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Kenneth Connin, a 27-year-old quadriplegic, realized his lifelong dream of performing in a gay porno movie. Although he wasn’t able to realize his other lifelong dream, providing the money shot in it. [h/t to anonymous contributor!]

  • Filming took longer than expected, because for multiple takes, when the director shouted “rolling!”, Connin wheeled out of frame.

Fox News mistakenly aired a graphic that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. They apologized for the error, but told the intern who made it not to delete it altogether.

Pornhub reports that traffic is way up during daytime hours in Washington, DC. They attribute the shift to the U.S. government shutdown, and the speedy new router and laptops that Donald & Barron Trump got for Christmas.

Delta Airlines introduced a new “streamlined” boarding process, where passengers will board the aircraft by fare type. First class goes first, followed by Gold & Platinum members, then Main Cabin 1, 2 & 3 — and, finally, Basic Economy passengers will be told to go home.

In an effort to minimize injury from warehouse collisions, Amazon workers are being given vests that send signals to robots to recognize and move around them.  Accidents haven’t been completely eliminated, as sentient robots still run over human coworkers they dislike.

An organizational behavior professor at Stanford claims that workplace stress from employees who hate their jobs accounts for 8 percent of U.S. companies’ annual health costs and 120,000 deaths each year — and that’s not even counting the shootings.

Tesla announced it’s ending a customer referral program, where Tesla owners get free vehicle charging in exchange for getting friends to buy a Tesla. They were losing money underestimating how many rich a-hole friends that rich a-hole Tesla owners could refer.

DJI, the world’s largest manufacturer of flying drones, uncovered an employee fraud scheme totaling $150 million. Multiple employees have been fired; however, the whereabouts of the money is up in the air.

Backstreet Boys will release their newest album on January 25th, titled ‘DNA’ – which stands for Do Not Allow your friends to know you bought it.

Facebook launched a new petition feature to compete with sites like Change.org. The first petition asked Facebook to stop exploiting user privacy & personal data, posted by employees of Change.org.

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

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An Apple corporate memo warning employees against leaking confidential information was, itself, leaked. Apple said that in 2017, 29 employees were terminated for leaking information – 12 were arrested, and 17 factory workers returned to 7th grade.

Ryan Fish, a 23-year-old Connecticut substitute teacher, was arrested for starting a “classroom fight club”, where he encouraged fistfights between students while other students recorded on their phones and cheered. He was charged on multiple counts of endangering children before returning in time to ring the bell for 4th-period geometry.

A 20-year-old Florida mother was arrested and charged with letting her 2-year-old smoke meth and pot. The county sheriff’s office said people joked about the toddler’s ability to roll joints. The mother faces multiple drug and neglect charges. The child was awarded a scholarship to a Florida academy for gifted children.

Comcast announced that it will partner with Netflix to bundle Netflix access in cable tv packages. Comcast said they want the ability to provide all of Netflix’ hit content, and Netflix said they want Comcast’s help making it f*cking impossible for customers to cancel Netflix.

Founder and CEO Elon Musk promised that Tesla will soon make money — for other people besides him.

PGA golfer Kelly Kraft struck a flying bird with his tee shot on the par-3 14th hole at the RBC Heritage tournament. Kraft’s ball fell into a water hazard, forcing him to take a double bogey – but since the bird had yelled “dilly dilly” he was okay with hitting it.

Three male survivors of a Chilean Catholic church sex abuse scandal will meet with Pope Francis at the Vatican. The survivors are expected to refuse the Pontiff’s offers to join him on the sofa and have something to drink.

Singer Huey Lewis has cancelled all of his 2018 shows, saying that he’s suffered almost complete hearing loss. He’s hoping for a recovery, but told his audiologist if this is it, please let him know.

Ahead of Saturday’s induction ceremonies, Jon Bon Jovi made a surprise appearance at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on Friday – the biggest surprise since his band actually got voted in.

