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New Zealand banned tobacco purchases to anyone born after 2008. Public schools will have counselors available to help 13-year-olds determine how they can look cool.

Oregon’s Governor Kate Brown commuted the death sentences of the state’s 17 prisoners awaiting execution. Some are relieved to serve life without parole, others are disappointed they won’t ever get that ribeye steak last meal.

Today marks the 10=year anniversary of the Sandy Hook shootings. Or, as InfoWars Alex Jones calls it, Wednesday.

A fan brawl erupted at the Boston Bruins/Arizona Coyotes hockey game last Friday, with one man having the tip of their finger bitten off. The fingertip was located and tossed on the ice in a failed effort to save it.

Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach and TJ Holmes have not been together since they were taken off the air for their sexual affair. They’re concerned about getting their jobs back, and more concerned they won’t be shown where to get great last-minute Steals & Deals this holiday season.

China’s hospitals are overrun with new COVID patients after the country loosened restrictions. Worse, patients served Chinese hospital meals are all hungry again a half-hour later.

Researchers determined snakes have a clitoris. “Where?” asked male snakes.

Review website Metacritic released its annual list of the worst video games for the Nintendo Switch console. The Worst Game of the Year was Postal 4, followed by Super Mario Bros Doing Actual Plumbing Jobs.

Patty Jenkins, director of Wonder Woman and Wonder Woman 1984 disputed claims that Warner Bros. studio cancelled Wonder Woman 3 because she walked away from the project. However, Jenkins refused to answer questions while cinched in the Lariat of Truth.

Josie Leinart, wife of former NFL quarterback Matt Leinart, is hosting ‘Women of the League‘, a show where she counsels wives and girlfriends of NFL players. Her first advice is helping the women ask their men why, if they’re millionaires, they have second phones from Boost Mobile.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, founder of bankrupt cryptocurrency exchange FTX, was arrested and charged with multiple counts of defrauding investors. Since Bankman-Fried was scheduled to testify before Congress today, the Speaker of the House will show a movie instead.

Subaru is recalling 270,000 Ascent SUVs because of a fire risk. They advise owners that if the car catches fire, to drive it into a snowbank, then use the reliable all-wheel drive to get out of it.

The cancellation of Bankman-Fried’s testimony is disappointing to people wanting to hear a Congressman ask him how Batcoin works.

Donald Trump said on Truth Social that he’d refused a prisoner swap with Russia of Viktor ‘Merchant Of Death’ Bout for Paul Whelan, saying Bout was a ruthless arms dealer and also turned down his invitation to be commencement speaker at Trump University

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit showrunner David Graziano is accused of ‘toxic behavior, bullying and misogyny’. NBC will bring in an elite investigative team because some of the incidents are especially heinous.

After cancelling the general public sale for Taylor Swift’s upcoming tour, Ticketmaster announced that Swift’s ‘Verified Fans’ will get a second chance to go online and be f**ked over.

United Airlines purchased over 100 new Boeing Dreamliners to replace aging jets. The new jets are more fuel-efficient, and have wrist and torso restraints built into the seats to save money on duct tape.

The U.S. successfully created energy from a nuclear fusion reaction – a breakthrough step that could reduce reliance on fossil fuels. General Motors announced they’ll use the technology to produce the first nuclear car, then recall the car for exposing drivers to radiation poisoning.

The NBA renamed the Most Valuable Player honor as The Michael Jordan MVP Award, making the trophy statue in his likeness. They also created a trophy of Charles Barkley & Shaquille O’Neal sitting together, honoring the player who eats the most at the postgame buffet.

The Catholic Archdiocese of Philadelphia announced the closing of four churches in the city’s suburbs. Despite the downsizing, shy, handsome altar boys will be offered positions at churches remaining open.

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A Japanese company sent an orange-sized sphere into space, capable of transforming to a tiny lunar rover once it reaches the moon. Only they had to send a follow-up rocket because the batteries weren’t included.

Comedian Dave Chappelle brought out Elon Musk as a surprise guest at a show in San Francisco, where Musk spotted several Twitter employees in the audience and dragged them back to the office to work overnight.

Senator Bernie Sanders accused newly-independent Senator Kyrsten Sinema of sabotaging Democrat-sponsored legislation, and because she’s bisexual, of bringing plus-2s to the Senate Christmas party.

Crews in Philadelphia removed a box which had covered a statue of Christopher Columbus that the City wanted removed, but which stayed due to a judge’s ruling. When they removed the box, they discovered statues of corpses of indigenous people that Columbus murdered.

Britney Griner dunked a basketball for the first time since returning to the U.S. after her release from a Russian prison. She hasn’t decided if she’ll return to the WNBA, since she doesn’t know when she’ll be ready to play in front of two dozen people.

