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Charlotte, a stingray at a North Carolina aquarium, is reportedly expecting a “miracle” birth, since no male stingrays are present in her tank. However, Maury Povich in scuba gear just announced to a tiger shark “you…ARE the father!”

Cunard Cruise Lines’ Queen Victoria reported 154 passengers and crew sick with severe vomiting and diarrhea – overloading Queen Victoria’s thrones.

Amazon Prime Video will air an exclusive NFL playoff game next season, requiring a Prime Video subscription to watch. NFL fans are furious, except for fans of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers, who are saving their energy.

A new study finds a majority of parents talk or text with their adult children several times every week to see how they’re doing, and to see when they’ll get back the money they loaned them.

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly hinting at her retirement from music. This, following the retirement of her vocal cords in 2011.

The Centers For Disease Control plans to drop 5-day COVID isolation guidelines, provided a patient has mild & improving symptoms, is fever-free for 24 hours, or is dead.

A pet cat is being blamed for the first diagnosed case of bubonic plague in a human since 2015. The person is being treated, but the cat is asking for them to be euthanized.

The 49ers/Chiefs Super Bowl drew 123 million viewers – the highest since the Moon Landing. NASA announced plans to resume moon missions with the upcoming launch of Apollo Swift.

A California couple whose gender-reveal pyrotechnics caused a wildfire that killed a firefighter have pleaded guilty to their crimes. At sentencing, the judge popped a large balloon revealing a note reading “It’s One Year In Prison For Involuntary Manslaughter!”

A single-engine plane near Buffalo had its door fly off mid-flight. It landed safely and was welcomed into the Alaska Airlines commuter fleet.

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The New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman claims in her new book about Donald Trump that White House staff would occasionally find documents Trump had flushed down the toilet. Most were birthday & Fathers Day cards from Eric & Don Jr.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that her divorce is about making herself happy, adding that her 40s are about ‘Team Me’.. meaning herself, and Team Me’s 100 makeup, wardrobe and photo artists.

A Los Angeles woman died after falling from the third floor of a parking garage during a lesson for riding her new motorcycle. A family spokesperson said they may take legal action against Kneivel Driving Instructors.

A 70-year-old Italian woman was found dead at her kitchen table, still sitting in the same place where she died an estimated two years earlier. First responders said the pasta was really overcooked.

A Frontier Airlines passenger had to be restrained after falsely claiming a passenger in the row behind him was sticking him with a needle to steal his DNA. A Frontier flight attendant told him that wasn’t possible, because needles aren’t given out until drink service starts.

A Republican candidate for Oregon governor admitted he & his wife were formerly in a partner-swapping Facebook group, making Oregon a swing state.

The Biden Administration is earmarking $5 billion to install electric vehicle chargers at interstate highway rest stops – so drivers can hook up their cars to charge at the same places down-low gay men hook up with each other.

United Kingdom archaeologists found a Roman-era graveyard containing dozens of decapitated skeletons with skulls placed between their legs, in what they’re calling Europe’s first Halloween Spirit pop-up location.

Sportscaster Erin Andrews shared her favorite Tom Brady moment, when the QB threw passes with Andrews’ father at a Montana ranch, and asked Erin to “shag balls” – a duty usually reserved for Gisele Bundchen.

Scientists discovered a new planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun. Even more amazing is they found it with Zillow.

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A new study claims the average household has 21 disagreements every week, many of them over trivial matters such as dishes, room temperature & lighting. Households with guns tend to settle the matters faster.

McDonald’s in the U.K. is offering a Gold VIP Card as a prize in its Monopoly game, entitling the holder to a free meal each week for a year. They debated adding an Organ Donor designation to the cards to acknowledge the inevitable heart failure.

Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos’ launched and landed his Blue Origin rocket after a successful shot into space. Meanwhile, alleged billionaire Donald Trump launched and landed his pitching wedge in a pond after an unsuccessful shot on the 11th Hole.

HGTV star Tarek El Moussa launched an on-set tirade against ex-wife & costar Christina Haack during filming of Flip Or Flop, calling her a “washed-up loser”. El Moussa is diversifying beyond flipping houses, to flipping his lid.

Illinois banned police from lying to minors as part of criminal investigations. They can still lie to adults, though, so cops invite fugitives to come to the station and claim that sports car you won!

Former American Idol finalist Ron Bultongez of Texas surrendered to face charges of having sex with a minor. Bultongez is apparently unhappy that the girl sang to her parents about it.

Britney Spears is reportedly wearing a diamond ring on her left hand, signaling a possible engagement to longtime boyfriend Sam Asghari. Asghari wanted to ask for her father’s permission, but needs 6 lawyers to petition the conservatorship.

