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The U.S. Senate is considering expanding the Patriot Act to allow the FBI to view citizens web browsing history & search terms without a warrant. Civil liberties advocates oppose it, but the FBI said they’ve hit a dead-end tracking the ‘Busty Mature Latinas’ Killer.

A business analytics company forecasts Jeff Bezos will become the world’s first trillionaire by 2026. This upset many Americans, but most of them are more upset their Amazon Prime shipments are taking 7 days to get there.

Mary-Kate Olsen is getting divorced from French banker Pierre Olivier Sarkozy. He’s given her until May 18 to vacate their home, making it a Half-Full House.

Golden Corral shared reopening plans, where servers will bring buffet food to tables, and use special harnesses to lift children without touching them so they can shove their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Freelance platforms like Fiverr and Upwork say the most in-demand “side hustles” you can do from home include website design, app testing & blog writing. If you’re willing to go outside the home, they recommend “the world’s oldest side hustle”.

For its reopening, Disney World will check guests temperature prior to entry. They’ll use special thermometers to tell the difference between a real fever, and people angry at how much they just paid to get into Disney World.

A viral video shows a fight as a woman was kicked out of Red Lobster on Mother’s Day after demanding a refund because her order took 3 hours. Red Lobster’s spokesperson said they were glad no one was injured by the fight, or by the Shrimp Alfredo.

Researchers state low Vitamin D levels are correlated with severity of COVID-19 illness and death. They say prevention plans should include drinking milk in direct sunlight.

The same researchers are warning that women should use caution around dude-bros who offer to up their levels of “Vitamin D”.

A woman traveling by foot throughout India gave birth, then walked 99 miles with her newborn. She named the baby ‘Heavy’.

 

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The first person-to-person transmission of the Wuhan coronavirus in the U.S. has been confirmed. It’s when the first newly-opened-iPhone-to-person transmission is confirmed that things will really get crazy.

Republican Senators are expected to block witness testimony in the Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump and move to a fast acquittal. 75% of Americans polled want witness testimony, which means they really must dislike the Senate if they want to keep them on jury duty.

World Athletics, the governing body of track & field sports, imposed an immediate ban on any shoe with a sole thicker than 40 millimeters. So, your grandmother’s plan to enter the Olympic marathon trial in her Skechers is effectively ended.

Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli listed their Bel-Air home for sale at $28 million. It’s 12,000 square feet, with 6 bedrooms, 9 baths and a pretty famous rowing machine.

Forbes magazine advises job-seekers that the two things you should never wear to a hiring interview are strong cologne and poor-fitting clothes. Although they say you can wear whatever you want to an exit interview.

While fruit-flavored cartridges in refillable vaping devices like Juul are now illegal, a loophole allows disposable e*cigarette companies like Puff Bar to sell flavors like mango and banana. Worse, the discarded Puff Bars are causing vape lung in sea turtles.

TMZ shared viral video from Las Vegas, where a woman in costume removed her Minnie Mouse head and pummeled a security guard. A costumed Mickey Mouse stood nearby, where onlookers described him as “oddly turned on”.

Delta announced they’re suspending flights to China starting February 6th. On February 7th, they begin limited-time SkyMiles offers on round trip flights to China booked and completed in February!

Victims of the 2015 Ashley Madison affair-dating website data breach are being blackmailed five years later. Most admitted they thought they’d be more excited when an old flame got in touch.

The FCC has committed $20.4 billion to bring high-speed internet to rural America. Farmers are excited to finally be able to stream Spotify to bored cows.

 

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A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

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All members of the United States Senate were sworn in as jurors in Donald Trump’s impeachment trial, pledging to administer impartial justice while crossing their fingers behind their backs.

HBO announced they won’t pursue a second season of ‘Watchmen’ – answering the age-old question “Who Watches the Watchmen?” with “nobody”.

Someone shot video of Tiger Woods’ 10-year-old son hitting golf balls without permission, sparking an ethical debate about filming children. His father asked that he be left alone until he’s 18 and can send his own videos to bar waitresses and porn stars.

