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A raccoon got stuck in a snack vending machine at Pine Ridge High School in Volusia County, Florida. Workers were able to free the raccoon, who then returned to its class teaching home economics to Florida teens.

A woman in Quebec survived a 5,000 foot freefall when her parachute failed to open. She suffered multiple non-life-threatening injuries, and vowed to keep trying to catch the Road Runner.

New Jersey’s Right-to-Die Law, providing life-ending medication for the terminally ill, was placed on hold. Everyone else dying to get out of New Jersey can go right ahead.

The mayor of El Paso, Texas claimed President Trump called him “RINO” – Republican in Name Only – when he corrected Trump during a visit to the city following a mass shooting. Unfortunately, PINO – President in Name Only – isn’t very catchy.

Asteroid 1990 MU – over 3 miles wide – could strike Earth in 2027. It’s as large as the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. Nevertheless, The Who will continue to tour in 2027.

Nora Kenney, daughter of Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney, was arrested for a late-night brawl outside a bar in Wildwood at the Jersey Shore. She was last seen jogging through the streets of South Philadelphia, trailed by children singing ‘Gonna Fly Now’.

Jeffrey Epstein and a young woman – possibly a lawyer – were reportedly left alone for hours in an attorney/client meeting room at a Manhattan prison. Epstein’s other attorneys are calling the meeting “one for the road”.

Google introduced reminders that can be left for family members and other contacts, such as “Tell George to take out the trash”; “Tell Mary to get groceries”; or “Tell George I don’t love him anymore”.

Scientists believe they’ve discovered a heretofore unknown sensory organ inside of the human skin. Dubbed the nociceptive glio-neural complex, it’s the nerve bundle that makes your skin crawl whenever you see Donald hold Melania’s hand.

Chipotle announced they’re giving an extra week’s pay to more than 2,600 employees at 135 restaurants as part of it’s “crew bonus” program. The bonuses are accompanied by a card reading “sorry about the E. coli”.

 

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Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham is pregnant. She’s looking forward to doing some plus-plus-sized modeling.

United Airlines tightened its alcohol guidelines for pilots; they’re now banned from consuming alcohol in the 12 hours prior to a flight. United pilots said they’re fine waiting until takeoff to get hammered.

Doctors are concerned about pregnant women smoking marijuana to deal with morning sickness. They say marijuana may impact fetal brain development, but admit the haze of smoke released during childbirth is kinda cool, and that the newborns are really chill.

Iowa Representative Steve King told a group of conservatives that humanity might not exist if not for rape and incest throughout human history. King then accepted the conservative group’s award for Smartest Man In Iowa.

The Barrington, Rhode Island team representing New England in the Little League World Series is denying sign-stealing accusations by the manager of the runner-up team from New Hampshire. Rhode Island’s manager denied the sign-stealing, saying he’s rubber and New Hampshire is glue.

Citing critical vulnerabilities in its software, Microsoft warned users of its Windows 10 operating system to update immediately — then immediately wait five hours for the update to finish.

Four Loko is introducing what it calls “the hardest seltzer in the Universe” at 14% alcohol by volume. The release date is unknown, but everyone assumes it coincides with the Gathering Of The Juggalos.

A man died during a taco eating contest at a minor league baseball game – he leaves behind a hard shell.

A French researcher studying ancient skeletons said Neanderthal men exposed to water and cold air suffered from “surfer’s ear”. He claims Neanderthals fell in the water more often due to difficulty staying upright surfing on pteradactyl beaks.

41% of millennials say they’ve considered skipping a friend’s wedding because they couldn’t afford the expenses. The other 59% are cool with their parents buying a gift.

Video circulated of Conor McGregor sucker-punching an old man in a Dublin, Ireland bar in a fight about whiskey — or, as it’s more commonly known, Irish Ultimate Fighting.

 

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Two guards at the Manhattan prison where Jeffrey Epstein killed himself have been placed on extended leave. Not the extended leave they were on when Epstein died — a different extended leave.

Dasani water will soon be sold in metal cans and bottles. Consumers can choose between Dasani Original and School Hallway Water Fountain flavors.