United States passports are taking up to 24 weeks to process, with a backlog of over 2 million applications. The delay is ruining the plans of thousands of Americans to contract COVID-19 in a different country.

A wellness retreat in Upstate New York offers one-hour sessions to cuddle with cows, then two-hour sessions after that to deal with the smell.

The Bootleg Wildfire in Oregon is so large, it’s creating its own weather patterns – described by meteorologists as “Warm”.

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The latest winner of the James Dyson Award for innovation converted rotting and expired crops into renewable energy. The runner up converted rotting and expired crops into Taco Bell menu items.

Scientists testing 75 sunscreens found they all contained a cancer-causing chemical: Diet Coke.

Fitbit is introducing snoring & noise detection to its sleep tracking metrics, and will also count the steps once you’re kicked out of bed and walk to the couch.

Bill Cosby was denied parole because he refuses ongoing therapy for sexual predators. That, and he tried putting Tylenol PM in the therapist’s tea.

Some Nest Learning Thermostats are reportedly shutting off air conditioning units after their latest software update. The update, version 6.1.1-2, was code-named “Yeah? Well it’s STILL too damn cold in here.”

An alligator was spotted in the Susquehanna River in northern Pennsylvania. The alligator is described as being 3 to 4 feet long, and extremely lonely.

Studies of Mediterranean ants show the worker ants will carry their queen to far-away nests to mate, as a way of avoiding inbreeding. Conversely, Mississippi ants are fine with inbreeding, since the kids are only going to do manual labor anyway.

Kroger will give away $5 million to people getting COVID-19 vaccinations at their stores. The winners funds will be loaded on to a shoppers club card that’s paired with the microchip in the vaccine.

The COVID-19 virus variant originally found in India has been identified in Oregon. The Indian buffet also offers five other variants.

Kim Kardashian blamed flunking the ‘baby bar’ exam on COVID-19 – which, coincidentally, was her score on the 800-point test.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.

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McDonald’s is bringing back Spicy McNuggets, after the FDA found they kill the coronavirus on customer’s unwashed hands.

Most U.S. states have reported cases of the U.K. coronavirus variant. People with the virus feel terrible, except for 3 to 4pm when the virus breaks for tea.

Messaging platform Discord shut down the WallStreetBets server, where individual investors had rallied to counter hedge fund positions in GameStop stock. Since 98% of the group was already on an Incel [Involuntarily Celibate] group server, it wasn’t a big deal.

Spacewalking astronauts attempted to fix a European science platform outside the International Space Station. One European astronaut died when he lifted his facemask after stepping outside to smoke.

A new study claims reflected light from the full moon changes people’s sleep patterns without their realizing it. It also changes sleep patterns of people who do realize it as they run from werewolves.

Apple is reportedly testing a virtual reality headset, that you can wear to imagine being someone who has $1,200 to spend on an iPhone.

Facebook’s Independent Oversight Board met for the first time, overturning several decisions to remove posts, including some involving adult nudity. So, see for yourself if you think Stormy Daniels accurately described Donald Trump’s hog.

Students at Liberty High in Florida – where school resource officer Ethan Fournier was recorded body-slamming a female student – want Fournier fired. The Chemistry Club has also cancelled Fournier’s order for tear gas.

COVID-sniffing dogs checked arriving fans at a Miami Heat game for the first time. Things went smoothly, but the dogs were shocked that Snausages cost $9 each.

People stranded in a snowstorm in Oregon while returning from a COVID vaccine clinic used leftover vaccines to innoculate other stranded motorists. Oregon officials told impatient seniors not to drive their cars into snow drifts to speed things up.

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An Oregon court ruled against a dog owner in a nuisance barking case, and ordered the owner to have the dog’s vocal cords surgically removed. The owner plans to appeal the ruling by Judge Mittens.

LEGO will cut 1,400 workers due to declining sales. The cuts are expected to come from Hardhat Guys, some of whom will enter retraining in hope of finding new jobs in Star Wars playsets.

76% of respondents to a U.S. Bank survey say that if they carry cash, they keep less than $50 on them. The remaining 24% actually go on dates.

Video game maker Nintendo has updated the profile of its iconic character Mario, saying that he’s no longer a plumber. The statement was verified by Mario’s former union, who revoked his certification after multiple reports of his wearing a raccoon suit and killing turtles while on the job.

Elon Musk predicted World War III will result from advances in Artificial Intelligence, but added that as long as Trump is president, the U.S. should have nothing to worry about.

A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences concludes that female-named hurricanes are deadlier than male-named hurricanes – saying female hurricanes know where they’re going, and male hurricanes are reluctant to get directions.

