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San Francisco 49ers QB Brock Purdy got married to Jenna Brandt. Said the officiant: “I now pronounce you Purdy & Purdy-er”

Actress Neve Campbell is returning for horror flick Scream 7 after abandoning Scream 6 over inadequate pay. Producers may kill her off after that, and she’ll be Scream 8-ed.

A Conoco gas station in Camden, New Jersey was found to be selling fuel contaminated with 58% water. The gas was also really expensive because water there costs $3.50 a bottle.

A man impersonating a nurse at a suburban Philadelphia urgent care asked a woman there taking a pre-employment drug test to urinate while he watched, then gave her his phone number. They both ended up disappointed; he was arrested and she failed the drug test.

A New Jersey cockfighting ring was broken up. Police grabbed dozens of cocks, and organizers face 3 to 5 years cooped up.

Atlantic City’s boardwalk is getting $20 million in upgrades — $19,500,00 for new planks, and $500,000 in bedroom furniture underneath it for prostitutes.

British pop singer Lily Allen said in an interview that her children “complete” her, but that they also “ruined her career”. Allen spoke following the release and disappointing sales of her new single ‘Wheels On The Bus’.

Jennifer Lopez canceled several dates on her ‘This Is Me…Now’ Tour, notifying ticketholders ‘This Was Supposed to Be Me…But Isn’t…Now’.

The House of Representatives passed a bill to force TikTok to divest from its Chinese parent company or be banned in the U.S. The bill gained bipartisan support, from Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg and X’s Elon Musk.

Child actor Drake Bell accused a Nickelodeon network voice coach of sexual abuse during the filming of his ‘Drake & Josh’ tv show. Ironically, the voice coach told him not to speak up.

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A 29-year-old Florida woman was arrested after smearing her dog’s poop on the face of her 76-year-old neighbor following an argument. The dog confirmed it was his poop after sniffing the neighbor’s face.

Disgruntled Philadelphia 76ers forward James Harden said he’s lost trust in General Manager Daryl Morey, comparing his situation to a bad marriage. Harden may be the only man in America seeking a different marriage while his current one pays him $33 million a year.

Madonna kicks off her ‘Celebration’ tour in London. She said the show features over 40 songs, although fans hope she means 40 different songs, and not songs she recorded since she turned 40.

Non-alcoholic beer sales are up 33 percent. Industry experts cite improved taste & quality, and Coors Light admitting it’s just tinted river water.

Philadelphia police are investigating a road rage shooting in a McDonald’s drive-thru. The victim was listed in stable condition after taking a bullet from a big MAC-10.

The 2028 Los Angeles Summer Olympics will add flag football. It will be the first Olympics with a concussion tent.

San Francisco 49ers running back Christian McCaffrey tied OJ Simpson’s record with a touchdown in his 15th straight game. “You’re killing it!” said his teammates.

The world’s first solar-powered off-road SUV just completed a trek across Morocco powered only by the sun. They now plan an even more challenging trek across the New Jersey Turnpike in the rain.

M&Ms claims their ‘Halloween Rescue Squad’ will deliver candy to your house on Halloween within an hour if you run out. Just tell them which front door covered in raw eggs and shaving cream is yours.

A man fired his family therapist after the doctor asked for tips following sessions with the man and his teen son. The therapist did give the man a tip, telling him his kid is bipolar.

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A Japanese company sent an orange-sized sphere into space, capable of transforming to a tiny lunar rover once it reaches the moon. Only they had to send a follow-up rocket because the batteries weren’t included.

Comedian Dave Chappelle brought out Elon Musk as a surprise guest at a show in San Francisco, where Musk spotted several Twitter employees in the audience and dragged them back to the office to work overnight.

Senator Bernie Sanders accused newly-independent Senator Kyrsten Sinema of sabotaging Democrat-sponsored legislation, and because she’s bisexual, of bringing plus-2s to the Senate Christmas party.

Crews in Philadelphia removed a box which had covered a statue of Christopher Columbus that the City wanted removed, but which stayed due to a judge’s ruling. When they removed the box, they discovered statues of corpses of indigenous people that Columbus murdered.

Britney Griner dunked a basketball for the first time since returning to the U.S. after her release from a Russian prison. She hasn’t decided if she’ll return to the WNBA, since she doesn’t know when she’ll be ready to play in front of two dozen people.

A new study finds every hour small children spend playing video games or watching videos increases the likelihood that they’ll develop obsessive compulsive disorder, and the likelihood that they’ll be nearly unbeatable in Fortnite.

Data collected between 2008 and 2019 show more U.S. adults combined alcohol use with marijuana use as states legalized pot, in what behavioral scientists now refer to as A Bitchin’ Double-Buzz.

A New Hampshire man died falling off the summit of Mt. Willard while taking photos with his wife during a hike. The wife requests privacy during this difficult time of deciding which pic to send to Shutterfly for the Xmas card.

Former Navy SEAL Chris Beck, who transitioned to Kristin Beck 10 years ago, announced that he’s detransitioning. He warned of the dangers of transgender health services on children, and of the difficulty getting fair value for Lane Bryant gift cards he no longer needs.

Following a blowout loss to the San Francisco 49ers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady was heard angrily saying “f##k that” – causing 49ers cheerleaders to line up until they were told he was talking about the game.