A multi-state E.coli outbreak has been traced to chopped romaine lettuce. Health officials said that if you have bagged chopped romaine lettuce, you should throw it out; adding that if you don’t know if the lettuce is romaine, you should throw it out – and then learn how to read.

Starbucks’ CEO apologized for the treatment of two black men, arrested at a Philadelphia location for being in the coffee shop and asking to use the restroom without ordering anything. Kevin Johnson said the actions toward black people are not consistent with the company’s values, but hey, have you tried our new BLONDE espresso drinks?

Gay rights activist and environmental attorney David Buckel died after setting himself on fire in a Brooklyn park in a “protest suicide”. He leaves behind one hell of a carbon footprint.

 

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Wildlife workers in New Jersey were able to rescue a young male deer who had a glass bowl stuck on his head. The deer was released into the wild, but only after the workers delivered the sad news that he could never be an astronaut.

President Trump angry-tweeted at California Governor Jerry Brown for pardoning convicts facing deportation, calling Brown “Moonbeam”. Brown said he expected that from Trump — adding that Trump appears to have lost his ‘chi’ and his chakras are waaaay out of alignment.

A Long Island, NY judge is accused of breaking into his neighbor’s home and stealing three pairs of panties from the hamper of their 23-year-old daughter. His attorney filed a motion for bail, but didn’t file any other briefs.

Mexico is concerned that increasing violence is threatening the lucrative tourism business in areas such as Cancun, Los Cabos and Playa del Carmen. It’s gotten so bad, luxury hotels now welcome guests with gifts of bulletproof sombreros.

Actor Eddie Redmayne gave a reading at the funeral of Stephen Hawking. Critics said that Redmayne came off sounding robotic.

President Trump’s pick for National Security Adviser, John Bolton, called Russian election meddling “a true act of war”. Bolton then cut into a steak served medium instead of medium rare like he ordered it, telling the waiter it was “a true act of war”.

Apple issued a new version of iOS that tells iPhone users when it’s time to change their phone battery. It works by detecting when the iPhone owner has $29.

Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University have developed knitting patterns for making 3D shapes. Now instead of scarves and mittens, your grandma can knit you a stuffed animal made of yarn that you can throw away, instead.

Sinclair Broadcasting is under fire for forcing its anchors to read a company-issued  statement that many view as pro-Trump. The statement read “tune in at 8 for a hilarious new episode of ‘Roseanne’ “.

Walmart is rumored to be buying health insurer Humana, so you can look forward to having the claim for your lifesaving surgery denied by a high-school dropout making $10/hour.

Tesla posted an update on its website regarding a fatal accident where a vehicle’s owner died when his Tesla crashed on autopilot. The vehicle was still being examined,  and the autopilot remained jailed after refusing a breathalyzer.

Personal and financial information from shoppers of Saks Fifth Avenue was stolen. Hackers obtained the wealthy, bored, housewives’ credit card information, purchase history, and the names of their favorite gardeners, pool boys and gigolos.

Following a boycott request from Parkland shooting survivor and activist David Hogg, over a dozen companies have dropped their ads from Fox News’ ‘The Ingraham Angle’. Holdout advertisers include Sleep Number, ATT, Allstate and catheter lawsuits.

 

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An all-Tesla racing league is in the works. Drivers are looking for pit crew members that can change tires and stick the plug in the right way on the first try.

Russian cybersecurity company Kaspersky Lab released findings that one-quarter of the malware found on Android phones used porn videos as the bait – starring Russian porn starlet Kandi Kaspersky.

Uber and Lyft drivers are surprised to learn that each app has implemented a tip limit for passenger payments. “Yeah, can you believe it? It’ll only let me tip you two bucks” say cheapskates.

A private practice nutritionist in NYC says that eating pizza for breakfast is better than eating most sugared cereal, a claim disputed by General Mills – makers of Papa John’s Chocolate Meat Lovers Crunch.

