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Pepperidge Farm is voluntarily recalling more than 3 million packages of goldfish crackers over possible tainting from salmonella. No illnesses in children have been reported, but a lot of moms and nannies are pretty sick.

Gun control advocates are concerned that recent State Department decisions will allow anyone to make a working plastic firearm using a 3D printer.  Their concerns are echoed by employees at Staples, who are being bombarded with questions by customers wondering which toner they need to buy to make bullets.

President Trump tweeted that he’s concerned about potential Russian interference in upcoming U.S. elections, adding that since he’s so “tough on Russia”, the Russians “won’t want Trump”. 30 million U.S. voters now have something in common with Russia.

Officials in California are searching for former MTV “Be an MTV VJ!” contest winner Jesse Camp, who has been reported missing by his family. They were hoping he’d show up right after this World Premiere Video from White Lion, but it didn’t happen.

Ivanka Trump is shutting down her namesake fashion brand. Impacted textile workers will be offered retraining, or as they call it in Indonesia, elementary school.

A North Carolina woman is warning that a “callus cutter” used in conjunction with her pedicure caused an infection that almost forced the removal of her leg.  A spokesperson for the salon said that either way, the callus is gone.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl in Memphis is blaming her daughter’s emergency gallbladder removal on her four-bag-a-day Hot Cheetos habit. Medical experts dispute the mother’s claim, but surgeons said it was the dustiest, orange-est gall bladder they’ve ever seen.

Police are warning against a “super dangerous” dance challenge. Popular entertainer Shiggy posted a video dancing in the middle of the street to Drake’s ‘In My Feelings’; other Instagrammers have tried to top him by doing the same, or dancing while stepping out of moving cars. Police ask you to call 911 if you see someone dancing dangerously, and they’ll respond and shoot them.

Thousands of people signed a petition to have the Netflix series “Insatiable” canceled. The show chronicles an overweight bullied girl who slims down and then takes revenge on her tormentors. Netflix has not replied directly to the fat-shaming accusations, but says it has always encouraged binging.

WWE star Nikki Bella has called off her wedding to fellow wrestler and actor John Cena. The couple and their fans are heartbroken, but are hopeful they can pull it back together in time for Nuptialmania.

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Scientists discovered a new breed of dinosaur, Akainacephalus johnsoni. The thing that distinguishes it from any other dinosaur is that it has a face full of spikes – as evidenced by a message found next to its fossilized carcass reading “cool piercings, brah”.

Former Dukes of Hazzard star Tom Wopat entered a guilty plea to charges of inappropriately touching two women from the cast of a musical in which he starred, and asking them if they wanted to see his boss hog.

Mondelez Global has recalled Ritz Cracker sandwiches and some flavors of Ritz Bits over worries that some may be tainted with salmonella. They ask you to check on any of your 90-year-old friends and relatives who still eat Ritz crackers.

An app, HomeCourt, that uses artificial intelligence to help you improve your basketball shot raised $4 million in venture capital. The first advice the app gives you is to take off the $15 Payless sneakers and brown dress socks.

Stormy Daniels’ husband Glendon Crain filed for divorce, alleging adultery – citing as evidence Daniels’ appearance in adult video Dirty Cheating MILFs, and its 12 sequels.

  • The divorce filing was confirmed by Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti, who said his client requests privacy as she removes her clothes and motorboats strip club patrons.

Wildfires continue in Greece, as officials there seek assistance battling the raging Greece fires, saying that waving their aprons and dishtowels at them isn’t working.

Former porn star Jenna Jameson showed off her recent 60-pound weight loss on Instagram, though some critics claim that the naked guy behind her on the scale simply took his foot off it.

A man was arrested for exercising naked at a Planet Fitness in New Hampshire, doing nude poses on a yoga mat while repeating the gym’s tagline that he was in a “judgement free zone”. Police also removed two other exercisers who were making the members uncomfortable because they were already in decent shape. [story h/t to Tara v A !]

French physicists tested bottles of California red wine from vintages 2011 and newer and found traces of radioactive material from Japan’s Fukushima nuclear reactor meltdown. In a related story, a man was named Oenophile of the Year for his review of a 2013 Cabernet Sauvignon with “bold notes of blackberry, subtle tannins, and traces of plutonium.”

The use of animal tranquilizer and party drug Ketamine is being studied for its use as an antidepressant. Numerous test subjects have reported sizable improvements in mood and reductions in thoughts of self-harm. Side effects include mild hallucinations and uncontrollable urges to chase tennis balls.

 

 

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A woman gave birth to a baby daughter in the rest room of a San Antonio, Texas Chick-fil-A.  The baby gets free food for life and a guaranteed job at age 14.  The restaurant has a job opening now, however, since an employee just quit rather than clean the bathroom.

An investigation by the Chinese government found that a drug company, Changchun Changseng, had provided faulty vaccines given to thousands of children.  The government launched the investigation after finding syringes with the vaccine containing fortunes and lottery numbers.

The 150th Anniversary of the founding of the Golden Retriever breed was marked in the Scottish Highlands with a gathering of hundreds of the popular dogs.  The dogs looked to be having a great time, although one dog leaving the festivities said he couldn’t wait to sniff something other than another dog’s butt.

