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Donald Trump was reportedly sicker with COVID-19 last fall than the public realized. Doctors considered placing him on a ventilator, and nurses said he was so weak, they couldn’t feel him grabbing their pussies.

Diabetes drug semaglutide shows unprecedented results helping patients lose weight from weekly injections. However, once injections stop, patients gain weight, so doctors are figuring out how to deliver the drug in cheeseburgers.

Paulina Porizkova, estranged wife of dead Cars frontman Ric Ocasek, said she was left completely broke because he wrote her out of his will. “You might think I have grocery money..” she told her friends.

Chappelle’s Show returned to Netflix after Comedy Central agreed to pay Dave Chappelle millions in royalties. Meanwhile, Rob Schneider sitcom Rob! remains off Netflix, despite Schneider agreeing to pay $13.99/month to subscribe.

Convicted felon Lori Loughlin requested federal officials return her passport, so she can leave the country and visit Hawaii.

Actress Brie Larson posted a YouTube video ‘My Morning Routine’. Her routine consists of a series of stretching exercises in a swimsuit, and getting ogled by thousands of creeps.

Tennis’ Australian Open once again banned spectators, after 13 cases of COVID-19 were traced to a Holiday Inn in host city Melbourne. Fortunately, no elite tennis players would be caught dead, or sick, at a Holiday Inn.

Due to COVID, the U.K. economy suffered its worst setback since 1709, when the Great Frost killed off a substantial portion of the population, and the introduction of scones killed even more.

The Houston Texans agreed to release All-Pro defensive tackle J.J. Watt. “Watt?!” said players still stuck on the team.

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene allegedly had an extramarital affair with a tantric sex guru who calls himself “The Tantric Warrior”. The revelation is surprising those people finding out tantric sex gurus exist in suburban Georgia.

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Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville said he called Donald Trump on January 6th to say Mike Pence was evacuated as rioters stormed the Capitol. Tuberville said “Mr. President, they just took the Vice President out..” Trump was satisfied that the hit he ordered was completed.

Kevin Hart was allegedly defrauded by his personal shopper for over $1 million in credit card charges. Although Hart was happy the 1 million Chase Freedom Unlimited reward points never expire.

Britney Spears has not seen the controversial ‘Framing Britney Spears’ documentary, because her conservator/father won’t pay for her cable bill.

Actress Gina Carano was fired from Disney + Star Wars drama ‘The Mandalorian’ following posts comparing being Republican to being a Jew in Nazi Germany. A Disney spokesperson said hurtful speech about Jews has been forbidden there for at least a year or two now.

Shia LaBeouf has entered an inpatient treatment program to deal with issues related to abusive behavior, after someone tricked him in to thinking he’ll be roommates with Marilyn Manson.

Hustler Magazine founder Larry Flynt passed away. If you’re sending flowers, make sure they’re pink.

Kimberly Guilfoyle said she’s ready to accept if Donald Trump Jr. proposes. She added that she feels like they’re already married, because he finally gave her the name of his coke dealer.

Aaron Rodgers is confirmed to be engaged to actress Shailene Woodley, star of the ‘Divergent’ films. “Divergent” will also describe their respective locations while Rodgers lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin during football season.

Hormel is acquiring Planters Nuts in a $3.4 billion deal, with part of the money going to surgically repair Mr. Peanut’s bad eye.

A plastic surgeon successfully removed Gorilla Glue from Tessica Brown’s head during a 4-hour procedure. However, the same doctor needed multiple sutures to close scalp wounds after Brown ran her two-inch fingernails through her hair.

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A man swallowed an Apple AirPod earbud in his sleep, accidentally inventing the world’s first StoolPod bluetooth speaker.

Indoor dining in Philadelphia can expand to 50% of capacity, provided air quality standards are met. No Mexican restaurants are expected to qualify.

The 2021 Rock & Roll Hall of Fame nominees were announced. Curt Schilling demanded that his name be kept off the ballot.

Bruce Springsteen was charged with DWI at a New Jersey state park. He failed a field sobriety test, as well as two encore field sobriety tests.

The U.S. Coast Guard rescued three Cuban refugees from a deserted island where they lived off of coconuts for 33 days. All were treated for exposure and dehydration, and two were treated for injuries from being repeatedly struck by the Skipper’s hat.

Democratic impeachment attorneys plan to show never-before-seen footage of Capitol Rioters on June 6th – when they breached the House & Senate break rooms and discovered that hiding Congressmen took all the donuts with them.

