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New England Patriots Rob Gronkowski was criticized for a lewd response to a woman reporter’s question. When asked about returning next season, Gronk said “you guys know my favorite number..ask her..what’s six times nine plus six plus nine?’ ” Gronkowski, who attended the University of Arizona, genuinely didn’t know the answer.

Newsweek reported that President Trump had nothing listed on his official schedule this week except for lunch and an intelligence briefing. “Who the f*** accepted the intelligence briefing?” he shouted at acting Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney.

Researchers at Columbia University have trained artificial intelligence to read brain activity and turn it into speech — great news, except for men looking at women who definitely don’t want their brain activity turned into speech.

Dietitians are warning Americans about the OMAD [One Meal A Day] Diet, a form of intermittent fasting. They’re worried about dieters who follow OMAD’s ’23 hours fasting, one hour of food’ rules, and more worried about the ones whose one meal lasts 23 hours.

Maroon 5 canceled a scheduled news conference to discuss the band’s Super Bowl halftime performance — arguably, the only badass thing they’ve ever done.

MoviePass competitor Sinemia dropped their prices and added a feature allowing subscribers to roll over unused screenings to the next month. This, in addition to Sinemia’s new brand campaign reminding people it’s not a psoriasis drug.

Samsung announced they’re making a 1 TB memory chip for smartphones. Samsung said its power users demand more onboard storage, since they dislike saving their homemade porno movies to the cloud.

McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook discussed the company’s favorable financial results, attributing them to food delivery, more modernized stores, improving their app, and putting a ton of salt in everything.

Kohl’s is partnering with Weight Watchers. They’ll offer in-store workshops and diet coaching for members in the program, and larger sizes for those who quit.

The death toll from the Midwest’s extreme polar cold wave stands at 11. More deaths are expected to be confirmed as soon as the ice is chipped off of people’s necks to check their pulse.

Consumer Reports tested 45 different fruit juice drinks and found 21 contained harmful levels of cadmium, arsenic & lead. There are no reports yet of children being harmed by the high levels of metal, but the kids drinking it are all heavier.

 

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Lady Gaga’s ‘A Star Is Born’ passed Whitney Houston’s ‘The Bodyguard’ in ticket revenue, making it the highest-grossing film ever by a musician. Each of those films passed Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ as soon as they each sold five tickets.

Angelina Jolie is set to star in a new thriller, ‘Those Who Wish Me Dead’ – adapted from divorce proceedings with her ex-husbands.

A blast of polar air descending on the midwestern U.S. will make Chicago colder than Antarctica on Wednesday. It’s so bad, the Chicago Blackhawks are looking forward to leaving early for their Friday game in Buffalo.

Pennsylvania prison officials at SCI Phoenix say that a camera drone followed inmate Bill Cosby while he was outside in the prison yard. The drone hovered for five minutes of material, deleted it, then flew away.

Two Danish clothing designers are finding success with their new apparel line, Carcel. All Carcel items are made by women serving in maximum security prisons in Thailand and Peru. They say their biggest challenge is keeping the inmates from adding pockets for cell phones and chisels.

Alleged NXIVM sex cult leader Keith Raniere made his third request to a judge for immediate release on bail. His lawyer claims that he’s being held without just cause, and also Raniere isn’t thrilled with the sex cults in jail.

The Sackler family, owners of Purdue Pharma – sellers of OxyContin – face a lawsuit accusing them of profiting from the opioid crisis.  The lawsuit is the result of an investigation known as “Operation Duhh”.

A Fox News anchor, Julie Banderas, criticized President Trump on Twitter for “bullying” fellow Fox News journalists John Roberts and Gillian Turner.  Bible historians checked this off their lists, leaving just 6 more signs of the apocalypse to go.

Boston University researchers studying the brain of Atlanta Falcons linebacker Tommy Nobis determined at the time of his death at age 74, he suffered from the most severe form of CTE. NFL doctors also gave Nobis’ brain their most severe CTE rating: Moderate.

A 911 dispatcher in Indiana took a call from a child seeking help with math homework. She helped him solve a problem about fractions, because he was so polite, and because it was more fun than hearing the people on hold shriek about their relatives’ heart attacks.

