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The Cleveland Browns fired head coach Freddie Kitchens, leaving him unemployed, but free to leave Cleveland.

Amazon now has 200,000 robots working in warehouses, double the number they had a year ago. They claim robots free up human workers to do what they do best – solve problems, think on their feet, and lose their jobs.

Congress passed the Television Viewer Protection Act of 2019, requiring cable tv operators to disclose the full price of cable at the time a customer signs up, as well as the price a day later, when they increase it.

Business Insider asked flight attendants from major U.S. airlines to name their favorite jet aircraft to fly & work on. The Airbus A321 tied for first along with ‘whichever one has the fewest dopes sitting in it’.

Fox News may go off the air for customers of 750 independent cable companies unless a new fee agreement is reached by January 31st. This worries executives at the cable companies, and grandchildren of racist senior citizens who may have to talk to their grandparents if there’s nothing they’ll watch on tv.

Authorities in Florida struck a 70-year-old grandmother three times with a stun gun after she refused to let cops search her home for her grandson. She was charged with obstruction, battery on a police officer, and being a pretty poor conductor of electricity.

Former President Barack Obama shared his annual list of favorite books for 2019. President Donald Trump also listed his favorite books – the ones stacked under the tv remote.

Actress Mandy Moore thanked American Airlines for tracking down her iPad that she mistakenly left on a plane. They’re still working on finding her dog.

Sharon Stone was reportedly kicked off the dating app Bumble – where women initiate contact with prospective dates – when men claimed her profile was fake. Stone was reinstated, then kicked off again, claiming her Total Recall profile pics were from last week.

In just six seconds, a shooter opened fire on a church service in Texas, then was shot dead himself by churchgoers. Those who downed the initial shooter said their quick response came from altar boy training.

 

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The FDA approved Ubrelvy,  the first-of-its-kind drug that promises immediate symptom relief for migraines. Unfortunately, it doesn’t also put her in the mood.

A foreclosed 10-bedroom mansion in Auburn, New York was being offered by the city for just $50,000. However, buyers had to submit a full restoration plan as part of the purchase. The city started evaluating bids by eliminating restoration plans that started with dynamite.

Tesla will start delivery of its first Model 3 electric cars made in China. So far the number one requested option is removal of the large Made in China sticker on the trunk.

Thousands of unsold cut Christmas trees are repurposed after the holidays, used on beaches to limit sand erosion and eaten by goats or other livestock. One problem, however, is keeping the tree-eating livestock from being swept to sea at high tide.

The FDA officially raised the minimum age to buy tobacco products from 18 to 21. The shift has already caused one 19-year-old to lose his job as the Young Marlboro Man.

Nike’s Colin Kaepernick ‘True to 7’ sneaker sold out within minutes of being listed for sale in the Nike app. The shoes are expected to become sought-after collector’s items, or the official footwear of people who can’t get a job.

January’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas is expected to be a huge showcase for the Google Assistant. Google will showcase the utility of the Assistant in Las Vegas, as thousands of visitors ask “Hey Google, where can I get drugs and hookers?”

Russia is reportedly in the final stages of building its own self-contained Internet. They plan to test its effectiveness by seeing how well it can screw up local elections.

A woman traveling with an abusive man was aided by McDonald’s employees after she mouthed “help me” at the drive-thru window, alerting police who arrested him. The restaurant manager said they see several drive-thru customers say “help me” every day, but that they’re usually heart attacks or strokes.

Kylie Jenner was slammed on social media for giving her one-year-old daughter Stormi a diamond ring for Christmas, then posting a photo of her wearing it. She deleted that photo, and posted a different photo of the family looking for the ring after Stormi ate it.

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Hip-hop star Megan Thee Stallion told Essence magazine about spending her first Christmas without her mother. Asked if she was sad, Thee Stallion clomped once for ‘yes’.

The last solar eclipse of the year, not visible in North America, was viewable via live streams and YouTube. It’s the first eclipse you had to skip ads to see.

The same-sex kiss in Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, was edited out for cinemas in Singapore. It was either that, or the gay couple had to accept their punishment being candy caned.

