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Some parents in Huntington Woods, Michigan want the public library to end ‘Drag Queen Story Hour’ – where drag queens read to children. However, the drag queens are a huge draw and children love it, though some complained a reading of The Night Before Christmas took 2 hours including costume changes.

President Donald Trump’s charitable foundation is being dissolved amidst allegations of ‘persistently illegal conduct’ — leaving many wondering who will put gifts under the tree for Playmates and porn stars.

Adam Bros., the farm linked to E. coli in romaine lettuce, is now recalling red & green leaf lettuce and cauliflower out of what they say is “an abundance of caution”. Throughout the country, children are hoping they also extend their caution to broccoli and asparagus.

Actor Dax Shepard defended telling his child that there is no Santa. Shepard said he was tired of lying, adding that he also told his daughter that the CHiPs movie sucked.

A Kansas mom was shocked to find metal shavings in her daughter’s gummy vitamins from Zarbee’s Naturals.  Said a Zarbee’s spokesman “so do you want your kid to get iron or don’t you?”

Multiple Tinder employees who sued Tinder’s parent company, Match Group, for $2 billion were fired this week. The employees say they were subjected to intimidation and retaliation, Match Group human resources claimed that they simply swiped left on their performance reviews.

At the trial of drug kingpin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, a Chicago-area cocaine distributor described the organization to a jury, calling it “a highly-matrixed team where motivated self-starters are fully empowered to contribute and grow in a challenging, fast-paced environment!”

Utah implemented the lowest blood-alcohol threshold for DUI in the nation, at .05.  Residents are advised not only to avoid drinking & driving, but to avoid tongue-kissing drunk women & men in the bar before getting behind the wheel.

A 23-year-old Florida man was arrested by Port St. Lucie police for attempting to pay for his order at a McDonald’s drive-thru with pot.  The drive-thru worker alerted police, saying the man must have been high, since he offered a dime bag for a $6 value meal.

A Swedish music festival, Statement Festival, that banned cisgender men, was found guilty of discrimination. A Swedish court found that the festival, which only allowed cisgender women, transgender and non-binary people, discriminated against men born with penises who wanted to feel hated while listening to terrible music.

 

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A new type of malware was discovered that steals screenshots and other information off computers, based on code buried in memes posted to Twitter. The malware authors have already claimed the inaugural Nobel Prize in Social Media, for deterring dopes from posting more hackneyed Twitter memes.

Police and hackers discovered they can use 3D-printed replicas of someone’s head & face to unlock a smartphone. ISIS & Al Qaeda responded by requiring all their terrorists to wear sunglasses on Team Picture Day.

A California woman said Southwest Airlines made her surrender her pet beta fish before a flight, and that she had to give the fish to a stranger since the airline wouldn’t hold it. The woman said she had no idea where the fish ended up, but a guy using an airport toilet has a pretty good idea.

94301, Palo Alto, California is the U.S.’ most expensive zip code. based on a study by 24/7 Wall Street.  The least expensive zip code is Five Blanks, Mississippi, which is too poor to send or receive mail.

The state of California ended its plan to generate revenue by taxing text messages. California’s Department of Revenue announced the decision with this : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

According to a study posted in journal JAMA Pediatrics, children in Florida schools getting report cards on Friday showed a fourfold increase in incidents of domestic abuse on Saturday. Children in states with better schools knew enough to hide their lousy report cards until Monday.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller is reportedly still interested in interviewing President Trump as part of the Russia probe. He’s so serious, he bought a long blonde wig & a tight dress and sent an audition tape to Fox News.

Ex-CBS CEO Les Moonves will not receive the $140 million severance stipulated in his contract, since a CBS investigation found numerous instances of both sexual misconduct – harassing women .. and professional misconduct – green-lighting ‘God Friended Me’.

According to the U.S. Postal Service, today is the last day to mail your b.s. Christmas letter in time to have friends & family members roll their eyes reading it before December 25th.

Alfonso Ribeiro is suing Epic Games and 2K Sports for copying his Fresh Prince of Bel Air ‘Carlton Dance’ in their Fortnite and NBA 2K games. Ribeiro states that he’s in the process of copyrighting the Carlton Dance, and also copyrighting the idea of a black guy being an uptight white loser.

 

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President Trump named Mick Mulvaney acting chief of staff. Trump had met with former NJ Governor Chris Christie to take the job. Christie was rumored to be on the short list, and also on the obese list.