A man is suing Gwyneth Paltrow, saying she caused him a brain injury and four broken ribs. A judge ruled there needed to be two separate suits — one for the skiing collision with Paltrow that caused the broken ribs, and one for the brain injury which the man sustained from reading Paltrow’s website, Goop.

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The partial Government shutdown cost the U.S. economy $3 billion. The only other organization where it costs that much for 800,000 people to not work for a month is Walmart.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced on ’60 Minutes’ that he’s “seriously considering” a run for President. Starbucks baristas are already writing on cups: ‘Harold Schwartz 2020!’

Fox Television aired a pre-recorded version of ‘Rent’ for its ‘Rent Live!’ telecast Sunday night, after lead actor Brennin Hunt – who played Roger – was injured in dress rehearsal. It was either air the recording, or do the show live and have Roger say he got AIDS from a sprained ankle.

New research finds that participation in youth sports results in stronger bones for teens and young adults. The findings were confirmed by an independent panel of bullies who all agreed it’s easier to break the bones of kids who aren’t athletes.

American and Taliban officials have reportedly agreed to a framework of a deal which could lead to a pullout of U.S. troops in exchange for the Taliban leaving areas of Afghanistan. The Taliban says they’ll sign it as soon as they figure out who to decapitate to get the blood for the signature.

‘Teen Mom’ star Kailyn Lowry fired back at critics after she admitted to not vaccinating two of her three children. Lowry said she knows what’s best for her children, except for how to prevent having them while a teenager.

A student in Belgium died after reheating and eating spaghetti that had been left at room temperature for five days. A post-mortem exam revealed he died of bacterial poisoning from B. cereus — as in, “you can’t B cereus eating five-day old spaghetti.”

Glenn Close won a SAG Award for Best Actress in ‘The Wife’ — and also for her breasts.

President Trump is ‘..pissed off’ at former White House staffer Cliff Sims upcoming tell-all book ‘Team of Vipers’. Trump reportedly asks “who is this guy?”, calling Sims “the videographer” since he helped with weekly video messages. Staffers are asking Trump to ignore it, including Mike Pence. “Pence? Who is this guy?” Trump said.

A Business Insider poll states that one in three iPhone owners aren’t upgrading because of high prices and a lack of new features. “Hey, I have a family to feed!” said a worried 10-year-old on an iPhone assembly line.

 

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Absenteeism from the flu outbreak has closed schools in 12 different states. Students are reminded to practice good hygiene like hand-washing, and not kissing the teacher they’re having sex with if she or he has the flu.

Astrophysicists from Spain accessing the Hubble Space Telescope released what they’re calling “the deepest images of the universe ever taken from space” – resulting in the researchers seeing millions of hidden stars, and thousands of billboards for Pedro’s South of the Border.

MLB’s San Diego Padres are officially switching back to brown & gold uniforms starting with the 2020 season. The Padres used brown as their primary color from 1969, when they first formed, through 1991, when they decided they were tired of looking like dung.

A 10-year-old Kentucky boy won his science fair with a project calling QB Tom Brady a cheater, by showing underinflated footballs are thrown more accurately. The boy’s findings and project stunned adults who couldn’t believe they hold science fairs in Kentucky.

A non-venomous carpet python in a toilet bit a 59-year-old Brisbane, Australia woman on the buttocks while she urinated. The woman was treated for her injury but still thanked the snake for putting the seat down.

President Trump agreed to reopen the U.S. Government for three weeks while Congress negotiates border security. Trump said he hasn’t ruled out using Executive Orders to declare two national emergencies — one to demand a border wall, and one to demand the year-round offering of McRib.

The New York Times reports Facebook plans to integrate back-office operations of its Messenger, Instagram & WhatsApp products, claiming it will be easier for them to steal and sell your personal data just once instead of three times.

The Centers for Disease Control linked an eight-state salmonella outbreak to hedgehogs. The CDC warned people not to “snuggle or kiss” hedgehogs —  real ones, not your boyfriends and girlfriends.

A new study in the journal ‘Science Advances’ suggests Alzheimer’s could be caused by a gum infection. Doctors found a high number of seniors with no teeth who couldn’t remember losing them.

