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Olivia Newton John is auctioning off the black leather jacket & pants she wore as “bad girl Sandy” at the end of ‘Grease’. Her only stipulation is that the auctioneer close bidding by saying “going once..going twice..tell me about it, stud.”

R. Kelly was charged in Minnesota with prostitution and illegal contact with an underaged girl. He already faces charges in New York and Chicago, and will almost certainly be adding more cities to this tour.

Amazon is accused of selling books that promote hatred and white supremacy in its online store — and audio versions of the same books read by White House aide Stephen Miller.

GateHouse Media is merging with Gannett to create the U.S.’ largest newspaper company. It’s the biggest company ever to make a product that nobody wants anymore.

To minimize the nuisance from seagulls, Ocean City, New Jersey hired East Coast Falcons to release trained hawks, falcons & owls to repel the gulls. So far it’s working, but officials received multiple complaints about Speedo-clad hawks bothering women on the beach. 

A new study finds bowls at Chipotle contain cancer-linked non-boiodegradable chemicals. Said a Chipotle spokesperson, “it’s called guacamole”.

A Phoenix postal worker cooked a steak on the dashboard of his delivery truck to draw attention to the “inhumane” working conditions during the Arizona heat wave. He then delivered the steak to the wrong Grubhub customer.

Scottish scientists created an artifical tongue that can identify authentic Scotch whiskey with 99% accuracy and catch counterfeit alcohol. They hope to put the tongues in widespread use once they stop lab employees from stealing and sucking the whiskey out of them.

The NFL’s Houston Texans kicked rookie cornerback Lonnie Johnson, Jr out of a practice against the Green Bay Packers for hitting Packers receivers too hard. Texans coach Bill O’Brien told Johnson to save those concussions for the regular season.

Google is introducing a feature for Android phones where a robotic voice can speak on your behalf to 911 operators. It recognizes phrases like “I’m having a heart attack”, “my house is on fire” and “where is my pizza?”

Following their devaluation of the yuan to minimize tariff impacts, the Trump Administration called China “currency manipulators”. Asked to explain what that means, President Trump said China manipulates its currency to look nothing like U.S. dollars.

 

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A new company is using Artificial Intelligence to help bartenders determine who to serve next in a crowded bar. The AI identifies which customer has the largest breasts.

In India, a 7-year-old boy underwent a procedure to have 526 teeth removed from his jaw…and boy is his bully’s arm tired.

A man speaking into his Apple Watch helped first responders locate him in the rubble of his collapsed house. It’s believed to be the first time anyone moved closer to a douchebag talking into their Apple Watch.

The CrossFit Games wrapped up over the weekend in Madison Wisconsin. Wisconsin dairy farmers want to know when they’re getting their goddamned tractor tires back.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell fell at his Kentucky home and fractured his shoulder. He was transported to a local hospital, where doctors took x-rays to rule out an injury to his backbone, before determining that he doesn’t have one.

A man in Spain was arrested after filming a video throwing a refrigerator off of a cliff. He was ordered by police to haul the refrigerator back up, and was ordered by his wife to clean out the rotten produce drawer.

The Center for Science in the Public Interest released its list of unhealthiest foods from chain restaurants. Their worst offender is Sonic’s Oreo Peanut Butter Master Shake, which has 1,700 calories, and, they claim, is like eating 15 Oreos with a cup of lard. A Sonic spokesperson clarified that the cup of lard costs extra.

Egyptian officials say that King Tut’s coffin is in “very bad condition”, adding “and that’s just the outside.”

The author of a viral post claims to have found a hot dog that tastes like steak. They discovered it by trying the steak at Golden Corral.

The Philadelphia Phillies are suing the company that created their Phillie Phanatic mascot to keep it from working for other teams.  Agents for the Phanatic want more money, and say the Phillies are already paying millions to other guys in Phillies jerseys who can’t hit or pitch.

 

 

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Ancestry.com announced they’re letting everyone – not just paid members – access the records of people and families impacted by the Holocaust. It’s a free promotion that Ancestry calls fun for the whole family!

New Jersey’s Right to Die law went into effect, legalizing assistance in dying to those given less than six months to live, as designated by a certified medical professional or New Jersey Mob Boss.

Needles, California wants to be a 2nd Amendment “sanctuary city”, free from California’s rules regarding guns and ammunition. They call it a sanctuary city because nothing provides sanctuary for someone like shooting them dead.

Doctors in Colorado claim that, since the state legalized recreational marijuana, it’s impacted pot-smokers’ reaction to surgery. Namely, they get high and forget to show up for it.

FX Network will air a 10-episode series, ‘A Teacher’, about a female high school teacher who has an affair with a male student. The series will star Kate Mara, who beat out several dozen real teachers arrested for doing the same thing.

