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A new study concludes men are generally better than women at navigating & directions. Men would like to know why but refuse to ask.

A traveler at JFK Airport was arrested for smuggling cocaine in bags of jumbo shrimp. He chose the shrimp because it was easier than trying to hide the cocaine in cocktail sauce.

A man was arrested for attempting to break in to Taylor Swift’s New York City townhouse. He was carrying burglar tools and a Kansas City Chiefs schedule.

A Florida grandmother was arrested in mid-December for her role in a murder-for-hire of her ex son-in-law. She’s charged with murder, and her grandkids assume at this point they aren’t getting those Christmas checks.

Ron DeSantis withdrew from seeking the GOP Presidential nomination. He said he was unsure of his future plans, before being reminded that he’s still Governor of Florida.

A top dentist revealed the real problems with Kanye West’s new titanium teeth – a high risk of gum infections, and setting off the alarm at airport security.

Plastic surgeon Dr. Terry Dubrow of E! Network’s ‘Botched‘ said he quit using Ozempic because it took away the “joy of eating” – leaving him with nothing but the joy of fixing several women’s boobs every day.

A large sinkhole opened up in Delran, New Jersey, measuring 25 x 25 feet wide and 15 feet deep. Roads will be closed until local crime bosses fill it with snitches.

Former Vice President Al Gore turned 75, and will leave Apple’s Board of Directors because of the company’s age-based restrictions. At 75, he’s now too old to be on the Board, and 60-65 years too old to build iPhones.

A United Airlines flight from Edinburgh, Scotland to Newark, New Jersey was cancelled because the pilot was arrested for having a taser in his carry-on bag. The pilot said he only planned to use the taser if someone tried to steal his vodka.

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Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

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A new study finds heated car seats can lower male fertility by killing sperm. Female fertility could also be lowered due to fried eggs.

Eight suspicious U.S. citizens’ deaths in Colombia are linked to dating apps. Police are specifically targeting dating app Plenty Of Drug Mules.

Two UK men used gay dating app Grindr to set up dates with men and rob them – making them literal butt pirates.

Sotheby’s is auctioning a suit worn by Nicole Kidman in her corny 2021 ads urging people to return to the ‘magic’ of AMC Theaters – just as soon as they get the imitation butter-flavored topping stains out of it.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime makeup artist died. He was fondly remembered by most, while other accused him of doing blackface.

Fox Network is bringing back true crime series ‘America’s Most Wanted‘. The first 13 episodes are just trying to round up more January 6th guys.

Paroled mob boss and 19-time murderer Sammy ‘the Bull’ Gravano said Donald Trump is ‘incorruptible’. Russian President and murderer Vladimir Putin said he isn’t so sure.

The wife of Milli Vanilli’s Fabrice Morvan filed for divorce. His lawyer will do the singing for him.

Bobi, who was posthumously named ‘Oldest Dog Ever’ at age 31 by the Guinness Book of Records, had its record rescinded while recordkeepers investigate. Meanwhile, the world’s Second Oldest Dog Ever is currently being told about the great farm he’s going to.

The Miami Dolphins/Kansas City Chiefs NFL playoff game aired exclusively on Peacock was the most-streamed live event in history with 23 million viewers. The next day, Peacock broke a different record with 22 million cancellations.

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Donald Trump is rumored to have lost weight using diabetes drugs like Ozempic or Mounjaro. However, Trump’s doctor said he “has reduced his weight through an improved diet and continued daily physical activity.” Then firefighters were called to the doctor’s office to extinguish his pants.

A U.S. Postal Service letter carrier in Philadelphia was robbed at gunpoint by a man demanding the keys for mailboxes. The robber took the keys and finished his route in half the time.

The state of California is concerned that LA Dodgers superstar Shohei Ohtani is dodging taxes by deferring $680 million of his record-breaking contract. Ohtani is also concerned that he has a structured settlement but he needs cash now.

Cosmopolitan magazine released a special ‘Sex After 60’ issue. It contains 50 pages of ads, and is 53 pages total.