Comedian Whitney Cummings shared topless photos to shut down hackers extorting her after they accessed her iCloud. She then destroyed her iCloud by trying to back it up.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is the latest entrant to the hard seltzer market – Pabst research determined that the marketplace lacked a hard seltzer that tastes like shitty beer.

A new app claims to help Instagram influencers find the most optimal locations to take photos.  The app tells young women the best location is “anywhere you take your clothes off.”

Marlène Schiappa, the French minister for gender equality, called herself ‘sapiosexual’ – a term describing someone who’s attracted to a person’s intelligence more than their face or body. Melania Trump also called herself sapiosexual, for being attracted to a sap.

American Airlines apologized after leaving nine special needs children stranded in an airport for 13 hours. Worse, when they finally flew them home, they boarded in Group 8.

Apple may change the naming structure for iPhones away from Roman numerals. The successor to the iPhone XR [10 R] is rumored to be the iPhone 11. They’re also changing the pricing structure to say it will cost over $M.

A Swedish court found A$AP Rocky guilty of assault. He’s not expected to return to Sweden A$AP.

Placido Domingo is accused of sexual assault. The Bellagio in Las Vegas plans to take the Domingo song “Time To Say Goodbye” off of the soundtrack to its famous fountain shows, and replace it with Domingo singing “Boom Boom Boom Let’s Go Back To My Room”.

 

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A Frontier Airlines passenger shared a feel-good post about a flight attendant who helped calm a screaming baby en route to Denver. The baby stopped crying long enough to tell the flight attendant how much Frontier Airlines sucks.

Chick-fil-A will now offer macaroni & cheese in all restaurants. Brace yourself for every lowbrow food critic in your social media feed telling you what they think of it.

Cuba Gooding Jr will face trial on charges he groped a woman without consent. Thousands of “show me the money” jokes were shut down once he was released without bail.

The Trump Administration is proposing changes to the Endangered Species Act, supposedly to make it easier to enforce. Don Jr. and Eric continue to ask their father if the new law is ready yet so they can hunt pandas at the Washington National Zoo.

Following Jeffrey Epstein’s reported suicide by hanging, his autopsy was completed by the New York City medical examiner’s office. The coroner needs more information before certifying cause of death – information like ‘where did the bullet holes come from?’

An entomologist for the National Pest Management Association said travelers should store suitcases in hotel bathrooms to avoid bedbugs. The insect expert said bedbugs are rarely found in hotel bathrooms, because they’re afraid of the crab lice.

Cybersecurity experts warn of new malware; a program that waits for a user to go to a porn site, then starts recording the screen – including passwords – after they leave. Currently, the malware only targets French users, so to get those passwords, the hackers have to watch a lot of hairy-armpit porn.

Minneapolis, Minnesota banned drive-thru windows on any new businesses. Hopefully that cheeseburger is worth getting out of your car and risking frostbite.

Samsung is reportedly working on a fast-charging graphene cellphone battery to include with 2020 Galaxy handsets. The graphene batteries charge in a fraction of the time of Samsung’s lithium-ion batteries, but burn just as long.

Venice, Italy banned large cruise ships from entering the city’s historic center. They cited a large ship colliding with a dock, as well as damage caused by Mysterio’s battle with Spider-Man while Peter Parker vacationed there.

A tornado touched down in Amsterdam — blowing the whole city, not just visitors to the red light district.

 

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Sesame Place theme park banned a woman for life for telling a Muslim woman to “go back where she came from”. The banned woman’s rant was sponsored by the letter F.

Six players were ejected following a fight during a WNBA game between the Phoenix Mercury and Dallas Wings. Fans said they hadn’t seen that many women in braids brawling since any UFC undercard.

Kid Rock tweeted Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat so she can be cast in movies, and is willing to suck the door knob off of Hollyweird to get there. Celebrities condemned the tweet – Guy Fieri said he may ask Rock to return his key to the City of Flavortown.

According to a recent survey, 42% of parents claim they weren’t financially ready to have a child. The other 58% say they were financially ready, but feel let down by their choice of birth control.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth reportedly separated after being married only 8 months. Cyrus was spotted kissing a woman, so she and Hemsworth still have something in common.

In their annual rankings, University of California – Santa Barbara topped the list of colleges where students consume the most hard liquor. The results were challenged by University of Phoenix, who say most of their online students consume liquor during class.