A report from Oxford University found that a Russian disinformation campaign used every major social media platform to share content geared to elect Donald Trump. It was so far-reaching, Russians issued 10 million tweets, 61 thousand Facebook posts, and even made Trump’s LinkedIn profile look pretty good.

Angela Ponce of Spain became the first transgender woman to compete in the Miss Universe pageant. Ponce did not make the Top 20, despite winning the bench press competition.

Spice Girl Mel ‘Scary Spice’ B posted photos to Instagram after suffering a severed hand and broken ribs in an accident. She’s expected to make a full recovery. Asked if injures would disrupt singing and dancing for the upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour, Scary said no, since she could never sing or dance to begin with.

Offset crashed wife Cardi B’s performance at the Rolling Loud Festival in Los Angeles over the weekend, showing a floral arrangement reading TAKE ME BACK CARDI. Cardi refused, despite Offset’s promise to include her in all his future threesomes.

Former Today Show host Megyn Kelly debuted a new short haircut. Kelly said the short hair makes it easier to put on the afro wig she bought for next year’s Halloween costume.

Merriam-Webster named ‘justice’ its Word of the Year for 2018, citing a large increase in look-ups for the word – though many are believed to be confused parents trying to find the teen girls’ clothing store of the same name.

  • ‘Justice’ succeeds 2017’s Word of the Year, ‘feminism’ — President Trump is already pretty sick of them both.

Following the Chicago Bears’ win over the Green Bay Packers, Bears left tackle Charles Leno Jr proposed marriage on the sidelines to his girlfriend, Jennifer Roth. Roth said yes, and Leno entered the concussion protocol.

RadarOnline reports that 69-year-old Caitlyn Jenner and her partner, 22-year-old Sophia Hutchins, are planning to marry and welcome a baby in 2019. They’re reportedly exploring adoption or having a surrogate carry Sophia’s egg and Caitlyn’s sperm.

An autonomous food delivery robot operated by Berkeley, California startup Kiwi, burst into flames on a sidewalk during a delivery on Friday. The robot left a note saying it couldn’t live with itself any longer for delivering all of those Arby’s sandwiches.

 

 

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Del Monte is recalling more than 64,000 cases of canned ‘fiesta corn’ – mixed with red and green peppers – due to botulism risk. They’re also considering recalling all inventory of canned cream corn because of terroristic threats from grossed-out kids.

Taylor Swift revealed that video kiosks set up at her concerts used facial recognition software to identify her known stalkers in attendance. A ‘command station’ in Nashville held a database of Swift’s stalkers photos for comparison. No reason was given as to why Donald Trump’s photo was in the database.

Amazon lowered the price on a 2nd-generation Alexa-enabled Echo Dot to just $19.99 for its big Christmas Sale. That’s the lowest price ever to surrender any & all privacy in your home.

Melania Trump became the first First Lady to fly in V-22 Osprey, a massive military flight machine that has airplane range, yet lifts off & lands like a helicopter. Her flight took her over the Atlantic Ocean and parts of Virginia, safely landing on the roof of Bergdorf Goodman just before the end of their Christmas shoe sale.

KFC is selling prefab firelogs that smell like their fried chicken when burned.  You can either let the logs burn all the way out, or extinguish them with your own vomit. [h/t to SES & RC !]

Michael Cohen sat for an interview on ABC’s ‘Good Morning America’ to discuss his and now-President Trump’s role in paying off Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal. Cohen said of Trump “he knows the truth” — which, for Trump, is a first.

  • Cohen added that he’s “done being loyal to Trump”, and that he’s shifting his loyalty to whomever is boss of his cell block.

Netflix is testing a new feature, ‘Watch That Scene Again’, which allows viewers to immediately re-watch key scenes in movies. They say they got the idea from every guy who’s watched porn, ever.

Facebook admitted that for 12 days, it allowed access to users’ photos that they’d uploaded to Facebook, but had not agreed to share.  Facebook admits that this resulted in the unwanted sharing of boob and penis shots that users were on the fence about while they tried alternate angles & lighting.

A Reuters investigation alleges that Johnson & Johnson for years hid the knowledge that its signature Baby Powder contained cancer-causing asbestos. J&J has yet to deny the reports, but says they aren’t receiving enough credit for the powder preventing babies from catching fire. [h/t to BTT]

Stormy Daniels owes Donald Trump’s lawyers over $293,000 for her failed defamation lawsuit, and is in talks with Scores strip clubs to do high-end shows to earn the money. Her lawyer said  Scores would need to pay more than the current offer she has from the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

 

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The bodies of two missing climbers from Iceland have been discovered in a Himalayan glacier, 30 years after they disappeared.  “Those guys haven’t aged a bit!” said several mourners at their funeral.