Child researchers say screen time for children younger than two years old could lead to sensory development issues and learning disabilities. The problem is particularly bad for babies sitting in their grandparents lap while they watch Fox News.

A viral TikTok video features a woman claiming to use LinkedIn as a dating app. Then after the dates she endorses the men for skills like Orgasm Management.

NBA star Ja Morant of the Memphis Grizzlies – who’d been suspended for social media videos waving a handgun – will miss the remainder of the season with a shoulder injury. Both the suspension and injury left Morant unable to shoot.

Lawyers for Donald Trump in his presidential immunity hearing offered a “qualified yes” when asked if a president is immune from prosecution for ordering Navy SEALs to kill a rival candidate. Trump explained Joe Biden is President of Al Qaeda.

The World Economic Forum shared their 10-year outlook, saying the world could suffer catastrophic consequences in the next decade, citing climate change, artificial intelligence, and the reintroduction of the Double Big Mac.

Armed men stormed a TV station in Ecuador during a live broadcast and took several station workers hostage, amidst the nation’s battle with drug gangs. Concerned viewers were frightened, but also frustrated at having to wait until the 11 O’Clock News to find out what happened.

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Actor Russell Crowe claims he’s related to the last man to be executed by beheading in England. This would make Crowe the first person to actually have an interesting story based on their Ancestry.com results.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT reportedly will tell jokes mocking Jews and Christians, but not Muslims. ChatGPT claims it’s because you never see Muslims walking in to a bar with Jews and Christians.

GOP Presidential hopeful Chris Christie aired a new ad admitting to a mistake in 2016 – endorsing Donald Trump for President. He shot a second ad admitting to another mistake that year – paying the $50 entry fee for an Ironman Triathlon.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner married Theresa Nist, who he proposed to on the show. Then they danced at a reception where guests included many other Golden Bachelorettes, and where the centerpiece at each table was a defibrillator.

Verizon agreed to a $100 million settlement in a class-action lawsuit for overcharging customers with deceptive fees. “Can you pay me now?” said claimants.

The U.S. economy added 216,000 jobs in December. According to the Labor Department, January layoffs will not affect employment numbers since impacted elves work outside the country.

A Florida man sued Dunkin’, saying he was injured after a toilet he’d used at their coffee shop exploded. Dunkin’ has yet to respond, but has asked Taco Bell & Arby’s for their lawyers phone numbers.

A group calling itself the Disney Day Drinkers Club – who meet regularly at EPCOT to drink at the Rose & Crown Pub there – is angry at Disney for moving a trash bin outside of the pub that they’ve claimed as a mascot. They say they now have to walk through several different country pavilions to find a suitable place to vomit.

Tesla recalled 1.6 million vehicles in China to “reduce the risk of collisions”. Every other auto maker in China wishes them luck, but tells Tesla it might not be the car’s fault.

A viral video shows a Disneyland Tokyo worker dressed as Eeyore calming visitors during a recent earthquake….hile the worker dressed as Tigger bounced the f*** out of there as fast as he could.

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Only 60% of student loan borrowers made payments once they were resumed in October, according to students borrowers asking their parents if they made the payment.

Brazilian model Caroline Werner slammed the country’s legal system after she was arrested and handcuffed for walking her dogs while topless on a local beach. Men on the beach defended Werner, saying they’re always happy to see those puppies.

Pennsylvania is considering a bill mandating active-shooter panic alarms in schools – providing kids hoping to cancel tests witb a second option after the fire alarm.

Uber introduced a new service returning gifts for customers. Drivers are currently learning how to sexually harass sweaters and small appliances.

A bird strike forced the emergency landing of a Southwest Airlines flight. Taking a cue from Southwest, the bird cancelled all of its remaining flights that day.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert announced she won’t run for reelection in the third Congressional district where she lives, but will run in the state’s fourth district. She considered abandoning Colorado altogether, but found out OnlyFans customers don’t get their own Congressman.

Donald Trump issued an angry social media post refuting an accusation that he “bullied” his way to a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. He then reiterated his claim that the Wet Bandits stole votes in battleground states.

