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New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, 42, said she’s resigning rather than seeking reelection because she lacks the energy to continue in the job. “Hint, hint” said U.S. Democrats.

The Federal Government reached its debt ceiling limit, admitting it overspent on Christmas presents.

Meghan Markle’s mother said in the Netflix documentary ‘Harry & Meghan‘ that she regrets not making her daughter more aware of racial prejudice. “That’s okay, we took care of it” said Britain’s Royal Family.

Kim Kardashian bought a diamond-&-amethyst cross necklace owned by Princess Diana for $197,000. She plans to wear it for good luck when she’s being chased by paparazzi in her car.

Sports Illustrated 2023 Swimsuit Issue’s newest ‘Rookie’ is 40-year-old mom & fitness influencer Melissa Wood-Tepperberg. To make room for the her and another Rookie, SI announced two Veteran models who gained 10 pounds were released.

Alec Baldwin is now charged in the shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins on the set of ‘Rust‘. Baldwin’s name will go above the title of his next project, Involuntary Manslaughter Trial.

Dozens of inmates in Texas prisons are in the second week of hunger strikes, to protest their indefinite solitary confinement. Although some are eating but just saying they’re on strike, since there aren’t any cellmates to snitch on them lying about it.

Republican Congressman George Santos dressed as drag queen ‘Kitara’ while in Brazil in 2008, disqualifying him from reading at Kirk Cameron Library StoryTime.

A city council meeting held via Zoom in Flintshire, Wales was interrupted by a man who hacked into it, masturbated on camera, and said “Cum. I want you to cum with me.” He was removed, and his suggestion was narrowly voted down 6-5.

Michigan firefighters came to the rescue of a sheep who wandered out on a partially-frozen lake and fell through the ice. The fire chief warned residents to be more careful, saying this “could happen to anyone, even ewe..”

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A Meet & Greet with Kyle Rittenhouse at the Venetian Hotel during the Las Vegas SHOT Show was cancelled, with the venue saying it didn’t “align with our core events guidelines”. That, and Rittenhouse shot three unarmed people wearing Black Lives Matter t-shirts in the lobby.

Chrisley Knows Best stars Todd and Julie Chrisley each reported to serve their prison sentences following their conviction for tax fraud. Todd said that he’s “closer to God than ever” – God, in this case, is what he calls his cellmate.

Microsoft plans to announce major layoffs. When? Zune.

Dallas Cowboys kicker Brett Maher missed four straight extra point attempts in the team’s playoff win, setting a record. They plan to stick with Maher, after teammates’ attempts to kick him off the team missed.

A 13-year-old girl led Nebraska State Police on a highway chase reaching speeds of 100mph before successfully intervening to stop the car. The 11-year-old boy in the passenger seat told cops that’s the last time he’s letting his wife drive.

Donald Trump’s 2024 presidential campaign requested that he be reinstated on Facebook. It’s not looking good, since Facebook replied ‘Interested’.

Massachusetts murder suspect Brian Walshe – accused in the killing of his wife – used his 6-year-old son’s iPad to search “how to stop a body from decomposing”. Cops also found a search for “why does my peepee hurt?” but the kid admitted that was his.

A Louisiana woman stabbed her boyfriend after he urinated in their bed after a night of heavy drinking. She expressed regret for her actions, because now there are two tough-to-get-out stains on the sheets.

TSA agents at San Antonio Airport seized an 84mm caliber anti-tank weapon from a passenger’s checked baggage. The passenger was detained, but subsequently arrested for carrying a 4-ounce bottle of shampoo in their carry-on.

A man in Washington state attempted to abduct a female barista by pulling her through the drive-thru window of a coffee shop. He failed, and was later arrested when he pulled back around to get the muffin he forgot.

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Philadelphia has temporarily discontinued horse-drawn carriage rides in the city. They announced tentative plans to introduce electric carriages, just as soon as they can do so without electrocuting horses.

Upper Darby, Pennsylvania Police found a dead body discarded in a mattress. They plan to detain and question the mattress because it has memory foam.

Messina Denaro, Italy’s most wanted fugitive mafia boss, was captured after 30 years while receiving cancer treatment. His freedom is currently in remission.

Delta and American Airlines passenger jets nearly collided on the ground at JFK Airport as they prepared for takeoff. Airport officials are considering changing the 4-way stop at the runways’ intersection.