A flight attendant died of an apparent heart attack on a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Honolulu to New York.  Passengers described the cabin erupting in bedlam when they  realized they couldn’t locate the exits.

NYPD officer James Wong, 35, was arrested following an argument when he punched his 63-year-old mother in the face. Wong remains free on bond. He also remains a policeman, not a doctor like his mother wanted.

Tinder settled a price discrimination lawsuit for charging users over age 30 twice as much for their Tinder Plus premium product. Tinder defended the higher pricing, saying it offset costs of refunds demanded by younger users tricked into sex with geezers.

 

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Anne Hathaway said that she’s going to stop drinking alcohol for the next 18 years while she raises her child. Which doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, then you realize at some point she’ll be reading reviews of ‘The Princess Diaries 3′.

A petition is circulating to get Maroon 5 to cancel their Super Bowl halftime show in support of NFL players’ right to protest, and also because it’s Maroon 5.

Carnival Cruise Lines announced that they’ll be offering the first ocean liner with an on-board roller coaster. The coaster will allow Carnival passengers who manage to avoid rampant norovirus to also get seasick.

John Travolta, in an interview with Us Weekly, credited the Church of Scientology with helping him through the unexpected death of his son 10 years ago – calling it some of the best money he’s ever spent.

YouTube says it will recommend fewer videos that spread political misinformation and conspiracy theories. Coming on the heels of their recently-announced ban of dangerous prank videos, people are justifiably questioning what’s left to watch.

Nike announced a deal to become Major League Baseball’s official uniform and footwear supplier starting in 2020. They asked for a one-year delay to allow time to find baseball players to kneel on the dugout steps during the National Anthem.

Ben Affleck was photographed leaving a dentist’s office with his mouth packed so full of cotton he couldn’t close it. He then checked into rehab for novocaine addiction.

Billionaire Michael Bloomberg used a speech in Virginia to liken Donald Trump to Freddy Krueger, adding that “instead of ..Nightmare on Elm Street, we’ve got Trump and the Nightmare on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue”. Critics were swift to point out the flaw, in that Freddy Krueger was actually pretty good at his job.

The air traffic controllers union says that flight delays at Laguardia, Newark & Philadelphia airports are a direct result of the government shutdown. While the baggage handlers union at Philadelphia’s airport say flight delays are hindering their ability to lose and steal luggage.

FBI agents stormed the Florida home of Roger Stone before dawn, arresting him on charges stemming from the Mueller investigation. A confused, agitated Stone appeared at his front door in pajamas, telling the middle-aged men that brunch didn’t start for five more hours.

 

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Apple will switch all iPhone displays to OLED starting in 2020, saying their customers demand the highest-resolution screen that breaks when it falls on the sidewalk.

Fox News anchor Bret Baier returned to work after crashing his rental car on a family ski trip to Montana. Baier thanked motorists and first responders for helping him and his family, then issued a blistering five-minute editorial blaming the icy, liberal highway.

Uber is rolling out Uber Rewards, its new loyalty program. The tiered system awards 1 point per dollar spent on Uber Pool or Eats, 2 points on UberX, 3 points on UberBlack, and 100 points for settling a sexual harassment lawsuit against a driver.

McDonald’s is offering ‘Bacon Hour’ from 4 to 5 p.m. on January 29th. Customers can get a free side of applewood smoked bacon with any purchase; McDonald’s said this is part of ongoing efforts to offer customers healthier options than their traditional menu.

Following their overtime loss in the AFC Championship Game, the Kansas City Chiefs fired their defensive coordinator Bob Sutton. Several Chiefs defensive players went to hug Sutton on his way out and missed.

Netflix joined the Motion Picture Association of America. Because the impact of those top-quality Adam Sandler movies on there just can’t be ignored any longer.

Cars.com named the Mazda MX-5 Miata winner of their “Most Fun Car to Drive” award. It’s the second of two awards for the two-seater convertible, the other being the “Car Most Guys Wouldn’t Be Caught Dead In” award.

