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The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.

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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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Delaware opened a first-of-its-kind mobile DMV office, open from 10a to 2p every Tuesday, to process up to 3 customers.

Lizzo is being sued for sexual harassment and for fat-shaming her backup dancers, in what’s expected to be the U.S.’s biggest Pot v Kettle lawsuit.

New Jersey’s Lieutenant Governor Sheila Oliver died at age 71. Arrangements are being made for state residents to view her and offer their congratulations on getting out of New Jersey.

A new Journal of the American Medical Association [JAMA] study concludes that men drink themselves to death more often than women, but female deaths from alcoholism are increasing more rapidly. The study is titled “Chicks Can Hang“.

Investigators concluded there is no connection between accused Gilgo Beach Long Island murderer Rex Heuermann and the 2006 deaths of women in Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey – finding that Gilgo is really more of a local serial killer beach.

Donald Trump’s latest indictment for attempting to overturn the results of the 2020 Presidential Election lists 21 lies he’s told about the election. There are more, but the special counsel’s assistant got carpal tunnel syndrome typing indictments.

Amazon Clinic, a 24/7 consultative medical health care service, is now available in all 50 states. Anyone can access it for medical advice, but priority is given to medical distress calls for Amazon warehouse workers.

A study of 1,000 adults found that sleeping late on weekends is bad for adults overall health. They advise sleeping in during the week, which is better for your health and bad for your career.

Argentina fast-food restaurant Honky Donky stirred outrage in the Jewish community by offering an Anne Frank burger and Adolf fries. Honky Donky admitted that few people were ordering the burger since it initially was only on their hidden menu.

The mic Cardi B threw at an audience member [and missed] who tossed a drink on her during a Las Vegas show is being auctioned off for charity. Unfortunately, none of the proceeds go to the concertgoer who was WAP’d in the head by it.

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Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn broke up after six years together. As Swifties try to decipher who she’s referencing in her scorching new ex-boyfriend diss track, ‘Joe I’ll Win’.

HBO’s The White Lotus, previously set in exotic locations like Maui and Taormina, Italy, announced Season 3 will be set in Thailand – narrowly edging out Dollywood.

A 50-year-old man was found dead on a Philadelphia city golf course in what police are calling “suspicious”. He was only shot once, which is 3-under-par for Philly.

A Mississippi woman was arrested for having sex with a dog outside of a church in Mississippi. A local sheriff called it “one of the most disturbing cases he’s ever worked – they aren’t even married.”

A Chinese man was arrested for scaring 500 of his neighbor’s chickens to death using flashing lights. The local fire department was called to see if they could organize an overnight barbecue.

A gynecologist in Honduras shared the most shocking thing he’d ever found in a woman’s vagina – a cockroach. He also shared the second-most shocking thing he’s found, a cockroach trap.

In a jailhouse interview for UK television, convicted sex offender Ghislaine Maxwell said a photo of Prince Andrew with a teen accuser is “fake”. Mainly because Andrew is “wearing clothes”.

A ‘highly important’ painted porcelain Chinese bowl from the 18th century, measuring 4 inches in diameter, sold at auction for $25 million. The purchaser gets to keep the Skittles that were in it.

‘Bikini baristas’ won a $500,000 settlement against Everett, Washington for violating their rights by demanding they cover up, and will continue to wear minimal clothing. Although several original female plaintiffs have quit the Hillbilly Hotties shop due to 2nd-degree cleavage burns from spilled coffee.

An Indonesian man broke his penis in ‘the world’s most dangerous sex position: reverse cowgirl’ – which is reportedly responsible for 50% of penis fractures. That number increases significantly if the cowgirl in question is Lizzo.

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14 dogs hopping on their hind legs broke the Guinness World Record for longest canine conga line. Officials later disallowed a 16-dog line when it was determined they weren’t dancing, they were all just humping each other.

A Chinese spy balloon was finally shot down over Myrtle Beach. Parts of the balloon were retrieved from the ocean, along with an attached banner reading ‘Will you marry me Yingyue?’, and classified documents from the Trump & Biden administrations.

Republican members of Congress plan to boycott President Biden’s State of the Union address on Tuesday, citing disagreements with his policies, and fear of missing an all-new ‘9-1-1 Lone Star‘.