China’s population dropped for the first time in decades. Officials blamed COVID deaths, then cancelled 2nd & 3rd shifts at the condom and Plan B factories.

GM introduced the $104,000 Corvette E-Ray, a hybrid electric version of their classic sports car, for environmentally conscious men with small penises.

Wizards of the Coast, owners of Dungeons & Dragons, are changing their licensing agreement, requiring any content creator who makes over $750,000 from D&D to pay a 25% royalty. Worse, these same dorks will be required to pay another 25% in rent to live in their parents basement.

Britney Spears and husband Sam Asghari denied reports of Britney having a manic episode at a restaurant. Later that night, Britney posted a video dancing while giving the finger. Meanwhile the restaurant owners hope Britney’s never heard of Yelp.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers WR Russell Gage was immobilized and taken to a hospital for evaluation of a head & neck injury late in the Bucs’ playoff loss to the Dallas Cowboys. “Hey, at least nobody died for a minute this time, right?” said glass-half-full NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

An Australian model said she suffers from gigantomastia, a rare condition where her breasts won’t stop growing. Meanwhile, website programmers at Pornhub are busily adding Gigantomastia to the menu between Gangbang and Groups.

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Atlantic City’s Mayor gave his State Of The City address, with plans to make the city more appealing to families. To help with that, Atlantic City prostitutes introduced new family plans.

Delaware’s Department of Motor Vehicles introduced a new virtual queue that lets you wait in your car instead of the office. Three drivers died after waiting several hours in hot cars.

Starbucks is ordering headquarters workers to report to the office 3 days a week. People who don’t work there can now ask employees to use the bathroom.

At least eight high school football players in Texas were hospitalized after their coach made them do 400 push-ups as punishment. The coach was suspended after the team was hit with 14 consecutive delay-of-game penalties.

The Trump Organization was fined $1.6 million in penalties after felony convictions for tax fraud. Then they were told they couldn’t pay the fine in Trump NFTs.

Kanye West is rumored to have secretly married Bianca Censori, who is a ‘architectural designer’ for Yeezy. Meaning, she laces up the sneakers.

Pepsi is updating its Zero Sugar beverage formula to give it more of a ‘real cola’ taste – it’ll be called Pepsi Lots Of Sugar.

A Connecticut family found a male black bear hibernating under their deck, and local wildlife officials said to leave it alone. The bear went back to sleep, and hopes they forget about him until the backyard toddler birthday party in March.

Director Michael Bay faces charges of killing a pigeon during a film shoot in Italy five years ago. Meanwhile a 12-year-old boy remains at large while shooting dozens of pigeons in a TikTok shoot after getting a bb gun for Christmas.

An 82-year-old Canadian man broke the Guinness World Record as the oldest person to perform a headstand. He also broke an unofficial record by becoming the oldest man to hit himself in the nose with his own balls.

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The newest TikTok trend is ‘banana botox’ – rubbing a banana peel on your face to remove wrinkles and tighten pores. Hundreds of users report more youthful skin, but also more sprains and concussions from slipping on banana peels.

80s hair metal icons Twisted Sister are planning a one-off reunion show as Your Twisted Much Older Sister.

Shuttered New York City comedy club Carolines is reportedly being replaced by a high-end ping-pong club. But just to be safe they’ve already banned Chris D’Elia.

More classified documents were found in Joe Biden’s garage. Some were classified documents, others were ‘Classified’ folders hiding back issues of Juggs.

Grand slam tennis champion Naomi Osaka is pregnant. No word whether this was a planned pregnancy, or a condom/birth control pill double-fault.

Pope Francis will deliver remarks at the funeral of Cardinal George Pell, a convicted, then exonerated, child molester who criticized Francis’ inclusion of LGBTQ Catholics. It’s expected to be the first papal address to begin “So long, asshole…”.

A Michigan school district is under fire for a 6th Grade field trip to the Detroit Symphony that ended with students in an adult lounge with stripper poles, adjacent to the restaurant where they ate pizza. The manager of the strip club was quoted saying some of the students “have real potential”.

MacKenzie Scott, billionaire ex-wife of Jeff Bezos, finalized her divorce from second husband Dan Jewett after just one year of marriage. A prenuptial agreement was in place, so he probably won’t get Amazon stock, but will split custody of the Prime Video account to watch Thursday Night Football.

A new study finds 45% of single men wait up to four months before washing bedsheets, or until their dogs decide to sleep somewhere else.