The World Health Organization will present the range of scenarios that created the COVID-19 pandemic in humans – the most likely being transmission from an “intermediary host species”; the least likely being a “radioactive pangolin bite”.

Aunt Jemima products are now rebranded as Pearl Milling Company. Pearl Milling Company is already being sued for denying unemployment checks to Aunt Jemima.

Kim Kardashian donated flower bouquets used in a photo shoot to frontline workers at Los Angeles area hospitals, allowing them, in turn, to regift them a second time for funerals.

Coca-Cola will roll out new 13.5 ounce bottles of soda made from 100% recycled plastic. They hope it will appeal to younger, environmentally conscious future diabetics.

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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LV. Bucs Head Coach Bruce Arians awaited a call from President Joe Biden, then was told the game ended three hours past his bedtime.

Biden spent the weekend in Delaware in the middle of winter, leading to renewed concerns over his diminished mental capacity.

The Buccaneers offensive and defensive coordinators – Byron Leftwich and Todd Bowles – are both black. The Super Bowl win is expected to raise their profiles as candidates for NFL head coaching jobs they won’t get.

A 26-year-old Michigan man died from shrapnel injuries when a cannon fired at a baby shower exploded. Fortunately, the baby landed safely in a net across the yard.

An Idaho woman won $300,000 and $200,000 scratch-off lottery prizes on consecutive days. She said she’s planning a trip to Las Vegas, so the odds can catch up with her there.

NYC domestic violence police officer Valerie Cincinelli was charged with hiring a hit man to kill her ex-husband, and paying him with gold coins. Her life story will be made into the upcoming film ‘John Wick 4: Special Victims Unit’. [story h/t Jim H. ! ]

Country singer Morgan Wallen’s music sales have soared after he was caught on video using the N-word. In response, Toby Keith released video of himself using the same word casually for the last twenty years.

The United Arab Emirates spacecraft Hope is expected to reach Mars orbit after a 300-million mile journey. Hope will analyze Mars surface, then leave as soon as it figures out there’s no oil there.

Tessica Brown created a viral Tik Tok video saying she’d used Gorilla Glue spray adhesive on her hair, and that it’s been stuck there for a month, causing headaches. Gorilla Glue then issued a warning to women, and a coupon to male toupee wearers.

New York City middle schools will reopen to students for the first time in months. Area boxing gyms are offering crash courses to help schoolyard bullies quickly get back in to shape.

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Pornhub will use a third party to verify the identities of persons uploading content -using publicly available identity data, not boob and penis pics like they used to.

Online war game Call of Duty: Warzone has found & booted over 60,000 confirmed cheaters. They won millions of battles, but lost the Warzone.

Filters on iOS 14 meant to prevent children from accessing adult content are blocking all searches containing the word “asian”. While that’s fixed, kids are still learning through iPad and iPhone searches related to MILFs, kink, and latinas.

Harvard scientist Avi Loeb claims he’s “more sure than ever” that we’ve been visited by alien life on Earth. As evidence, he cites his inability to find pants that fit over the probe they used.

Donald Trump was the only living President who did not make a live or recorded message for this week’s National Prayer Breakfast. It’s unclear whether his absence was due to his pending impeachment, or for McGriddles being left off the menu.

Trump sent an angry resignation letter to the Screen Actors Guild on the same day they released their nominations for the annual SAG Awards. The Guild rescinded SAG nominations for Trump’s neck and balls.

NBA players are reportedly angry that the league still plans to have an in-person All-Star Game in Atlanta this March – especially since all of the strippers who usually travel to the host city are only appearing via Zoom.

Casey Anthony is reportedly co-producing a documentary about the infamous murder of her daughter Caylee, including never-before-seen footage of Casey, who totally didn’t do it, asking if her daughter is dead yet.

Google released an infographic showing the most-searched-for food items for Super Bowl parties. People are happy for the pandemic, so they don’t have to attend parties and eat Delaware’s “prawn toast” or Mississippi’s “possum sliders”.

Experts studying 1971 footage of Alan Shepherd hitting two golf balls on the moon determined his shots traveled 24 and 40 yards, respectively. Since he could only hit that far in zero gravity, aliens waiting behind him asked if they could play through.

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A New Jersey man received the first-ever successful face and double-hand transplant. “Don’t give me that look” said his girlfriend.

Experts warn the U.K. variant of COVID-19 could be the most deadly, going so far as calling it The British Cooking of Respiratory Illnesses.

In a secret ballot, Republicans in the House of Representatives voted 145-61 to keep Liz Cheney in her leadership post. However, they voted 196-10 to denounce ‘veggie platter’ as the snack served during the meeting.