Bravo Network show “‘Southern Charm” shocked viewers as a female cast member accused a male cast member of giving her chlamydia.  Another Bravo Network show, “Watch What Happens Live!” will bring the whole cast on to get penicillin shots.

Americans are disputing the U.S. Government Publishing Office guide to the proper terms describing state residents. For instance, New Hampshire residents are New Hampshirites, Indiana residents are Hoosiers, and Mississippi residents are Numbskulls.

A Cleveland bank robber gave a bank teller a note demanding money. However, the back of the note contained his name and a note he’d written earlier that day at the DMV. He was arrested, and was happy he didn’t have to go back to the DMV.

An Arizona man learned the body of his late mother was sold to the U.S. military, who used it for “blast testing” – strapping the body to a chair, then detonating an explosive underneath. The man is demanding to know what happened to his favorite chair.

A Philadelphia news station captured video of mice running around the dining area of a Popeye’s Chicken restaurant. The mice explained they were lost, and were given a ride back to the KFC where they live.

 

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Former American Idol contestant Antonella Barba will spend a minimum of 10 years in prison following a guilty plea for possession of 400 grams of fentanyl. She will report to jail later this year, and be the early favorite in the prison’s Holiday Talent Show.

Jeff Bezos cashed in $1.8 billion in Amazon stock, netting $1.4 billion in cash after taxes. His girlfriend Lauren Sanchez was seen being fitted for a diamond studded wrist brace to hold up her left hand after she gets the engagement ring she wants.

A 10-year-old Missouri girl stole, then crashed, her mother’s car trying to drive it to McDonald’s. Despite totaling the car, she only suffered minor injuries, and still needs that Lion King Happy Meal.

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant went viral after photos emerged of her lying in an overhead bin during boarding. She got out of the bin when a passenger in that row needed it to store his wife for the trip.

Elizabeth Taylor’s 1961 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud is expected to fetch up to $2 million at auction. The car has been restored with a new top and leather seats, and with several of her ex-husbands cleaned out of the trunk.

CNN held the second of two Democratic Presidential debates. Fallout from the debate is expected to dramatically slash the field of Democratic candidates from 20 to 19.

Mario Lopez apologized for comments he made saying it’s “dangerous” to support transgender kids. Lopez later said the remarks were ignorant and insensitive – but that he just didn’t want children to end up confused like his friend’s son, Screechella.

Kentucky wildlife officials are electrically shocking thousands Asian carp in order to harvest them and gauge how invasive they’ve become. They added that consumers should probably avoid most fish frys in the area.

The meatless Impossible Whopper is coming to every Burger King in the U.S. next week. In response, McDonald’s said they’re offering deals on the Impossible Big Mac – it’s a Big Mac that’s been kept under a heat lamp for 9 hours.

Netflix is accessing the physical activity sensors on smartphones to gauge users movement while accessing the app. They’ll probably stop soon when they figure out that users’ physical activity is “none”.

 

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Uber laid off 400 people on its marketing team – and added 400 people to its driving team.

A recent exposé in The Guardian claims Apple’s ‘Siri’ assistant routinely records people having sex. “Trust me, it’s not as cool as you think” said Siri.

North America will experience its second New Moon of the month on July 31st, also known as a Black Moon. President Trump called the Black Moon a dust-infested dump that should go back where it came from.

Professional eating champion Joey Chestnut spent National Chicken Wing Day in a Hooters restaurant, where he ate 413 wings in 12 hours. Afterward, he had trouble fitting into his shiny orange shorts.

Founder Elon Musk said that Tesla electric vehicles will soon add video streaming from Netflix and YouTube – so drivers can stay entertained while they engage autopilot and the car drives itself into the back of a tractor-trailer.

Julie K. Brown, a Miami Herald reporter whose articles about Jeffrey Epstein led to sex trafficking charges, sold a book that she wrote about him. Epstein did not participate, even though Brown offered to make it a pop-up book.

A passenger on Middle East Airlines gave birth to a baby girl in the plane’s restroom during a flight from Qatar to Lebanon. The unhappiest passengers on the flight were the one who sat next to the crying newborn, and whoever was next in line for the restroom.

Artists installed seesaws that span the U.S./Mexico border so that kids on either side can play together. However, Border Patrol agents are worried that Mexicans will use the seesaws to catapult themselves over the wall into U.S. territory.

44 people in China were injured at a water park when a “tsunami pool” generated a larger-than-expected wave. Officials cited an electrical system malfunction, after a thorough search turned up no signs of Godzilla.

A new study claims that by not eating the core and seeds of apples, people are missing out on most of its healthy gut bacteria. The study looked at the abundance of healthy bacteria in people who choked to death eating apple cores.