Dell is laying off over 6,000 workers, representing 5% of their workforce. Or, as a Dell spokesperson put it, they’re hitting Ctrl/Alt/Del on their careers.

Winners at the Grammy Awards included Harry Styles, Beyonce & Lizzo in the welterweight, middleweight and heavyweight divisions.

Including her wins last night, Beyonce’s 32 Grammys broke the record for the most Grammy wins all-time, formerly held by Hungarian-British conductor Georg Solti. Solti is busy assembling a new orchestra to record a Beyonce diss track.

Breakfast sandwiches and fruit cups were recalled for possible listeria contamination, which somehow make high school cafeteria food even riskier than usual.

A new study claims reducing alcohol consumption lowers dementia and Alzheimer’s risk. The study authors also claim if you’re drinking to forget, it’s working.

AMC Theaters will start variable pricing for seats at the movies. Seats in front rows will be cheaper, seats in the middle will be more expensive, and people in seats at Tyler Perry movies will be paid $14 each.

Dr. Phil’s decision to end his tv show came following attempts to revamp the show to win back advertisers. The attempts failed, as sponsors said “cash us out on The Kelly Clarkson Show, how bout dat?”

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After being dropped by Adidas for antisemitic remarks, Kanye West showed up uninvited at Skechers headquarters in Los Angeles, but was escorted away by security. Other sneaker makers are also declining a Conversesation.

MTV is rebooting ‘Cribs’ – starting with a premiere episode featuring a dozen of them holding Nick Cannon’s newborns.

Shares of Facebook parent company Meta plunged 20% as investors questioned the company’s ongoing investment in virtual reality. CEO Mark Zuckerberg is unfazed, saying shares are up a gazillion percent in the Metaverse.

Medical experts are concerned the U.S. will face a ‘tripledemic’: COVID, flu & RSV (respiratory virus) this winter. Although smartphone gambling addicts are hoping that it happens so they win their 10:1 three-legged parlay.

A diver found a sixth dead body in Nevada’s Lake Mead, where waters are receding due to record drought. The man just happens to be a diver, he found the body by driving up to it.

Taylor Swift’s ‘Anti Hero’ music video has reportedly been edited to remove a scene where she sees the word ‘Fat’ while weighing herself. The scale now reads ‘200 more pounds til you’re Lizzo!’

Seven people were injured when a train ride derailed at Branson, Missouri’s Silver Dollar City. It was Branson’s largest casualty event since ten people harmed themselves sitting through the Yakov Smirnoff Revue.

Medical professionals say people shouldn’t participate in the latest viral TikTok trend: taping your mouth shut while sleeping. Wives with insatiably horny husbands say they’ll still take the risk.

Ford and Volkswagen terminated a billion-dollar investment in tech firm Argo Ai to develop vehicles without steering wheels, pedals or brakes, after a development meeting where Argo Ai presented them with a skateboard.

Khloe Kardashian called ex Tristan Thompson a “f**king liar” when he said he wanted to expand their family. For his part, Thompson, who’s fathered children with three women, admits she got the “f**king” part right.

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Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.

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Rodney Alcala, a serial murderer known as The Dating Game Killer, died in prison before he could be executed. The Wheel Of Fortune killer RE_AI_S AT LAR_E.

A woman who matched with a January 6th rioter on dating app Bumble turned him in to federal authorities. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop, he wanted to break into her house with dozens of his friends.

Doctors, nurses and other medical workers are demanding that all health care professionals get COVID-19 vaccines, except for maybe hospice caregivers because, well, you know..

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania contractor was fined for employing minors at his roofing company. He was reported after a customer saw him carrying a worker up a ladder on his shoulders as he held a Fisher-Price toolbox.

Las Vegas Police solved a 1989 cold case murder using a record-low volume of DNA cells – determining the killer was the victim’s cousin, who died in 1996. Jury selection begins next week for the trial of the suspect’s skeleton.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Kyle Richards – who is allergic to beestings – was briefly hospitalized after walking into a beehive. Her costars all walked into the same hive a day later after noticing Kyle’s fuller lips.