  • Their families expressed gratitude at finally having closure, but disappointment that the climbers forfeited the deposit on the tent they rented.

The publisher of National Enquirer struck a deal to provide evidence that they buried negative stories about Donald Trump during his run for President. Their lawyers are still working on a settlement in the libel lawsuit brought by the half-man/half-lizard they put on the cover instead.

Lily, a Sesame Street character first introduced as being “food insecure” for not getting enough to eat, is now also the first Muppet on the show to experience homelessness. Begging the question “If that’s true, what the f**k does Mr. Snuffleupagus live in?”

  • Lily is seven years old, has bright pink skin, and red dreadlocks. So things were already pretty damned tough for her.
  • The story of how Lily’s family became homeless remains unclear, only that her dad owes a ton of money to Big Bird.

Melania Trump debuted a new blond look on Fox News. Melania now goes by Stormy Knaus.

A 31-year-old Florida woman on a first date died after falling off the back of a man’s motorcycle on her ride home, then being run over several times on a highway. The man never returned to the scene of the accident, although he did show up at the funeral to see if she has a cute sister. [h/t to Don M!!]

Old Bay seasoning is suing a spice manufacturer over the name of their product, ‘New Bae’. Lawyers for New Bae say they aren’t real competition for Old Bay, because once men & women get New Bae on their tongue, they’re pretty tired of it.

Danielle Goldsmith, a former NFL cheerleader, diagnosed her own rare medical condition – pectus excavatum, a sunken sternum that can inhibit breathing – after multiple doctors dismissed her chest pain and shortness of breath as ‘anxiety’. She urged other women seeking medical advice to “be aggressive..be, be aggressive!!”

A leaked Google memo advises staff not to give gifts like logo shirts to “temps, vendors & contractors (TVCs)”, because they don’t want TVCs to feel like they’re full-time employees. The memo goes on to say that if TVCs sexually harass women, they’re to be fired, instead of getting a 7-figure severance & going-away party of a full-timer.

A 57-year-old Washington man was sentenced to nine months in jail after police found his remote treehouse that had framed images of child pornography on the walls. He’s already received four offers for the place from Tiny House enthusiasts with money to redecorate.

“Ghosting” is now happening more frequently in the workplace, as employees simply leave for a new job without notifying their employees or coworkers. Human Resources workers are frustrated and worried that they’ll be phased out now that employees can just fire themselves.

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Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified before Congress regarding anti-conservative bias in search engine results. A Democratic congresswoman asked Pichai why an image search of the word “idiot” returned pictures of Trump. Pichai replied “because it works”.

British lawmakers will vote on whether to remove Prime Minister Theresa May over her handling of the United Kingdom’s’ exit from the European Union. Members will vote “Theresa May” or “Theresa May Not”.

Elizabeth Rowe, principal flutist for the Boston Symphony Orchestra, is suing for a pay raise because she makes $70,000 less than the principal oboist, who is male. The BSO defended the salaries, saying the oboe is a more difficult instrument to play, and that, frankly, they expected a woman playing the flute to look a lot sexier.

President Trump promised to shut down the government if he doesn’t receive $5 billion in funding for a wall on the U.S.-Mexico border. “I will take the mantle of shutting it down” he said — frustrating Democrats, but subtly impressing them with his correct use of the phrase ‘take the mantle’.

After Nick Ayers turned down an offer to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, Trump blasted the ‘fake news’ for saying he’s having trouble filling the position. Trump then threatened to shut down the government unless they approved funding a game show for a C-list celebrity to win the job.

U.S. health officials named Fentanyl as the country’s deadliest drug based on overdoses recorded in 2016, surpassing Heroin, which was deadliest from 2012-2015. Cocaine was third, and Meth dropped to fourth. Meth responded by firing its head coach.

The U.S. Geological Survey recorded a magnitude 4.4 earthquake in parts of Tennessee and Georgia. Officials acknowledged the quake was likely stronger, but residents of Tennessee and Georgia wouldn’t really understand numbers higher than 4.

Gisele Bundchen was asked on Ellen Degeneres’ show if she wants her husband, Tom Brady, to retire. Bundchen said she wants Brady to do “whatever makes him happy”. So look for Brady to continue whining and deflating footballs.

Kathie Lee Gifford announced that she’s leaving The Today Show in April. Her spot is expected to be filled by former First Daughter Jenna Bush Hager, delighting NBC executives who were concerned about finding someone that stay-at-home moms kinda knew, that had no discernible talent.