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Police in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania are looking for a woman who urinated on potatoes at a Walmart there. The Walmart manager is also looking for her to see if she’s planning to show up for her next shift.

Philadelphia Police believe robbers who stole $4,000 from a Chipotle restaurant are the same ones who robbed two Popeye’s chicken locations over the weekend. Law enforcement remains on the lookout for the Clogged Artery Bandits.

100 million Capital One customers were the victim of a massive data breach. What’s in your wallet? If you’re a hacker, probably a few dozen social security numbers.

Actress and co-star of the original ‘Top Gun’, Kelly McGillis, said she was never contacted about appearing in the ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ sequel, claiming she was Goose’d by producers.

A Maryland man missing for five days in the woods was rescued after being spotted by a volunteer’s drone equipped with a camera. The drone owner said he was surprised to find the man, since he typically only uses it to look in bedroom windows.

Delta Airlines is taking heat for refusing to fly a service dog to the family of a two-year-old in California who suffers from seizure disorders. Delta first said the dog was a pit bull – which is isn’t – then lied again, saying the dog couldn’t open the boarding pass on its smartphone.

Thailand’s highest restaurant and bar opened on the 76th and 77th floor of the King Mahanakhon Skyscraper in Bangkok. Owners are trying to keep the place classy by forcing Bangkok’s notorious hookers to take the stairs.

A new study claims 1 in 4 food delivery workers eat some of the food they’re bringing to customers. Delivery workers say the best way to prevent it from happening is ordering meals for delivery from Arby’s.

A 16-year-old Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania boy won $3 million as Champion of the first-ever Fortnite World cup video game competition. Asked what his plans are for the money, he didn’t know, other than getting the hell out of Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania.

Mat Fraser, “Fittest Man on Earth”, is seeking his fifth gold medal in this weekend’s 2019 Crossfit Games in Madison, Wisconsin. The games will be broadcast by word-of-mouth from everyone who’s constantly telling you they’re doing Crossfit.

 

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Russi Taylor, the voice of Minnie Mouse, passed away. “Now maybe I can watch a ballgame in peace” said Mickey Mouse.

Walmart and Nordstrom are opening stores that don’t sell anything. In the highly competitive brick-and-mortar retail space, they’re each trying to increase foot traffic from shoplifters.

81-year-old Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Trump is considering cutting it in half, to 75 years.

A massive brawl on a British cruise ship was caused by a passenger who arrived for dinner dressed as a clown – proving that even clowns will get their ass kicked if they take all of the crab legs from the buffet.

Lauren Sorrentino, wife of ‘Jersey Shore’ star and convicted felon Mike “The Situtation” Sorrentino, revealed that she got a nose job before their wedding a year ago. Since his incarceration, The Situtation has gotten several physical modifications of his own, but he’s not as happy with them.

The U.S. Coast Guard released video of a frantic boat crew dumping huge bags of cocaine during a Pacific Ocean chase earlier this year. The Coast Guard seized 2,300 pounds of cocaine from the vessel, and the coke that went overboard fueled the biggest Dolphin Rave in history.

A Mom at a Payless shoe store going-out-of-business sale bought all of its remaining inventory, 1,500 pairs of shoes in all. She planned to give them to the poor, but the poor people are holding out for something that looks a lot cooler.

Responding to accusations of cultural insensitivity, Kim Kardashian is changing the name of her Kimono line of shapewear. She hasn’t announced the new name, but her trademark attorney is researching how to say ‘fat ass’ in Japanese.

A guest at a Memphis area Hampton Inn was awakened by a snake draped across her arm. The hotel apologized and explained that it must have escaped from the free breakfast buffet.

Las Vegas is being hit with a wave of flying pallid-wing grasshoppers, with hundreds of thousands of the bugs swarming the city’s bright lights. Residents say this is the closest they’ve come to a biblical plague since the Britney Spears residency.

NBA free agent Jeremy Lin said that he’s hit “rock bottom” and feels that the league has given up on him. He added that, as a Chinese-American with a degree from Harvard, he doesn’t know what other opportunities there are for him outside of basketball.

 

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Website 24/7 Wall Street reviewed unemployment filings to find the most secure jobs. Optometrists, veterinarians, and real estate appraisers had the highest job security; Presidential Cabinet Members had the lowest.

The searing heat in the western U.S. could raise the temperature of the pavement in Las Vegas to 147 degrees. “Come on, 150!” said a gambling addict who bet the over.

Public schools in South Dakota now display the phrase “In God We Trust” in 12-inch letters. The next challenge is giving more than half of South Dakota public school students the ability to read it.

A customer with a handgun shot two robbers at a 7-Eleven in Virginia Beach, killing one. The other was treated for internal injuries from gunshot wounds and the microwave burrito he ate during the robbery.