A new study finds every hour small children spend playing video games or watching videos increases the likelihood that they’ll develop obsessive compulsive disorder, and the likelihood that they’ll be nearly unbeatable in Fortnite.

Data collected between 2008 and 2019 show more U.S. adults combined alcohol use with marijuana use as states legalized pot, in what behavioral scientists now refer to as A Bitchin’ Double-Buzz.

A New Hampshire man died falling off the summit of Mt. Willard while taking photos with his wife during a hike. The wife requests privacy during this difficult time of deciding which pic to send to Shutterfly for the Xmas card.

Former Navy SEAL Chris Beck, who transitioned to Kristin Beck 10 years ago, announced that he’s detransitioning. He warned of the dangers of transgender health services on children, and of the difficulty getting fair value for Lane Bryant gift cards he no longer needs.

Following a blowout loss to the San Francisco 49ers, Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady was heard angrily saying “f##k that” – causing 49ers cheerleaders to line up until they were told he was talking about the game.

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Arizona’s U.S. Senator Kyrsten Sinema is leaving the Democratic Party and registering as an Independent. Sinema says she’s bisexual, bipartisan, and you can bi her votes.

Britney Griner is back in the U.S. following a prisoner swap with Russian arms dealer Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout. MerchantofDeath.com is already offering a Christimas buy one, get one free offer on guided missile-launching drones.

CBS This Morning co-anchor Gayle King said that the Good Morning America co-host affair between T.J. Holmes and Amy Robach is “messy” and “sloppy” – not like the buttoned-up action she gets with bestie Oprah.

Crypto executive Sam Bankman-Fried said he’ll testify before Congress about the collapse of FTX, provided Congress is willing to fly to the Bahamas.

Philadelphia Police used forensic DNA to finally identified The Boy In The Box – a 1957 murder victim – as Joseph Augustus Zarelli. They say they’ll no longer refer to him as The Boy In The Box, and will start calling him Jaz.

Elon Musk said Twitter is developing software to show if you’ve been ‘shadowbanned’, or, more likely, that ‘no one Likes what you have to say’.

Actress Jennifer Lawrence said in an interview that her Hunger Games role was the first time a woman starred an action movie. She was met with hostile disagreement by every female star who saw action in porn.

Frontier Airlines said they’ve shut down all their customer service phone lines, and will only field customer inquiries via chat. They say that 99 percent of what customers type in chats are all caps.

Google added a feature to its Pixel phones so Wifi stays on when users enter Airplane Mode – so that they can comply with air carrier requirements, while still being able to bitch about how terrible the inflight Wifi is.

A new law in South Korea standardizes citizens age. Many South Koreans consider newborns 1 year old instead of 0, so the new standard will lower most ages by at least a year. This is good news for most everyone except guys with teen girifriends they thought were legal.

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WNBA star Britney Griner was released from a Russian detention camp and will return to the U.S. in a prisoner swap for a convicted Russian arms dealer, after the Russians repeatedly refused the U.S.’ offer of Ben Simmons.

The Taliban staged their first public execution since retaking control of their country – angering citizens who had tuned in expecting to see the latest installment of Afghanistan’s Got Talent.

A Florida man was arrested for having sex with a dog, and wrecking a nearby church nativity display. Other neighborhood dogs were warned to be on the lookout for Manger Danger.

Singer Celine Dion cancelled concerts, saying she’s been diagnosed with a neurological condition called ‘stiff person syndrome’. Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said it never stopped him.

Google will combine the personnel of their two navigation apps, Google Maps and Waze, resulting in dozens of employees receiving directions to the nearest unemployment office.

The FBI criticized Apple’s move to implement end-to-end encryption on user data stored via iCloud, so that only authorized devices can decrypt it. They cited as evidence the Oath Keepers decision to switch executive Christmas gifts from AR-15s to iPhone 14s.

Nantucket legalized topless beaches for all genders, meaning more male beachgoers can potentially qualify to be that guy in the limerick.

Elon Musk criticized the City of San Francisco for investigating Twitter offices after he installed beds for “tired workers”. The city just wants to make sure nobody is having sex in Office SpaceXXX.

Actress Christina Applegate revealed how she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, saying it “sucked balls”. Her doctor was quick to point out that’s not really how you get MS.

A puppy survived after swimming across the Hudson River from New York until it was rescued under a New Jersey pier. Although the puppy admitted it didn’t exactly swim the whole way, it was able to walk on floating bodies for long stretches of the trip.

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Kraft Foods is testing a plant-based Philadelphia Cream Cheese. Philadelphians in the product trial will put in on bagels, then throw it at visiting New York Giants players.

