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A woman known only as Kait, who flashed her breasts at an Edmonton Oilers playoff hockey game, signed with Playboy, where she’s expected to inspire a lot of high sticking.

Donald Trump said he wants UFC fighters to battle migrants. For their part, the migrants want to know what they’ll get paid for the fight.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said the “intense” part of the war with Hamas will end soon, shifting to a more “casual” phase of killing civilians and children.

Climate protesters with smoke grenades charged the 18th green at the Travelers Open golf tourney. They were arrested and taken to a local jail where they were told to “get in the hole”.

Retired Denver Broncos lineman-turned-broadcaster Mark Schlereth called retired New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, 72, a “pig” for dating 23-year-old Jordan Hudson. Asked for comment, Belichick said “oink” as he removed Hudson’s clothes.

A new study finds the number of Americans with a “poor diet” dropped from 49% in 1999 to 37% in 2020. Conversely, the number of Americans considered “poor” and “on a diet” doubled over the same span.

The late Alex Trebek will appear on a Forever postage stamp. Post office customers will tackle the category U.S. Geography and be required to point to the state on the map where they’re mailing the letter.

Severe storms caused dozens of flight delays at Philadelphia International Airport, leaving travelers stranded and angry, and baggage handlers well-rested.

Research from Cornell University finds couples are more likely to discuss financial problems if they feel the problem is solvable. Couples who think the problem is unsolvable are more likely to discuss which one of them buys the lottery tickets.

‘House of the Dragon’ star Olivia Cooke wants to know why her orgasm was cut from a sex scene in Episode 2, Season 2. So does the dragon.

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Following extensive repairs, the legendary Battleship SS New Jersey was returned to dock in Camden, New Jersey. The ship now has 10 new exits and three different Roy Rogers restaurants.

Owner of casual dining chain Olive Garden claims Americans are switching from fast food to sit-down casual eateries – then complaining the food doesn’t get there fast enough.

McDonald’s debuted the items in their new $5 meal deal – for $5, you get a $6 discount coupon for a better place to eat.

Electric vehicle owners are finding their cars can lose up to 31 percent of the battery charge in extreme heat. Engineers are working on a system to channel energy from the driver’s ass when they sit on the hot front seat.

Athletes in the Paris Olympics say the River Seine is too polluted to swim in for the triathlon. They say organizers are crazy if they think they’re going to go in Seine.

Louisiana passed a law requiring the 10 Commandments to be displayed in all public school classrooms. The law angered civil rights activists, but Louisiana teachers are hoping it means more Louisiana high school graduates can count to 10.

Mosquitos with West Nile Virus are infecting visitors to Las Vegas. Mosquitos are also raking it in betting the ‘over’ on the number of tourists treated for the disease at local hospitals.

Drug manufacturers are warning consumers of counterfeits for weight loss drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic. In other news, Dollar Tree announced the release of new & improved Wegroovy and Zolympic.

The Supreme Court upheld restrictions barring domestic abusers from owning guns, but go ahead an borrow one if you really need it.

Rite Aid announced more pharmacy closures, but still no clearance pricing on opioids.

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Justin Timberlake was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated in The Hamptons. Timberlake was unaware there’s been a sobriety checkpoint at the end of Billy Joel’s driveway for the last 35 years.

Today marks Juneteenth – when word of the Emancipation Proclamation resulted in the freedom of enslaved blacks. In 2024, several Abe Lincoln impersonators were hospitalized after marching down the streets of large cities holding banners reading “You’re Welcome!”.

Philadelphia convenience store chain Wawa rolled out its annual Hoagiefest promotion, with retired Eagles All-Pro Jason Kelce & wife serving as spokespersons. They share their ‘go-to’ Wawa hoagie order, which they give to the homeless so they don’t have to eat it.

Massachusetts experienced a statewide 911 outage. The timing couldn’t have been worse as first responders were unable to treat drunks falling off tables and light poles celebrating the Boston Celtics NBA Championship.

