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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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A change in your walking gait could be an early sign of dementia. Especially if it’s a change caused by not knowing where in the hell you walked to.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stefon Diggs was stranded in the city after his Ferrari got stuck in the snow. It was towed to safety, immediately after two Bills fans jumped off the top of it and through a folding table stored in the tow truck.

Novak Djokovic remains in a “deportation hotel” in Australia pending a determination whether he can play in the Australian Open. Djokovic refused vaccination, but Australia reversed its decision to allow him entry, so it’s technically a double-fault.

A new language has been created in the Pacific Northwest, called Protactile, used by deaf/blind people to communicate through touch. The first phrase ever developed was “I want to talk to you. Did you wash your hands?”.

Nicolas Cage and wife Riko Shabata are expecting a baby, which he’s expected to also surrender to the IRS for back payment of debt.

The makers of Nintendo racing game Mario Kart said the next installment – Mario Kart 9 – could come as early as this year with “a new twist”. They wouldn’t elaborate further except to say that you can drive a hearse for the first time.

The NFL is exploring contingency plans to move the Super Bowl from California to Texas if Los Angeles imposes further COVID restrictions. Halftime performers Snoop and Dr Dre say they could rap with masks on, with no change in white viewers understanding them.

U.S. airlines cancelled over 1,000 flights for the 12th straight day. Spirit Airlines is putting some cancelled short-flight passengers on Greyhound buses and betting they won’t really know the difference.

Aaron Babbitt – husband of deceased January 6th rioter Ashli Babbitt – said she wouldn’t have died if he was there with her because he would have “picked up on red flags”. Like, for instance, the “stop or I’ll shoot” red flag.

A November letter from imprisoned Subway spokesman Jared Fogle was leaked to the media. Fogle wrote that he works out regularly, and is in the best shape of his life. He signed off by wishing the recipient good luck in her 7th grade Christmas pageant.

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Joe Biden spent the weekend at Camp David, where he played Mario Kart with his granddaughter. He kept his kart behind Princess Peach hoping to get a whiff of her hair.

Sia’s new movie, ‘Music’, was savaged by critics for its irresponsible portrayal of autism. Other writer/directors told Sia they “wouldn’t want to be ya”.

Gen Z declared the crying laughing emoji, skinny jeans, and side-parted hair uncool, and that they make you look old. The opinions are creating both hurt feelings and greater self-awareness for 40-year-old guys hitting on 20-year-olds on Tinder.

Nancy Pelosi is calling for a 9/11-type commission to investigate the January 6th D.C. Riots. Republicans dismissed it, saying Trumpers just wanted to murder Congress, not fly jets into the Capitol Building.

A New York Times essay claims teaching kids to do household chores like ordering takeout and emptying the diswasher can enrich their mental health. They say it works best with pre-teens, and not at all with adult male kids.

Sony was hit with a class action lawsuit over defective Playstation 5 controllers, by the thirty people who have actually been able to get a PS5.

Marriott CEO Arne Sorenson passed away. He’s survived by a wife, four children, and a goddamned ton of reward points.

Meghan Trainor gave birth to a baby boy, Riley. Now she’s all about that bassinet.

British researchers discovered “strange creatures” that survive under a mile of Antarctic ice. The males are really turned on by frigid females.

Adidas is selling the Reebok brand it acquired 15 years ago, saying the 1980s called and wanted it back.

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Former ‘The Bachelorette’ stars Ashley Hebert and J.P. Rosenbaum announced they’re ending their marriage. ABC announced two new spinoff series: ‘The Divorcee’ and ‘The Dimwit’.

Italian Luca Corberi promised to never race in the World Karting Championship series, after crashing and throwing his kart’s bumper on the track at other drivers. His actions violate rules, which only allow throwing banana peels, turtle shells and bombs.

Google will now identify songs if you sing, hum or whistle them. Then it will beg you to stop.

Donald Trump said at his televised town hall that he can’t denounce QAnon, because if he did, it’ll be QPublic.

Chris Christie said he was in the Intensive Care Unit for seven days battling COVID-19. Then, two New Jersey doctors filed a patent for a method allowing patients to inhale cheeseburgers through a ventilator.

