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A judge blocked the proposed merger of Spirit and Jet Blue airlines, saying it could harm consumers. Lawyers for Spirit argued the merger couldn’t possibly harm consumers more than flying Spirit Airlines.

Costco is testing a new system requiring members to scan their membership card to enter – and requiring them to scan $200 worth of bulk-packaged crap to exit.

Google is upgrading Google Maps so the app will work in underground tunnels. This is great news if you’re a driver who’s somehow worried about getting lost while driving in a tunnel

According to a new survey, longtime Tinder users say the app has been bad for their mental health, despite their genitals never being happier.

A 10-year-old boy was attacked at a Bahamas resort during a “swim with the sharks”. Not only did he get to swim with the sharks, he also got a free helicopter ride.

The state of Virginia is warning of measles exposure from a traveler who passed through Dulles Airport on January 3rd and Reagan Airport on January 4th. The measles achieved Platinum status on United.

SpaceX is holding a charity auction, with bidding starting at $15,000 to send an item to the International Space Station for a month. So far, the high bidder is Melania Trump, who won’t say who or what she’s sending.

Tim Hortons Donut shops in Buffalo are accused of making employees violate a travel ban during a blizzard to come to work. Shop owners said they did it because police were still working.

Imprisoned singer R. Kelly said he wasn’t aware he lost a $10.5 million judgement from women who claimed he victimized them, and that his illiteracy keeps him from understanding legal proceedings. As an example, Kelly claims he just learned his middle name is P.

Royal Caribbean took possession of the world’s largest cruise ship, the Icon Of The Seas. It has 20 decks, weighs 258,000 tons, and can accommodate 1,000 people vomiting at the same time.

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Police revealed that fugitive Brian Laundrie had been under surveillance since he returned to Florida after the disappearance of fiance Gabby Petito. They also revealed that it wasn’t exactly great surveillance.

18 former NBA players are charged in a $4 million health care fraud scheme. They deny the charges, but will likely take plea deals because none of them really want to play defense.

The Trump International Hotel in Washington DC accumulated $70 million in losses during Donald Trump’s four years as President – $10 million in operating losses, and $60 million in visiting dignitaries stealing towels.

California made ‘stealthing’ – removing a condom without verbal consent during intercourse – illegal. The verbal consent clause is a compromise from the original bill, which required both parties to sign the condom.

A judge sentenced an Illinois woman to four days in jail for coming too close to a grizzly bear and her cubs while taking photos in Yellowstone National Park. The bear also was granted the first-ever restraining order against a human in park history.

A California criminology professor was arrested and charged with arson for starting the state’s Cal Fire. The professor said he was running out of things to talk about in class.

Fox News turned 25 on Thursday, a milestone commemorated with a new special: “Fox News’ 50th Anniversary‘.

Despite the harmful effects to the environment, China has ordered increased production of coal, claiming there’s an energy shortage, and a record number of Chinese kids on Santa’s naughty list.

Researchers in Japan successfully tested a vaccination strategy in mice that could prevent not just COVID-19 but other coronavirus strains. The key to making it work in humans is finding a way to get them to eat the cheese or peanut butter.

A Waffle House employee at the center of a viral video controversy – she’s holding a baby while working in the kitchen – defended herself, saying she had no choice but to take the baby, her niece, to work. Critics say the problem isn’t the baby being there, it’s that the baby is smoking in a food prep area.

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Washington D.C. police investigated a possible explosive device in a pickup truck near the Library of Congress. Police were called after librarians repeatedly tried and failed to shush the truck.

More than 50 U.S. Senators called on President Biden to expedite the exit of U.S. citizens and allies from Afghanistan. Asked if they’d like to go there and help, they replied, “nah, we’re good”.

California’s Caldor wildfire became the largest U.S. wildfire named after a defunct discount department store.

Alex Rodriguez posed with the Porsche he gifted to ex-fiancee Jennifer Lopez on her 50th birthday. Rodriguez reportedly removed the ‘J-Lo’ license plates and seat covers, and Ben Affleck’s condoms from the glove box.

Facebook introduced Horizon Workrooms, a virtual reality meeting app using Oculus Quest VR headsets, where coworkers can create avatars, use virtual whiteboards, and safely picture each other naked.

MS Paint received its first update in over a decade, as Microsoft attempts to appeal to a new generation of users seeking to draw penises and breasts on internet photos.

A JetBlue passenger was fined $45,000 for throwing his carry on at passengers, lying in the aisle, and putting his head up the skirt of a flight attendant – who he’s now dating.

Retired NFL QB Brett Favre is telling parents to hold their kids out of full-contact tackle football until they’re 14, to avoid brain damage while they’re still developing. Favre wants to ensure kid’s brains function well enough to remember which women they sent dick pics to.

The Green Bay Packers showed off a new alternate uniform, inspired by the look the team sported in the 1950s, and further inspired by the desire to make money.

Astronomers discovered a previously undetected feature of the Milky Way galaxy – a rest area featuring a Roy Rogers.

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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.

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Crayola is being criticized for naming its new crayon ‘Bluetiful’ – with some saying it sends a bad message because Bluetiful is neither a color or a word. “It’s both now, bitches!” said a foul-mouthed girl who really likes to color.

Verizon will stop offering cell phone service in some areas of rural Montana, angering businesses as well as cattle who enjoy talking to friends & family in far away pastures.

President Trump angered critics by retweeting a gif depicting him hitting a golf ball that drills Hillary Clinton, causing her to fall as she boards a jet. Trump then cheated by not taking a two-stroke penalty for losing his ball out of bounds.

Vice President Mike Pence’s press secretary is leaving, said a White House source close enough to know that Mike Pence has actually had a press secretary all this time.

At a White House dinner to discuss DACA with President Trump, Democrat Nancy Pelosi reportedly rebutted interruptions by asking “Do the women get to talk around here?” — at which point Melania Trump silently shook her head side-to-side.

Pro-Trump “Mother Of All Rallies” in Washington, D.C. drew around 1,000 people instead of the million they’d targeted, making it the Absentee Mother Of All Rallies.

The Pewaukee, Wisconsin school district is requiring “dress-wearing” students planning to attend school dances to submit a photo of themselves wearing the dress. School officials will approve or reject the dress based on the school’s dress code, and gay male students will send feedback on how to look even more fabulous.

Serena Williams’ infant daughter Alexis Ohanian Jr already has her own Instagram account, and has already unfollowed Kendall Jenner.

September 16th is the most popular U.S. birth date, according to a Harvard professor, and according to women who got desperate around Christmas and New Year’s Eve.

U.S. home ownership rates are at their lowest level since the 1960s. New research says a big reason is that millennials value experiences over possessions; and an even bigger reason is that baby boomers favor screwing millennials over paying them fairly.

In Pisa, Italy, a robot conducted the Lucca Philharmonic Orchestra during a concert by opera singer Andrea Bocelli. After the show, an attractive cellist broke off an affair she’d been having with the conductor by unplugging him.