Steamboat Geyser in Yellowstone National Park broke a record, erupting 47 times in 2019. Steamboat thanked Geyagra.

According to the New England Journal of Medicine, eating in a 6-hour window and fasting for 18 hours may help you live longer, provided the 6 hours doesn’t include a stop at Checkers.

A newly married 26-year-old woman was charged with defrauding her 77-year-old husband, cashing checks for almost $1 million. On the same day, she was arraigned & held on bail, and her story was made into a Lifetime tv movie.

Leonardo Dicaprio’s mother is reportedly worried that if he remains noncomittal, Leo will drive model/girlfriend Camilla Morrone away. For his part, Leo is worried his model/girlfriend won’t take the hint.

Miley Cyrus settled her divorce from Liam Hemsworth on what would have been their 1-year anniversary. Appropriate, since the traditional First Anniversary gift is Paper.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian gave their daughter North a coat once owned by Michael Jackson as a gift for her 6th birthday. They then rushed her to the ER after she ate the quaaludes she found in the pockets.

University of Memphis Athletic Director Laird Veitch wished his former head football coach Mike Norvell well in his new job at Florida State, telling FSU officials they “hit a home run”. Veitch added “I’m not good at sports metaphors.”

 

 

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A North Carolina woman’s windshield was smashed when struck by a large catfish dropped by a bird.  The woman was not injured, but several of the bird’s friends were arrested on a highway overpass preparing to drop more catfish on passing cars.

Bill Cosby’s spokesman criticized Eddie Murphy’s joke about Cosby during his Saturday Night Live monologue, saying Cosby paved the way for other black entertainers. Cosby did not see the joke himself, but he pretty much can’t see anything these days.

‘Cats’ the movie opened to horrible reviews, garnering just 18% ‘fresh’ on Rotten Tomatoes. Theater workers also complained, saying they’ve never picked up such disgusting litter as they did cleaning up after Cats.

Two Carnival cruise ships collided in Cozumel, Mexico. Cleaning didn’t work, so one of the captains tried to knock the norovirus off his ship.

A drunken, incoherent fan crashed the postgame press conference of Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson. He was quickly taken away so the drunken, incoherent Philadelphia press could ask their questions.

Alaska Airlines blamed rampant delays on an unusual amount of baggage handlers calling in sick, and apologized for an “awful holiday travel experience”. Spirit Airlines called their own awful holiday travel experience “business as usual”.

A woman claims hundreds of pieces of tiny red glitter reading ‘Ho’ fell off wrapping paper she bought at Target, saying that her house has ‘Ho’s everywhere — just the latest instance of Hos making life hard for wrappers.

Jennifer Lopez told Business Insider that she limits her children’s ‘screen time’ each week. ‘Screen time’ is what JLo calls it when her kids are in the same room with her.

24 states and 48 cities will raise their minimum wage on January 1st, 2020. In response, Chipotle doubled avocado shipments to accommodate the newly-minted rich who can now pay a bit extra for guacamole.

Boeing’s CEO resigned amidst fallout from the company’s 737-MAX disaster. He told close friends the worst part was having to fly coach on the way home after.

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A family in Georgia found a live screech owl living in their family Christmas tree. With assistance from a local wildlife expert, the owl eventually left. “Finally” said the rat and two squirrels also living in the tree.

Rivers Casino in Philadelphia was fined $62,500 for allowing three different underage gamblers to play slots and table games. They were discovered after becoming belligerent with cocktail servers about the time it was taking to get their juice boxes.

Eight-year-old Ryan Kaji, who reviews toys on YouTube, was named the video platform’s top earner in 2019, with $26 million. Meanwhile, an anonymous 18-year-old woman was named Pornhub’s highest earner, getting four free t-shirts.

Christianity Today, an evangelical magazine, called for Donald Trump’s removal from the presidency, in what’s being called their most scathing prayer ever.

Nancy Pelosi said she’s waiting to send Articles of Impeachment to the Senate, until there’s more clarity on the rules governing President Trump’s trial, and because she hasn’t found the right Hallmark card to put them in.

