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CBS cancelled Matt LeBlanc sitcom ‘Man With A Plan’. Remaining episodes will be aired as ‘Man Needs A Plan’.

Tesla may bring Zoom videoconferencing to their electric cars, giving birth to the phrase: “could the guy who just wrapped his car around a tree please mute?”

Donald Trump’s decision to paint the border wall black could cost an additional $500 million. It could also encourage more Mexicans to try and go around the wall because black is so slimming.

The Treasury Department says coronavirus stimulus checks mailed to dead people should be returned to the IRS. But first, the checks should be removed from their hands.

Adele showed off her recent weight loss in a photo thanking frontline workers during the pandemic. In turn, frontline workers say they have an even greater appreciation for Adele, since they don’t just want to hear her sing – they also want to have sex with her.

Astronomers say they’ve found the black hole closest to Earth, that consumes and destroys anything near it – it’s the satellite that delivers Pornhub.

Tinder’s next major update will be a feature to enable video dating. Then the next major update will be a panic button for when women inevitably see a guy’s dick.

Twitter is testing a streamlined interface for users to interact with ‘threaded’ conversations – they’re calling it A Bigger Mute Button.

National Nurses Day was recognized with drive-by tributes from citizens thanking nurses with signs and horn-honking. Although others complained of delays because they just wanted to get to the ER and push their sick grandparents out of the car.

Researchers are testing a new stick-on patch that monitors coronavirus symptoms and progress. Although patients are warned to be on the lookout for fake devices with ‘Kick Me’ on them.

 

 

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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Disney will donate $1 million from the sale of character-themed facemasks during the pandemic, and will keep the other $100 million.

North American bee populations are threatened by Asian Giant ‘Murder’ Hornets that invade hives and decapitate bees – not to be confused with hornets that decapitate bees by accident, known as Manslaughter Hornets.

United, JetBlue & Delta will require all passengers to wear masks, but will remove people who try prying theirs out of the compartment over their seat.

Former LPGA golfer Paige Spiranac says her 34DD breasts are real, and that they help her golf game by keeping her arms in touch with her body during her swing. Male golfers seeking to improve their game are inquiring about implants.

‘Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash, who recently announced she’ll divorce her fourth husband, is selling videos for $50 on Cameo. For $60, you can get engaged to her.

Mark Cuban said if he had to start a ‘side hustle’ to make extra money, he’d code commands for digital assistants like Alexa, Siri & Google. Then he remembered he has several billion reasons not to.

Experts say the checkout area is the most dangerous place in grocery stores during the coronavirus pandemic – ending the 70-year reign at the top for the public restrooms.

Tiger Woods said running over 30 miles a week when he was younger “pretty much destroyed” his body. Porn stars and bar hostesses say their younger bodies were pretty much destroyed by Tiger Woods.

Pennsylvania is no longer the top-producing state for craft beer, ceding the honor to California. However, thanks to Coors Light, Colorado remains the top-producing state for crap beer.

A mom shares video where she tells her kids she’s buying them drinks at a Starbucks drive-thru, but orders them water and mixes it with Kool-Aid. It worked once, but the kids knew they were being tricked when their names weren’t misspelled on the cup.

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Serena Williams & other pros will play Mario Tennis Aces on Nintendo Switch for charity. Williams promises this will be better than last time, when her Princess Peach was called for foot faults and threatened to ram the ball down Line Judge Luigi’s throat.

The NCAA will allow college athletes to make money from endorsements. Ten minutes after the ruling, every Division I basketball player had an endorsement deal with a marijuana dispensary or CBD oil company. 

A New Jersey woman who filed for unemployment benefits was sent a debit card in the mail with a zero balance. On the bright side, her VIP cardholder status entitles her to free Valet Parking at Dollar Tree. 

Meat packing workers ordered to return to their jobs are telling their employers they don’t feel safe. “Yeah, sure” say pigs, cows & chickens. 

Coronavirus experts believe Remdesivir – a drug developed to treat ebola – may be effective treating COVID-19. They’ve already started filming an ad with the Truvada for Prep guy with recovered victims dancing. 

Dogs are being trained to sniff for coronavirus. They’re asking if they can sniff people’s breath for a change. 