Anheuser-Busch is expanding into the red-hot hard seltzer category with Natural Light Hard Seltzer. It’ll be 20% cheaper than industry leader White Claw, and will be marketed to bros who still want to get buzzed while they look for a better-paying job.

Police combatting anti-government protesters in Hong Kong fired tear gas into the subway. Subway riders were overcome by the chemical assault, calling it “almost as bad as the subway in Philadelphia.”

Two ambulances collided with each other in the Bronx, causing one to overturn and four injuries to emergency workers. “Call an ambulance” said someone, and they all had a good laugh about it.

Berlin is considering turning the former Tempelhof airport into a safe zone for legalized prostitution. German men won’t feel as inconvenienced when their friends ask for a ride to the airport.

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A Florida woman said lightning struck her septic tank and exploded her toilet. That’s her story, anyway.

An octopus attacked a Tacoma woman while she posed for a photo. The octopus was charged with sucking her face without consent.

Conde Nast Traveler published a how-to guide for purchasing a bereavement fare from a domestic airline. Step One? Kill somebody.

Oakland Raiders wideout Antonio Brown, dealing with a foot injury, reportedly suffered severe frostbite while using a cryotherapy machine. “Been there!” said a hiker reading the news while freezing to death on Mt Everest.

Travel rewards site The Points Guy named San Diego as the U.S.’ best airport. Orlando was the second-worst, meaning one of the Saddest Places on Earth is the gateway to the Happiest Place On Earth.

Jennifer Lopez shared a photo of an outfit she wears in concert, which fully exposes one of her buttocks. If you want to see all of her big ass, take a picture of Alex Rodriguez.

Lady Gaga told Allure magazine that she wants to have “tons of kids” – and to prove it, she’s sewing all kinds of weird outfits in newborn sizes.

FedEx is ending its contract to deliver packages with Amazon, saying they’ll no longer offer three-day delivery of shipments you paid to have delivered in one day.

An Ohio woman is suing a fertility clinic, claiming her embryo from a 1994 in vitro procedure was fertilized with a stranger’s sperm. As proof, she provided a DNA report that showed a 0% match for her husband, and a close match for the security guard at the clinic’s sperm bank.

Apple and drug maker Eli Lilly are partnering to determine if iPhones and Apple Watches can detect early signs of dementia. One sign may be an elderly person buying an iPhone or Apple Watch and forgetting to bother at least a dozen people showing it off.

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NFL Superstar Tom Brady spoke to ‘Men’s Health’ magazine for its September issue. The magazine asked healthy-eater Brady what foods he has on his “cheat days”. Brady said he doesn’t remember what he eats before he has the air let out of footballs.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a blind man who claims he couldn’t order a Domino’s Pizza at their website. Lower courts ruled not being able to get Domino’s Pizza made the blind man lucky.

Comcast/Xfinity will now offer their $10 Internet Essentials broadband product to anyone on limited income or government assistance. A Comcast spokesman announced the move, saying “terrible customer service isn’t just for rich people anymore!”

In the wake of a mass shooting, President Trump will visit El Paso, Texas – although many residents want him to stay away. Trump has now visited the sites of so many tragedies, he asked aides if this visit is a “thoughts & prayers” one, or a paper-towel-tossing one.

Disney announced a remake of ‘Home Alone’ for its new Disney+ streaming service. The story reimagines Kevin McAllister as a kid with a cell phone, and the movie is over in ten minutes.

A Walmart employee is urging a workers’ strike to get the retailer to stop selling guns. Walmart executives are concerned that they won’t be able to tell the difference between the striking employees and the ones still on the clock.

Two robbers stole 1,567 gold coins valued at $2.5 million from Mexico’s mint. Police are on the lookout for suspects with saggy, noisy pockets.

Researchers in Asia developed Arque, a robotic tail to be worn by humans that assists them in maintaining balance. It’s designed to be worn when ascending steep inclines, carrying heavy objects, or if you’re a rich alcoholic.

Highway patrol officers have a new tool to detect drivers impaired by marijuana. It’s called the Drager DrugTest 5000. It consists of a mouth swab, and a voice assistant that asks “are you holding?”

