By |

Ariana Grande is being accused of appropriating an Asian appearance for personal gain, also known as ‘asianfishing’, also known as ‘sushiing’.

A D.C. Capitol staffer was arrested for bringing an unlicensed gun to work. He said he needed it for his Christmas card picture.

A fire captain in Arizona created a line of bulletproof vests for high school children. For an extra fee he’ll print the school mascot on it in time for the big pep rally.

A viral photo shows an 8-pound rib roast selling for $247 at an upstate New York Wegman’s grocery store. The good news is the purchaser used their shoppers club points to save fifty cents on a tank of gas.

Actress Rebel Wilson, a self-described former ‘funny fat girl’, said in an interview that her team didn’t want her to lose weight. Wilson, who’s lost 70 pounds, said her team was made up of her agent, and three on-call Grubhub drivers.

Actor Josh Hartnett told an Australian morning show the reason why he “stepped away” from Hollywood, which rhymes with “funenjoyment”.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson is facing calls for his resignation over a leaked video discussing an illegal 2020 Christmas party while the country was in lockdown. Critics say the party risked national health because of coronavirus, and the party being catered by KFC.

Reality star Josh Duggar, formerly of TLC’s ’19 Kids And Counting’, was convicted of child pornography charges. He now faces 20 years and counting.

Philadelphia Police Commissioner Danielle Outlaw declined comment on rumors she’s leaving for the same job in New York City. Outlaw said the rumors are just that, but that she’s fully qualified to help New York’s murder totals soar like they have in Philly.

40 camels were disqualified from a Saudi Arabian beauty pageant – paying $66 million to the winner – because they’ve received Botox & plastic surgery. The contest was already marred by two assistants kicked to death putting swimsuits on the contestants.

By |

Parts of Hawai’i received up to two feet of rain on Monday & Tuesday. “I can’t remember this area seeing something this bad” said attendees at the 80th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

The Christmas tree outside of Fox News in New York caught fire, after briefly coming into contact with Tucker Carlson’s pants.

Olaf Scholz officially succeds Angela Merkel as Chancellor of Germany, after the country decided they needed leadership with an even-more-German-sounding name.

The Blanco Fracture Zone, a fault line off the Oregon coast, generated 40 earthquakes in 24 hours. Oregonian hipsters were cool with it, though, because they were organic.

Donald Trump’s new social media company filed a presentation with the Securities & Exchange Commission that only gave partial names of its employees, listing a Senior Mobile Developer as “BJ”. New CEO Devin Nunes said they confused “employees” and “benefits”.

One of the accusers in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking trial said Maxwell “assessed her body” for presentation to Epstein when she was just 14. And whaddaya know?…she passed. [Editors Note: Ghislaine Maxwell is a goddamned monster and should never see freedom again.]

Workers at three Starbucks shops in Buffalo, NY are voting to unionize. Union organizers say the workers need to be treated fairly, while Starbucks said the union’s request for snow days will put the stores out of business within a week.

China’s Yutu 2 lunar rover captured images of a mysterious “hut” on the far side of the Moon. Little is known about the hut, except for its red roof and a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man console.

The Omicron variant of COVID-19 was confirmed in Florida. It didn’t want to go, but it needed to use air & hotel miles before the end of the year.

NASA announced they’ve commissioned a new telescope to see inside black holes, and also graduated 10 new astronauts – five of whom aren’t thrilled to be sent into whatever black holes the telescope finds.

By |

U.S. billionaire and art collector Michael Steinhardt agreed to surrender $70 million in stolen artwork – $69,999,998 in rare portraits & antiquities, along with ‘Dogs Playing Poker’.

Researchers found taking Viagra cuts the risk of Alzheimer’s by up to 69 percent. Sadly the other 31 percent don’t realize they’re walking around with a huge erection.

GOP Congressman Devin Nunes announced he’s resigning to become CEO of Donald Trump’s new social media platform, despite a pre-politics background in dairy farming. Nunes claims to be qualified, since he grew up shoveling bullshit.

Travelers flying to the United States must test negative for COVID-19 a day before their arrival, or get a signed agreement from their dog to share the crate.

The United Arab Emirates announced it’s switching to a 4-and-a-half day work week, and a Saturday/Sunday weekend, to better align with Western cultures. Men look forward to spending the additional time with their kids and wives.

68 ICU doctors & nurses at a Malaga, Spain hospital tested positive for COVID-19 after a superspreader office Christmas party. The most popular ‘stolen’ gifts in the party’s White Elephant swap were gift bags of monoclonal antibodies and Remdesivir.

George Cacioppo, a 64-year-old Sony Playstation executive, was fired after being caught in a sting soliciting sex with a decoy pretending to be a 15-year-old boy. Cacioppo didn’t end up getting the sex, or the Call Of Duty tips he was looking forward to.