A McDonald’s franchisee in the Pittsburgh area was found in violation of multiple child labor laws. The investigation was brought on by a whistleblower whose one-piece footie pajamas caught fire while operating a deep fryer.

Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen will have her signature on U.S. currency. Although there isn’t enough room on the bills for “Put on a sweater, you’ll catch cold. Janet Yellen”.

Kim Jong Un told North Koreans to give their children patriotic names like Chung Sim (loyalty), Chong Il (gun), Pok Il (bomb) or Ui Song (satellite). In other news, the North Korean Gerber Baby contest winner was named, it’s Chung Chong Pok Song [Loyal Gun Bomb Satellite].

The New York Yankees are reportedly resigning slugger Aaron Judge to a 9-year, $360 million contract. It’s the largest payment to a Judge since Donald Trump paid Aileen Cannon before her rulings in the Mar-a-Lago documents case.

Time Magazine’s 2022 Person of the Year is Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. They cited his leadership of Ukraine during the Russian invasion, and the fact that so may people know who he is despite not having a TikTok account.

A new study finds winter is worse for cold, flu & COVID viruses because temperature drops limit immune response in the nose. Doctors say to wash your hands and stick your fingers in your nostrils to warm things up and get your nose in fighting shape.

The very last Boeing 747 jumbo jet was completed, ending the aircraft’s iconic run. It will be placed into immediate service flying Kylie Jenner 12 miles to yoga class.

Herschel Walker was defeated in his attempt to become U.S. Senator representing Georgia. Walker’s stat line: 1 run; no gain.

Microsoft signed a 10-year deal to bring Call of Duty games to Nintendo platforms. “It’s a-me! Heavy enemy fire! I’m-a getting my-a f**king head-a blown off!!” said a wounded soldier in the bloody Battle Of Mushroom Kingdom.

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Outsiders are questioning why a former Amazon executive is being paid $800,000 per year to run the Bezos Academy Preschool, founded by Jeff Bezos. The executive, Michael George, claims it isn’t easy teaching 4-year-olds to piss in a bottle while working a 10-hour shift.

Oxford Dictionary chose ‘goblin mode’ – behavior which is unapologetically self-indulgent, lazy, slovenly, or greedy – as their word of the year. Editors at Oxford Dictionary are operating in goblin mode since they’re too lazy to pick a word of the year that’s actually one word.

Beijing has dropped the requirement to show a negative COVID test to enter supermarkets and offices, saying they’re just about ready to release New & Improved COVID-22, anyway.

Donald Trump failed to disclose a $19 million dollar loan from South Korean company Daewoo while President. He also failed to disclose the Daewoo sedan he gave to son Eric as a high school graduation gift.

Facebook’s oversight board criticized their VIP ‘cross check’ program, which allows celebrities, politicians and influencers extra leeway when violating the platform’s speech guidelines, and also counts ‘Maybes’ as ‘Going’ for their parties & events.

Google launched ‘continuous scroll’ for search results, so you can avoid having to click through multiple pages before deciding to just use the first result like you always do.

The owner of a North Philadelphia gas station hired armed guards to patrol his property amidst the city’s violent crime spree. Regular gas is $3.80/gallon, plus the now-customary tip for not getting jumped and carjacked.

Amazon is lauching a subscription gaming service in India, starting with flagship title Super Patel Brothers.

A new study finds metro=U.S. office buildings will lose over $450 billion in value as workers turn to working at home. Panhandlers will also lose billions in donations since at-home workers ignore them standing next to their mailboxes.

Actor Neal Bledsoe, co-star of multiple Great American Family channel Christmas movies, will no longer do so following GAF’s focus on traditional hetero relationships. Bledsoe will return to the small town where he grew up and consult with the single mom he went to high school with who now manages the village candy store.

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JCPenney CEO Marc Rosen told CNN he believes the store is still relevant to younger shoppers – younger than 80.

Donald Trump suggested throwing out the U.S. Constitution. He was then told that the availability of McRib was not included in it.

Tens of thousands of North Carolina residents are without power after a utility substation was bombarded with gunfire, causing millions in damage. Shockingly, the shooters missed the opossum they were hunting for dinner.

ABC News President said Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes – who cheated on their spouses with each other – will not appear for their 1pm show today, since their affair damages the ‘GMA brand’. The ‘GMA brand’ represents people who watch tv at 1 in the afternoon and don’t have sex.

Bob McGrath, an original star of Sesame Street, passed away at age 90. He will be eulogized in a speech of numbers 1 through 90 by The Count, in a ceremony brought to you by the letter D.

Rapper Travis Scott and partner Kylie Jenner were criticized for taking separate private jets from California to Scott’s performance at Art Basel in Miami. This was before it was discovered their two children, ages 4 years and 10 months, flew from L.A. to Miami on Spirit.