A Memphis man is under arrest for stealing a woman’s car while they were on a date, then using the car to take a different woman to a date at a drive-in movie. The car was returned to its owner, who is sure her back seat didn’t look like that before.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team reportedly wants to talk to the former ‘Manhattan Madam’ Kristin Davis. Davis was convicted of running a prostitution ring in the wake of investigations into former New York Attorney General Eliot Spitzer. No word on why Mueller wants to talk to her, other than his team has been working some long, lonely hours.

New research states that infants’ waking hours may resemble a dream-like state or a psychedelic trip. Giulio Tononi of the University of Wisconsin published the study; he said that in his dreams and psychedelic trips he sees a lot of bare women’s breasts.

Genevieve Pascolla, a passenger on a United flight from London to Chicago, said that after she was reseated on her flight because the man in the adjacent seat was masturbating, the flight attendants made jokes. United refused her request for a refund but said they’ll no longer publish a swimsuit issue of their in-flight magazine.

Khloe Kardashian apologized for using the ‘r-word’ toward her sister Kourtney while they shared live video on Instagram. “Are you f***ing retarded?” Khloe asked Kourtney. While Khloe did say she was sorry, dozens of Kardashians’ followers on Instagram are waiting for Kourtney to answer the question.

A human cannonball at a circus in Chile was seriously injured when he shot far over his safety net and landed on the ground, breaking his chin and knees. The circus is halting the act until they can find a much, much heavier cannonball.

A New York Times article reports that merchants in Melania Trump’s hometown of Sevnica, Slovenia sell souvenir Melania salami — although they admit she likes the smaller American kind better.

 

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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.

 

 

 

 

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A Secret Service agent traveling with President Trump’s security detail died in Scotland after suffering a stroke.  Asked how they feel about their colleague’s death, fellow agents guarding Trump said “jealous”.

U.S. Customs & Border Patrol agents found nearly ten pounds of heroin in four egg-shaped packages at New York’s JFK Airport — along with two seriously strung out chickens.

A new study claims that cancer risk is reduced by eating dinner earlier, delighting 80-year-olds who want dinner at 2pm now.

NFL quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo was spotted dining with porn star Kiara Mia in Beverly Hills. Garoppolo said they’re just friends, although they feel more like teammates, since her breasts are 49’ers.

The Transportation Security Administration is implementing more security measures, asking that travelers remove bags of snacks from their carry-ons along with liquids and laptops. This follows reports that a passenger ate an entire bag of Cheddar Cheese Combos and blew up a jetliner’s bathroom.

Ohio police released video of porn star Stormy Daniels’ arrest at a Columbus strip club for ‘motorboating’ several officers during her act.  It’s the first ever police body cam footage available via pay-per-view.

Six nurses that work together in a Winston-Salem oncology clinic at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center are all pregnant.  Said one of the clinic’s male doctors: “hey, we had a great Memorial Day weekend.”

Uber believes its rentals of electric bikes in San Francisco are so popular that they’re cannibalizing car rides. Uber is evaluating whether to offer tandem electric bikes for customers who miss having someone sexually harassing them during their trips.

Alleged Russian spy Maria Butina remains behind bars on several charges, including offering sex in exchange for a ‘position of influence’ with a special interest group. The position and group are not named, although it is believed to be a manager job at the McDonalds where President Trump gets lunch every day.

A woman from Texas was arrested for collecting 40 queen conch shells in Key West, Florida.  The queen conch is a protected species. She was sentenced to 15 days in jail, but got to keep one of the shells so she could hear the ocean from her cell.

 

 

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A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.

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Jennifer McIver, a Colorado Mom, shared a story on Facebook about her 3-year-old daughter locking herself in their new LG front-loading washing machine, and her 4-year-old son starting it. The daughter was unhurt, but they’re asking LG to put locks on washer doors. The son was rewarded for washing his sister on Delicate, but she came out with even bigger stains on her pants than when she went in.

A 27-year-old woman went into labor while riding Kilimanjaro Safaris at Walt Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. She delivered the baby shortly thereafter via FastPass, but two triplet siblings were told to expect at least a 90-minute wait.

Tinder – which doesn’t allow daters to send photos to each other – are conducting a test in Canada and Mexico where users can send personal Bitmoji to one another. Tinder users are busily figuring out how to create Bitmoji of their genitals and breasts.

Microsoft and Walmart announced a strategic partnership to take on Amazon in technology and retail. It’s called Let’s Spend Billions And Still Lose.

Do Thi Duc, a researcher in Berlin, studied 208 million public transactions made over Venmo during the past year, because most users never change the default setting that makes activity public. Nearly 3 million transactions involved pizza, and 10 million involved the weed emoji, so she assumed they were payments to landscapers.

Russian President Vladimir Putin presented U.S. President Donald Trump with a ceremonial World Cup soccer ball at a joint press conference. Trump tossed it to his wife, marking the first time Melania handled one of Trump’s balls since conceiving Barron.

