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A mother of 8 was sentenced to prison for her role in the January 6th riots. She told her family before she was taken into custody that four years of dinners are in the fifty freezers she bought.

Miami fourth graders were ‘distraught’ and a mental health counselor was hired after R-rated slasher film Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey was shown to them during class. “Hey, still beats multiplication tables” said several of the not-that-traumatized kids.

X, formerly Twitter, is charging $1 to new users in Philippines & New Zealand. Not to be outdone, Facebook is charging $5 to users in those countries to uninstall it.

In a text exchange with Elon Musk, Kanye West said he has autism symptoms from a car accident. This isn’t medically possible, but nevertheless, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recalled all Rolls Royce Spectrum models.

A Great Dane named Meadow delivered a record litter of 15 puppies at a North Carolina animal shelter. Three area hounds were swabbed for saliva before a one-of-a-kind special episode of Maury to see who is the father.

Trump ally Sidney Powell entered a surprise guilty plea in the Georgia election interference case and is expected to testify for the prosecution. Powell said it was either that, or be represented by Rudy Giuliani.

ABC’s Good Morning America will vacate its current studio and relocate to a new headquarters building constructed by parent company Disney. Instead of Times Square, the show will now be broadcast from Space Mountain.

Jada Pinkett Smith said she built a space where she could have romantic encounters when her children were little. She called it a sex room with Will Smith, and an Entanglements Room with other visitors.

A woman broke her finger attempting to catch a home run at the Philadelphia Phillies playoff game. Her boyfriend broke his finger when she sat back down.

In a new autobiography, Britney Spears claims Adderall to be her drug of choice in the mid-00s. She said the drug gave her a high, made her feel less depressed , and allowed her to really focus on finding good cheeseburgers.

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A hazmat crew was called to a daycare center in Allentown, Pennsylvania. The specifics weren’t given, but it’s believed someone tried sterilizing a Diaper Genie in the microwave.

ATM crime is up 600% since 2019. And that’s not even counting the dumber robbers who attempt their thefts by passing the ATM a note.

An Alabama library flagged as ‘inappropriate’ a children’s book, Read Me A Story, Stella because the author’s name is Mary-Louise Gay. In the book, Stella tells her daughter about the time she hooked up at a swinger’s club.

Jada Pinkett Smith said Chris Rock asked her out on a date years ago, amidst rumors she & Will Smith had divorced. Jada declined, which was a real slap in the face.

A fired ‘60 Minutes‘ producer, Alexandra Poolos, filed a sexual harassment lawsuit against CBS News, claiming show correspondent Lesley Stahl asked if she’d be willing to “use her body to get stories”. Stahl, who’s 81, said hers isn’t exactly moving the ol’ needle anymore.

The NFL Buffalo Bills fired General Counsel Kathryn D’Angelo and her boss, COO John Roth, for a “brazen” office romantic relationship which came to a head on the team’s recent trip to London, where both Roth & D’Angelo were seen working out the tight ends.

Social Security recipients will receive a 3.2% cost-of-living increase in 2024, down sharply from 8.7% in 2023. Seniors are expected to cut back on their high-rolling lifestyles of new Skechers and name-brand soup.

For the second time this year, the lone winning ticket for a record Powerball jackpot was sold to some lucky f***ing a**hole in California.

A bus carrying Philadelphia seniors to an adult daycare center was repeatedly struck by bullets during a shootout between police and criminals. Fortunately, just about everyone on the bus was prepared for shitting their pants.

Former golfer-turned-influencer Paige Spiranac released a steamy 2024 photo calendar. Disappointed buyers are calling it the ‘dogleg’ calendar because you can’t see any of the holes.

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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, died one week after setting the record for world’s oldest skydiver. The coroner said it wasn’t the fall that killed her, it was the sudden stop of her heart.

Jada Pinkett Smith revealed in an interview with Hoda Kotb that she’s separated from husband Will Smith. “Keep my wife’s things, out ma f**kin house” said Will Smith to the movers.

Scantily-clad prostitutes – wearing only enough clothing to avoid arrest by covering their genitals – are soliciting customers near a school in National City, California. Parents became concerned after their sons asked for $150 in lunch money.

Atlantic City, New Jersey will begin using drones dropping inflatables for beach rescues. To pay for it, visitors will be able to request the drones drop them beers on the beach or condoms under the boardwalk.

Taylor Swift’s Era Tour movie premieres Wednesday, and The Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles is shutting down everything but the AMC Cinemas for an opening gala. Mall businesses will be compensated for lost revenue, but the one person who wanted to see The Exorcist: Believer is out of luck.

Philadelphia Police rounded up over 1,000 traffic cones used by city residents to illegally save parking spots near their homes. Cops are now deciding what to do about families who put children in the spots to save them.

Floyd Mayweather is sending a private jet full of supplies to support Israel in their battle against Hamas – but they’re not sure how much help boxing gloves and jump ropes will be.

Alaska Airlines will serve a custom blend of coffee, which it claims is immune from airborne conditions like tasting bitter and weak, Customers who still want the bitter, weak, in-flight coffee are encouraged to book flights on the all-new Dunkin Airways.