With record heat expected to continue throughout the summer, electric bills are projected to increase by 8 percent. Spousal brawls over the thermostat are projected to increase 80 percent.

Russia and North Korea entered a mutual defense pact, with Russia promising to assist in the event another country invades North Korea to steal their poverty and nothingness.

Tropical storm warnings were extended in to Texas. Waves will reach near-record highs, so immigrants entering the state illegally are advised to try surfboards.

During a recent Rolling Stones tour stop in Philadelphia, frontman Mick Jagger explored the city, spending 20 confused minutes at a cheesesteak shop saying “what do you mean ‘wit’ mate?”

In Bensalem, Pennsylvania, six volunteer fire companies are consolidating – setting the stage for what could be the world’s largest-ever pancake breakfast and chicken barbecue.

Billy Ray Cyrus shared an alleged handwritten note from his estranged wife, Firerose, where she asks for a reconciliation just days after accusing him of verbal & emotional abuse. Cyrus refused, claiming to be both too achy and too breaky.

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President Biden issued an Executive Order protecting undocumented spouses of U.S. citizens from deportation. As a result, Eastern European & Asian companies selling mail-order brides are now shipping them without return labels.

Apple discontinued their Buy Now Pay Later installment payment plans for products. They say repossessing phones from people who stopped paying is hard because they keep getting sued for reaching into pockets and leggings to take them back.

A Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Max 8 experienced what’s called a ‘dutch roll’ – wagging of the tail wings while the plane shifts from side-to-side. Not to be confused with a Swiss roll, which is when a jet is filled with chocolate cake & whipped cream.

The CDC is warning of a new ‘double mutant’ flu strain. It’s resistant to antibiotics, and has already put Wolverine and Storm in bed for a week.

Research shows drinking coffee while sedentary may lower the risk of death compared to those who sit for long periods of time and don’t drink coffee. Mainly because of all that running to the bathroom.

McDonald’s ended a trial with IBM utilizing artificial intelligence to process drive-thru orders, after AI was determined to be just as likely to forget to put the goddamned fries in the bag.

ChatGPT was out of service for about 2 1/2 hours on Monday – marking the first time many incel’s virtual girlfriends went down on them.

Former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 72, is reportedly dating 24-year-old Jordan Hudson. Despite being unemployed, the NFL fined Belichick for tampering with a prospect.

French actress Anouk Aimee, Oscar-nominated star of ‘A Man And A Woman’, passed away at age 92. Producers of ‘A Man And A Woman II’ are rewriting it as ‘A Single Man’.

Animal behavior experts are increasingly offering evidence that animals are conscious – citing experiments showing animals seeking pleasurable behavior, such as octopuses and mountain lions with Tinder profiles.

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Wells Fargo Bank fired over a dozen employees for “simulation of keyboard activity” – using tools to move their mouse to pretend like they’re working. Meanwhile, Comcast/Xfinity gave 10-year anniversary plaques to dozens of call center employees for “simulation of customer service activity”.

Pro golfer Rory McIlroy issued a statement calling off his reported divorce from wife Erica Stoll. McIlroy is taking a marriage mulligan, and Stoll found her lost balls.

Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck – who she’s rumored to be divorcing – her “hero” on Father’s Day. Like many other superheroes, Affleck plans to disappear for weeks at a time and then return to Lopez only when she really needs it.

The former home of late comedian Richard Pryor – where he once suffered burns while freebasing cocaine – sold for $3.6 million. It was originally listed for $4.2 million but the current owner agreed to a fire sale.

Israel President Netanyahu dissolved the nation’s war cabinet after two officials quit, saying he has no long-term plan for Gaza. Netanyahu said he’ll have a great plan after he consults with the liquor cabinet.

Police in Bucks County, Pennsylvania opened a death investigation after being asked to do a welfare check on a resident. The welfare check report was listed as “not great”.

The Surgeon General wants a cigarette-style warning applied to social media platforms. Although some are saying it’s too late, and that kids are already trying both to look cool.