Vladimir Putin said that North Koreans would rather “eat grass” than give up their nuclear weapons. North Koreans replied that if sanctions were lifted and they could get ranch dressing for the grass, they’d think about a deal.

Following President Trump’s decision to wind down DACA and target immigrant “dreamers”, the President of the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce resigned from Trump’s Diversity Council — effectively making it the Bunch of Diverse White Guys Council.

A South Carolina couple, claiming that they suffered damage to their vision after using eclipse glasses purchased from Amazon, is suing the retailer. The suit named the Sun and Moon as co-defendants.

The NBA’s Houston Rockets were sold for a record $2.2 Billion to restaurateur Tillman Fertitta. Fertitta said he was honored to be the team’s owner and looks forward to sitting courtside just as soon as he can save up more money to buy the seats.

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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen told Cosmopolitan that she thinks she’s been drinking too much and wants to ‘fix’ her drinking habit. She made the determination when her breast-feeding 1 year-old daughter drove her tricycle into a tree and was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

President Trump addressed the nation on Monday, saying he was sending 4,000 additional troops to Afghanistan – just as soon as work is completed on the new 4,000-room Trump Tower Kabul.

A spokesperson for skier Lindsey Vonn said that the leaked nude photos of Vonn and ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods are a “despicable invasion of privacy.” Woods was just happy to show off his six iron.

A British Airways passenger was forced to sit on a urine-soaked seat for the duration of an 11-hour flight from London to Cape Town. “Me too” said the infant who rode in the seat on the prior flight.

Snack bar company KIND dumped 45,000 pounds of sugar in Times Square to make a statement about child sugar intake and obesity – and in the process helping out dozens of bee families, hungry from a day of sightseeing in New York.

Six Flags Amusement Parks will no longer display Confederate flags. Instead they will fly six American flags at half-mast to honor park visitors who have been thrown off of their roller coasters.

German police arrested two men on drug trafficking charges, and confiscated thousands of orange ecstasy pills made in the shape of Donald Trump’s head. The dealers admitted they chose Trump’s head to let buyers know that they’d be happier but way, way stupider.

McDonald’s announced that they were cancelling franchise agreements with 139 of their restaurants in India. Since McDonald’s in India won’t sell beef or pork, you can pretty much figure out that the fries must have really sucked.

Reshma Saujani, the CEO of non-profit Girls Who Code, told CNN that women create businesses to solve problems, whereas men create companies to “replace their mothers”. The statement was promptly condemned by the Founder/CEOs of Merry Maids and Jersey Mike’s Sandwiches.

The State of Oregon, which had promised free community college tuition for all new students, doesn’t have the money and will have to turn some students away. The state’s Secretary of Education will take a gap year to figure out what to do with his life.

 

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Tourists were stranded on the Greek island of Zante for two days due to a travel curfew imposed while endangered Loggerhead turtles were mating. The delay could have been shortened, but the turtles had trouble finishing with so many angry tourists watching.

The National Football League is considering relaxing its rules on marijuana use, to see if it may help players with pain management. Coaches object, worried their players will fall in with a bad crowd and stop studying.

President Trump introduced a proposed new immigration policy, aimed to prioritize entry to the U.S. for those who speak English and who are financially secure. He predicts the policy will attract many, many more well-spoken, affluent terrorists.

Trump was contradicted by Boy Scouts of America officials after Trump had bragged that he’d heard from the Scouts about his Jamboree speech, complimenting it as one of the best they’d ever heard. The Scouts said they never called, but Trump doubled down, saying the caller was “Timmy something.”

A Sports Illustrated profile on Trump had the President quoted as saying he spends so much time at his golf resorts because The White House is a ‘real dump’. A profile of Melania quotes her as saying she spends so much time away from her husband because he’s a ‘real dumpster’.

A recent wave of violent crime has threatened tourism in Cancun Mexico. Local officials said that tourists who remain at their resort destinations should be just fine, with the possible exception of Sandals El Chapo.

Police seized 5 pounds of methamphetamine from two men at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Australia. McDonald’s was forced to suspend sales of its special limited-time Quarter Pounder with Crank.

District of Columbia has joined Oregon in offering gender-neutral drivers licenses. Officers there have been trained to ask “Do you know why I pulled you over, ..person?”

Iowa’s Department of Alcoholic Beverages has warned against serving Moscow Mules in the traditional copper mug, because drinks with a pH below 6.0 can create a toxic interaction with the copper, and because in Iowa the drinks are served with bits of real mule.

Apple has accumulated record cash holdings of almost $260 Billion, leading to speculation that it may buy Disney Corporation, or at least pimp out Minnie & Mickey.

  • The company’s enormous cash position was announced by CEO Tim Cook at Apple’s quarterly Money Bonfire.