Archaeologists in Jordan found what they claim is 14,000-year-old flatbread – which went uneaten because everyone at dinner was on the Paleo diet.

Netflix posted disappointing results, adding only 674,000 new subscribers in the second quarter, versus a forecast of 1.2 million. Shareholders rated it one star and skipped to the third quarter episode.

Fans were shocked as MTV snubbed Taylor Swift in all major categories of its Video Music Awards. Her fans stated their intent to stop watching music videos on MTV, in the event they ever start showing them again.

An airborne blob of lava from Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano struck a lava-watching tour boat off the eastern coast of Hawaii’s big island, injuring 23 people but really giving them their money’s worth.

 

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Supermodel Kate Upton and husband Justin Verlander announced that they’re expecting a baby. Elon Musk delivered Upton a specially-engineered nursing bra.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia said that the driver of a 710-horsepower McLaren 720S luxury sports car totaled it one day after it was purchased for $288,000.  The driver survived, but is still upset at having insured the car with The General.

Twitter undertook a large-scale purge of suspicious accounts, with Katy Perry and Justin Bieber each losing 2.5 million followers.  Meanwhile your Mom picked up 3 followers this week so she considers herself Twitter’s big star now.

Fernandina Beach, Florida reopened one day after two men were bitten by sharks. The men were treated and released, the sharks wrapped up vacation and returned to work at the beaches near Disney Orlando Resorts.

Papa John’s board of directors announced that Chairman John Schnatter, who admitted using the ‘n-word’ on a conference call, will be removed from all marketing materials. Schnatter was also removed from his office at Papa John’s headquarters. He’s said to be evaluating a new company with chef Paula Deen, specializing in white pizza.

Google Chrome angered users with its latest update by expanding its required memory usage on your computer. Google said Chrome just needed a bigger place to crash.

President Trump and Russian President Putin held their summit in Helsinki. Trump kicked off the festivities along with several scantily clad cheerleaders, shouting as Putin arrived.. “gimme a P..!”.

CVS is apologizing after a white male store manager called the police on a black woman customer who attempted to redeem a coupon. The manager doubted the authenticity of the woman’s coupon because it was less than two feet long.

Tim Tebow announced that he’s dating 2017 Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters. Tebow said he doesn’t expect her to go all the way….to Binghamton, New York, the upstate New York town where he plays Double-A baseball.

  • For her part, Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters said that both her hyphens, and her hymen, remain intact.

In Indonesia, an angry mob killed 300 crocodiles that were living in an animal sanctuary after crocs killed a 48-year-old man who had entered the crocs’ breeding pond. The sanctuary is promising to build stricter barriers, while the mob is enjoying their new belts, shoes and handbags.

 

 

 

 

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Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal has been linked by the Centers for Disease Control to 100 cases of salmonella in 33 states. Honey Smacks cartoon frog mascot Dig ‘Em has been hospitalized, and will be temporarily replaced by his cousin, Puke ‘Em.

  • Kellogg’s has recalled Honey Smacks, and new boxes will be issued with a free prize inside — Immodium pills.

Build-a-Bear locations were overwhelmed by the stores’ “Pay Your Age” promotion – with stuffed bear kits offered at $1/year of a child’s age – and turned away thousands of angry and disappointed families. EMTs were called to several locations where Bear employees were mauled by moms.

In Washington state, a robber broke into a business housing several ‘escape rooms’, but then called 911 when he couldn’t find a way out. Police arrested the burglar, 40-year-old Rye Wardlaw, and forced him to hold up signs reading “I’m a dummy” and “I couldn’t get out” for his booking photo.

At Wasco State Prison in California, a 66-year-old convicted child molester was beaten to death by a 19-year-old fellow inmate within days of his arrival. Prison officials are investigating. Kinda.

  • A spokesman for Welcome Wagon said that the 19-year-old prisoner’s franchise had been revoked.

President Trump and First Lady Melania arrived in London to meet with British Prime Minister Theresa May. Mr. Trump said that the infamous “Trump Baby” blimp flying above protests in London made him “uncomfortable”. Melania Trump said privately that the blimp holding her hand made her feel “embarrassed”.

Bill Cosby turned 81 on Thursday, celebrating with a party at his home featuring a jazz band. His wife Camille gave a toast, but then everybody asked if they could pour themselves a fresh drink before clinking glasses and drinking to the guest of honor.

A 35-year-old woman went to a Dijon, France emergency room complaining of a tingling sensation in her legs. Doctors x-rayed her, then found and removed a larval dog tapeworm lodged in her spine. The woman was given anti-parasitic medication and the tapeworm was returned to her favorite French restaurant.

Officials in Illinois and Ohio are investigating reports of food borne illness believed to be caused by McDonald’s salads. So far the illness has been found in zero people and hundreds of mice.

‘Roseanne’ was nominated for two Emmys —  Best Supporting Actress in a comedy for Laurie Metcalf; and an editing nomination.  A third Emmy, Best Decision To Cancel a Comedy, is still under consideration.

Preliminary pricing has been announced for Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin space tourism offering. Two sources state tickets will go between $200,000 and $300,000 – but carry-ons cost extra.

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.