President Donald Trump approved the release of a controversial GOP memo alleging FBI abuse of surveillance, despite “grave concerns” from his FBI director and Democrats. Trump refused to release of a rebuttal document from Democrats, and the D- reading comprehension score he received summarizing the report’s contents.

The report is expected to be made available later today, and will be readable unless you’ve used up your 10 free articles for this month linking the Trump campaign to the Russians.

Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. And Puertotawney Phil predicted at least six more months without power.

Shares of toy maker Mattel fell almost 9% on Thursday, as holiday sales failed to meet expectations. Barbie doll sales were actually up during the holidays, but were offset by disappointing demand for Time’s Up Ken.

A New York City teacher giving a lesson on slavery made several black students lie on the floor, and even stepped on some of them to ‘show what slavery felt like.’ Parents were outraged, although one of the stepped-on students asked for her phone number.

A plot to bombard the upcoming Marvel Black Panther movie with negative Rotten Tomatoes user reviews has been identified and will be monitored by the site. Assistance was offered by the Justice League, but Rotten Tomatoes said “no thanks.”

 

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Former nude model and current First Lady Melania Trump tweeted to honor ‘Pearl Harbor Heroes’, but typed in the wrong date, November 7, 1941 instead of December 7. Melania’s assistant explained that the November 7 date was intended for a different tweet, honoring the heroes of the Bergdorf Goodman November shoe sale.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to make an unscheduled stop in Montana because the toilets stopped working. “They worked fine for me” said one passenger as he tossed out the remnants of three Taco Bell 5 Buck Boxes.

U.K. firefighters responded to a call to free a 22-year-old man who had cemented his head inside of a microwave while filming a YouTube stunt. The man was freed after an hour, and complained that his head was very hot in some spots, but still cold in others.

Discount retailer Dollar General plans to open 900 stores in 2018 — or more, depending on how fast they can get Sears and KMart to move out.

Anheuser-Busch ordered 40 electric trucks from Tesla; the brewing giant was impressed that the trucks could drive themselves, even while drunk.

Bitcoin hit a new record high of $17,000 on Friday, then dropped over $3,000 in value that same morning, worrying the new breed of currency speculators who work at Burger King.

Ford announced it’s investing $900 million in a Michigan plant to make self-driving cars. Once built, the cars will be evaluated on how long they can drive themselves around Detroit without getting stolen.

Amid the fallout from scandals involving Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner and others, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences approved new Standards of Conduct for members in the film and tv industries. Only now nobody wants to produce movies or tv shows anymore.

Police in the New York City suburb of Clarkstown are warning residents to stay away from a hybrid wolf/coyote, known as a ‘coywolf’. The animal weighs 75 pounds, has a grey coat, and has been asking pedestrians if they want to see his puppies in a van.

Arby’s is introducing the Arbynator, a french-fry filled sandwich. Arby’s now has the meats, has the potatoes, and has no more ideas.

The U.S. Economy added 228,000 jobs in November. The Labor Department cited growth in Manufacturing, Santa Clauses, and roles in tv ads with elves in them.

 

 

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Youngstown, Ohio city employees doing routine checks of manhole covers discovered human body parts. The police lieutenant is withholding comment until he’s able to interview the local CHUDs after their lunch break.

Matt Lauer, ousted from NBC News after sexual harassment allegations, issued an apology, writing “to the people I have hurt, I am truly sorry…and to the ones I didn’t hurt, I am now free on weekday mornings..”

Cabin — a new luxury bus line operating overnight service between Los Angeles and San Francisco — is offering $115 one-way trips featuring lie-flat beds so passengers can sleep on the 7-hour ride. Cabin’s execs say this addresses the number-one complaint of frequent bus passengers, that their ride isn’t creepy enough.

Vice Media fired three employees amid sexual harassment investigations, and announced a name change to Respect & Inclusion Media.

Walmart stopped selling a t-shirt with the caption “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some Assembly Required” after complaints from customers and sales associates who don’t know what ‘journalist’ means.