Kelly Clarkson alleges a strange man keeps showing up at her house leaving unwanted gifts, and has repeatedly called the cops. The man repeatedly told the cops he has a standing daily delivery of Popeye’s chicken.

WWE wrestling Hall Of Famer Barry Windham is in an intensive care unit after suffering a heart attack in the Atlanta airport. Windham was revived after several travelers dove off of phone charging stations on to his chest.

Hip-hop producer Metro Boomin launched his ‘Single Moms Are Superheroes’ by inviting dozens of single moms to the Steelers/Falcons NFL game at Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium. The moms wondered if they’re superheroes, why didn’t they get invited to a game between better teams.

TV personality Jesse James denied cheating on his pregnant wife, ex-pornstar Bonnie Rotten, while admitting to calling her a ‘retard’ during a fight. Great American Family network halted production on their 2023 holiday movie Rotten Christmas Baby.

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Olympic champion diver Greg Louganis is auctioning off over 50 personal items to benefit LGBT charities. One of the items is a Speedo he wore during the Olympics, which was expected to fetch over $50,000, but declined in value once bidders found out he washed it.

InfoWars’ Alex Jones, who was found liable for millions in damages owed to Sandy Hook shooting victims’ families, filed for personal bankruptcy. The personal finance bankruptcy adds to his moral and intellectual bankruptcies.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to a 7 Eleven and bought the store’s entire inventory of Snickers bars, to make up for all the ones he shoplifted as a kid. Johnson has yet to respond to people saying he stole their money when they bought Black Adam tickets.

Joe Biden held his first White House state dinner. Nancy Pelosi attended with her daughter Alexandra; her husband chose to stay home and get hammered.

Russian President Vladimir Putin’s health remains in question, as a report emerged that he fell down a flight of stairs and soiled himself. The report came from a guy who wishes he had a different job than doing Vladimir Putin’s laundry.

Kanye West appeared on InfoWars and praised Adolf Hitler. Kanye is now officially the Player To Be Named Later in a; proposed swap to free Britney Griner.

A McDonald’s worker said she quit after her first week because she was assigned to drive-thru work on her first day with no training. On the bright side, she now knows the phrase “pull up to the next window” in six languages.

A Disneyland visitor said Minnie Mouse was cruel to her toddler. The child repeatedly tried to hug Minnie, but the character kept spinning the child around for a photo – a technique Disney insiders call “love and shove”. Mickey Mouse said that when he’s alone with Minnie, “love and shove” means something totally different.

Physics teacher Kristy Buchan resigned from her job after students found her Only Fans account. Buchan said she needed the money to pay her mortgage and treat her sick son – but the son said he was sick of classmates showing him naked pictures of his mom.

A 20-year-old Georgia woman was rescued from a dog crate by another woman claiming her as a sex slave. The resident dog is just happy to have his bed back.

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Lava from the Mauna Loa volcano eruption threatens to take out the main highway running through Hawai’i’s Big Island. Officials have so far refused the suggestion from the Hawai’i Republican Committee to stop it by building a wall.

Prince William’s godmother, Royal Aide Lady Susan Hussey, resigned from official duties at Buckingham Palace after racist questions directed toward a black visitor. It’s the end of a storied career for a shameless Hussey.

The Bidens’ first White House state dinner, honoring France’s Emmanuel Macron, will feature a menu of poached lobster or beef with shallot marmalade – the latter made from Whoppers & Big Macs frozen after the last White House state dinner.

In a People magazine interview marking the 30th anniversary of Home Alone 2, actor Joe Pesci said he suffered serious burns when his burglar character’s head was set on fire. He added that Macaulay Culkin had no sympathy, telling him to get his shine box and get back to work.

ABC Good Morning America co-anchors Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes each left their spouses after rumors surfaced of a months-long affair. Their Good Mornings were allegedly followed by Great Afternoons.

China is set to loosen COVID restrictions following a week of citizen protests, and the Chinese government’s grudging admission that COVID can’t be beaten out of people.

A bloody brawl broke out between fans at the Colorado Avalanche/Winnipeg Jets NHL game in Winnipeg Wednesday night, resulting in two arrests, and three tryout contracts for the fighters.

A Texas attorney was arrested after firing a handgun at his ex-girlfriend in the bar where she worked. He was released after posting $40,000 bond, which was a very light bail for attempted murder, but still pretty expensive for a few shots.

A Puyallup, Washington barber was shot while cutting an 8-year-old’s hair – apparently the 10-year-old who’d just gotten their haircut wasn’t happy with the results.

In Florida, the CEO of an engineering company was arrested in a motel for attacking his girlfriend with her sex toy, bruising her torso. However the girlfriend said the injury happened before the fight, because the guy is really bad at using sex toys.