A surprising study from the World Health Organization said four drugs have little to no impact fighting severe cases of COVID-19. They are hydroxychloroquine, remdesivir, interferon..and last, but not least, heroin.

Disney expanded its content warning for racism in its library of animated films, adding racist stereotypes “were wrong then and a wrong now”. Then further adding “but we rake in money off of them then, and are raking in money off of them now”.

Alaina Pinto, a real-life Boston-area news anchor, was fired for appearing in a Harley Quinn costume in Netflix/Adam Sandler film ‘Hubie Halloween’. She was then offered work in an upcoming Rob Schneider film, but said she wasn’t that desperate yet.

A passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from Las Vegas to Detroit claims she woke up from a nap to find a man standing and urinating on her. Even more amazing, he was able to do it from a window seat in coach.

A United Airlines executive is still missing two months after mysteriously disappearing from his home in Illinois. “Did you look in his checked baggage?” asked a different United Airlines executive.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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SpaceX rockets are equipped with the same touchscreen software found on Android phones – only it’s called Mario Space Kart.

Nintendo revealed an additional 160,000 Nintendo ID accounts – used for login and payment – were stolen in April. They found out after spotting Bowser wearing a lot of gold chains.

Cities are using public sewer systems to gauge levels of COVID-19 infection. Their measurements are useful to track rises and falls in virus, as well as corn consumption.

The New York Times surveyed epidemiologists and found most won’t attend a live sporting event this year – leading over a dozen Major League Baseball teams to cancel their ever-popular Epidemiology Day.

Race car driver Bubba Wallace wants confederate flags banned from all NASCAR events. Wallace said “no one should feel uncomfortable” at races. “Or sober” said every NASCAR sponsor.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said the coronavirus is his “worst nightmare”. Then he paused and said “second-worst nightmare”.

Facebook is sponsoring a lounge at the Republican National Convention. ‘Going’ – replied thousands of Russians.

Paramount Network cancelled reality tv show Cops. It will be replaced by Protesters.

Cardi B used Instagram to show followers her natural hair – possibly for the first time since her stripper days.

The biggest-growth categories of alcohol sales during the pandemic lockdown were budget-priced beer and hard seltzer – also known as The His & Hers Domestic Dysfunction Kit.

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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President Trump will visit North Carolina to assess the damage from Hurricane Florence; shares of Procter & Gamble – maker of Bounty paper towels – were up in early trading.

Denise Mueller-Korenek broke the world speed record for riding a bicycle at 183.93 miles per hour. She achieved the feat being towed behind a race car, then detaching and operating the pedals herself. Her ride ended when she ran into the opened door of the race car.

North Korea said it would close a key missile test facility and shut down its primary nuclear complex if the United States agrees to corresponding measures. “You got it, Kim!” said Defense Secretary James Mattis with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Brady Bunch actress Maureen McCormick talked to Us Weekly about her battles with drug addiction, saying her Mom & Dad almost had her arrested because it had gotten so bad. They didn’t because McCormick’s future husband gave her an ultimatum to get clean, and because Mom & Dad were busy planning a trip to Hawaii.

In a new book about New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, author Ian O’Connor claims that then-University of Florida coach Urban Meyer warned Belichick not to draft Aaron Hernandez because of his propensity to lie and smoke pot. Hernandez went on to be convicted for murder, leading Meyer to say “oh, that too.”

Identical twin sisters Jalynne April Crawford and Janelle Ann Leopoldo gave birth to sons on the same day at the same hospital. The sisters thanked God, and the hospital’s 2-for-1 c-section Groupon.

Stormy Daniels is releasing a new tell-all book in which she claims that Donald Trump has “a d— that looks like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump has repeatedly denied sticking his Toad into her Mushroom Gorge.

Online gaming platform Steam debuted its first hardcore porn game, an anime visual novel titled ‘Negligee: Love Stories’. The object of the game is to make sexual choices as one of four female characters, and to shut it off as quickly as you can when your mom enters the room.

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day — not to be confused with International Act Like a Pirate Day, when you can murder people and steal their boat.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the 25 Most Expensive Cars to Insure in the U.S. Topping the list? The all-electric Tesla Model S. The Model S has a high collision-repair cost, and a high comprehensive claim rate due to owners pumping gasoline in to the plug.