President Trump will not be allowed to give his State of the Union address in the House of Representatives, due to a refusal from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Trump is evaluating other locations, and is in talks with the Speaker of the House of Pancakes.

  • Trump is reportedly preparing different versions of his speech depending on where it’s given. If it’s in Washington, it starts “My fellow Americans and members of Congress.” If it’s at a campaign rally, it starts “Greetings, suckers.”

Microsoft reports that Bing is down in China. Several Microsoft employees were dispatched to help Bing back to her feet.

Hyundai is making a new airbag system, to protect passengers when a vehicle is hit several times in a single accident. Hyundai will field test cars that get hit multiple times, so they recruited 100 eighty-year-old drivers, and expect the results in a couple of hours.

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‘Crazy Rich Asians’ was shut out of Oscar nominations, drawing immediate, sharp criticism from crazy, rich, Asians.

  • ‘Black Panther’ became the first superhero movie to receive a Best Picture nomination – thrilling crazy, rich, Wakandans.

The Supreme Court temporarily upheld the Trump Administration’s ban on transgender persons in the military – simplifying the jobs of those in charge of military wardrobes.

Michael Gandolfini, son of dead actor James Gandolfini, will play Tony Soprano in a prequel film to ‘The Sopranos’.  Michael won the part with his audition tape – a video of him having sex to climax in 15 seconds wearing only a wifebeater and black socks on prom night.

22 cases of measles have been reported in Clark County, Washington state. Parents defended not vaccinating their children, believing they were in the clear when they kicked a kid named Rubella out of the play group.

Los Angeles school teachers agreed to terms on a deal that will end a six-day strike. Teachers said they’re looking forward to returning to work, but also that they really liked having a week to spend time with their favorite dropouts.

President Trump is looking at alternate dates & locations for the State of the Union, since Speaker Nancy Pelosi won’t invite him to do so before Congress. He’s reportedly asked to speak during the Super Bowl pregame, but networks don’t know how they’ll squeeze him in during those 12 hours.

Apple is running a contest to identify 10 of the best photos taken on an iPhone. Winning photos may be placed on billboards in large cities, depending on how those cities feel about 50-foot-wide pictures of penises and bare breasts.

A University of Michigan poll finds that 7 of 10 parents rely on “folklore strategies” – such as taking vitamin C & zinc; and staying indoors – to treat children’s common colds. Instead, parents should focus on hygiene such as hand washing,  and fun folklore solutions like whiskey drinking.

New research shows the number of Americans receiving liver transplants for alcohol-related liver failure steadily growing.  Experts credit excess drinking for those getting livers, and excess drinking and driving for those giving them.

Hundreds of Internal Revenue Service workers received permission to work from home during the partial government shutdown – meaning, your tax audit will likely happen via Facetime after your auditor gets back from a movie matinee.

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The FDA is considering recalling furloughed food safety inspectors, citing the popularity of Chipotle’s new Lifestyle Bowls.

Ford sold out of a new $110,000 variant of its Lincoln Continental in just two days – the car is the first in years with center-opening “suicide doors”.  Although the Mexican drug gangs purchasing most of the vehicles prefer calling them “drive-by doors”.

Uber is experimenting with self-driving bikes and scooters, for people who can’t afford riding in self-driving cars, but who still want to be involved in fatal accidents.

Samsung may release three different versions of its upcoming Galaxy S10 phone, so customers can choose whether they want to keep their pocket warm, start a fire on an end table, or burn their whole house down.

GoFundMe launched a fundraising campaign to help furloughed Federal government workers. For just $750, you can buy a Pentagon purchasing employee a bag lunch.

The National Football League announced the referees for the Super Bowl. They selected every on-field & replay official graded “terrible” during the regular season, so fans can set their expectations accordingly.

Chinese authorities declared the work of He Jiankui – creator of the first gene-edited babies – illegal. He engineered the babies to be resistant to HIV. Authorities said they may consider leniency if his ‘genetically engineered boys with huge penises’ idea pans out.

Atlanta’s Mercedes-Benz Stadium – site of the Super Bowl – will keep ‘Fan First’ pricing in effect for concessions. Hot dogs will still be $2 and a beer will cost $5. The only exception: earplugs sold prior to the Maroon 5 halftime show, which will sell for $99.