The film adaptation of ‘Cats’ garnered mostly negative reviews, which is what happens when filmmakers and cats go outside of the box.

American Airlines is now offering non-binary gender designations for air travelers. In addition to ‘he’ and ‘she’, ‘they’ and ‘them’ can now be treated horribly and get bumped.

A middle school principal in Iowa apologized for taking away pizzas purchased by a teacher as a reward for her class.  The letter was signed ‘Principal Noid’.

The world’s oldest fossil forest, 385 million years old, was uncovered in the upstate New York town of Cairo. “We prefer to be called a senior living facility”, said a manager.

Camille Schrier of Virginia was crowned the new Miss America, in the evening gown-and-swimsuit-free updated version of the competition, dubbed Miss America 2.0. All judges agreed that Schrier’s Miss America 2.0 is at least a solid 7.5.

 

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The U.S. House of Representatives approved Articles of Impeachment against Donald Trump. Trump held a rally in Battle Creek, Michigan, home of some of his oldest and dearest friends – Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger & Dig ‘Em.

A man on a Virgin Atlantic flight from London to New York gave up his first-class seat so that an 88-year-old woman in coach could take it. He explained that first class was the only place on board with a defibrillator.

A start-up company devised a workplace toilet that slopes 13 degrees forward, making it uncomfortable for long seated periods so employees return to work faster. A startup of goofoffs devised a harness to wear while using it so you can stay as long as you like.

Ikea previewed its ‘Smart Home’ plans for 2020. Customers eagerly await smart home products from the company that makes you walk through a mile-long labyrinth to get to the checkout after you buy them.

Selena Gomez is opening up about what she calls the “abuse” during her relationship with Justin Bieber – most of which involved having to listen to Justin Bieber songs.

A mini-casino will open in a former Sears department store location in York, Pennsylvania. It was chosen because people are used to going there and blowing money with nothing good to show for it.

A new study claims people regularly eating chili peppers reduce their risk of death by 23%, mainly because colorectal cancers are melted. [Story h/t to A.O.]

Delta Airlines flight attendants say their new uniforms are making them lose their hair, break out in hives, and cough uncontrollably. Coincidentally, Delta passengers are saying the same thing about the $10 in-flight meals.

Walmart.com revealed its top-selling product of 2019, the Instant Pot programmable pressure cooker. Other top sellers were paper towels and flushable wipes, to clean up after the terrible Instant Pot meals.

TMZ shared video of Serena Willams getting boxing lessons from Mike Tyson. Williams may miss January’s Australian Open with a broken jaw.

 

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Campbell/Pepperidge Farm is launching two new plant-based flavors of Goldfish snack crackers, Sweet Carrot and Cheesy Tomato. If you don’t like the new Goldfish, you can always flush them down the toilet.

A man and his pet opossum were kicked off a Jet Blue flight after the man released the animal from its carrier. It took a half hour because the passenger and the opossum both played dead.

New Hampshire enacted a Bring Your Baby To Work law, allowing state employees with infants between six weeks and six months old to bring them to work; just in time for winter, when state snowplow drivers need someone else to take the wheel for breaks.

A couple married for 70 years died minutes apart in Michigan. She passed away, then he decided he couldn’t eat his own cooking.

Indiana state troopers arrested a car thief driving a stolen Toyota with a fake license plate he’d drawn in crayon on a brown paper grocery bag. They requested his license & registration, and he asked for a moment while he got out his crayons and paper bag.

5,700-year-old chewing gum made from birch pitch was unearthed in Denmark, and scientists could retrieve the human genome and food particles from it. It was so well-preserved because it was wrapped in a Bazooka Cro-Magnon Joe comic.

A Florida man surrendered to police, admitting that he masturbated on to a woman in a Walmart toy aisle. Asked why he did it, the man said because the housewares section was pretty dead.

Following a Wall Street Journal exposé, Amazon updated its sellers policy to prohibit them from offering items found in the trash. Amazon said if you want to buy garbage, there’s always Goodwill and Five Below.