Back-country skiers have died in separate avalanche incidents in Colorado, Utah, and New Hampshire. In each case, calls to resign have been ignored by local Saint Bernards.

Some Sam’s Club warehouse store locations are ready to administer COVID-19 vaccines, provided you need 50 of them.

Researchers are concerned that a lethal disease killing chimpanzees in Sierra Leone – that’s a 99% DNA match for COVID-19 – will jump to humans. Local health officials continue to to advise humans to stop making out with chimpanzees.

After multiple players tested positive for COVID-19 , the National Women’s Hockey League cancelled its ‘bubble’ season in Lake Placid, New York. It’s a crippling blow to the league, and the two budget hotels in Lake Placid, New York.

Following his positive diagnosis, Michael Strahan returned to ‘Good Morning America’ to say “You don’t want COVID…but you DO want these terrific deals on TVs for the big game!”

The New York Times published an article about Jonathan Jacob Meijer, a Dutch musician who allegedly fathered over 300 children via sperm donation – and boy, is his arm tired.

LEGO announced they’ll refuse to make or sell products based on modern military equipment. Kids wanting to shoot the s**t out of LEGO people will just have to use the Millenium Falcon.

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Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was confirmed, making him the first openly gay White House appointee. “Openly” being the operative word, according to former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Alejandro Mayorkas was also confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, despite the objections of some Republicans, who had been a Mayorkas pain.

The famous HOLLYWOOD sign was changed to HOLLYBOOB by influencers protesting censorship on Instagram. They’re concerned if nudity remains banned on Instagram, people won’t know where to find it on the Internet.

Comcast will double the speed of its Internet Essentials broadband service for low-income households, allowing more families than ever the chance to get their cam-girl or Only Fans careers off the ground.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink – which has wired a monkey’s brain to play video games using only its mind – is preparing for human trials. Apparently the monkey is tired of playing video games by himself.

EA Sports will release a new college football video game. To keep from paying colleges and players for their name & likeness, Every team will be called Football University and every player’s name will be Football Guy.

Scientists claim COVID-19 lockdowns caused a reduction in harmful emissions that block sunlight, thereby warming the planet. While others believe the higher temperatures result from housebound couples screwing with the thermostat.

Researchers studying spiders say they use ‘silk pulleys’ to raise large prey off the ground once they’ve been captured. Once the prey is secured, they celebrate with music from the piano they lifted into the web.

Experts say people dying after getting the COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t mean the vaccine is deadly. However, being 98 years old kind of is.

Taco Bell introduced customizable $5 Cravings Boxes, with 18 possible meal combinations, and one possible gastrointestinal outcome.

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President Biden will form a task force to reunite immigrant families separated at the Southern Border, then he’ll sign an Executive Order requiring them to use the Buddy System.

Dolly Parton turned down two offers from former President Donald Trump to award her the Presidential Medal of Freedom – one to present the medal, and another to retrieve it after it slipped between her breasts.

A couple was ejected from their courtside seats at the Atlanta Hawks/Los Angeles Lakers game following an argument with Lebron James. The Hawks had no issue with removing the fans, but filed a grievance for James being awarded two free throws.

A 41-year-old ‘peeping tom’ was arrested after falling through the ceiling of the ladies locker room of a Virginia gym. The suspect said he fell while scrambling to get out before the senior ladies aquacize class ended.

Uber is acquiring alcohol delivery service Drizly for $1.1 billion – so now you can pair your Uber Eats delivery with a half-empty bottle of liquor.

‘The Bachelor‘ Matt James removed contestant Anna Redman from the show for spreading rumors about other women. James said he wanted to create a ‘safe space’ in the Bachelorette house for the dozens of women banging him.

Atlanta rapper Silento, best known for ‘Watch Me (Whip/Nae Nae)’, is charged with the shooting murder of his cousin. He’s scheduled to appear in court and is expected to plead Nae Guilty.

McDonald’s is bringing back the Shamrock Shake on February 15th. For the next two weeks workers will be trained to treat customers whose lungs collapse trying to suck it through a straw.

Scientists studying fossilized teeth claim Neanderthals and humans lived among each other and had sex over 40,000 years ago. They cited common traits of the respective teeth, and bite marks on humans’ shoulders when things got a little crazy.

Canadian Mike Jack set the Guinness World Record for speed-eating three Carolina Reaper peppers in 9.72 seconds on his 12th attempt. Jack also holds the world record for the most rectum-replacement surgeries.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.