you’re in such great shape.” Ms. Macron was said to have replied “thanks! You too-…uh…I mean nice suit!”

  • In turn, French President Macron said to First Lady Melania Trump “how the hell did you end up with this guy?”

Trump tweeted that he was leaving Paris and would attend the U.S. Women’s Open golf tourney at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey — leading to many rounds breaking pace-of-play records by women wanting to get off the course before he arrived.

  • Trump is expected to ask the LPGA Tour’s many Asian players for their help with North Korea.
  • Past champion Michelle Wie withdrew from the tourney, citing a neck injury, and possible injury from Trump’s never-ending handshakes.

Texas passed a new law permitting ‘open carry’ of knives with blades over 5.5 inches, a move applauded by the state’s many Samurai Cowboys.

President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized, then released, for dehydration after collapsing at a Habitat for Humanity home construction site in Winnipeg. The job foreman praised the 92 year-old for his hard work, before assigning him a double-shift to make up for lost time.

Chinese scientists reportedly conducted the first successful “teleportation” experiment – sending information from a proton in the Gobi Desert to a satellite. The work is being called a breakthrough — as the first time Chinese scientists entered the Gobi Desert.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were approved for memberships to the exclusive Country Club at Brookline. Club officials delayed the approval two years, citing concerns about member privacy, and cheating with deflated volleyballs at the club picnic.

Nordstrom’s website crashed during their big annual Anniversary Sale. Executives apologized and told frustrated shoppers it was more fun to slug it out in person, anyway.

Social Security beneficiaries are projected to receive a 2.2% cost of living increase next year. So now’s the time to hit up Gramma for that new bike.

Beyonce posted the first photos of twins Rumi and Sir Carter on Instagram. Bey is pictured cradling the two infants in front of a huge floral arrangement; the twins are pictured cradling iPhones and money.

A worker trapped in a room behind an ATM passed “Help Me” notes to ATM users to help facilitate his escape. Several of the customers thought the notes were either a joke, or a cruel comment about their measly checking account balance.

Taylor Swift ended a months-long Instagram absence with a congratulatory post for her BFF Selena Gomez’s new single. Swift has kept most of her followers during her break, who have stayed out of fear they’d get a mean song written about them if they left.

Muppet Studios fired the voice actor who has portrayed Kermit the Frog for the last 27 years. The actor, Steve Whitmire, said he’s devastated, that it’s not easy losing all that green.

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Donald Trump tweeted attacks at the hosts of MSNBC’s “Morning Joe”, saying host Mika Brzezinski was “bleeding from a facelift” during a January visit to Mar-A-Lago. First Lady Melania Trump defended her husband’s tweets, and asked Brzezinski if she used the doctor she’d recommended.

White House Spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders also defended the tweets, telling Fox News that Trump “fights fire with fire”..and that he’d have tweeted the fire emoji if he knew how to find it.

The Chicago Cubs visited President Trump at the White House. The last time the Cubs won the World Series, Teddy Roosevelt was President. Hearing this, Trump used the opportunity to brag that he carries a bigger stick.

Senator Ted Cruz posed with the Cubs World Series Championship trophy, finally giving Cubs fans a reason to regret winning it.

The state of California may require a warning on weed killer Roundup after research showed that active ingredient glyphosate is carcinogenic. The study followed dandelions that contracted cancer from Roundup.

  • Monsanto, the makers of Roundup, called the research “fatally flawed”. Monsanto is now hiring a new copywriter for their press releases.

McDonalds restaurants in India’s capital of New Delhi are all closing down temporarily as a result of expiring operating licenses — not because of Vindaloo McNuggets casualties.

Instagram introduced a new tool that blocks offensive comments, and also blocks spam in comments. As a result, Kardashian Instagram snaps have 90% fewer comments, and people may never know how to make money working from home.

#HeterosexualPrideDay is trending on Twitter, presumably because of people who like really boring parades.

City of Philadelphia District Attorney Seth Williams pled guilty to multiple bribery related offenses, thereby ending government corruption in Philadelphia for a few seconds.

An Indian doctor has created “Laughter Yoga”. It’s just regular yoga, where you don’t have to pretend you’re not laughing at the injuries, falling and farting.

The Atlanta Hawks debuted planned renovations to their home arena, including a bar behind the basket at floor level. The Hawks wanted to add convenience for groupies and people who don’t want to watch the game.

Jaguar has introduced the quickest passenger vehicle it has ever produced. At 592 horsepower, it goes from zero to the repair shop in under four seconds.