Madonna said she’s tested positive for coronavirus antibodies, and is planning to “breathe in the COVID-19 air” – presumably from the mouth of a guy 30 years younger than she is. 

Juul announced it’s vaporizing 40% of employees. 

Chick-fil-A is launching its first meal kit – the instructions are, you grab a hatchet, then open it in a small room so it’s easier to catch. 

A Walmart in Worcester, Massachusetts closed temporarily after 23 employees tested positive for coronavirus. Most of them are now greeters at the Intensive Care Unit. 

 

 

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Donald Trump said he’s planning a trip to Arizona, possibly to tour a facility that makes personal protective equipment – guns.

California plans to close all state beaches and parks, so Instagram is beefing up bandwidth to host live events for guys who can only do bench presses while other people watch.

Britney Spears said a fire destroyed her home gym. Her trainer told her she needed to feel her muscles burning.

The Cincinnati Bengals are releasing QB Andy Dalton – meaning one less tiger in captivity.

Sales of bargain beer Busch Light have increased 44% during the pandemic. They’re considering changing the slogan from ‘Head for the Mountains’ to ‘Head for the Unemployment Website’.

Makers of the Teracube budget smartphone say they want to create a ‘sustainable’ smartphone, and guarantee it will last for 4 years. It costs $269 and you leave it in a drawer.

Police in New York City found dozens of bodies in unrefrigerated U-Haul trucks outside a funeral home. In other news, city residents moving in May can get a great deal on a U-Haul truck.

An Illinois stripper who drove to New York City “because I felt like I was the coronavirus” was arrested for carrying 18 knives in her car. She was taken to a hospital, strip searched, and made $15 in ones.

Costco will require shoppers to wear masks. Those without a mask can buy a box of 500 of them.

NFL QB Jameis Winston – released by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and signed by the New Orleans Saints – said he had LASIK eye surgery. He claims he can now read street signs, and see which defensive backs he’s throwing interceptions to.

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Advocates for the disabled say that Spirit Airlines is leading the way with wide aisles and wheelchair-accessible lavatories. Fully-abled passengers aren’t as happy, since Spirit keeps putting wheelchair passengers in window seats.

Alanis Morissette said she’s going through early stages of menopause while breastfeeding. The hot flashes are so bad, her baby has to blow on the milk.

ESPN apologized for an on-air graphic shown during the NFL Draft. As the Cincinnati Bengals selected WR Tee Higgins, the graphic read that Higgins’ mom fought drug addiction for 16 years.  The New York Giants then selected Tee Higgins’ mom.

A family dog in North Carolina tested positive for coronavirus. The dog’s owners said the saddest part is watching the dog wear a mask and try to lick his own balls. [Story h/t to Michael P.]

Donald Trump plans to force meat processing plants to reopen with new restrictions to protect workers. Trump said he’ll require the hogs to line up six feet apart.

Kim Kardashian has accepted the ‘All In Challenge’ – it’s her biggest All-In Challenge since filming one with Ray J.

ABC reporter Will Reeve went viral for delivering an on-air report for Good Morning America fully dressed above the waist, but wearing no pants. In the morning news business, this is what’s known as a ‘Kathie Lee Gifford’.

The United States now has its 1 Millionth Coronavirus patient, but they were coughing too much to notice all the prizes they won.

An asteroid a mile wide will pass by Earth on April 29th but will not collide with it due to interstellar distancing.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver a virtual Commencement Address via Facebook on May 15th, but Las Vegas casinos are refusing to pay off million-to-one prop bets that Oprah would speak at the University of Phoenix graduation.

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McDonald’s is offering free meals to healthcare workers and first responders, so they can switch things up and have someone take care of them when they become ill.

The U.S. Navy declassified three UFO videos taken by Navy pilots. The UFOs are planning a multi-city flyover to honor the brave extraterrestrials living among us. 

To prove that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is alive, North Korean media published a letter he allegedly sent to South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa dated April 27th. However, in the letter Kim asked Ramaphosa what he wants for Christmas. 

Felicity Huffman’s daughter Sophia was accepted to college based on her own SAT scores. Welcome Sophia Huffman to Strayer University’s Class of 2029. 