Carlos Beltran, hired in November as manager of the New York Mets, was fired for his role in the Houston Astros sign-stealing scandal while playing in Houston. Beltran never managed a game, making him the only undefeated manager in Mets history.

The San Francisco Giants hired Alyssa Nakken to be the first female assistant coach in Major League Baseball history, working under new manager and former player Gabe Kapler. Kapler said he’s had women work under him before, just not front office personnel.

Former Giant Aubrey Huff criticized Nakken’s hire on Twitter, writing “I got in trouble for wearing a thong in my own clubhouse when female reporters were present.” A Giants spokesperson responded, saying Huff was disciplined because the Victoria’s Secret thong was not approved Major Leage Baseball equipment.

A group of researchers at Yale University completed a study that they hope will end debate about why dinosaurs went extinct. “Good luck with that” said Baptist science teachers.

Hong Kong Express airlines apologized for requiring passengers take pregnancy tests on flights to U.S. territory Saipan, where they feared women were giving birth to obtain U.S. citizenship for newborns. They also apologized for making men take pregnancy tests to prove they weren’t profiling.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr was charged with simple battery for slapping a cop on the buttocks following LSU’s National Football Championship. Beckham mistakenly assumed the cop was one of the strippers LSU staff invited to the postgame locker room.

The world’s largest Snickers bar – over 4,700 pounds – was unveiled in Waco, Texas. It’s projected to provide Waco public school students with almost 5,000 school lunches.

 

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Scientists say up to a million seabirds were killed by a “blob” of warm water in the Northeast Pacific Ocean.  A family of whales apologized, but said they all really needed to piss.

The man who “took out” an active shooter with his own gun at a North Texas Church is being recognized with the state’s Medal Of Courage.  Then, next Sunday, he’ll give parishioners a free show shooting tin cans off of Jesus’ head and outstretched hands.

At the Singapore Motor Show, a custom Subaru was on display as the Forester Ultimate Customized Kit Special edition. Subaru denied involvement with the name, while adding that – because it’s a Special edition – they only have so many F.U.C.K.S. to sell. [story h/t to J.O.]

The FDA approved a Philadelphia company’s cocaine-based drug, Numbrino, which is to be used as a painkiller for nasal surgery. The FDA added that they’re not crazy about the drug being sold by pharmacists in restrooms of Philadelphia bars.

An eating disorders specialist who weighed 325 pounds lost 175 pounds through bariatric surgery and cutting out sugar. She said that she feels much better, and that her clients don’t roll their eyes behind her back as much.

Joyce Churchwell, an Oklahoma teacher and volleyball coach, was arrested for allegedly having a threesome with a male high school student and another adult female. The student described the encounter as “a lot of bumping and spiking.”

Kylie and Kendall Jenner are being sued for stealing copyrighted lace designs from company Klauber Brothers Inc, and using them in their ‘Kylie + Kendall’ lingerie products.  Klauber Brothers claims that if there’s one thing NBA athletes and rappers care about when they’re tearing off lingerie, it’s unique lace.

Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick, an Arizona Democrat, is entering a treatment program for alcohol dependence. She’s the only thing in Arizona that isn’t dry.

In a rare political ritual, members of the U.S. House of Representatives walked the Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump to the U.S. Senate. The Senate took possession of them, then walked around looking for the intern who knows how to use the Scan function on the copier.

Dog walking is emerging as a highly popular and lucrative ‘side hustle’, with owners paying $20 to $30 for a 30-minute walk. Experts warn that some dog walkers will try to cut the half-hour short by using Snausages with Laxatives.

 

 

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Lori Loughlin has been dropped by all Hallmark Channel productions following her arrest in a college admissions cheating & bribery scandal. “Ch-CHING!!” said Valerie Bertinelli’s agent.

The U.S. Senate blocked a resolution to make the entirety of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report public, but will consider a different resolution to convert the thousands of pages to Cliff Notes.