Kanye West was seen dining with a mystery woman in Los Angeles, that he met on No-Jdate.

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Bills safety Damar Hamlin was released from a Cincinnati hospital and returned to Buffalo – marking one of the first times a trip to Buffalo in January is considered an upgrade.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown residents and business owners formed a coalition opposed to the Philadelphia 76ers building a new downtown arena, saying it would cause gridlock. They were joined in their opposition to gridlock by hundreds of the city’s carjackers.

Instagram is redesigning their home page. The new, simpler navigation will be split between ‘Tits’ and ‘Other Things’.

Passengers were stuck on an Amtrak train for over 24 hours in South Carolina. In a statement, Southwest Airlines denied reports it had acquired Amtrak.

A Norfolk, Massachusetts man spent $450 on cleaning supplies at Home Depot following the disappearance of his wife. The man denies any involvement, and just wants his wife to come home and get her birthday presents.

Classified government documents were found in a locked closet at the Penn Biden Center, a joint venture think tank between the University of Pennsylvania and President Biden. Far fewer documents were found there than at Donald Trump’s joint venture think tank, the McDonaldland Mar a Lago Center.

Lynette Hardaway, an African-American Trump supporter who, along with her sister Rochelle Richardson, formed conservative duo ‘Diamond & Silk’, passed away. In other news, ‘Blacks For Trump’ announced a name change to ‘A Black For Trump’.

The Federal Aviation Administration grounded all U.S. flights after a computer outage. Things were up & running again after they spent two hours in the tech support queue at Comcast Business Internet.

Pepsi is replacing lemon-lime soda brand Sierra Mist with Starry. They said it sort of rhymes with ‘sorry’, as in “Sorry, we don’t have Sprite, we have Starry”.

New York City nurses are on strike. Greyhound, Bolt Bus and Megabus are all offering express service to Philadelphia & Chicago, cities better equipped to deal with gunshot wounds.

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A former cop & his teacher wife were sentenced to 100, and 41 years in prison, respectively, for sex crimes against children, including her serving students cupcakes with his semen in them. The only cupcakes worse than the white ones were the yellow ones.

Delta Airlines is rolling out free wifi on their jets. Calls to customer service to fix wifi issues cost $199.

Bam Margera said he died for a brief time from COVID. Luckily his former Jackass costars were there to resuscitate him by taping a fork to his hand and shoving it in a wall outlet.

A Wells Fargo bank vice president was arrested for urinating on an Air India passenger. The victim was then upgraded to coach from their seat in lavatory class.

Two humpback whales washed up on Atlantic City beaches in the last month, delighting everyone who took the Over on 1.5 washed-up whales in December.

An Arkansas judge was arrested for soliciting sex from a woman in exchange for a more lenient sentence for her defendant/boyfriend. The woman said he summoned her to judge’s chambers, which were in a Motel 6.

Insurrectionists stormed Brazil’s government buildings in an attempt to restore defeated former President Jair Bolsonaro to power, in what will be known as the January 8th Brazilian Bolsonaro Lift.

For the first time, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommended giving weight-loss drugs to obese children. Drug makers are frantically attempting to make obesity drugs shaped like The Flintstones.

Gisele Bundchen returned to modeling following her divorce from Tom Brady. However she gained five pounds and entered obesity protocol.

Consumer Reports found unacceptably high levels of lead in dark chocolate candy bars. The good news is, young children find them a much more flavorful alternative to paint chips.

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Electronics maker Withings introduced the U-Scan, a toilet sensor that analyzes urine for nutritional and metabolic levels. A sensor for women goes in the bowl, the sensor for men goes on the floor next to it.

Dunkin is partnering with the American Red Cross to encourage blood donations. They’re offering a free drink to anyone who donates blood, provided they haven’t drunk Dunkin coffee in the past 60 days.

Idaho murder suspect Bryan Kohberger reportedly applied for a police internship. He was rejected based on his preference for stabbing innocent people instead of shooting them.

Ovidio Guzman, son of Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested in Mexico. Federal police say he’s the leader of the Sinaloa drug cartel, making him a Chipo off the ol’ Chapo.

A doctor battled to save the life of a passenger whose heart stopped twice on a 5-hour flight from the UK to India. The doctor restored the heartbeat once, then the passenger ate the in-flight chicken salad sandwich and it stopped again.