Police searching a 75-year-old Utah woman’s home after her death found the body of her husband in a freezer, along with a notarized letter stating that she didn’t kill him. Authorities believe she hid the body to collect his Social Security and Army benefits, and in case she ran out of steaks.

Puerto Rico announced their intent to defy a U.S. ban and continue legalized cockfighting. They say the ban was put in place after construction was near completion on the 15,000 seat Frank Perdue Cockfighting Arena.

 

 

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After the website crashed on the final day of open enrollment, the National Healthcare Marketplace – Obamacare – extended the deadline. People getting Obamacare were given one more day to find out their credit card was declined.

25 years after its initial release, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.  Experts seeking to prevent mass shootings hope the same thing doesn’t happen with Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’.

Coca-Cola is starting the Coca-Cola Insiders Club, where subscribers pay $10/month to get a monthly shipment of new-to-the-public Coke beverages along with “other surprises”, like replacement teeth.

After a series of hacks, Ring security camera makers gave advice on how to keep your camera from being accessed. They include using two-factor authentication, changing passwords, and looking gross so hackers won’t want to spy on you.

A Chinese woman will be deported after her conviction for operating a “birth tourism” business – where pregnant Chinese women would give birth in the U.S. so their children would be U.S. citizens. She was discovered after too many customers delivered girls and left them when they returned to China.

Sylvester Stallone visited the famed ‘Rocky’ statue in Philadelphia on Monday, as part of a secret that he would only describe as “something extraordinary” – leaving many to think it would be something extraordinary if he stopped making movies.

Chain restaurants such as Wendy’s, Chick-fil-A, and others are using “ghost kitchens” – kitchens without restaurants that are solely devoted to online & delivery orders. However they’re concerned about “ghost delivery drivers” who disappear with the food.

Members of Mötley Crüe are reportedly working with trainers and nutritionists to prepare for their summer stadium tour. Bassist Nikki Sixx said he’s eating 2500 “macro balanced” calories a day, while guitarist Mick Mars receives daily one-gallon infusions of teenage blood.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta reunited for a Grease Sing-A-Long in Florida, with Newton-John wearing her original costume, and Travolta wearing his costume and a full head of hair.

Ironically, Clint Eastwood biopic ‘Richard Jewell’ bombed at the weekend box office, despite Jewell not really being the bomber.

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.

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Heavy storm activity washed thousands of penis-shaped ‘fat innkeeper worms’ on to a northern California beach. Ordinarily, to see that many ugly dicks on a beach you’d have to go to the Jersey Shore in July.

Senator Mitch McConnell said in the event of a Senate Impeachment Trial, he’ll let White House lawyers run it. So they’ll need to move the time to coincide with the work day in Ukraine.

Lizzo is Time Magazine’s 2019 Entertainer of the Year. She awaits her congratulatory insult tweet from President Trump.

Comcast announced price increases for its cable TV and broadband Internet service plans. In a statement, a spokesperson attributed the price hikes to the sun rising and the sky being blue.

Amazon is launching a home internet service. Once you click a link, the page loads in two days.

Slate published an opinion piece asserting homeowners with doorbell cameras should have a sign telling visitors they’re being recorded. That way, package thieves can go back to their car and grab a hoodie.

Disney is being sued for putting the phrase “Trust Your Journey” on Frozen 2 merchandise, because a breast cancer support organization trademarked it. Disney lawyers so far have failed to prove that Olaf the Snowman has cancer.

The FDA is investigating 3 separate E. coli outbreaks. Even though they’re reportedly caused by bags of salad, inspectors are starting at Chipotle since doing so has saved them a lot of time in the past.

The NFL’s New York Giants waived cornerback Janoris Jenkins after he called someone a “retard” on Twitter. Jenkins and all other professional athletes have learned their lesson and will never call opponents or fans an awful name like that again.

Scientists and addiction experts are advocating replacing the term ‘alcoholic’ with ‘alcohol use disorder’.  They also say a private gathering of people with alcohol use disorder can still be called an AA Meeting, while public ones can still be called ‘happy hour’.