Facebook headquarters were temporarily evacuated Tuesday evening after receiving a bomb threat.  Employees returned to their desks and spent a few extra minutes marking themselves ‘safe’.

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A 9-year-old girl in Ontario, Canada called 911 because she was angry that her parents had told her to clean her room. Police reiterated the importance of only calling 911 in an emergency, so the girl shot her parents in the leg and called them back.

A 29-year-old Summerville, South Carolina man was arrested for lighting fire to his neighbor’s outdoor Christmas decorations. He was charged with arson. Frosty was pronounced dead at the scene.

Kendall Jenner shared a photo via Instagram of a handwritten love letter she’d received, with the signature of its writer blacked out. Stalkers expressed their frustration at having to practice cursive to get noticed.

Sully, the service dog of deceased President George H.W. Bush, posed on the red carpet for CNN’s ‘Tribute To Heroes’ event in New York City. Sully took photos with Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly, then grabbed champagne and Milk Bones for a limo ride with several bitches.

Andrew Slavonic, a 101-year-old World War II veteran, credited drinking Coors Light beer every day for his long life. Miller Coors brewery then gave him a fridge stocked with Coors Light and a trip to see the brewery in Colorado – which Slavonic intends to take after he’s finished his fourth liver transplant.

Arizona parents attending a school play, ‘The Foreigner’, at ASU Preparatory Academy, were shocked that several students portrayed Ku Klux Klan members in full white robes. The students wearing the robes were just as shocked at how easy it was to find their costumes for the school play.

Instagram is rolling out ‘walkie-talkie’ voice messaging. Users can record a message up to one minute long, or as long as it takes to say “show me your tits”.

A Mississippi man who used a front-end loader to ram vehicles in a Walmart parking lot because he thought zombies were chasing him has been sentenced to 15 years in prison. The sentencing judge also told Walmart not to have its elderly greeters follow customers in the parking lot.

Researchers from New York University conclude that women are still seen as inferior to men when it comes to completing highly intellectual tasks. Dr. Andrei Cimpian, lead author of the study, published his results in the journal American Psychologist, just as soon as he found a girl to type it up for him.

Vitaminwater is looking for a person willing to give up all smartphone use for a year in exchange for $100,000. To be chosen, entrants must say what their plans are for the year without a phone. So far, entrants have shared plans ranging from “sleeping on vents in the sidewalk” to “remaining in a coma”.

 

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President Trump handled the coin toss at the annual Army/Navy football game. “Heads is Stalin, tails is the hammer & sickle” he said.

Nick Ayers, chief of staff for Vice President Mike Pence, declined to take the chief of staff role for Trump. Ayers was asked why he doesn’t want to work for the President; he replied that he will be working for the President once the Mueller probe wraps up.

A study of rats that had their uterus removed showed they had increased difficulty with cognitive function. The barren females had trouble completing difficult tasks since they were constantly being approached for casual sex by male rats that don’t want a family.

A man on an Orlando to Philadelphia flight gave up his first class seat so a woman with a sick baby could move up from coach. The woman couldn’t properly thank the man, so she took to Facebook to try and find him. The person with the first class seat adjacent to the sick baby also wants to find the man, to punch him.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones dismissed reports that he’s attempted to lure Jason Witten out of the ESPN Monday Night Football booth and back on to his former team. Fans who watch Monday night games and hear Witten encouraged Jones to keep trying.

The Miami Dolphins completed an improbable victory over the New England Patriots with a game-ending triple-lateral play resulting in a touchdown.  The Patriots thought Roughing the Passer should have been called, since Tom Brady’s feelings were hurt.

Nicki Minaj is reportedly dating Kenneth ‘Zoo’ Perry, a 40-year-old unmarried father of five who’s a registered sex offender in the state of New York. Minaj wanted to prove to other single women that not all of the good ones are taken.

Actor Kirk Douglas celebrated his 102nd birthday this week, beginning shooting on a new romantic comedy where a hot 29-year-old woman finds him irresistible for some reason.

Dentists are letting some patients wear virtual reality headsets while having work done in order to help them remain calm. The patients enjoy watching scenes that relax them, and the dentists enjoy doing root canals and fillings while nude.

Verizon announced 10,400 employees are voluntarily taking buyouts and leaving the company. “Can you hear me now? Okay, I quit” said 10,400 people.

 

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Dog the Bounty Hunter is being investigated for an assault at a Colorado airport after a man accused him of shoving his son.

