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A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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Philadelphia International Airport held a pep rally to welcome WrestleMania to the city – both the weekend-long WWE event, and arriving Spirit Airlines flights where drunk passengers grappled with flight attendants.

The man who received a kidney transplant from a pig was released from the hospital and went home, but not before stopping to meet with, and thank, the family of the donor pig that fatally crashed its car.

Research shows people who took a multivitamin for 3 years slowed cognitive brain aging by 2 years. The study found 7-year-olds with three years of Flintstones chewables consumpion had the brains of 5-year-olds.

A bird flu outbreak in Texas resulted in egg producers having to kill 2 million egg-producing chickens. It’s the first time pro-life activists have protested outside of poultry farms.

Some scientists are warning bird flu could be worse than COVID. Although they’re also working on an mRNA vaccine containing the flu which wouldn’t be administered with a needle, but rather by eating McNuggets.

Costco is now selling popular drugs Wegovy and Ozempic as part of a store-sponsored weight-loss program. Although they’re not selling well because they’re only available by the pallet and cost $75,000.

A friend of Tiger Woods claims he’s abstaining from sex while training for The Masters. However, he’s narrowed the field down to 64 restaurant hostesses to be first in line once he misses the cut on Friday night.

Some parts of the U.S. could see cloudy skies during next week’s total solar eclipse, prompting attack ads from the Trump campaign.

The U.S. reportedly authorized more bombs for Israel, as Pauly Shore announced six April shows in Tel Aviv.

Alaska Airlines says Boeing paid the company $160 million as compensation for the required grounding of Boeing’s 737 Max 9 jets. Boeing said they wanted to provide a sum that, like their jets, blew Alaska Airlines doors off.

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Barron Trump turned 18. As he opened birthday cards, representatives from Jean Carroll & the New York State Attorney General’s office were on hand to seize the money.

Chips Ahoy announced they’re upgrading the chips, to make them even closer to actual chocolate.

Deloitte’s Digital Trends Survey claims the average American household spends $61 monthly on 4 streaming services, and $79 on internet service to buffer all of them.

A man snapped a photo of a passenger’s boarding pass and illegally boarded a Delta Airlines flight, but was caught hiding in the lavatory before takeoff. He was removed and arrested, and Delta assigned a different standby passenger to the toilet seat.

Taking calcium & vitamin D together may lower the risk of cancer, but raise the risk of heart disease, according to new research published in medical journal ‘Damned If You Do; Damned If You Don’t.’

New video shows January 6th rioters working before dawn to construct a gallows and noose near the Capitol to hang Mike Pence. Those involved face charges of insurrection, terroristic threats, and failure to secure a building permit.

A pig kidney was transplanted to a human recipient for the first time – raising questions about how the pig signed up for the National Organ Donor Registry.

Paroled Ronald Reagan assassin John Hinckley, Jr. says ‘cancel culture’ is hurting his music career after a venue postponed his planned show on the 43rd anniversary of the shooting. The venue said customers weren’t in favor of the show, and Hinckley’s KC & the Sunshine Band covers aren’t that great anyway.

A woman’s Planet Fitness membership was revoked for taking a photo of a person who identifed as queer shaving their face in the womens locker room. Others took note and started snapping locker room pics since it’s the fastest way to cancel their membership.

The latest dangerous viral trend is teenagers snorting nutmeg. Apparently it gives a brief minutes-long high, with the added benefit of their farts smelling like Thanksgiving desserts.

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U.S. surgeons successfully transplanted a pig kidney to a human patient for the first time. However, the human patient is brain dead, so he’ll never get a chance to thank the pig.

Human remains were found near the belongings of Brian Laundrie in a Florida nature preserve. The remains were located next to a family of alligators looking at the dessert tray.

Donald Trump launched a new social media app ‘Truth Social’. Although they’re considering changing the name to ‘Facebook’ once that name is let go by the current owners.

Five veterans have resigned from embattled Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema’s advisory board. Although Sinema’s representative said she asked them to leave because they don’t know how to send bribes in Venmo.

NASA built a working electric motorcycle for moon exploration. Unfortunately violent gang Moon’s Angels already claimed the Sea of Tranquility as their turf.

LEGO issued the long-awaited ‘Home Alone‘ playset, then promptly recalled it after dozens of children suffered severe burns and puncture wounds.

‘The Sopranos’ creator David Chase is reportedly in discussions with HBO Max on a prequel series, where the lovable gang learns how to mix & pour concrete and use guns.

A tiny crab found preserved in 100-million-year-old amber lived among dinosaurs, and is believed to be responsible for annoying tyrannosaurus jock itch.

Female lawyers and judges in Afghanistan are reportedly in constant fear under the new regime. “The whole TRIAL is out of ORDER!!” said Taliban Pacino Esq.

Netflix CEO Ted Sarandos finally admitted that he “screwed up” – referring to his recent decision to air Rob Schneider’s stand-up special.