A Florida man is being treated for a potentially lethal infection on his buttocks caused by flesh-eating bacteria. The flesh eating bacteria are being treated for severe food poisoning.

‘Revenge Body With Khloe Kardashian’ featured a former L.A. gang member trying to get in shape at a boxing ring. The gang-banger said the boxing training was one of the hardest things he’d ever done, along with shooting people and fighting off Khloe Kardashian’s marriage proposals.

McDonald’s reported their biggest sales growth since 2012. CEO Steve Easterbrook cited new menu items, updated stores, and Americans just giving up.

A North Carolina man gave his wife a birthday cake decorated to look like her favorite thing, an Amazon delivery box. Before the party started, the cake was stolen.

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi met face-to-face with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and said afterward that they “don’t have that many differences” – overlooking their differing points of view on impeachment, and Pelosi never having been nearly that hot.

A 7 pound 11 ounce baby born on July 11 at 7:11pm was given a $7,111 college fund by 7-Eleven…who then recognized their mistake and instead gave the infant seven dollars ane eleven cents.

 

 

 

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Shopping malls losing retail tenants are increasingly filling the vacant space with doctor’s offices. This is great news if you want to get a cute new outfit before your appointment with the hot dentist, or if you have a heart attack while mall walking.

On its next scheduled mission, SpaceX will launch an Adidas soccer ball and green slime into outer space. They’re hoping it will help to lure out an 8-year-old who ran away from the International Space Station.

A note passed to a Domino’s Pizza employee at a New Mexico store led to the rescue of a kidnapped woman. Her captor allowed her to enter the store to get a takeout pizza, when she gave the clerk a note indicating she was a captive. The note added “P.S. your pizza sucks.”

Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard said that California Senator Kamala Harris was “not qualified” to be President — kicking off the first Democatfight.

Lifetime channel will produce a follow-up to their hit investigative series ‘Surviving R. Kelly’ — tentatively titled ‘Washing The Pee Off’.

Komiko Love, a single parent known as ‘The Budget Mom’, shared how she eliminated $77,000 in debt in 8 months. She created a strict system of tracking income and expenses, and sold her son.

A Florida man in a Captain America t-shirt was recorded masturbating in front of a female security guard at a gated community. The guard asked him to cover up with his Vibranium shield until more sober Avengers could take him home.

Viral video shows a bison at Yellowstone National Park charging and tossing a 9-year-old girl in the air, after becoming agitated at tourists standing too close. The girl was treated and released, and the bison used a nearby tree trunk to realign his horns.

The House of Representatives voted 429-3 to advance the Stopping Bad Robocalls Act, aimed to reduce unwanted telemarketing calls. The three dissenting voters said they held out because they want to hear more about these zero-percent interest rate credit cards.

A new AAA study claims older drivers are more easily distracted than younger drivers by in-car technology, taking 4-to-8 seconds longer to interact with dashboard systems. AAA claims some systems are poorly designed, while others have no outlets to plug in a Walkman.

FBI agents raided Biological Resource Center in Phoenix, a body-part donation bank, and found a cooler full of detached penises.  Agents removed them from the cooler and they got a lot bigger.

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Twitter released its redesigned site for desktop computers. You can now choose traditional blue & white or other color schemes to read everything that pisses you off.

The Bureau of Labor Statistics released a map showing the job with the highest-paying average annual salary in each state. Congratulations to West Virginia heroin dealers.

David Liddle was arrested near Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island home carrying a baseball bat, lock picks, a crowbar and other tools. He told police he knew her and was planning a visit. Swift later asked cops if they’d seen a guy dropping off her baseball bat and crowbar.

President Trump is seeking to reduce the number of Americans who qualify for food stamps, claiming millionaires are obtaining and abusing them, and that you can’t use them on Big Macs, anyway.

GNC is closing 900 stores, so start finding a website for all that protein you’ll need to stay jacked, bra’.

It was revealed that Neil Armstrong’s family was paid $6 million by the hospital performing his 2012 heart surgery to settle medical malpractice claims. According to his children, it was one small step for justice, one giant leap to the Porsche dealership.

Three adults were charged for their roles in the violent fistfight at Disneyland’s Toontown captured on video this month. They are set to appear in Toontown Family Court.

A Georgia woman who claimed she got cold french fries at McDonald’s took them back to the counter, then fired a handgun in to the kitchen floor. She received a refund on the fries but was still charged for a salt.

Lifetime is turning the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal into a made-for-cable movie. Producers are worried that if they cast Candace Cameron Buré as Lori Loughlin, the entire cable tv system will collapse in on itself like a black hole.

‘El Chapo’ Guzman told a judge prior to his sentencing to life plus 30 years that harsh prison conditions are causing him harm. The judge then ordered him to Supermax for the life sentence, and said he’d consider somewhere nicer for the ‘plus 30 years’ part.