  • A judge ordered Dog to return to Colorado, and to heel.
  • The son was recorded telling Dog to “suck my d*ck”, but Dog refused since there wasn’t any peanut butter on it.

President George H.W. Bush was laid to rest behind his presidential library in College Station, Texas, following a Union Pacific train ride from his family funeral in Houston. Pallbearers took a few extra minutes removing coal dust from the casket since the family only paid for a freight car.

Kevin Hart announced that he was hosting the Academy Awards, then stepped down after complaints circulated about his past remarks concerning gays. The Academy is being urged to hire a gay person to host, so they announced Hugh Jackman without asking him first.

Amazon Go is considering putting checkout-free stores in airports.  The move was hailed by Air Marshals, who say they’re bored and would welcome the chance to arrest travelers who boost $5 bags of M&Ms and run.

A Kentucky man was sentenced to five years in prison for putting glass shards into shipments of plastic cups used at fast food restaurants. It took a while for him to get caught, since diners at Arby’s and Taco Bell assumed bleeding in their mouth was just a usual reaction to the food.

The new XFL plans to introduce some new rules, including a running clock to speed up games and payments to players in a new cryptocurrency that no one understands to stave off their inevitable bankruptcy.

Marvel released the official trailer for Avengers 4 and, with it, the official name of the film: Avengers: Endgame. They then issued the official trailer for Avengers: Endgame’s end-credits Easter Egg, to be called Avengers: End of Endgame.

Mastanamma, an Indian woman from New Delhi who became a YouTube sensation at age 105 for her cooking videos, died at age 107. Her family is having a post-funeral meal catered by McDonald’s since they’re all sick of Indian food.

Walmart announced it’s putting robotic floor scrubbers in 360 of its stores by the end of the year.  So far, the experiment has yielded mixed results, with many of the robots missing time taking smoking breaks and going to doctor visits to monitor out-of-wedlock pregnancies.

Infant ibuprofen sold at drug store chains is being recalled for having higher concentrations of the drug than advertised. “Shit, I kinda liked it” said babies having particularly tough days.

 

 

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A New Jersey couple is suing Sandals resorts for $30 million, claiming that the night before their 2016 wedding, a butler for their suite came in and molested the bride. Sandals plans to vigorously defend against the action, saying their resorts are really all-inclusive.

At the Miss BumBum pageant in Brazil – where thong-bikini-wearing women compete for the best naturally curvy buttocks – the runner-up attacked the winner, saying she used fake butt implants. Pageant organizers disagreed, saying all contestants are x-ray’d and their stool samples are analyzed for traces of bath caulk.

A woman in Brazil is believed to be the first ever to give birth to a healthy baby after getting a uterus transplanted from a deceased donor. The father of the newborn said that, for him, the hardest part was impregnating the corpse.

SpaceX shared video of its Falcon 9 rocket booster splashing down in the ocean instead of making a dry landing at Cape Canaveral. CEO Elon Musk said that, despite the error, the rocket appears to be okay, and that he’s pretty sure the chimps who piloted it can swim.

The father of a 10-year-old Ohio girl – after hearing she bullied classmates – made her walk five miles to school while he followed in a car. The father said he wanted to teach her a lesson, although the girl said the road work gave her increased stamina for future bullying.

Amazon is reportedly crowdsourcing answers to the most difficult questions posed to its ‘Alexa’ voice assistant. Participation is invitation-only. and limited to the first 1,000 women who can articulately describe the location of the G-spot and clitoris, respectively.

Embattled cinema-ticket subscription service Moviepass unveiled a complex, multi-tiered pricing scheme. The choices range from $10/month for non-opening weekend films, to $20/month for IMAX & 3D showings, and a ‘Pay As You Go Like Everybody Else Cause We’ll Be Out of Business by Summer Anyway’ tier.

Researchers claim to have taken the first steps toward a blood test that can determine the presence of any cancer in your body in 10 minutes. The test is reportedly 90% accurate, a percentage criticized as too low by dogs who sniff for cancer in your colon or vagina.

A former Kellogg employee faces three years in prison for urinating on a breakfast cereal conveyor belt in the factory where he worked. He pleaded guilty to tampering with consumer products. Reached for comment about the cereal incident, a Kellogg’s spokesman said “Theyyrrrre NOT great!”

Apple released an update to watchOS, making the Apple Watch’s electrocardiogram & irregular heart rate notification features available today.  User reactions range from “Cool!” to “Uh oh”.