In an effort to restore goodwill, Southwest Airlines is giving 25,000 frequent flyer miles in addition to refunds to passengers impacted by the 15,000 flights it cancelled. Then Southwest announced it was cancelling their frequent flyer program.

Ukraine rejected Russia’s call for a cease fire during their war to observe Russian Orthodox Christmas. Just in case, Russian Orthodox Santa Claus outfitted his reindeer with body armor and upgraded his sleigh’s missile defense system.

GOP Congressman Kevin McCarthy lost 11 consecutive votes in a bid to become Speaker of the House. The good news is he was unanimously voted Mr. Congeniality.

Prince Harry is being criticized for a claim in his new autobiography that he killed 25 Taliban fighters during his tour in Afghanistan with the British Army. However, the Taliban admits multiple soldiers choked to death on scones Harry gave them.

Amidst mounting losses and large debt, a major household retailer plans to file for Bed Bath & Bankruptcy.

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A youth hockey coach was fired after reaching over the boards and knocking down an opposing team’s 14-year-old player during a tournament. He was subsequently fired from his coaching position after sitting two minutes for interference.

Accused Idaho murderer Bryan Kohberger arrived back in the state on Wednesday after extradition from Pennsylvania – the first person in the U.S. to willingly travel to Idaho in January without skis.

Honda and Sony debuted the Afeela, the first electric car from their planned joint venture. It’ll have autonomous driving features and Sony gaming features, so drivers can play PlayStation games while the car crashes itself into a tree.

Amazon announced it’s cutting over 18,000 jobs, mostly in e*commerce and human resources. The human resources people were asked to help fire employees, and then summoned to a room with a full-length mirror in it.

An Arizona man was arrested for indecent exposure while picking up a drive-thru coffee order at Bikini Beans, where servers are clad in bikinis. His penis went from tall to grande.

A man suffered a broken neck, nine broken ribs, and a fractured skull after tripping over his cat while going down the stairs at his home. The cat is still pissed off waiting to be fed.

An Indian man who lost his wife to COVID created a lifelike silicone model of her after she died. The model sits next to him on his couch, and features a little extra silicone to help him pass the time.

A London woman went blind after giving birth to a baby. Her mother was called in to help after she repeatedly breast fed her hairless cat.

Archaeologists in Germany determined early humans skinned bears and other prehistoric animals to wear their fur over 300,000 years ago. They also discovered a lot of prehistoric single moms whose husbands died trying to get them fur coats.

Fans of Celine Dion are outraged at the singer’s omission from Rolling Stone magazine’s list of the all-time greatest 200 singers. “Tell me about it” said similarly shocked Lou Bega and members of Color Me Badd.

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Twenty-two people were injured when an SUV crashed in to a New York City restaurant. The hostess ignored it for a half-hour because the driver didn’t have a reservation.

The late Pope Benedict’s last words were reportedly “Jesus, I love you” … only he said it to a naked 17-year-old boy standing at his bedside.

Southwest Airlines was hit with its first lawsuit for not providing refunds after cancelling over 15,000 flights. Passengers rejected Southwest’s initial offer of peanuts.

An 87-year-old Philaelphia woman was struck in the shoulder by gunfire while celebrating New Year’s Eve on her front porch. She’s now earned her place as the oldest living member of the Philadelphia chapter of the Crips.

The House of Representatives failed to elect Kevin McCarthy as Speaker of the House, the first time in over 100 years a Speaker was not elected on the first ballot. McCarthy received only 203 of the required 218 votes needed. Adding insult to injury, 10 votes were received by Deez Nutz.

A 77-year-old man was rescued after becoming stuck in a drive-thru car wash when he hit the accelerator and the car flipped on its side. He was treated for minor leg injuries and hot wax inhalation.

Accused Idaho Four murder suspect Bryan Kohberger waived extradition and was scheduled to return to Idaho Wednesday morning. As of Wednesday afternoon he was still handcuffed in the Southwest boarding area after two flights were cancelled.

Drew Barrymore said the one actor who could convince her to return to acting is Adam Sandler, or someone else with a convincingly big enough check.

Sharon Osbourne revealed that daughter Kelly has welcomed a baby boy, Sidney. They wanted to keep the name at two syllables so Grampa Ozzy has a fair chance at remembering it and saying it right.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ is expected to cause a major flooding event in large parts of California, making real estate even more expensive since more of it will be waterfront.