Comcast and Verizon have extended their pledge not to disconnect past-due customers through June 30th. Actually, it’ll be a lot longer since they’ll need your phone and internet connected to hound you to pay your bill. 

Camera drone maker DJI upped the specs on its new Mavic Air 2 model to 34 minutes of flight time and 48-megapixel photos – now creeps can hover it outside the bathroom windows of women who take really long showers. 

An ozone hole that formed over the Arctic this spring and grew into the largest ever, has now closed. Although next week it will reopen for curbside ozone pickup only. 

Starting May 1st, portions of Yokohama, Japan’s Unko Museum – dedicated entirely to poop – will be available for virtual tours. If you don’t want to wait until then, you can fill your computer screen with poop by streaming The Ingraham Angle.

The cast of ‘Melrose Place’ is reuniting for an episode of YouTube’s “Stars In The House”, to raise money for out-of-work actors, like most of the cast of ‘Melrose Place’. 

JetBlue announced passengers will be required to wear face masks on flights. Spirit Airlines also made a policy change, announcing passengers will be required to wear pants. 

 

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NBA teams are planning to resume practice. Players already demonstrate social distancing by not running back to play defense.

At professional baseball games in Taiwan, no real fans are in attendance, and seats are filled with cardboard cutouts and mannequins. The players finally noticed when they didn’t see anyone asleep.

Brown University’s President Christina Paxson claims reopening college campuses should be a national priority. “Right on, babe” said frat house douchebros.

In addition to fever, dry cough & shortness of breath, the CDC added 6 additional warning symptoms for coronavirus – giving kids time to practice faking them on school mornings between now and fall.

The NFL Draft received its best tv ratings ever – leading the White House to cast Roger Goodell as the newest co-star of hit series ‘Coronavirus Task Force’.

New York doctors are studying heartburn drug Pepcid as treatment for COVID-19, after seeing improvement in patients who made the mistake of ordering enchiladas from the hospital cafeteria. 

Reality tv star Kristin Cavallari and former NFL QB Jay Cutler announced they’re divorcing. The father of three was summoned to Cavallari’s office and told to turn in his playdate book. 

Philadelphia’s Police Department said they believe as many as 800 officers have been exposed to coronavirus – leaving residents wondering how something could have gotten close to so many Philly cops without bribing them first. 

Tyson Foods warns that the “food supply chain is breaking” as plants close due to workers contracting COVID-19. “We just want to get back to work” said chickens who still don’t get it. 

99-year-old British World War II veteran Captain Tom Moore has the #1 hit song in the U.K., a cover of ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’. However, Moore was hospitalized after attempting to twerk in the accompanying music video. 

 

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Donald Trump suggested coronavirus could be treated by injecting disinfectant, causing the makers of Lysol to say it’s a bad idea, but would kill 99.99% of those who try it.

Nintendo confirmed 160,000 Nintendo store & eShop accounts were accessed in hacking attempts. They recommend activating two-factor authentication, where you first enter a password, then verify your voice saying “It’s-A Me”.

Valerie Bertinelli turned 60 – 21,915 days at a time.

A Fashion Institute of Technology professor of textiles said sweatpants and leggings worn during lockdown can go “a week or two” without washing – adding that when the time is right, they’ll probably just jump in the washer themselves.

Former U.S. Women’s National Soccer team goalie Hope Solo gave birth to twins. The doctor handed them to her, and she resisted the urge to kick them to midfield.

Neiman Marcus is filing for bankruptcy. If they have to ask how much they owe, they can’t afford it.

A 55-year-old man in a surgical mask was arrested for exposing his genitals outside of a Pittsburgh area Target. The store manager was quick to assure everyone that it wasn’t a Target Team Member.

Chipotle shared the recipe for its guacamole – the last line is how you collect $3 from everyone who eats it.

Burger King is giving 10,000 free Whoppers to people who scan a QR code in a commercial, meaning no free food for anyone who left their phone more than six feet away.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia arrested 30 pedophiles targeting children who were taking classes online. Almost all of the accused are trying to convince judges they were teaching Health class.