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Ellen Degeneres’ wife, Portia de Rossi, posted on social media “I Stand With Ellen”. And, in a follow-up, “I Stand Next To Ellen’s Piles Of Money”.

T-Mobile officially retired the Sprint brand on Monday. Customers are still accidentally saying “goddamned Sprint dropped my call again”.

COVID-19 testing centers are closed all along the east coast due to extreme weather. It gets worse, Isaias tested positive.

Glamour magazine released its list of The Biggest Haircut Trends for Autumn 2020. Topping the list? ‘Actually getting one’.

Scientists analyzing a fossilized dinosaur bone found that it was cancerous. The bone was discovered next to a pile of fossilized cigarette butts.

Kellyanne Conway’s 15-year-old daughter Claudia Conway called Donald Trump a “f***ing idiot” for suggesting children return to classrooms – and, in doing so, vaulted herself to the top of the list of potential Joe Biden running mates.

After losing his penis to an infection, a doctor constructed a new one on a man’s arm. Surgery will eventually move it between his legs, but until then his biggest issues are sex, urination, and proper-fitting long-sleeved shirts.

UFC founder Dana White said The Rock should ‘move fast’ on a reboot after acquiring the now-defunct XFL.  White added the first step should be combing the South Seas for a new XFL Island.

Someone put ‘Trump 2020’ stickers on the tracking collars of black bears in the Asheville, NC region. The stickers were removed and replaced with Blacks For Trump stickers.

Economists say the pandemic has created the first ‘female recession’ because of disproportionate impacts to jobs in child care and teaching. Women are reacting to COVID-19’s impact by not speaking to it.

 

 

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Walmart supervisors are taking worker temperatures to keep stores and warehouses free of COVID-19. So far, over a hundred robots were sent home after overheating while restocking toilet paper.

Fitbit announced its latest fitness tracker, the Charge 4. It adds GPS functionality so you can more accurately count those five steps between the recliner and the refrigerator.

Alcohol sales increased 55% year-over-year as people stockpiled booze during the coronavirus outbreak. DUI arrests are down, although cops say it’s a lot easier to spot the swerving cars on empty roads.

T-Mobile announced the completion of its merger with Sprint.  “Can you hire me now?” said the unemployed Sprint guy who used to be the Verizon guy.

Comet C/2019 Y4 ATLAS,  five times the size of Jupiter – and about half the size of the Sun – will light up the night sky as it passes Earth in late April. It was to be joined by a second comet, but that one is staying the required six light years away until April 30th.

April 1st is National Census Day. Michelle Obama, Tom Hanks, Lin-Manuel Miranda and others are urging citizens to make sure that they’re counted, even though average schmoes won’t ever count as much as big celebrities.

Donald Trump said the U.S. Government is ‘holding back’ some ventilators in anticipation of a surge in coronavirus infections, or in case he has to walk up a flight of stairs.

Burger King is bringing back its half-pound Big King XL Burger this week – despite protests saying the health care system is already overwhelmed.

Videoconference tool Zoom has a feature that alerts bosses when participants aren’t paying attention in meetings. It tracks participant eye movement, and listens for porn on the iPad next to your laptop.

Speculation is that men are at a higher risk for coronavirus because they’re much less likely to wash their hands – as evidenced by surveys, and women seeing their boyfriend’s greasy fingerprints on their breasts and buttocks.

 

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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New York City police arrested a man with gasoline cans & lighters inside of St Patrick’s Cathedral. The man said he was just trying to bring a little bit of Paris to the Big Apple.

The Weather Channel was knocked off the airwaves Thursday morning by what it claims was a “malicious software attack”. They promptly dispatched Jim Cantore to their I.T. department to give live reports from the center of the software storm.

Dashcam video from Montana showed a beaver dragging a large tree branch across a busy highway at night. Once the beaver delivered the branch to the site of a new dam, he returned to his day job as Mayor of the Montana town where he lives.

Comcast and T-Mobile announced a joint effort to cut down on the number of robocalls received by customers on their networks, it involves dropping the robocalls just like the rest of them.

Tech journalists’ review samples of the $2,000 Samsung Galaxy Fold – the first smartphone with a folding display – are breaking. The failures are troubling, but reviewers liked that you can fold the phone closed to extinguish it when it catches fire.

Barnes & Noble announced users of its Nook e*reader & app can download free copies of the Mueller Report – an announcement greeted with indifference by the eight people using the Nook e*reader or app.

Jenny Mollen and Jason Biggs shared that she dropped their son Sid on his head, fracturing his skull. This followed a months-old post saying their other son, Lazlo, was bitten by a dog. Both boys are fine. Their nanny describes her job as “pretty hands off.”