Actress and mom Keira Knightley said during her appearance on The Tonight Show that the children’s animated show ‘Paw Patrol’ is like “toddler crack”. Knightley faces a lawsuit from the makers of fortified juice box Toddler Crack.

Stanford University examined almost 100 million state & city police traffic stops from 2011 to 2017 and found black & latino drivers were more likely to be stopped and searched. Attractive women were more likely to be stopped and engaged in awkward conversation.

Butterball recalled 80,000 pounds of ground turkey after five people were sickened with salmonella, but it’s still full speed ahead for Chipotle’s new turkey gobbler burrito bowl.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will play a live show at Egypt’s legendary pyramids in Giza. The show is expected to draw a huge crowd of the group’s most loyal longtime fans – local mummies.

The Masked Singer champion, rapper T-Pain, told the crowd at the iHeartRadio Music Awards that when he first met Taylor Swift, he “headbutted” her boobs. T-Pain then signed on for Fox’s new celebrity storytelling competition, The Unmasked Pervert.

Britain’s Thomas Cook Airlines announced they’ll sell a row of three economy seats that can be converted into a bed, for somewhat-affluent creeps who want to grope other passengers or themselves while lying down.

At an employee-only event, Boeing debuted the world’s longest jumbo-jet, the 777X. Because of controversy over grounding of its 737 MAX jets, Boeing didn’t want to make a big splash with the 777 – at least not until a carrier tries flying one across an ocean.

Some U.S. airlines are discontinuing flights to Venezuela in the wake of that country’s civil turmoil.  Affected tour companies are refunding tickets to everyone who purchased a Electronic Blackout & Starvation spring break getaway.

 

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According to International Business Times, Queen Elizabeth II eats Special K cereal from a Tupperware bowl for breakfast most days — just like a regular person. Only three different servants feed it to her.

Democrat Kyrsten Sinema won the Arizona seat in the U.S. Senate, becoming the first openly bisexual U.S. Senator. “Alright!” said creepy Arizona men, before getting the explanation that “openly” doesn’t mean “open to anybody”.

Ozark, Missouri megachurch pastor John Lindell urged parishioners at his Assembly of God parish to stop going to yoga because it has “demonic roots”.  “This can’t be good for business!” said Ozark, Missouri’s top yoga instructor, Yogi Jethro.

CNN sued the Trump Administration, seeking the reinstatement of press credentials for barred reporter Jim Acosta.  White House lawyers promptly climbed the ladder that reaches to ceiling and put it on the pile of lawsuits.

Waka Flocka Flame announced that he’s ready to retire from rapping to start a family and become Waka Flocka Extinguished.

The Golden State Warriors are offering $100/month ‘In The Building Passes” to Oracle Arena, where fans can attend home games, but will have no seat and no view of live action except for TVs. They say the ‘not sitting and not seeing the game’ idea was inspired by fans bringing their 4-year-olds to games.

The FDA is recalling Losartan, a blood pressure medication, because it contains a cancer-causing impurity. Patients taking Losartan are being told to expect good news, then really bad news.

Petco announced that it will stop selling dog and cat food with artificial ingredients next year, a move hailed by house pets who eat excrement and garbage.

KFC added chicken & waffles to the menu for a limited time. People eating it can expect it to stay in their digestive system for a very, very limited time.

Marvel Comics pioneer Stan Lee died at age 95. His funeral will take place in two months. The eulogy is done, it’s just going to take a while to illustrate it.

 

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Britain is considering a ban on plastic straws, cotton swabs and other single-use items to protect the environment. No word if dental floss is under consideration, since most Brits seem to have never heard of it.

Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie angered taxpayers by committing to pay $85,000 in public funds for his official portrait – more than the cost of portraits for the three previous governors combined. The artist defended his fee, saying it’s difficult to find canvas and paint that stretches to keep getting bigger.

Photos inside the cabin of Southwest Airlines flight 1380, which made an emergency landing after an engine exploded, showed many passengers did not properly place oxygen masks over their nose and mouth. This worried federal safety regulators who want to ensure passengers are breathing freely when they think they’re going to die.