Mattresses are piling up on the streets of Paris as the city’s bedbug infestation surges. Firefighters are also overworked, since the bugs, like many other Paris residents, smoke in bed.

The National Emergency Alert Test of cell phones on October 4th reportedly ‘outed’ many Amish people who secretly carried phones in violation of Amish law. Angry wives found text messages reading “Prithee Stoltzfus, are you not sleeping?”

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

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Arizona State University hired University of Delaware’s Natasha Adair as their new Women’s Basketball coach. Adair expressed her gratitude for an opportunity to get as far as possible from Delaware.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at The Oscars, following Rock’s joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaved head. Then co-host Amy Schumer slapped Rock, and called it “parallel thinking”.

The Los Angeles Police Department said Rock declined to file a police report against Will Smith following the slapping incident, according to the officers who interviewed Rock with their knees in his back for 15 minutes.

The FDA is expected to authorize a 2nd COVID booster shot for people over age 50, and the formation of a Booster Club to boost boosters for Boomers.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels made it to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four, routing Cinderella #15 Seed St. Peter’s, who were denied entry at the gates to New Orleans.

First Lady Jill Biden mourned the death of Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, saying she’s saddened that the two hardest-rocking drummers she knew are now gone – Hawkins, and Karen Carpenter.

A rare pink grasshopper was found by a Texas man. The grasshopper was hiding after being chased by a gang of angry straight grasshoppers.

A British man – paralyzed from the waist down – climbed 1,444 stairs with the help of a robotic exoskeleton, breaking a world record. He spoke to reporters afterward, asking if the elevator was fixed.

A man ran a half-marathon in 2 hours & 19 minutes while pushing his quintuplets in a stroller. His wife called and asked him to make it a full marathon since she was really enjoying the time alone.

A Florida non-profit, Keep Florida Beautiful, placed robots on beaches to pick up small litter items like cigarette butts and bottle caps. Currently all of the robots are recovering from severe infections after picking up condoms.

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Meryl Streep used a body double in Netflix film ‘Don’t Look Up’, where she’s shown nude from behind in the final scene. Nonetheless, the buttocks were already nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

Dr. Dre reportedly settled his divorce with ex-wife Nicole Young for $100 million, payable in installments of wads of $100 bills stuffed into her underwear.

Bing Crosby’s California estate in the Coachella Valley is on the market with a $4.5 million asking price. The current owner is being selective about buyers, ruling out those touring the home just to see the rooms where Crosby beat his children.

Amanda Renee Henry was arrested for assaulting flight attendants on a Spirit Airlines flight after they cut off her alcohol. Henry was also vaping, making lewd advances to male passengers, and trying to break open the cabin door while in the air. She’s expected to take a leave of absence as Spirit’s CEO.

Archaeologists say Africans used beads to express status and emotions over 50,000 years ago, creating what they call the oldest social network on record. They say the most popular beads were the ones indicating Mute and Interested in tribal gatherings.

Nearly 17 feet of snow has fallen in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains in December alone. State weather researchers reported the totals alongside news of another 10-year-old suffering a heart attack while shoveling driveways.

Jada Pinkett Smith, who revealed in 2018 she suffers from alopecia, gave a recent update on her condition. The update is “still bald”.

Comedian Amy Schumer had a cosmetic facial procedure – ‘cheek fillers’ – dissolved, once she realized no other female comedians had jokes she could copy about getting cheek fillers.

A hiker searching for deer antlers near Branson, Missouri found the skeletal remains of missing MMA fighter David Koenig, who’d disappeared two years earlier. The hiker requested privacy during this difficult time of not finding any deer antlers.

Legendary NFL coach & broadcaster John Madden died at age 85, evoking both emotional tributes and outrage as EA Sports announced, then cancelled, plans to rename its football video game Collinsworth 2022.

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A 9-foot-8-inch great white shark was spotted in the Long Island Sound near Greenwich, Connecticut. When President Trump heard that there were great whites in Greenwich, he scheduled a rally there.

DressBarn announced they’re closing all 650 locations, leaving customers wondering where else they can go to look dumpy on a budget.

Spice Girl Mel B was temporarily blinded due to a herpes flareup in her right eye. She claims to be fully recovered, but is telling men she stared at to get tested.

  • As for how she got herpes in her eye, nobody’s buying her “bad mascara” story.

Jada Pinkett Smith said on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ that at one point she had a “little porn addiction”. She then clarified that maybe she used the term ‘addiction’ a little lightly, and that by ‘little porn’ she meant dwarfs having sex.

The FBI raided the offices of uBiome – a company testing mailed-in samples of human feces to assess gut bacterial health – and accused them of fraudulent billing. Agents took computers and other records, but decided to leave the lab and the mail room alone.

Homeland Security is warning Facebook users of scammers requesting small sums of money, then following up with another scam accusing them of donating to ISIS and demanding payment to avoid jail. The scammers raised suspicion because unlike Facebook, they didn’t sell victims’ personal data.