A magnitude 4.1 earthquake was recorded near Dover, Delaware. Officials expressed relief that it didn’t happen during one of Dover’s NASCAR races, since the violent shaking would have made thousands of cans of cheap beer highly risky to open.

  • The National Geological Survey said the only remaining east coast state without an earthquake is Florida, since the Earth hasn’t figured out how to make two giant sinkholes rub together.

Tesla has launched the world’s biggest battery in the Australian Outback, and is staffing up security to ward off loitering kangaroos and koalas charging their cell phones.

A British lawmaker, critical of President Trump’s retweets of anti-Muslim videos, quoted fictional Harry Potter wizard Albus Dumbledore in a televised debate. Trump angrily replied that players kneeling during ‘Rule Britannia‘ need to be kicked out of the National Quidditch League.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway will spearhead the Trump Administration’s battle against the opioid crisis, despite having no public health experience at all. Sessions’ budget will fund $12 million toward the effort, money Conway will use for an amnesty program, where addicts seeking to surrender their opioids can trade them for a gun.

GOP Senators continue to work on a Tax Reform bill, with the latest hiccup being attempts by ‘Budget Hawks’ to include measures aimed at slowing the soaring growth of the Federal Deficit. The President struggles to understand why the Senators don’t just pass the bill first and go bankrupt later.

 

 

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London’s Old Vic Theater, where Kevin Spacey once served as Artistic Director, reportedly received 20 complaints of Spacey’s sexual misconduct – 15 evening performances, and 5 matinees.

According to a new Pennsylvania law, leaving your dog out in the cold is a felony. Leaving your spouse or lover out in the cold is still classified as a country song.

Nigeria qualified for the 2018 South Korea Winter Olympics in women’s bobsled, and are raising money to fund the trip with the world’s worst bake sale.

Swedish publication Scientific Reports published a study claiming that for people living alone, dog ownership decreased their risk of death by 33% and their risk of cardiovascular death by 36%. The study also found that if those same people died, there was a 100% lower risk of the dog going hungry.

Amidst the tight race for U.S. Senate, a rally was held outside of the Alabama state capitol by a group called ‘Women for Moore’.  When asked why they were there, they said they were really called ‘Women for More’ and they sought to improve elementary education in the state.

A rare Leonardo da Vinci painting sold at auction for $450.3 million, to an anonymous telephone bidder who chose the Easy Pay installment option.

Tesla opened the two largest supercharging stations for its electric vehicles in California. Like many highway rest stops, the stations have a lounge, restrooms, a dog walking area, – and are hoping to add prostitutes.

Tesla also debuted its new high-performance Roadster. It will go from 0-60mph in 1.9 seconds, equalling the speed of people walking away from conversations with new owners of a Tesla Roadster.

Congressional investigators say that Jared Kushner has not provided requested documents related to a ‘Russian Backdoor Overture’ discussed in emails during the campaign. Democrats believe the mention of a Russian Backdoor Overture may prove that the infamous Trump Pee Tape has a second act.

  • CIA Operatives called the Russian Backdoor Overture ‘like a Dirty Sanchez, but with Tchaikovsky as mood music.’

President Trump took to Twitter, criticizing Senator Al Franken over sexual abuse allegations by calling him “Frankenstien’ (sic).  “Now tweet about me!” said Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf.

 

 

 

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Valeant Pharmaceuticals, which acquired ‘female Viagra’ drug Addyi for $1 Billion, is giving up on the drug and returning its rights to the original owner, Sprout Pharmaceutical. It’s believed to be the first time that a ton of money was spent getting women in the mood for sex and it didn’t work.

Students at George Mason University claim to have invented a fire extinguisher that puts out fires using nothing but sound waves. Unfortunately, the sound is generated from people screaming that they’re on fire.

Britain’s National Health is trialing a service that lets residents see a doctor by video call within two hours. Early results are mostly positive, though some users dislike sitting on the kitchen table in their underwear for two hours.