Brandy Hall of Ocean Springs, Mississippi took out a Facebook ad to find a gander to mate with her 2-year-old goose, Lucy – who had rejected several prospective mates for looking nothing like their Tinder photos.

April 20th is National School Walkout day to protest gun violence, and also the day several forgetful boys screwed up by staging elaborate high school Promposals during 3rd period when nobody’s in the building.

Alabama executed 83-year-old Walter Moody, the oldest prisoner executed in history. He was declared dead at 8:42pm. Lawyers argued his punishment was cruel and unusual, since he wouldn’t get to finish the episode of Matlock that he’d started watching at 8.

A tweet from toy maker Mattel’s official ‘Barbie’ twitter account revealed that Barbie has a last name – Roberts. Ken also has a last name, but he isn’t tweeting about it because he doesn’t want his wife to piece together what’s going on with Barbie.

The U.S. Senate unanimously passed a rule change allowing newborn babies on the Senate floor, in response to a request from Illinois Senator Tammy Duckworth, who just gave birth to a baby girl, Maile. Duckworth brought Maile to a voting session where she met Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and spit up.

YouTube is under fire for placing ads from well-known brands like Amazon, Hershey, Adidas and Hilton on videos promoting racism, pedophilia and North Korean propaganda. Under Armour is pausing all YouTube ads, adding that it is not the ‘Official Footwear and Fitness Apparel Brand of Nazis and Perverts’.

56-year-old grandmother Lois Ann Reiss, accused of two murders, was caught in Texas after a weeks-long manhunt. New information revealed that while on the run, she visited a Louisiana casino and won a jackpot prize. She faces two charges of murder, and one charge of failing to send her grandson a birthday card with money in it.

Netflix released its quarterly earnings, topping analyst estimates. They now have passed 125 million monthly subscribers, and 100 billion annoying program suggestions.

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Warren Sapp, fired from NFL Network in 2015 after hiring a prostitute at the Super Bowl, confirmed a network wardrobe stylist’s story that Sapp gave her sex toys as Christmas gifts three years in a row. Sapp said in a radio interview: “I’m still trying to figure out where’s the sexual harassment?”  Apparently, it was under the office Christmas tree.

Trump aide and former ‘Apprentice‘ contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned from her communications role and was reportedly escorted off the White House campus. President Trump tweeted his thanks for her service, then promptly hired ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ champion and Poison frontman Bret Michaels to pick up where she left off.

Documentary director Morgan Spurlock admitted to a history of sexual misconduct, as social media braced for a flood of Super Size Me jokes.

A U.K. surgeon was charged with assault after he admitted to carving his initials on the livers of his patients during transplant operations, after encasing their livers in wet concrete.

The San Francisco SPCA is using robot security guards to keep the homeless away from its campus. The SPCA said the robot costs $6/hour to operate, vs $16 or more for a human guard. “We’ll do it for free – just let us out of here a few hours” said SPCA resident dogs.

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said that he received a “very gracious” phone call from President Donald Trump.  Jones said Trump invited him to the White House, then gave him a list of Alabama barbecue restaurants and detailed take-out orders.

The White House withdrew its support for Brent Talley, a Trump nominee for a Federal judgeship who has never tried a case, and who’s been a lawyer for less than three years. Reached for comment, Talley said “Sustained!”

The CEO of Coinbase – one of the largest cryptocurrency exchanges and a popular tool for Bitcoin traders – authored a blog post urging people to “invest responsibly”. Asked to clarify ‘responsibly’, he said “not Bitcoin.”

In Philadelphia, a cow escaped from a live nativity scene. The cow was captured in a hotel parking garage and arrested for offering an undercover cop $50 to get milked.

Disney has finalized a $52.4 billion deal to acquire 20th Century Fox movie studio and other Fox film and tv assets – clearing the way for Die Hard: Mickey Mouse.

The U.S. Education Department reports that nearly 5 million Americans are in default on student loans, while the University of Phoenix reports record high placement in the food service and rideshare industries.