Amazon launched subscription service Alexa Together, using Amazon Devices and digital assistants to monitor the health and activities of seniors. Subscribers can simply ask “Alexa, is my rich grandfather dead yet?”

Kyle Rittenhouse appeared on a BlazeTV podcast and said “f**k you Lebron”, over Lebron James’ criticism of Rittenhouse crying on the witness stand. Rittenhouse said he used to be a Lebron fan, because he was also a great shooter.

Zion National Park in Utah announced anyone hiking the Angels Landing rock formation after April, 2022 will have to win a lottery to get a permit. “Congratulations on your fractured skull or broken ankle!” reads the email sent to winners.

By |

A blizzard warning was issued for parts of Hawai’i, as heaven freezes over.

A South Carolina nurse was charged with creating and issuing fake COVID-19 vaccination cards, after a dozen of her friends bragged about getting three shots of the Madonna vaccine.

An Italian man tried to dodge the COVID vaccine by wearing a fake silicone arm. for which he’s believed to have paid 488 Euros. He was caught, and his wife is furious he stole the money out of her fake silicone body parts savings fund.

Women named Alexa are changing their names because of Amazon’s digital assistant. That, and they’re sick of being asked about state capitals and what time it is.

A man was arrested after jumping out of a taxiing jet and locking himself in a closet at Phoenix Airport. His family claims he’s schizophrenic and thought he was being chased – a claim disputed by a gremlin who rode the flight on the jet’s wing.

The CEO of Better.com was criticized for firing 900 employees over a Zoom call. Then he announced the company was now called Smaller.com.

New York City will mandate COVID vaccines for all private sector employees – a move supported by the head of the pickpockets union and the Council Of Pimps.

Switzerland approved use of the Sarco Suicide Pod – a portable chamber where those seeking to die enter a code, climb in, and die within a minute from nitrogen inhalation. The Netherlands is testing a similar pod using methane, called the Dutch Oven.

KFC is testing a new dipping sauce, ‘Sweet Hot Capital City Mambo Sauce’, in three U.S. cities. They say it’s in response to research where customers expressed a strong desire to get the taste of KFC out of their mouths.

CNN fired anchor Chris Cuomo after an internal review supported allegations of sexual misconduct. Meanwhile, a Fox News review concluded some of their anchors sexually harassed coworkers, so they were given their own primetime shows.

By |

Researchers at University of California developed a reusable ice cube that lasts 13 hours without melting or growing mold – great news for blackout alcoholics who like to wake up with their drink still cold.

One of Jeffrey Epstein’s butlers testified at Ghislaine Maxwell’s trial that one of his duties was to clean a two-headed dildo used in Epstein’s massage room and return it to Maxwell’s bathroom. He also testified of the many uses of Dawn dish detergent.

A rare all-white sperm whale was spotted in the Caribbean, acting like it was better than the more common gray and black sperm whales.

HBO executives worried that The Sopranos actor James Gandolfini was going to die because of his alcohol and drug binges. Gandolfini finished the series, but was eventually whacked by his own heart.

Governor Ron Desantis is proposing a 200-person paramilitary force that reports to him, with no federal accountability. However, they may not garner much respect since he wants to name them the ‘Florida Men’.

A Florida bride passed out and vomited from dehydration during her wedding ceremony, then her infant nephew defecated on her dress at the reception. The story was the featured event on the Society Page of the Daytona Beach News-Journal.

Drug lord Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman’s wife, Emma Coronel Aispuro, was sentenced to 36 months in a California prison for her role in drug cartel activity. She begged the judge for leniency, saying it will take her 10-year-old twin daughters at least a year to build a tunnel to visit her.

A Houston woman claims she’s pregnant with NBA star – and Khloe Kardashian’s baby-daddy – Tristan Thompson’s child, after Thompson spent too much time in the shooting lane.

President Biden’s new COVID-19 policies allow for free at-home testing. Trump supporters are already complaining of false negative results after urinating on the test swabs.

Malls and event planners are encountering a nationwide shortage of Santas this holiday season. “Of COURSE you are, there’s only one, you dipsh*ts!” said a 6-year-old economist.

By |

Burger King is selling Whoppers for 37 cents this weekend, but reminds cheapskates planning to load up that they make terrible, smelly stocking-stuffers.

Google Maps added the ability to place restaurant reservations. “For the thousandth time, we don’t take reservations” said annoyed workers at a New Jersey Turnpike rest area Roy Rogers.

The first U.S. case of the Omicron COVID-19 variant was identified in San Francisco. It’s expected to spread rapidly because it’s just too expensive to live there.