University of Wisconsin LaCrosse fired Chancellor Joe Gow after discovering he & his wife made & distributed porn videos on adult websites. However, he retains his title as Professor Emeritus of Enterpreneurship & Poundin’ It.

A woman sued her dentist, after alleging he performed 4 root canals, 8 crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit. On the bright side, she met her deductible payment for 2023.

Author Emma Flint faces criticism for defining herself as “abrosexual” – someone whose sexual identity fluctuates and changes. Flint’s supporters include many convicted felons, who say their own sexual identity changed after they went to prison.

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A kangaroo that escaped while being transferred between zoos was captured in Canada, but punched a cop in the face while being apprehended. He was later hailed as a hero by other wrongly jailed kangaroos.

Godzilla Minus One, a Japanese-language monster movie, opened strongly at the U.S. box office. A sequel is reportedly in the works, Godzilla Plus One, where Godzilla brings a date to a family wedding.

Comic Relief US held their inaugural gala in New York City with a focus on reducing intergenerational poverty. Famous comics performed, then gave the money to broke comics that nobody’s heard of.

A New York Times investigation reported some air traffic controllers are drunk and sleeping on the job. This concerned Spirit Airlines pilots, who say they rely on sober guidance when landing their aircraft after five gin & tonics and a nap.

Missouri police pursued a suspected drunk driver while he towed a mobile home. He was apprehended after the pursuit, and was the state’s first DUI perpetrator to fail a field sobriety test in his bedroom.

A tanker carrying propane exploded in Vermont. Several alarms were issued, with multiple fire departments responding to create a pop-up chicken barbecue.

Victor Rocha, a career diplomat and former U.S. Ambassador to Bolivia, was arrested by the FBI and charged with serving as a spy for Cuba for decades. He was jailed and given a framed certificate for 40 years of government service.

Brenda Lee’s Rockin Around The Christmas Tree, recorded in 1958, became the oldest song to hit Number One on the Billboard Hot 100. Her success was noticed by Cardi B., who offered to duet with the 78-year-old Lee on her follow-up single, DAP.

Oxford University Press named ‘rizz’ its 2023 Word Of The Year. Rizz is short for charisma, can be used as either a noun or verb, and is destined to piss off someone who loses in Scrabble because of it.

Gino Hangenkotter remains on the run, the fourth escapee from a Philadelphia prison this year. The reward for information leading to his capture was increased to $2,000, and the reward for guards at the prison was increased to $13.75/hour.

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McDonald’s is making process changes to ensure its burgers are more juicy. Fewer burger patties will be cooked at once, and kitchen workers will each get water bottles to make sure they have plenty of spit.

Sandra Day O’Connor, the first woman on the Supreme Court, has died. Donald Trump swiftly nominated a conservative woman to take her spot in the nursing home.

Theresa Nist, the now-fiancee of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, was seen returning items to a HomeGoods store in her home state of New Jersey. “I don’t think you bought this here” said the clerk as Nist slid an unopened vibrator across the counter.

A blind golden mole that burrows through sand and was declared extinct over 87 years ago has been rediscovered in South Africa. Wildlife experts are amazed the blind mole was able to find sex on the beach.

A missing Botticelli painting valued at $109 million was found at a home in southern Italy. It was recovered when the owner tried selling it to buy plastic covers for her new furniture.

Tesla delivered its first Cybertruck off the assembly line, four years after it was announced. It has a starting price of $60,990, or $61,500 if you want electric Cybertrucknutz.

Democrats in Congress are pushing for a federal holiday honoring Rosa Parks on the anniversary of her arrest – while Republicans are pushing it to the back of the agenda.

A California father was arrested for allegedly helping his 16-year-old daughter sell her nude photos online. He’s being held on $4 million bail, and until further notice, their Etsy store is closed.

A 46-year-old male hospital security guard accused of sexually violating a 79-year-old female corpse claims he had a medical episode and fell on the body…and that the family requested she be buried in black lingerie.

Jung Yoo-jung, a 23-year-old Korean woman, was sentenced to life in prison for murdering and dismembering a female tutor she met online because she was obsessed with ‘true crime’ and murder. Before sentencing Jung was notified that she aced her English test.