Kanye West’s former assistant – suing him for sexual harassment – claims he sent her a series of explicit texts, including one saying he took Viagra and had sex with an A-list Hollywood star for 3 hours. West defended the text, saying he needed to let the assistant know she should call 911 if his erection lasted four hours.

The Birmingham Stallions defeated the San Antonio Brahmas 25-0 in the United Football League’s inagural Championship Game before a paid attendance of 27, 396 fans – the largest crowd ever paid to watch a football game.

40% of Americans responding to a dating poll said they believed in ‘hypergamy’ – dating someone in a higher socioeconomic status to improve their own life. Hypergamy has two basic forms: Sugardaddamy and Sugarmommamy.

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Florida lifeguards treated over 800 beachgoers for jellyfish stings over three days. Because of the large volume, dozens of off-duty lifeguards had to be brought in to urinate on the victims’ wounds.

Experts suggest climate change may be responsible for the deaths of Africa’s ‘boabab’ trees, which can live up to 2,000 years. The boababs — called Trees of Life — will now be called Hospice Trees.

A 10-year-old girl from Scranton, Pennsylvania who made a viral video about being bullied was invited by the New York Yankees to Yankee Stadium for a home game. There, she was able to spend three hours hearing grown men yell at baseball players about how much they suck.

Comcast bid $65 billion to acquire most of the assets of 20th Century Fox:

  • Urging them to act soon before time runs out on this great deal.
  • Fox turned down the initial bid, so Comcast offered to throw in 6 months of Starz.
  • Comcast said $65 billion was the opening bid, but that the rate would go up in a couple of months.

Wednesday marks the first day of legal sports betting in New Jersey. The NJ state government is looking for qualified concrete workers and boat operators to deal with bettors who can’t pay up.

Nintendo of America presented its future games and business plans at the Electronic Entertainment Expo. The biggest surprise was an announcement from Princess Peach that Bowser has been terminated from all future games for his repeated history of inappropriate conduct toward women.

Former Trump adviser and “fixer” Michael Cohen has parted ways with his legal team. A source said that the separation was the result of a fee dispute – specifically, the porn stars that Cohen offered for payment were too old.

Moviepass now has over three million subscribers, most of whom were still too busy to see ‘Solo’.

Las Vegas McCarran International Airport experienced two power outages. Several travelers suffered broken arms beating on slot machines when they stopped spinning.

California is exploring splitting into three separate states: Northern California; Southern California; and New California. It’s still a long way from reality, as it would need to be ratified by voters and approved by Congress, the Bloods and the Crips.

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The U.S. weight loss boom created by drugs like Ozempic & Wegovy is causing a surge in sales of protein powder and meal replacements. And replacement pants.

Donald Trump said he wants all of America’s bitcoin mined in the U.S. He then asked if there’s any risk of getting caught underground in a bitcoin mine.

A hospice worker shared the regrets they hear most often from dying patients – including wishing they worked less, followed their dreams, told people their true feelings, and didn’t take the TikTok challenge that landed them in hospice.

As Americans rail against “tip creep”, an etiquette expert said it’s okay to not tip in 5 situations: home repair work; counter service; at open-bar events; when service is poor; and when your spouse finally agrees to have sex with you.

Finland – where workers are reportedly the happiest of any civilized nation – say “flexibility” is most important to workplace happiness. That’s why hiring managers always look for the most flexible women and men before offering them a job.

Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs will not allow champion Joey Chestnut in their July 4th Hot Dog Eating Championship after he entered a sponsorship agreement with Impossible plant-based hot dogs. Instead Chestnut is expected to cruise to victory in the Vegan Hot Dog Eating Championship, where he’ll stuff his face while the other competitors ask organizers to list the ingredients in the hot dogs.

Police in Chistiana, Delaware are looking for a hit-and-run driver who struck a pedestrian outside of the emergency room. An ambulance driver called the incident “his shortest trip ever”.

Whole Foods CEO said in an interview what he considers “the #1 employee red flag” – a guy aiming his penis at the produce.