McDonald’s is reintroducing its Dollar Menu in early 2018, with menu items ranging from $1 for a double cheeseburger, to $3 for a cashier running down the street to get you something from Panera.

Israel Institute of Technology’s Technion Institute has created an ‘Electric nose’ that can detect at least seventeen serious illnesses by scent – ranging from Parkinson’s Disease and Multiple Sclerosis, to the pepperoni roll at Sbarro.

Obamacare signups during the current open enrollment period broke records. There haven’t been this many people buying an overpriced product that’s guaranteed to break since the iPhone X.

Google is introducing a feature that gives you the average wait time at over 1 million restaurants. The feature uses a complex algorithm to assess historical trends for most restaurants, and a static image that says No Wait for searches of Arby’s.

Venture capitalist and Digg founder Kevin Rose launched a free meditation app named Oak. It offers a range of guidance, from simple breathing exercises, to longer guided meditations, and automatic social media updates to tell everyone you’re meditating.

Tesla founder Elon Musk said on the company’s earnings call that all Tesla vehicles had the necessary hardware for full autonomous driving – now that each is fitted with a robotic hand that flips off drivers who cut off the self-driving cars.

The White House has requested $4 Billion for missile defense against North Korea. $1 Billion for counterstrike missiles, and $3 Billion for a Trump International Hotel/Silo on the South Korea border.

 

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Richard Thaler, professor at the University of Chicago, won the 2017 Nobel Prize in Economics for research into why people don’t make rational economic decisions. Thaler thanked the Nobel committee and his research subjects – broke losers who buy UFC & WWE pay-per-view.

Vice President Mike Pence and his wife briefly attended the Indianapolis Colts/San Francisco 49ers NFL game on Sunday, but then left after the national anthem because of player protests. Pence sent tweets explaining his actions, and ushers spent the rest of the game kicking drunk Hoosiers out of his seats.

  • It’s estimated that Pence’s trip cost U.S. taxpayers tens of thousands of dollars in travel, security and $12 stadium Coors Lights.

Sofia Vergara documented her mammogram on Instagram; the Facebook Live event drew millions but was cancelled when technicians couldn’t find a mammography machine big enough.

North Korea’s Kim Jong Un promoted his 28 year-old younger sister Kim Yo Yong to the country’s highest decision-making body, the Political Bureau. She said she hopes to adopt a Lean In policy — referring to ideas from her older sister, Lean In Yong.

  • Kim Jong Un said he got the idea for appointing his sister from Donald Trump’s appointment of Ivanka, while conceding the difference that Kim Yo is his sister, and Ivanka is Donald’s girl crush.

GOP Senator Bob Corker and President Trump traded jabs on Twitter, with Trump calling Corker a ‘negative voice’ in the Senate, and Corker calling the White House an ‘adult day care’.  The President was unavailable for comment during his nap after screening the My Little Pony Movie.

Actor James Woods denied that he’s retiring from acting, a statement confirmed by several 16 year-old girls he invited to audition with him in a new movie produced by Harvey Weinstein.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that Dallas Cowboys players who ‘disrespect’ the flag during the national anthem will be benched — presumably, for kickoffs and extra points.

U.S. soccer star Alex Morgan apologized for her drunken incident at Disney World’s Epcot Center, where she and friends were escorted out of the park after a fight at the pavilion’s British pub. No municipal charges were filed, but Disney World lawmakers say that Morgan has been sentenced to three penalty kicks from Minnie Mouse.

A new story reveals that Angelina Jolie once offered to help capture fugitive Ugandan warlord Joseph Kony by joining him at dinner. The plan failed when Kony decided he’d rather eat somewhere else than Red Lobster.

Elon Musk announced that, due to delays in production in Tesla’s passenger vehicle line, he’s delayed production of Tesla’s planned semi truck. As a result, production has been halted on Burt Reynolds comeback movie, Smokey and the Electric Convoy.