A minor league baseball game between the Reno Aces and Tacoma Rainiers featured 33 runs, 39 hits, 16 walks, 10 home runs and about 20 spectators.

Sesame Street introduced its newest Muppet, a girl named Karli who lives with foster parents. Little is known about why she’s separated from her birth parents, only that her father “has a problem with cookies.”

A new study claims that cannabidol, or CBD – the non-psychoactive ingredient in marijuana – is effective in treating opioid addiction. This would make pot the first-ever gateway and exit drug.

Authorities in Delaware County, Ohio are investigating reports that middle school students put urine and semen in crepes served to teachers. Officials also cancelled the students’ plan to raise money for a class trip by selling cookbooks.

 

 

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A federal judge dismissed Stormy Daniels’ defamation suit against President Trump, saying that Trump calling Daniels’ claims of threats & harassment “a total con job” was just ‘rhetorical hyperbole’. The judge added that he can’t really remember Trump using language that wasn’t ‘rhetorical hyperbole’.

Former American Idol Season 6 contestant Antonella Barba was arrested & charged with dealing heroin.  Her next performance will be a blues number.

Los Angeles Dodgers announcing legend Vin Scully declined an invite from Fox Sports’ Joe Buck to join him in the broadcast booth during the Dodgers/Brewers playoff game. Scully said that he wouldn’t want to get in the broadcasters’ spotlight in any way, especially if it meant listening to Joe Buck.

A Tennessee father attacked his son with a chainsaw, then lost his leg when the son ran over him with a riding lawn mower in self-defense. The father was charged with second-degree attempted murder, and neighbors were left wondering who was going to clean up the huge mess in the yard.

Lady Gaga confirmed her engagement to talent agent Christian Carino, or, as he’ll soon be known, Lord Gaga.

A New England Patriots fan who dumped beer on Kansas City wide receiver Tyreek Hill has been identified and had his case turned over to local law enforcement. He has also been banned from all Gillette Stadium events – but was spotted at a local Halloween store buying a disguise for a Kenny Chesney concert.

Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren made public results of a DNA test that she says proves her claim of Native American heritage. The DNA was swabbed from a deck of cards at an Indian casino where she worked as a blackjack dealer.

Will Smith appeared on wife Jada Pinkett Smith’s Facebook show, ‘Red Table Talk’ to discuss a low point in their marriage. Will Smith said that his wife ” woke up and cried for 45 days straight.” Jada said that she was drinking too much, and had also just watched ‘After Earth’.

Singer Roger Daltrey said in a new memoir he discovered he had fathered three ‘secret’ daughters in the time between his first and second marriages. “Who are you? Who? Who?” he asked them.

An article by Gizmodo claims that the ‘Do Not Track’ privacy feature in web browsers doesn’t work because websites refuse to abide by it. This was noticed by a guy receiving a gift basket on his fifth anniversary buying Pornhub Premium.

 

 

 

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Apple announced that it’s acquiring Shazam. Soon you’ll be able to identify a song, be hounded to buy it on iTunes and lose it in an iOS update all in 10 minutes.

Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3-10 years in prison for his sexual assault conviction and was taken directly to prison. Later that day, a van carrying the Chippendale dancers appeared at Cosby’s suburban Philadelphia estate.

Dunkin Donuts will now be known only as Dunkin. So now when you send the intern out for coffee, you can just tell them to get it “anywhere but Dunkin”.

Millennials are cited as the reason for an 18% drop in the U.S. divorce rate. Not only because millennials are avoiding marriage, but because the ones living at home until they’re 30 are keeping their parents from divorcing.

Michael Kors is acquiring Versace for $2.1 billion, now we just have to worry about someone murdering Michael Kors.

Comcast bid $30 billion to acquire a stake in Europe’s Sky Broadcasting. “Alright! I hear great things!” said a Sky customer who’s been grossly misinformed.

Buckingham Palace is selling $40 replicas of Meghan Markle’s engagement ring. It comes with a faux diamond and a couple of curly red hairs stuck in the setting.

2018 is a record year for cases of West Nile virus. Mosquitos commemorated the achievement by popping open bottles of blood they’ve been saving for a special occasion.

“The most dangerous thing that U.S. children do as part of daily life is ride in a car,” writes Benjamin Hoffman, chair of the American Academy of Pediatrics Council on Injury, Violence and Poison.  “I’ll say!” said a 7-year-old driver who crashed into a tree after hijacking the family minivan to Chuck E. Cheese.

Will Smith commemorated his 50th birthday with a bungee jump from a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. He was joined by his children and his wife, Jada, who boarded the chopper after surrendering a set of hedge clippers.

A 30-year-old Florida man was arrested after he stripped naked and picked fights with passersby in a Chick-fil-A parking lot. No one fought the guy, because they were all chikn.

Hannah Storm & Andrea Kremer will be the first female NFL broadcasting duo when they call Thursday nights Vikings/Rams game for Amazon Prime. Storm is expected to do color, and Kremer is expected to tell Storm how great that color looks on her.