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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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Officials in Delaware report more cases of Vibrio vulnificus – a flesh-eating bacteria infecting those with open cuts swimming or wading at beaches. Officials say the problem is biggest in Delaware because bacteria there like to eat when they’re bored.

Nintendo will launch its newest mobile phone & tablet game, Dr. Mario World, on July 10th. They say revenue will come from in-game purchases and that, like many others, Dr. Mario will not accept new patients with Obamacare.

Federal agents seized 16 tons of cocaine at a shipping port in Philadelphia. There was so much, they asked Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to help move it – resulting in all evidence being lost or destroyed. C

The latest dating trend is “cookie jarring” – keeping a non-serious backup romance in a ‘cookie jar’ as a fallback while you pursue a first choice. Women especially dislike being kept in the cookie jar – while men are fine with it, provided the cookies come with sex.

Retired baseball star & convicted felon Lenny Dykstra was dumpster diving outside a Jersey Mike’s sub shop because he left his dentures in a napkin that the restaurant threw out. He was joined by other Jersey Mike’s customers looking for their lost self-respect.

Google announced a commitment to invest $1 billion in Bay Area, California to help build 15,000 new homes for low-to-medium income residents – so, anyone who only makes a half-million dollars a year.

Viral video captured the moment a flight attendant was slammed into the ceiling of a jet during severe turbulence en route from Kosovo to Switzerland. The flight attendant is said to be okay, while the passenger shooting the video still wants his damn Diet Coke.

Coca-Cola is holding a contest for the public to come up with its next flavor. The early frontrunner is Original Cocaine flavor, because they already have the recipe.

Brett Favre was trending on Twitter as rumors circulated about his coming out of retirement. He said he’s staying retired, but wanted everyone to know that he came up with the whole ‘show your penis to massage therapists’ thing long before Robert Kraft.

MTV announced the cancellation after one season of “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club”, and that the Mykonos, Greece nightclub location for the show is closed. VH1 announced the premiere date for their new show, “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Is Closed”.

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New York City police seized 46 ice cream trucks for $4 million in unpaid tickets accumulated over 10 years. Owners will fight the charges, and Mister Softee was freed on $250,000 bail.

California lawmakers want to remove single-use plastic toiletry bottles from hotel rooms. Shampoo & conditioner will be placed in shower dispensers; to get hand lotion, men will need to bring their own or make an embarrassing purchase in the hotel gift shop.

April the Giraffe – mother of five calves at Animal Adventure in Upstate New York – is going on birth control, after a third zoo worker nearly died trying to put a condom on her boyfriend.

To prevent President Trump’s threatened tariffs on exports, Mexico offered to send its National Guard to the U.S. border, to make sure nobody enters the U.S. illegally without carrying drugs.

Doctors in New York removing a brain tumor from a 42-year-old woman ended up extracting a tapeworm. The parasitic worm was found to have consumed a lot of recipes and memories of Real Housewives episodes.

Michael Dougherty, director of ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ said in an interview that any movie would be made better by Godzilla showing up 20 minutes in – drawing unanimous agreement from anyone who’s watched ‘Sex And The City’ films.

The New England Patriots gave out their largest-ever Super Bowl rings at a private party at Robert Kraft’s house – although Kraft asked two guests from Orchids of Asia Day Spa to remove theirs before the evening’s entertainment started.

New smartphones from banned Chinese manufacturer Huawei will ship without Facebook, Instagram or WhatsApp. Huawei execs reassured concerned buyers that they’ll still find a way to harvest & sell personal data.

A Washington Post report claims Walmart workers in stores using robots feel undervalued performing tasks like cleaning & inventory delegated by the machines.  Walmart is reprogramming the robots to be more likable, teaching them to vape & make sexual remarks about coworkers.

2006 QV89, an asteroid wider than a football field, could hit Earth this year. Thousands of amateur astronomers are frantically giving it directions to the White House and Mar-a-Lago.

 

 

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A 70-year-old Oklahoma man was arrested in Arizona, driving in his underwear with his dead wife’s nude body in the passenger seat. The man said his wife died overnight at a hotel, but he decided to continue with their trip so he could use carpool lanes.

Alabama lawmakers passed a near-total ban on abortions, frustrating women’s reproductive rights advocates while boosting Florida tourism for pregnant Alabama teens looking for a long weekend.

Uber is offering ‘Quiet Mode’ for premium rides like Uber Black, where you can request that the driver not speak to you, thereby allowing women passengers to decide if they’d rather be creeped out by conversation or silence.

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the number of children born in the U.S. dropped to its lowest level in 32 years – coinciding with a rise in the number of people saying they were Satisfied or Very Satisfied with their U.S. airline flight.

