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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

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Only 60% of student loan borrowers made payments once they were resumed in October, according to students borrowers asking their parents if they made the payment.

Brazilian model Caroline Werner slammed the country’s legal system after she was arrested and handcuffed for walking her dogs while topless on a local beach. Men on the beach defended Werner, saying they’re always happy to see those puppies.

Pennsylvania is considering a bill mandating active-shooter panic alarms in schools – providing kids hoping to cancel tests witb a second option after the fire alarm.

Uber introduced a new service returning gifts for customers. Drivers are currently learning how to sexually harass sweaters and small appliances.

A bird strike forced the emergency landing of a Southwest Airlines flight. Taking a cue from Southwest, the bird cancelled all of its remaining flights that day.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert announced she won’t run for reelection in the third Congressional district where she lives, but will run in the state’s fourth district. She considered abandoning Colorado altogether, but found out OnlyFans customers don’t get their own Congressman.

Donald Trump issued an angry social media post refuting an accusation that he “bullied” his way to a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. He then reiterated his claim that the Wet Bandits stole votes in battleground states.

University of Wisconsin LaCrosse fired Chancellor Joe Gow after discovering he & his wife made & distributed porn videos on adult websites. However, he retains his title as Professor Emeritus of Enterpreneurship & Poundin’ It.

A woman sued her dentist, after alleging he performed 4 root canals, 8 crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit. On the bright side, she met her deductible payment for 2023.

Author Emma Flint faces criticism for defining herself as “abrosexual” – someone whose sexual identity fluctuates and changes. Flint’s supporters include many convicted felons, who say their own sexual identity changed after they went to prison.

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Starbucks employees seeking to unionize went on strike for the company’s annual Red Cup Day, a reusable holiday cup giveway. However, they were back on the job for Wrong Name On The Cup Day.

A Texas mom was banned for life from Carnival Cruise lines for attempting to bring CBD sleep-aid gummies on a ship – giving new hope to those people desperate to avoid going on a cruise with their family.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner said of fans wanting to know what he tells his two final Bachelorettes in ‘Fantasy Suites’ – “it’s none of their f#cking business”. Hearing this, some fans said they really just want to know if 71-year-old Gerry is capable of any f#cking business.

Snoop Dogg said he’s giving up smoking weed after much consideration and conversation with his family – who he can actually see again once the smoke clears.

The Vatican is switching to an all-electric fleet of Volkswagen vehicles in an effort to reduce its carbon footprint while driving altar boys to area hotels.

A consumer group released its worst toys of 2023, including CogniToys wifi-enabled dinosaur toy that collects a child’s name, address, birthday, gender & payment information. It’s advertised on TikTok and is known as the Chinasaur.

The same consumer group said it doesn’t recommend virtual reality headsets for younger people, claiming it stunts their development. But try telling that to the kid watching movies on it who’s already learned two dozen different sex positions.

Congressman George Santos faces expulsion after an ethics investigation found he spent campaign funds on Botox, luxury trips, and OnlyFans. He said the OnlyFans was a favor to help Congresswoman Lauren Boebert grow subscribers.

The U.S. Education Department is investigating Lafayette, Columbia, Cornell, Cooper Union, Penn & Wellesley over incidents of antisemitism and Islamaphobia. They said it’s easier than trying to make a dent in racist behavior at community colleges.

Amazon Prime debuted a new Tyler Perry documentary: Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story. They’re concerned that his fans may have trouble finding it, so they’re renaming it Tyler Perry’s Maxine’s Baby: The Tyler Perry Story. A Tyler Perry Film.

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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

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Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg discussed a “cage match” battle online after Musk criticized Zuckerberg. It’s unclear if it’ll happen since neither man could trust that anyone would want to open the cage after they’re both locked in.

The USDA cleared lab-grown chicken for sale. Unfortunately, early batches have already been recalled due to contamination with lab-grown bird flu.

United States average reading and math scores dropped to their lowest level in decades, owing to classroom disruptions from the COVID pandemic. Department of Education officials became alarmed when they saw Mississippi’s test averages climb to 49th.

The FTC sued Amazon, saying they duped millions of customers in to signing up for Prime, made it difficult for Prime customers to disconnect, and caused untold pain & suffering to husbands having to watch The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel with their wives.

None of the 10 Most Liveable Cities in the world – as ranked by the Economist Intelligence Unit – are in the U.S. However, all 10 of the same organization’s Most Dieable Cities are in the U.S., topped by Chicago & Philadelphia.

A hail storm at Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado injured 100 people there to watch a Louis Tomlinson concert, but who ended up seeing The Stones instead.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called fellow GOP Representative Lauren Boebert “a little bitch” on the House floor. Asked about it, Boebert said “I’m not in middle school” – since she dropped out of the sixth grade.

A new study claims men with longer noses have bigger penises. Cyrano de Bergerac is being rewritten as a one-act play where Roxanne just gets with him right away.

Eroxon, a topical stimulant gel for treatment of erectile dysfuncton, was approved by the FDA. Just open the tube and rub it on the affected area 200 times.

Indicted Congressman George Santos may soon be forced to disclose who posted his $500,000 bail for fraud. Santos has refused, saying that’s a private matter between him and Bruce Wayne.

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A gay Austraian woman claims she was sent to the hospital for having an ‘overstimulated clitoris’. She requested a second opinion, which took a while since they couldn’t get a male doctor to find it.

