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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, broke a Guinness World Record, becoming the oldest person to do a tandem skydive. The guy attached to her is still working to get rid of the smell.

A $55 Stevie Nicks Barbie doll sold out on its first day of release. The doll, which recreates her late-70s ‘Rumours‘-era look, comes with a microphone and cocaine.

Queer dating app Lex is growing in popularity, receiving millions of dollars in venture capital funding. The app is increasingly popular with lesbians, who had a little trouble finding it since they thought the name was Licks.

Four Catholic elementary schools in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia were given Blue Ribbon status by the Department of Education. They were nominated by a panel of priests and nuns who determined the schools had the sexiest students.

Britney Spears is demanding an apology from cops who performed a welfare check at her home after she posted a video dancing with knives. She’s even angrier after learning they made two stops for coffee and donuts on the way to her house

Jay-Z and other billionaires held a $500,00-per-ticket charity auction & blackjack tournament in Atlantic City attended by Kim Kardashian, Tom Brady and others. However, celebrities were paid over a million dollars each to convince them to spend a night in Atlantic City.

A woman is suing Disney, claiming she suffered serious injuries to her genitals from a ‘wedgie’ caused by the Humunga Kowabunga water slide at Typhoon Lagoon. Her husband is also suing, saying the injuries prevent him from putting his humunga in her kowabunga.

New surveillance footage & photos emerged from the MGM Grand hotel and the BMW carrying Tupac Shakur on the night of his murder. At 27 years, it’s the oldest “new” evidence in forensics history.

Tara Reid, Blac Chyna & Dez Bryant all quit reality show ‘Special Forces: World’s Toughest‘ amidst the grueling physical challenges. The timing works out because filming begins next week on Sharknado 15.

Donald Trump shared a sketch of Jesus sitting next to him at his fraud trial. The sketch was reportedly made prior to Jesus quitting because he wasn’t getting paid.

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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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In an Instagram video, a recovering Jamie Foxx thanked his family for “keeping it airtight” during his hospitalization for an undisclosed serious illness. He also thanked his doctors for overruling his family and allowing him to get air.

Elon Musk changed Twitter to X. In a side-by-side test, 200 people preferred neither Threads nor brand X.

Musk allegedly wanted to change the name to Xfinity, but was disappointed to learn there was already a brand with that name which is universally loved by everyone.

Tom Brady is rumored to be romantically involved with actress/model Emily Ratajkowski. Friends say she’s perfect for him, since he loves tight ends whose names end in -kowski.

‘Barbie’ dominated the domestic movie box office over the weekend. Hollywood studios scrambled to see if there are any other toys laying around, and Paramount announced production of a live action Silly Putty movle.

An expert claims the impulses that lead someone to become a serial sexual murderer begin around adolescence. So parents, keep an eye on your 13-year-old son after he gets turned down five times for the big Eighth Grade Dance.

Spotify is raising its subscription prices by $1 per month, to the delight of artists who will see their per-track royalty soar from $0.000032 to $0.000034.

ESPN soccer commentator Shaka Hislop is recovering after collapsing on-air prior to a women’s World Cup match. Referees gave the other commentator standing next to him a yellow card.

A Florida sexual predator was arrested just one day in to his supervised release after removing his ankle monitor. He explained that he had to do it, otherwise he could damage the trampolines at Sky Zone.

An illegal immigrant from Cuba who decapitated his girlfriend has been found Not Guilty at trial due to mental illness. His lawyers successfully argued that he lost his head too.

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Kim Kardashian and Tom Brady were rumored to be “super flirty” at a July 4th party. Since Gronk will always be his tight end, Kim will have to be fullback.

A new study finds harmful chemicals are present in tap water in roughly 50% of U.S. cities – and in roughly 100% of Dasani, as a flavoring agent.

A bodyguard for NBA rookie Victor Wembanyama reportedly slapped Britney Spears in the face in Las Vegas when she tapped him on the shoulder for a photo. Britney declined the photo afterward because they got her good side.

Doctors in Singapore removed an octopus stuck in a man’s throat. The man sent the octopus in to grab the frog stuck there.

‘Matlock‘ is being rebooted with Kathy Bates, after network research among assisted living residents determined the one thing lacking from the Andy Griffith original was sex appeal.

Performers are concerned about fans throwing items on stage during concerts, after Bebe Rexha, Kelsey Ballerini, Pink & Drake all had incidents. Other artists like Toby Keith aren’t worried, and hope someone throws a decent song at him.

Vanderpump Rules Ariana Madix – who gained notoriety after her boyfriend had sex with her best friend – is the first confirmed contestant on Dancing With The Stars. Although execs are wondering whether, with this level of casting, they need to rebrand as Dancing With People You Might Have Heard Of.

An 81-year-old female nudist gave a CNN reporter advice for first-timers going to a nude beach, saying to behave “like you’re at a church picnic”. Only don’t stare at the pie and hot dogs.

Las Vegas debuted the MSG Sphere – an 18,000-seat arena billed as the World’s Largest Spherical Structure. Despite being round, owners say that once visitors are inside, they’ll be able to find a corner to piss in.