Claude Monet’s ‘Haystacks’ sold for $110.7 million at auction, setting a record for an impressionist work. The buyer was unidentified, but is rumored to be saving up for a new matching couch.

Roger Daltrey yelled at pot smokers near the stage at The Who’s Madison Square Garden show, saying he’s allergic to it and that it ruins his singing voice. The fans apologized and quickly switched to smoking meth.

Shooting on the 25th James Bond film was temporarily halted when star Daniel Craig’s ankle was sprained, not stirred.

Former NBA star Lamar Odom has a new memoir, admitting to cheating on ex-wife Khloe Kardashian, writing, “I couldn’t keep my d*ck in my pants or the coke out of my nose”. Co-author Chris Palmer is credited with help bringing this eloquent prose to the page.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers continue to argue against public release of Kraft’s massage parlor video, saying it will limit his right to a fair trial, and is already limiting his ability to hire massage therapists for the New England Patriots.

New lawsuits are threatening to disrupt the standard 6% commission structure for licensed realtors. Lawyers for the National Association of Realtors responded to the suits with arguments printed on magnets that the judges can put on their refrigerators.

 

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“Nobody disobeys my orders.” said President Trump, unironically, as the Easter Bunny showed up a day late for a children’s egg-rolling party Monday at the White House.

The TSA is being criticized for airport scanners giving ‘false positive’ responses to black women’s hair, forcing TSA agents to perform hand searches of afros, braids & twists. Separately, Homeland Security has stepped up efforts to thwart explosive devices packed with Jheri Curl activator.

An East St. Louis police officer pulled over a 22-year-old driver who was late for a job interview at FedEx. Instead of issuing tickets, the officer gave him a ride to his interview. The young man got the job, and the cop agreed to meet him later to beat him.

CNN aired a five-hour Democratic Presidential Candidate Town Hall session featuring five candidates: Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Bernie Sanders & Pete Buttigieg. The town hall was filled up with the remaining dozens of Democratic presidential candidates.

A USA Today investigation revealed multiple patients died at discount plastic surgery clinics in Florida operated by convicted felons. Worse, the failed Brazilian Butt Lifts they received required them to get taller caskets.

Disneyland is limiting opening day visits to the new Star Wars: Galaxy’s Edge exhibits to four hours —  unless, of course, you Force them to let you stay longer.

300 teens were involved in a massive brawl at the Camp Snoopy section at Worlds Of Fun theme park in Kansas City, Missouri. Police officers were unable to make arrests until the dust settled once a fist-swinging Pigpen was handcuffed.

You’ll be able to return Amazon packages to any Kohl’s store starting in July. For the next two months, experienced Amazon workers will be training Kohl’s employees how to deactivate their large intestine and urinate in bottles.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft claim Florida police have already leaked the video of Kraft receiving sex acts at a massage parlor, adding that Robert Kraft Leaks is also the title of the video.

A 1,500-year-old chunk of fossilized human poop unearthed in Texas contains evidence that a hunter-gatherer consumed an entire rattlesnake, fangs included. Next to it, they found a note chiseled on a rock suggesting they try something different for dinner tomorrow.

 

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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The centuries-old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris suffered extensive damage in a massive fire. The Catholic Church said they’ll rebuild while conceding it’ll be a lot tougher than 850 years ago finding slaves to do the work.

  • President Trump tweeted during the blaze that Parisian firefighters should consider flying water tankers to extinguish it. That plan was never enacted due to the potential collateral damage soaking nearby bakeries & pastry shops.
  • Students from Leonia High School in New Jersey were at the historic cathedral just minutes before the fire. After the fire started, they said it reminded them of home.

An Israeli man on a fundraising tour through Orthodox Jewish communities in U.S. cities infected 39 different people with the measles. The man has been hospitalized and is receiving the largest chicken soup infusion ever.

Google researched employees to find what its best teams do to stay happy. They found 3 things: Allowing mindless chatter; switching times of recurring meetings; & active listening. A fourth thing, rolling in piles of money from selling Google stock, was common to all teams, not just the best ones.

Senator Bernie Sanders appeared in a Fox News ‘Town Hall’ meeting in his home state of Vermont. Sanders was cheered by the crowd when he discussed his ‘Medicaid For All’ plan, then was cheered louder when discussing anything related to maple syrup.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson became the highest-paid player in NFL history, signing a contract paying $140 million over the next four years. His salary averages out to $35 million per season, or just over $2 million per concussion.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft appeared in a Florida courtroom, saying the police report that describes spa employees “manipulating Kraft’s penis” is so graphic that releasing video is unnecessary. The video has been requested by news agencies, and by other massage parlors for new-hire orientation training.