A new study found gluten in 32% of restaurant food labeled ‘gluten free’. “See, this is why we don’t even try” said an Arby’s spokesman.

New York City’s population dipped for the first time in a decade, according to government estimates. Reasons include lower international immigration, and the inability to count people stuck on late subway trains.

Multiple McDonald’s customers in Lyons, New York claimed to have found worms at the bottom of their soft drink cups – thus ending the secret trial of McDonald’s new McQuila.

 

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A woman trading in an iPhone 7 at T-Mobile is suing the carrier, saying store employees looked through her photos, found a private nude video she’d made, and watched it. The employees said that, like the phone, it took up a lot of their memory.

  • The employees also said that although the phone was an iPhone 7, the nude woman was closer to an iPhone 5.

Philadelphia Eagles wideout Alshon Jeffery, who dropped a pass that possibly lost the team’s NFC playoff game, visited a 2nd grade class who had written him letters. He thanked most of the children, but wanted to know where one of them learned the language used in the letter.

Microsoft pledged $500 million to create affordable housing around Seattle, then laid off 10,000 workers to build it.

Coinstar machines will sell Bitcoin  – finally giving savvy individuals with empty Ragu jars full of loose change in Walmart lobbies the perfect investment for them.

An Irish man was admitted to a hospital after repeatedly injecting himself with his own semen in an effort to cure his back pain. While in the hospital, he kept asking nurses if their back hurt.

Netflix added 8.8 million subscribers in the recent fiscal quarter, and says it now accounts for 10 percent of U.S. screen time, trailing only cable’s 15% and porn’s 75%.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen claims he paid a company to inflate online polls in favor of Trump in the run-up to the 2016 election – this, in addition to paying women to keep quiet about inflating Trump’s pole.

A source tells People magazine that Jeff & MacKenzie Bezos plan to be “adult” about their divorce, and will share parenting of their children with each other and Alexa.

M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie debuted to brutal reviews – critics agree ‘Glass’ blows.

A 29-year-old Texas woman pretended to be autistic in order to con a caregiver into sex.  The caregiver grew suspicious when the woman didn’t insist on having sex an even number of times.

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Sprint and T-Mobile called off merger plans. Conference calls to discuss the deal kept dropping.

Supermodel Kate Upton married Houston Astros pitching ace Justin Verlander in Tuscany, just days after the Astros’ World Series win. Verlander missed the Astros victory parade, but still managed to see some big floats.

Gonorrhea rates are up 63% in Australia over the last five years, as Health Dept. authorities there express concern over the emergence of skinnier, sexier kangaroos.

Former NASCAR champion Matt Kenseth announced his retirement, citing inability to find a sponsor. Kenseth said he never thought his career would take such a right turn.

Shalane Flanagan became the first American woman in 40 years to win the women’s division of the NYC Marathon, as ICE agents throughout the course touted a successful roundup of Kenyans.

Pharmacy giant CVS plans to offer next-day delivery of prescription drugs nationwide, and may offer same-day delivery in some urban markets, in an effort to stave off competition from Amazon and those sketchy guys who hang out on the corner.

Utah passed a bill to change their anti-bigamy law. Current Utah law says bigamy applies when a married man “spiritually” weds another woman, leading thousands of men to request divorces from women they spiritually married for a hundred bucks.

Scientists have discovered a 30-meter ‘void’ in the Great Pyramid of Giza. Further investigation is required to determine whether it’s a Pharoah Cave or Scrapbooking Room.

President Trump arrived in Japan, and was presented with a gift from Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe – a custom hat embroidered with the slogan ‘Donald & Shinzo – Make Alliance Even Greater’. Trump said it reminded him of the slogan on favors from his wedding, ‘Donald & Melania – She Signed the Prenup’.

Researchers at the University of Pennsylvania say the number of assaults go up by nearly 3 percent once Daylight Savings Time ends in early November, and that’s just counting their latest bus ride back to campus in Philadelphia on Sunday.

 

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88% of Puerto Rico residents are still without cell phone service. The outage most severely impacts T-Mobile customers, who aren’t really sure they ever had service to begin with.

Three U.S. scientists will share the Nobel Prize for physics for their detection of gravitational waves – the stretching & squeezing of space-time occurring when massive objects accelerate. They were able to successfully prove the existence of a black hole formed at the entrance of a Popeye’s Chicken when it opens for lunch.

National Geographic compiled a list of 10 huge discoveries that should have been Nobel Prize winners, but weren’t. The list includes the World Wide Web, the Human Genome, Dark Matter – and Donald Trump’s combover.