A teacher’s assistant in Canada was fired after school administrators discovered her OnlyFans account. In spite of her job status, three dozen sophomore boys paid to watch after-school detention.

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New research concludes Ludwig van Beethoven’s death and early-onset liver disease may not have been solely alcohol-related, and that he suffered from acute hepatitis. In case you were wondering what Beethoven has in common with the members of Motley Crue.

Following a series of train accidents, Congress is working on a railroad safety bill. Or, they will until Republicans or Democrats derail it.

Large clusters of sargassum have begun washing up on the Florida coastline – leading lonely, hearing-impaired women to book Florida vacations so they can experience a sargassum on the beach.

Researchers in Great Britain say hearing ‘dad jokes’ empowers kids to become better adults. While hearing dirty jokes empowers them to become more popular during recess.

Artificial tears tainted with bacteria are blamed for several deaths, blindness and loss of eyes in multiple users. Worse, victims with glass eyes are warned that high levels of bacteria have been found in Windex.

A tornado touched down in Los Angeles. It arrived 20 minutes late and left a half-hour early.

Gisele Bundchen said in an interview that her marriage to Tom Brady was doomed long before his decision to ‘unretire’. She added that their final counseling session ended with her taking a knee with 30 seconds left in ‘divorce formation’.

The City of Philadelphia is exploring a program to reduce infant mortality by paying pregnant women $1,000/month if they live in certain areas of the city. It’s unclear how the infant mortality problem can be solved with an Xbox.

The Federal Aviation Administration is issuing a “call to action” following multiple near collisions on airport runways – starting with a pre-flight two-drink maximum for veteran pilots.

An Amazon delivery driver handed a package to a SWAT team member during an armed standoff in North Carolina. The SWAT team member then placed the box of bullets on the porch and the standoff continued.

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In England, a man with a metal detector found a medieval-era diamond & gold ring valued at over $44,000 – ending his streak of 22,565 bottle caps.

OnlyFans is adding shopping features. Soon subscribers will be able to purchase authentic game-worn lingerie from their favorite creators.

Facebook will remove Religion, Political Views & Sexual Orientation information fields from user profiles – making it harder than ever for Bisexual Muslim MAGA Republicans to find each other.

Starbucks workers staged a walkout to protest working conditions, wages, resistance to unionization, and other issues. They seek better pay, adequate staffing, and the ability to limit drink orders to 30 words or less.

Bruce Springsteen invited Taylor Swift to join the E Street Band. She declined, saying she doesn’t want her ticket prices to drop below $1,000.

Qatar is banning beer sales during World Cup games. Soccer hooligans are asked to buy full cans of non-alcoholic Bud Zero to bash over each other’s heads.

China state media reported over 100,000 workers were recruited to work at the country’s largest iPhone factory. They just need to figure out how to get to China after being fired from Twitter.

Tom Brady & Gisele Bundchen’s Luz Foundation – a charitable organization they established – gave away just 0.00008% of their net worth over 13 years spanning 2007 to 2019. “Thanks, Tom!” said the guy in charge of inflating footballs for the New England Patriots.

Dozens of sheep in China’s Inner Mongolia have been walking in a circle for 12 days straight. Finally, a ewe convinced a ram to stop and ask for directions.

QVC shopping network premiered its first-ever streaming Christmas movie, Holly & the Hot Chocolate. It can be yours for just four easy installments of 25 minutes each.

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The CEO of Keurig resigned after violations of the company’s Code of Conduct. He was caught in the break room having sex with a coworker and – even worse – drinking two cups of coffee at a time.

Outgoing Wyoming Representative Liz Cheney called this year’s election results “a big win for Team Normal”, adding.. “I wish I hadn’t waited so long to join Team Normal”.

Gisele Bundchen purchased a Florida mansion next to one being built by ex Tom Brady. If she wants to keep an eye on Brady, Bill Belichick told her he could send his video guys.

Cryptocurrency exchange FTX filed for bankruptcy. Account holders are unhappy with the company’s promise to pay out their balances with Sad Monkey NFTs.

China’s Singles Day – the world’s biggest annual shopping event – totaled over $1 trillion yuan for the first time. Also for the first time, somebody bought a size Large sweater.

The United States Mens National Soccer Team officially confirmed the 26 players they’ll send to Qatar to get their asses kicked and eliminated in the World Cup.

The City of Philadelphia said they’ll replace the worn and faded international flags that line the Ben Franklin Parkway. They hope to have the flags in time for an Eagles playoff win so local drunks can climb the poles and hang ’em.

Twitter’s Head of Trust & Safety resigned after two weeks under Elon Musk’s leadership. Musk is interviewing candidates for the newly-formed Head of Distrust & Danger position.

A woman in Thailand, Phonchanok Srisunaklua, faces criminal prosecution for a viral video where she eats a bat. Her attorney claims she’ll fight the charges, citing that she was sitting in a KFC.

Sophia Rosing, the University of Kentucky student arrested for racial slurs and physical violence toward a black student and police, has been permanently banned from campus. Her family said she’ll seek treatment while she deliberates over acceptance letters from the University of Alabama and University of Mississippi.