An Australian couple stranded 26 hours in crocodile-infested waters was rescued after etching “HELP” in mud that could be seen from the air. Rescuers persisted, even after the crocodiles had etched “NEVERMIND” in the mud below the original note.

Leaked clips of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ circulated on social media, angering superfans who don’t want to know that Captain America dies breaking up a catfight between Black Widow and Captain Marvel.

A Florida man was arrested for using a squirt gun to shoot his urine at a woman walking her dog past his home. He admitted to police that the gun contained his urine, but later denied it when attempting to return the gun to Five Below.

  • “Sure, why not?” was the reply when a reporter asked an NRA spokesman if they supported his actions.

Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to felony charges of mail fraud and money laundering in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Through attorneys, they look forward to the last two minutes of a fair trial where everyone has learned a valuable lesson.

 

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CVS Pharmacy launched same-day prescription delivery. It works pretty well the first day, but then the day after you get lots of questions, say oxy addicts.

The third person in as many weeks fell to their death in the Grand Canyon. The last words he heard were his family yelling “I told you we should have gone to Disneyland.”

Mick Jagger underwent surgery to replace a heart valve, after postponing the Rolling Stones tour and telling his cardiologist “I can’t get no circulation”.

Snapchat added in-app games. Users can now play puzzle, adventure and shooting games using photos of their genitals.

The Mormon Church will now allow same-sex couples to baptize their children, saying that just because their parents are gay doesn’t mean the kids shouldn’t grow up to be religious kooks.

Robert Kraft’s lawyers claim a fake bomb threat was used to install video cameras in the Orchids of Asia massage parlor, with Jupiter Police citing a “suspicious package”. By ‘suspicious package’, the spa owner thought they meant an uncircumcised guy.

Amazon lowered prices at Whole Foods, saying Prime Members aren’t spending enough money there. They say if price cuts don’t work, they may change the store’s name to Junk Foods.

Microsoft changed its Windows 10 upgrade policy. Instead of forcing upgrades, it will now allow users to decide when to crash their PCs with the latest version.

President Trump said he’s giving Mexico one year to reduce drug trafficking into the U.S. or else he’ll close the border. If he doesn’t see improvement, he’s also taking away their video games.

Actress Charlize Theron said that she’s been single for ten years, adding “somebody needs to grow a pair and step up”. She’s since been asked out by several lesbians who augmented their breasts.

 

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Caroline Spiegel, sister of Snapchat founder Evan Spiegel, is starting a ‘no-visuals porn site for women.’ The site, named Quinn, will deliver erotic stories via text and audio. They’re planning to offer subscribers submersible cases for when you drop your iPhone in the tub.

California startup Lightning introduced the Strike – an electric motorcycle starting at $13,000, with a 70-mile range and a top speed of 150mph. It’s already been named the Official Bike of The World’s Least Scary Motorcycle Gang.

The mother of a Notre Dame student wrote an op-ed to the student newspaper after seeing female students wearing tight leggings to church, saying “you couldn’t help but see those blackly naked rear ends”. Notre Dame women organized Legging Day, where thousands wore leggings to class. Men of Notre Dame thanked the mom for writing.

Colorado Senator Michael Bennet told MSNBC that he’s “very inclined” to run for the Democratic nomination for president in 2020 — thus ensuring that Democratic primary debates will have more participants than viewers.

Attorney General William Barr plans to send the full 300-page Mueller Report to the White House before Congress sees it, so that they can redact ‘privileged information’. The White House will then issue a revised document titled ‘What Mueller Report?’

UFC fighter and epic scumbag Conor McGregor announced his retirement, coinciding with his being named in an assault investigation in Ireland. UFC President Dana White hasn’t given up and asked the alleged victim about staging a rematch.

Nicolas Cage filed to annul the Las Vegas marriage to his fourth wife, Erika Koike, just four days after they wed. Cage said they grew apart during the four days, while he shot two straight-to-video action movies.

A Virginia woman was arrested for embezzling $95,000 to pay for her upcoming wedding and a ‘butt lift’ procedure at a Miami clinic. “Nice ass!” said both her fiancee and her cellmate.

NFL owners approved instant replay review for coaches’ challenges of pass interference calls. It’s unclear how Patriots owner Robert Kraft voted, although he commented that he’s not crazy about expanded use of video these days.

Google pulled an anti-LGBT ‘conversion therapy’ app developed by Living Hope Ministries from its Play Store. It moved the app to its all-new Bigot Store.

 

 

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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.