Rapper Lizzo posted a viral TikTok video twerking while wearing popular new “booty lifting” $19 Seasum leggings from Amazon. The leggings are also popular with Amazon warehouse workers because they, too, do a lot of heavy lifting.

The NFL’s Houston Texans appear to have reversed course and may trade disgruntled QB Deshaun Watson, who’s been named in over 20 sexual assault allegations. He’s been sued so many times, the league may put up a testimony tent next to the concussion one.

NBC Universal is being torched for putting Team USA Men’s Basketball opening-round Olympic loss to France on its struggling streaming service, Peacock. A spokesman said they put it on Peacock because they didn’t want viewers to miss the air fryer infomercial on CNBC.

It’s so hot at the Tokyo Olympics, Russian tennis player Anastasia Pavlyuchenkova shoved bags of ice up her skirt during changeovers. “Uh oh” said her boyfriend.

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Egypt paraded 22 mummies through the streets of Cairo as they moved between museums. The parade took 12 hours since the mummies were really dragging their feet.

A double-mutant COVID-19 strain emerged in California. It’s believed to have originated when Wolverine made out with Storm on the set of Maskless X-Men.

Republicans are railing against the idea of COVID-19 ‘vaccine passports’ – mainly because they’re older and not crazy about their passport photos.

Dubai police made multiple arrests after nude women were photographed on the balcony of an apartment building, in violation of public decency laws. They face fines and prison terms, while the property manager faces a tenfold increase in guys wanting to rent apartments there.

A Tulsa, Oklahoma man was arrested for stalking a female coworker by leaving candy & food on her doorstep, then shooting her husband when they emerged from their home. He remains in jail, while the raccoons that ate the candy and food try to bail him out.

A magnitude 4.0 earthquake struck the Los Angeles area at around 4a.m. Monday, hoping to get the jump on traffic.

Cher apologized for a Tweet speculating if she were present at the murder of George Floyd, she could have helped. It started “if i could turn back tiiiiime..”

New Mexico has already administered COVID-19 vaccines to over 50% of residents. Local health officials credit both the efficiency of their plan, and New Mexico not offering much other interesting shit to do.

Katy Perry said she’s quit shaving her legs since becoming a Mom, describing herself as “fine, fresh, fierce ..and furry”.

Lizzo shared multiple photos on Instagram wearing a form-fitting purple dress with a lower-back cutout that exposed her butt crack. She had it made so she had somewhere to put her microphone while she’s clapping on stage.

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Heavy storm activity washed thousands of penis-shaped ‘fat innkeeper worms’ on to a northern California beach. Ordinarily, to see that many ugly dicks on a beach you’d have to go to the Jersey Shore in July.

Senator Mitch McConnell said in the event of a Senate Impeachment Trial, he’ll let White House lawyers run it. So they’ll need to move the time to coincide with the work day in Ukraine.

Lizzo is Time Magazine’s 2019 Entertainer of the Year. She awaits her congratulatory insult tweet from President Trump.

Comcast announced price increases for its cable TV and broadband Internet service plans. In a statement, a spokesperson attributed the price hikes to the sun rising and the sky being blue.

Amazon is launching a home internet service. Once you click a link, the page loads in two days.

Slate published an opinion piece asserting homeowners with doorbell cameras should have a sign telling visitors they’re being recorded. That way, package thieves can go back to their car and grab a hoodie.

Disney is being sued for putting the phrase “Trust Your Journey” on Frozen 2 merchandise, because a breast cancer support organization trademarked it. Disney lawyers so far have failed to prove that Olaf the Snowman has cancer.

The FDA is investigating 3 separate E. coli outbreaks. Even though they’re reportedly caused by bags of salad, inspectors are starting at Chipotle since doing so has saved them a lot of time in the past.

The NFL’s New York Giants waived cornerback Janoris Jenkins after he called someone a “retard” on Twitter. Jenkins and all other professional athletes have learned their lesson and will never call opponents or fans an awful name like that again.

Scientists and addiction experts are advocating replacing the term ‘alcoholic’ with ‘alcohol use disorder’.  They also say a private gathering of people with alcohol use disorder can still be called an AA Meeting, while public ones can still be called ‘happy hour’.