Chaotic scenes played out in Spain following a Catalonian referendum on independence. A Quinnipiac poll asked 1,000 Americans what they thought of Catalonia; 50 were in favor of independence, 50 were against, 800 said they didn’t know, and 100 said it was their favorite Bob Seger song.

Former Equifax CEO Richard Smith is set to testify before Congress on Tuesday, and he’ll remain in Washington DC for three more days of hearings. He’s trying to find a couch to crash on, since none of his credit cards are being accepted at hotels.

  • Equifax admitted this week that another 2.5 million records had been stolen; even more may be added to the total as Eastern European hackers staff up for the Holidays.

Warren Buffett announced that his Berkshire Hathaway will buy a majority ownership stake in truck stop company Pilot Flying J.  The news was welcomed by meth dealers and prostitutes who will finally have tuition reimbursement and 401Ks.

 

Following Sunday night’s horrific shooting in Las Vegas, President Trump led the nation in a moment of silence Monday afternoon, and was awarded the Nobel Prize for Irony.

A coalition of 40 Roman Catholic organizations in the ‘Global Catholic Climate Movement’ announced that they will no longer invest in fossil fuels – choosing, instead, to shift their funds to creationist fuels.

Senator Elizabeth Warren told Wells Fargo CEO Tim Sloan that he should be fired, at which point President Trump burst into the Senate Banking Committee hearing to accuse Pocahontas of stealing his line.

 

 

 

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Church & Dwight, the owner of Trojan, reports that condom sales are down.  Researchers say that 17-25 year-olds are having less sex because they’re distracted by their smartphones. And of those that do, the men have improved negotiating skills.

  • For its part, Trojan says it’s using digital advertising to “try and get young people off their phones and using Trojan condoms”. So in addition to ads touting the benefits of Trojan, the company is also advertising prostitutes.

Fox Networks and T-Mobile announced they’ll be running a new 6-second ad format during Sunday’s Cowboys/Broncos game – giving football fans a few days to practice urinating in 6 seconds.

‘Bluetiful’ is the name of the new Crayola crayon chosen by fans after two months of online voting. It will debut later this year; toddlers are eager to see how it tastes.

Frank Giaccio, an 11 year-old boy who wrote to President Trump asking to mow the White House lawn, did just that on Friday morning. The President patted Frank on the back and called him “the future of our country…especially with all of those DACA immigrants I’m letting stay here now..”

  •   11 year-old Barron Trump asked his mother “what’s the thing that boy is pushing around in our yard?”

Barron Trump will appear in a father-and-son White House portrait, keeping the President’s promise to see him every couple of days.

President Trump used Twitter to call on ESPN to “apologize for untruth”. ESPN apologized for calling new analyst Rex Ryan a football genius.

Rovio, maker of Angry Birds, plans an initial public stock offering that would put its market value at a billion dollars. Rovio’s founder said if the company beats the billion-dollar level, he’ll probably quit the game.

NASA concluded an eight-month experiment where six researchers were isolated atop a Hawaiian volcano to simulate life on Mars. The researchers were eager to finally get pizza and see if the country had changed Presidents.

Heather Locklear was sent to the hospital following a car crash. Locklear’s representative said her condition will be revealed next Thursday at 8PM!!

 

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Pornhub debuted a new channel of interactive videos that work with “connected male sex toys”. A Pornhub exec said that videos to work with connected women’s toys is in the works, but that guys always come first.

Facebook has hit 2 Billion monthly users – each of whom are really, really pissing somebody off right now.

  • While there are 2 Billion users, your Mom wonders why nobody liked that video she posted.

Bill Cosby issued a statement “the current propaganda that I will conduct a ‘sexual assault tour’ is false.” Cosby went on to say that his sexual assault touring days are behind him.

Chernobyl Nuclear Plant was a victim of a recent malware attack – with attackers downing computer systems in exchange for ransom.  A spokesperson for Chernobyl Nuclear said “eh, things have been worse.”

16 Million Americans in Southern California, Southern Nevada and Arizona are under a heat advisory. Residents are advised to check on elderly persons — or at least the ones that they like.

The CEO of Olive Garden told investors that sales are up 4% this year and that, surprisingly, 30% of their customers are Millenials. The other 70% pay the checks for meals, but 30% are Millenials.

Actress Michelle Rodriguez took to social media to say that the Fast & Furious films need more strong female voices. Producers plan to address her request by casting future movies with more chick cars.

A Verizon exec took a swipe at phone service rival T-Mobile, saying in the wake of a recent outage that T-Mobile “doesn’t work on Thursdays”. T-Mobile scheduled a conference call to address the issue on Friday.