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Eclipse, a Seattle dog famous for learning to ride the bus to a dog park alone, has died. To fill the void, multiple homeless Seattle residents have stepped in to ride the bus with their genitals exposed.

Student loan forgiveness applications are now being accepted through a ‘beta test’ website. “What’s a website?” asked borrowers who probably shouldn’t have received student loans.

Alaska’s snow crab harvest is cancelled after millions of the crustaceans disappeared from the state’s coastal waters. Carnival Cruise Lines reported several riots on board ships, when the crab leg station at the buffet was filled with Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft was married in a surprise ceremony on Friday. The couple wrote their own vows, with hers beginning “Robert, me love you long time..”

Tom Brady attended Kraft’s wedding solo, without his wife Gisele Bundchen. He successfully avoided a blitz by every single and separated woman in attendance.

Kanye West is acquiring conservative social media app Parler, joining Candace Owens as the only verified black people on Parler.

Hearing aids are now approved for over-the-counter sale, coming to the rescue for hearing-impaired adults, and high school kids who need help cheating or hearing gossip.

A new study finds limited-contact practices to be one of the best ways to reduce head injuries in youth football, followed by having an unathletic kid who gets cut or rides the bench.

Some members of K-pop supergroup BTS are starting their required 18-month military service in the South Korean army. Fellow enlisted men marching in formation with BTS singers are still getting used to having panties thrown in their direction.

New York City congressional candidate Mike Itkis, who’s running on a platform to legalize sex work, released a 13-minute video having sex with porn star Nicole Sage. Itkis may be the first politician in history whose poll numbers go up after f*cking constituents.

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Three scientists won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for ‘snapping molecules together like Legos’. Then one of the scientists broke their foot stepping on the Nobel Prize.

Angelina Jolie alleges that Brad Pitt abused her and two of their children on a flight in 2016 – striking her head, choking one of the kids, and making all of them watch Oceans 12.

Paradiso, in Barcelona, Spain, was named the World’s Best Bar by website theworlds50best.com – a site managed by someone who apparently thinks they’re too fancy for $1 margaritas at Applebees.

The world’s biggest pilot of the four-day work week by a public relations company in London is almost complete. They think that productivity is generally good, but see a tenfold increase in people calling in sick on Thursday instead of Friday.

New York Yankees slugger Aaron Judge broke the American League record with his 62nd home run. Overall home run king Barry Bonds hopes Judge doesn’t get a swelled head.

A New York investment adviser caught Judge’s home run ball, which is expected to bring him upwards of $2 million. It was the day’s third-most-valuable catch, following whatever two lawyers caught jobs representing Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen.

Olga Valeeva, winner of the Miss Crimea beauty pageant, was fined by Russian authorities for singing a patriotic Ukrainian battle anthem. She was ordered to pay 40,000 rubles, and return to her new job driving a tank.

Three teens in Florida stole a Maserati and led police on a 120-mph high-speed chase before flipping the car, killing one of the thieves. The news gets worse because the Maserati was insured with The General.

A new animated Scooby-Doo movie will confirm Velma is gay – but still not as gay as Fred’s neckerchief.

Senate candidate Dr. Mehmet Oz is accused of killing puppies for medical research. Some of them suffered punctured hearts, the rest died from overeating Green Coffee Bean Extract Dog Chow.

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Coolio died unexpectedly at age 59, allegedly from a heart attack in the bathroom. This marks the first time anyone ever compared Coolio to Elvis Presley.

Hurricane Ian delivered devastating winds and storm surge, crippling entire cities on the Gulf Coast. This surprised many, since a Florida Man typically only injures himself and maybe a couple of others.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers may move their Sunday home game against Kansas City due to hurricane damage. Tom Brady refused to criticize Hurricane Ian, since he’s always been a big fan of low-pressure systems.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, Mackenzie Scott, filed for divorce from her second husband, Dan Jewett, after less than two years of marriage, citing not enough Prime Days.

Netflix removed the LGBTQ content tag from docudrama ‘Dahmer: Monster – The Jeffrey Dahmer Story’ following complaints from the community – specifically, the homophobic cannibal community.

Maryna Moroz is the first woman UFC fighter to be featured as a Playboy Centerfold – inducing men looking at her pictures into chokeholds.

Queen Elizabeth II’s death certificate was released to the public, with her cause of death officially listed as ‘Old Age’. Although the coroner took the unusual step of adding ‘but all those dry-ass scones didn’t help’.

Khloe Kardashian stated after an MRI scan that she suffered ‘brain trauma’ from Tristan Thompson’s cheating. Other doctors disagreed with the cause, saying it was headboard-impact trauma from Thompson and several other NBA players.

An unruly fan was removed from a Washington Nationals baseball game after fighting three ushers. His ejection resulted in a box score adjustment to change the official attendance from 83 to 82.

A New York City resident asked on Reddit how to get rid of the smell of a rotting corpse from an adjacent apartment that was impacting his. Suggestions including baking soda, cooking dry coffee grounds, and buying his neighbor a bigger freezer for Christmas.