Khloe Kardashian confirmed that she and ex Tristan Thompson are having another baby, to be delivered via surrogate. They chose ‘surrogate’ because it’s easier than saying ‘another woman that Tristan knocked up on a road trip’.

Colorado Representative Lauren Boebert claims in a new memoir her husband was the ‘real victim’ in a case where he exposed his penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley – marking the first time an elected Congressman has written a memoir with a passage about a spouse exposing their penis to an underage girl in a bowling alley.

Delta Air Lines flew 1,000 lost bags from London’s Heathrow Airport to its hub in Detroit, Michigan as a first step toward reuniting the bags with their owners. Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the head of the baggage handlers union called 1,000 lost bags “a typical Tuesday”.

Bob Dylan is the latest artist to ban smartphones from his concerts, disappointing fans who were using their phones to look up the lyrics to Dylan’s songs because they couldn’t understand what the hell he was singing.

Viral photos show a man at a Chicago White Sox game texting an escort for sex in exchange for a $100 gift card, all while seated next to a young girl. The date turned out to be a flop, since the guy showed up with a $100 gift card from the Chicago White Sox Team Store.

A 40-year-old woman was fired from her job teaching STEM content to fifth graders after her Only Fans account was discovered. Fifth grade boys were disappointed, saying she definitely extended their STEM awareness.

A 21-year-old Brazilian woman claimed she was hospitalized with ‘trapped gas’ from holding in her farts while attending a music festival with her boyfriend. The woman is now okay, but three ER nurses were placed on ventilators after successfully treating her.

Police in a suburb of Medellin, Colombia destroyed 1.5 tons of marijuana by burning it – and engulfing the entire town in a cloud of weed smoke. Residents bombarded 911 with calls asking for directions to the Phish concert.

A 200-lb turtle was rescued after becoming stuck beneath a boardwalk at Florida’s Satellite Beach. The turtle was treated for malnourishment, and for trauma from having to watch so many gay couples go at it.

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Scientists now claim there were three species of tyrannosaurs, not just Rex – but concluded Tyrannosaurus Seth & Tyrannosaurus Dakota weren’t tough enough to survive.

Major League Baseball, unable to reach a new collective bargaining agreement with players, cancelled Opening Day. Ticket holders are advised to make alternate plans to get drunk on a Wednesday afternoon.

Former The Bachelor-star-slash ‘out’ gay man Colton Underwood got engaged in Big Sur, and is happy that he found his Big Sir.

Felicity Ace, a cargo ship carrying thousands of luxury cars like Lamborghinis & Porsches, sunk in the Atlantic Ocean after it caught fire. Filming begins next week on The Fast & The Furious: Crabs vs Sea Turtles.

Jon Bon Jovi turned 60, and is now Livin’ On A Medicare.

Republican representatives and serial imbeciles Lauren Boebert and Marjorie Taylor Greene repeatedly heckled President Joe Biden during his State Of The Union address, but were allowed to stay because they’d each met the two-drink minimum.

Doctors report the pickleball craze is leading to a rash of hospital visits among baby boomers. Players are advised to employ stretching exercises before games, and to always bring their defibrillator.

Philadelphia dropped its mask mandate, allowing city drivers to see the smiling face of their carjacker.

Russia’s invasion of Ukraine may increase in the price of beer, according to the Brand Manager in charge of the wild new flavors of Bud Light Hard Seltzer!!

Juli Boeheim, wife of Syracuse University basketball coach Jim Boeheim, was robbed at gunpoint outside of the city’s Destiny USA shopping mall. The robber was credited with a steal, and Juli with a turnover.

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Viral video shows an armless man in a motorized wheelchair pointing a gun held with his foot at a jewelry store clerk during a robbery. The perpetrator made off with several Rolex anklewatches.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly sold his music catalog to Sony for $500 million: roughly $499,999,990 for songs prior to 1990, and the rest for everything after.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer after less than one year on the job. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by Rural Meyer.

After two seasons, Disney+ cancelled ‘Diary Of A Future President‘ about a Cuban-American teen girl who grows up to become President of the United States. The creator is sad they didn’t make Season 3, where she teams up with Ivanka Trump to overthrow the government and become President.

Feral hogs have overrun a Southeast Texas county, roaming in packs of dozens and wrecking property in their path. Perhaps worst of all, they’re cutting the lines at the Chick-fil-A drive thrus.

90-Day Fiance star Stephanie Matto claims she’s made $100,000 selling her farts in jars. She claims she ate so many fiber bars to generate flatulence that she almost landed in the hospital – delaying a large shipment to Mar A Lago.

Ben Affleck said he abused alcohol while married to Jennifer Garner because he felt trapped, and that if they were married he’d still be drinking. Affleck said he’d sleep on the couch and drink scotch – 13 ounces, going on 30.

Hilaria Baldwin posted the family’s “perfectly imperfect” Instagram holiday card – calling it that because they only took one shot.

AT&T will comply with the January 6th Committee’s subpeona for phone records of members of Congress. Boost Mobile has yet to respond after Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Jim Jordan & others switched on January 7th.

McDonald’s reclaimed $105 million paid to former CEO Steve Easterbrook as severance, after proving Easterbrook lied about three inappropriate sexual relationships with employees, known only as Red R, Black H, and Purple G.