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China is accusing the United States of spreading fear about the Wuhan coronavirus. Meanwhile, North Korea’s Kim Jong Un announced he cured it.

A newly discovered cannabis compound has been shown to be 30 times more potent than THC, the psychoactive agent in marijuana. It was discovered when a lab technician smoked Snoop Dogg’s hair.

A new video showed that Beyonce and Jay-Z sat through Demi Lovato’s performance of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl. The couple said that’s because somebody usually does a rendition just for them in their luxury box.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl. Chiefs coach Andy Reid addressed the media, saying “I’ve gotta do a better job…that one’s on me and my staff” before being reminded that he won.

Google Photos is testing an $8/month subscription service where they send you prints of randomly selected photos. You also have the option of selecting categories like “pets”, “landscapes”, or “the neighbor’s bedroom window”.

Stephen King announced he’s leaving Facebook. It only took him 450 pages.

Six passengers were shot early Monday morning on a Greyhound bus headed from Los Angeles to San Francisco, effectively ending the sing-a-long.

Bernie Sanders said, if elected, he’ll legalize marijuana in all 50 states on Day 1 of his presidency, to the delight of people too baked to bother voting.

Website TheDailyMeal rated Duff’s of Buffalo the best chicken wings in the United States. A spokesperson for Buffalo Wild Wings responded to the article, saying “we’re sorry your tester got so sick.”

Drug kingpin El Chapo’s daughter, Alejandrina, married Edgar Cazares in Mexico. The bride wore a white lace dress, a tiara, and a four-kilo dowry in her bra.

 

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A Secret Service agent traveling with President Trump’s security detail died in Scotland after suffering a stroke.  Asked how they feel about their colleague’s death, fellow agents guarding Trump said “jealous”.

U.S. Customs & Border Patrol agents found nearly ten pounds of heroin in four egg-shaped packages at New York’s JFK Airport — along with two seriously strung out chickens.

A new study claims that cancer risk is reduced by eating dinner earlier, delighting 80-year-olds who want dinner at 2pm now.

NFL quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was spotted dining with porn star Kiara Mia in Beverly Hills. Garoppolo said they’re just friends, although they feel more like teammates, since her breasts are 49’ers.

The Transportation Security Administration is implementing more security measures, asking that travelers remove bags of snacks from their carry-ons along with liquids and laptops. This follows reports that a passenger ate an entire bag of Cheddar Cheese Combos and blew up a jetliner’s bathroom.

Ohio police released video of porn star Stormy Daniels’ arrest at a Columbus strip club for ‘motorboating’ several officers during her act.  It’s the first ever police body cam footage available via pay-per-view.

Six nurses that work together in a Winston-Salem oncology clinic at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center are all pregnant.  Said one of the clinic’s male doctors: “hey, we had a great Memorial Day weekend.”

Uber believes its rentals of electric bikes in San Francisco are so popular that they’re cannibalizing car rides. Uber is evaluating whether to offer tandem electric bikes for customers who miss having someone sexually harassing them during their trips.

Alleged Russian spy Maria Butina remains behind bars on several charges, including offering sex in exchange for a ‘position of influence’ with a special interest group. The position and group are not named, although it is believed to be a manager job at the McDonalds where President Trump gets lunch every day.

A woman from Texas was arrested for collecting 40 queen conch shells in Key West, Florida.  The queen conch is a protected species. She was sentenced to 15 days in jail, but got to keep one of the shells so she could hear the ocean from her cell.

 

 

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San Francisco 49ers assistant coach Katie Sowers has come out, making her the first openly gay coach in the NFL. “Welcome to the club!” said an unnamed group of players comprising 10% of the 49ers roster.

According to a Priceline.com survey, 44% of Americans reported that the feeling they get from booking a cheap flight is better than sex. Most of the respondents were Spirit Airlines fliers, who can always count on booking cheap fares and getting screwed.

Former National Director of Intelligence James Clapper reacted strongly to President Trump’s rally speech in Phoenix Tuesday, saying he questions Trump’s fitness for office and his access to nuclear codes — especially since Trump had them all changed to ‘Password’.

In an excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming 2016 campaign memoir ‘What Happened’, she said that when Trump stood behind her at the debates it made her “skin crawl”.  Said Melania Trump “..yeah? Now imagine the same thing, only he’s naked.”

Taylor Swift announced the release of a new album, ‘Reputation.’ The album drops in November, but it is already not speaking with Katy Perry’s new album.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is rumored to be getting a 5-year contract extension through 2024. Goodell has so far made over $200 million as Commissioner. He said he’ll continue to stand during the national anthem, because there’s no room to sit with all the piles of money around.

Actor Robert Downey Jr is warning fans of online scammers posing as Downey to cheat people out of charitable donations — leading countless gullible nerds to stop Venmo payments to Stark Industries.

Mark Wahlberg tops the Forbes list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actors, followed by Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson and Vin Diesel — offering continued hope to all of you good-looking, muscular guys in Hollywood who can’t act.

Ferrari unveiled a new 200-MPH convertible, and a new toupee super-glue for men buying it.

Elon Musk posted a photo on Instagram of the new spacesuit that SpaceX astronauts will wear on trips to the International Space Station. It features a fully redesigned helmet and bodysuit, with a fireproof pocket for astronauts to store their last messages to loved ones.