Two women found a five-foot crater in the sand while walking on a New Jersey beach. They believe that it may have been caused by a meteorite strike, because of a rock they found in the center, and because Chris Christie hadn’t been to that beach in months.

President Trump marked Monday’s national holiday with a visit to the grave of Martin Luther King, Jr. Trump laid a wreath on the grave and wished King a belated Merry Christmas.

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Kenneth Connin, a 27-year-old quadriplegic, realized his lifelong dream of performing in a gay porno movie. Although he wasn’t able to realize his other lifelong dream, providing the money shot in it. [h/t to anonymous contributor!]

  • Filming took longer than expected, because for multiple takes, when the director shouted “rolling!”, Connin wheeled out of frame.

Fox News mistakenly aired a graphic that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg died. They apologized for the error, but told the intern who made it not to delete it altogether.

Pornhub reports that traffic is way up during daytime hours in Washington, DC. They attribute the shift to the U.S. government shutdown, and the speedy new router and laptops that Donald & Barron Trump got for Christmas.

Delta Airlines introduced a new “streamlined” boarding process, where passengers will board the aircraft by fare type. First class goes first, followed by Gold & Platinum members, then Main Cabin 1, 2 & 3 — and, finally, Basic Economy passengers will be told to go home.

In an effort to minimize injury from warehouse collisions, Amazon workers are being given vests that send signals to robots to recognize and move around them.  Accidents haven’t been completely eliminated, as sentient robots still run over human coworkers they dislike.

An organizational behavior professor at Stanford claims that workplace stress from employees who hate their jobs accounts for 8 percent of U.S. companies’ annual health costs and 120,000 deaths each year — and that’s not even counting the shootings.

Tesla announced it’s ending a customer referral program, where Tesla owners get free vehicle charging in exchange for getting friends to buy a Tesla. They were losing money underestimating how many rich a-hole friends that rich a-hole Tesla owners could refer.

DJI, the world’s largest manufacturer of flying drones, uncovered an employee fraud scheme totaling $150 million. Multiple employees have been fired; however, the whereabouts of the money is up in the air.

Backstreet Boys will release their newest album on January 25th, titled ‘DNA’ – which stands for Do Not Allow your friends to know you bought it.

Facebook launched a new petition feature to compete with sites like Change.org. The first petition asked Facebook to stop exploiting user privacy & personal data, posted by employees of Change.org.

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A woman trading in an iPhone 7 at T-Mobile is suing the carrier, saying store employees looked through her photos, found a private nude video she’d made, and watched it. The employees said that, like the phone, it took up a lot of their memory.

  • The employees also said that although the phone was an iPhone 7, the nude woman was closer to an iPhone 5.

Philadelphia Eagles wideout Alshon Jeffery, who dropped a pass that possibly lost the team’s NFC playoff game, visited a 2nd grade class who had written him letters. He thanked most of the children, but wanted to know where one of them learned the language used in the letter.

Microsoft pledged $500 million to create affordable housing around Seattle, then laid off 10,000 workers to build it.

Coinstar machines will sell Bitcoin  – finally giving savvy individuals with empty Ragu jars full of loose change in Walmart lobbies the perfect investment for them.

An Irish man was admitted to a hospital after repeatedly injecting himself with his own semen in an effort to cure his back pain. While in the hospital, he kept asking nurses if their back hurt.

Netflix added 8.8 million subscribers in the recent fiscal quarter, and says it now accounts for 10 percent of U.S. screen time, trailing only cable’s 15% and porn’s 75%.

Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen claims he paid a company to inflate online polls in favor of Trump in the run-up to the 2016 election – this, in addition to paying women to keep quiet about inflating Trump’s pole.

A source tells People magazine that Jeff & MacKenzie Bezos plan to be “adult” about their divorce, and will share parenting of their children with each other and Alexa.

M. Night Shyamalan’s new movie debuted to brutal reviews – critics agree ‘Glass’ blows.

A 29-year-old Texas woman pretended to be autistic in order to con a caregiver into sex.  The caregiver grew suspicious when the woman didn’t insist on having sex an even number of times.