Editors Note:

Philadelphia comedian, family man & friend Michael Brooks passed away on Monday. I worked with him lots of times. A great hugger, a fine & unique talent, and a performer that crowds loved and who always delivered a fun, energetic show. He’s survived by his wife and young daughter, so please keep some positive thoughts in memory of a great guy.DSC_2252 (1)

 

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Olivia Newton John is auctioning off the black leather jacket & pants she wore as “bad girl Sandy” at the end of ‘Grease’. Her only stipulation is that the auctioneer close bidding by saying “going once..going twice..tell me about it, stud.”

R. Kelly was charged in Minnesota with prostitution and illegal contact with an underaged girl. He already faces charges in New York and Chicago, and will almost certainly be adding more cities to this tour.

Amazon is accused of selling books that promote hatred and white supremacy in its online store — and audio versions of the same books read by White House aide Stephen Miller.

GateHouse Media is merging with Gannett to create the U.S.’ largest newspaper company. It’s the biggest company ever to make a product that nobody wants anymore.

To minimize the nuisance from seagulls, Ocean City, New Jersey hired East Coast Falcons to release trained hawks, falcons & owls to repel the gulls. So far it’s working, but officials received multiple complaints about Speedo-clad hawks bothering women on the beach. 

A new study finds bowls at Chipotle contain cancer-linked non-boiodegradable chemicals. Said a Chipotle spokesperson, “it’s called guacamole”.

A Phoenix postal worker cooked a steak on the dashboard of his delivery truck to draw attention to the “inhumane” working conditions during the Arizona heat wave. He then delivered the steak to the wrong Grubhub customer.

Scottish scientists created an artifical tongue that can identify authentic Scotch whiskey with 99% accuracy and catch counterfeit alcohol. They hope to put the tongues in widespread use once they stop lab employees from stealing and sucking the whiskey out of them.

The NFL’s Houston Texans kicked rookie cornerback Lonnie Johnson, Jr out of a practice against the Green Bay Packers for hitting Packers receivers too hard. Texans coach Bill O’Brien told Johnson to save those concussions for the regular season.

Google is introducing a feature for Android phones where a robotic voice can speak on your behalf to 911 operators. It recognizes phrases like “I’m having a heart attack”, “my house is on fire” and “where is my pizza?”

Following their devaluation of the yuan to minimize tariff impacts, the Trump Administration called China “currency manipulators”. Asked to explain what that means, President Trump said China manipulates its currency to look nothing like U.S. dollars.

 

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A new company is using Artificial Intelligence to help bartenders determine who to serve next in a crowded bar. The AI identifies which customer has the largest breasts.

In India, a 7-year-old boy underwent a procedure to have 526 teeth removed from his jaw…and boy is his bully’s arm tired.

A man speaking into his Apple Watch helped first responders locate him in the rubble of his collapsed house. It’s believed to be the first time anyone moved closer to a douchebag talking into their Apple Watch.

The CrossFit Games wrapped up over the weekend in Madison Wisconsin. Wisconsin dairy farmers want to know when they’re getting their goddamned tractor tires back.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at his Kentucky home and fractured his shoulder. He was transported to a local hospital, where doctors took x-rays to rule out an injury to his backbone, before determining that he doesn’t have one.

A man in Spain was arrested after filming a video throwing a refrigerator off of a cliff. He was ordered by police to haul the refrigerator back up, and was ordered by his wife to clean out the rotten produce drawer.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released its list of unhealthiest foods from chain restaurants. Their worst offender is Sonic’s Oreo Peanut Butter Master Shake, which has 1,700 calories, and, they claim, is like eating 15 Oreos with a cup of lard. A Sonic spokesperson clarified that the cup of lard costs extra.

Egyptian officials say that King Tut’s coffin is in “very bad condition”, adding “and that’s just the outside.”

The author of a viral post claims to have found a hot dog that tastes like steak. They discovered it by trying the steak at Golden Corral.

The Philadelphia Phillies are suing the company that created their Phillie Phanatic mascot to keep it from working for other teams.  Agents for the Phanatic want more money, and say the Phillies are already paying millions to other guys in Phillies jerseys who can’t hit or pitch.