The Supreme Court unanimously upheld the right to access mifepristone, an abortion pill. Justic Brett Kavanaugh wrote the opinion – and the check for his girlfriend to get hers as soon as possible.

Australian porn star Alicia Davis was hospitalized for two days after an anal plug was pushed completely inside of her. Doctors were able to successfully remove it. along with several costume jewelry items, a tv remote, and a set of brass knuckles.

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Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

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Peacock network debuted ‘Queer Planet’, a documentary exploring alternate sexual relationships in the animal kingdom. One of the featured couples is a lion ‘bromance’, which causes a less-than-Happy Pride.

Rapper 50 Cent visited Capitol Hill to lobby for greater representation in the liquor & spirits industry among persons of color, b*tches, and hos.

Donald Trump will meet for a probation interview following his felony conviction. His probation officer will advise him to keep his nose clean – or, at least no more orange than the rest of his face.

A bull at an Oregon rodeo hopped a fence and injured four spectators before being captured. The rodeo was halted, and the bull promised to return to restart the rodeo with him leading, 4-0.

Users of hair-loss prevention drug finasteride are being warned of impotence as a side effect. Hair Club For Men is considering a name change to Hair & Strictly Platonic Dating Club For Men.

A kite surfer stranded on a California beach used rocks to spell HELP before being spotted & rescued. He shortened his message after realizing he didn’t have enough rocks to spell DUDE..HELP.

PGA Tour golfer Scottie Scheffler won Jack Nicklaus’ Memorial Tournament in Dublin, Ohio. He celebrated with a police escort to his victory party – dragging two of them as they clung to the side of his car.

A man lost 45 pounds in three months thanks to a new bariatric surgery that involves magnets. A magnet in his colon keeps him from getting up from his chair to get food.

A woman in Mexico died when she got too close to a passing vintage steam-engine train to take a selfie with it. A second woman died when a man in a top hat, cape & moustache tied her to the tracks in front of it.

The Who’s Roger Daltrey said he’s “f**king sick of it” when speaking about what’s ruining live concerts. He claims it’s people checking the setlist at sites like setlist.fm before the show … and not 80-year-olds charging premium prices for tickets.

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Amazon warehouses introduced AmaZen meditation booths, where stressed out workers can meditate and watch company-approved mindfulness videos while they privately urinate into soda bottles.

The FDA approved Wegovy, an injectable diabetes drug, for weight loss in adults with chronic obesity. It’s being called a “game changer”, and the second-most effective injection to fight obesity – the first being anesthesia before lap-band surgery.

A naked 53-year-old woman was tasered and arrested after trashing an Outback Steakhouse, breaking liquor bottles and throwing them at police. She plans to invoke the ‘No Rules, Just Right’ defense.

A self-described “Trump man” in Ohio was charged with littering for repeatedly defecating and urinating on his neighbor’s lawn because he’s a Democrat. The man’s dog was also charged for not bagging and disposing of his waste.

Israeli Prime Minister Benajamin Netanyahu claims the coalition forces trying to unseat him are perpetrating the “greatest election fraud” in the history of democracy .. or, according to his good friend, the greatest fraud in about the last seven months.

Jeff Bezos and his younger brother Mark will be aboard Bezos’ Blue Origin first manned space rocket flight on July 20. Their kids have blocked out the week after, just in case they need to figure out how to spend their inheritance.

Former One Direction singer Liam Payne called off his engagement to model Maya Henry, saying he’s one month sober and that he needs to “work on himself” – and dozens of former One Direction groupies.

A man shot in the leg by a member of rapper DaBaby’s entourage plans to file an injury lawsuit, leaving DaBaby rattled.

A 30-year-old El Paso mom was arrested for posing as her 13-year-old 7th grade daughter at her school, to highlight a lack of security and poor teacher attentiveness. She was discovered after bombing a spelling test and getting undressed for gym.

New York is planning a Central Park megaconcert to celebrate the city’s reopening. Producer Clive Davis said he’s seeking eight stars to co-headline the bill, stating they should be “iconic” and “not named Lee Greenwood or Kid Rock”.