Alec Baldwin told ABC News George Stephanopolous he “didn’t pull the trigger” on the gun that fired a lethal shot on a movie set. The NRA then promptly added the Easy Shoot Cowboy Pistol to its 2021 Holiday Buyers Guide.

Christian televangelist and anti-vaxxer Christian Lamb died from COVID-19. His wife announced the news on their Daystar Television Network, saying COVID came in like a lion, and took out a Lamb.

After failing to reach a new labor agreement, Major League Baseball owners voted unanimously to lock out players. A reminder that this lockout is brought to you by Bud Light Seltzer, the official hard seltzer of Major League Baseball. For the loudest flavors ever, it’s Bud Light Seltzer.

Tesla unveiled the $1,900 ‘Cyberquad’, a fully-electric children’s all-terrain vehicle. However, purchasers have to build it themselves with instructions from a 22-page manual, so kids should be driving it around Christmas 2025.

A new dinosaur species found in Chile had a unique bladed tail it would slash as a weapon, proving that even male dinosaurs would risk it all trying to chase some tail.

Pope Francis accepted the resignation of Paris Archbishop Michel Aupetit over his “intimate relationship” with a woman, with “intimate” defined by the Vatican handbook as “over the sweater second base”.

A study of National Basketball Association players & staff found vaccinated people with breakthrough COVID infections may be less likely to spread the virus. They tested a sample of NBA players, and an even bigger sample of their away-game side pieces.

By |

Chicago police arrested an 11-year-old boy for a series of carjackings. He will be charged as a juvenile and likely lose his five-star Uber driver rating.

Andre Dickens was elected the new Mayor of Atlanta, overcoming voter concerns that they were really voting for Andy Dick.

Scientists discovered the fossilized remains of dinosaur Kyhytysuka. They say the marine predator possessed an “arsenal of teeth”, which was good for devouring large prey, but not great for attracting or keeping boyfriends.

A Russian cannibal – who confessed to murdering and eating victims – was arrested after a decapitated body fell out of the trunk of his crashed car. He admitted he was running late with the delivery to one of his regular Grubhub customers.

Alice Sebold, author of The Lovely Bones, apologized to the man who wrongly served 16 years in prison for her rape. However, she withheld any apology for the terrible film adaptation of The Lovely Bones.

A South Carolina jury awarded $10 million to a woman who lost her leg from complications after stepping on a rusty nail inside a Walmart. The complications were treatment she received from a part-time stockboy at Walmart Urgent Care.

Kyle Rittenhouse is no longer a registered nursing student at Arizona State University, saying they already have enough guys with AR-15s providing security at keg parties.

A FedEx driver is accused of dumping packages at a ravine in Alabama six different times. The investigation was complicated because all six times, the same possum signed for the deliveries.

As Kim Kardashian and estranged husband Kanye West attended a Miami funeral for designer Virgil Abloh, Pete Davidson attended a New York Knicks game with his sister. Davidson now has a new hickey and says he & his sister are just friends.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star / now out gay man Colton Underwood said he tried to “suppress his homosexuality” daily with Xanax, adding that boner-free televised makeout sessions with women in hot tubs wasn’t suppression enough.

By |

Scientists discovered a new ‘super jelly’, a gelatinous subtance that can retain its shape even after being run over by a truck. They discovered it under the peanut butter in a public school cafeteria sandwich.

Xenobots, the world’s first ‘living’ robots created from stem cells, can now reproduce. The researchers who created them plan to share video at a biology conference, right after they upload it to Pornhub.

8-year-old North West started a joint TikTok account with her mom, Kim Kardashian. She already has over 1.2 million followers, because if there’s anyone who knows how to create a following with video, it’s Kim Kardashian.

Virologist Alex Sigal, who helped discover the Omicron variant of COVID-19, warned of its potential, saying Omicron has already been admitted to four Ivy League schools.

The Gucci family slammed the recent Ridley Scott drama ‘House of Gucci’, saying it portrays the family as “ignorant” and that they may sue. Scott’s lawyers plan a vigorous defense, saying if the Guccis spent $12 each to watch his awful movie, they really are ignorant.

Philadelphia’s Chocolate Ballerina Company – a dance group featuring persons of color – will debut ‘The Nutcracker Dipped In Chocolate‘, allowing a more diverse ethnic representation of performers to bore an audience for three hours.

NASA postponed a planned International Space Station spacewalk on account of debris. They’ll reschedule once SpaceX and Blue Origin launch crews of repeat DUI offenders to clean the debris up.

Madonna got a new tattoo on her wrist – Hebrew characters which, loosely translated, read “my wrist hurts”.

University of Southern California apologized for fans chanting “f*** the Mormons” during Saturday’s football loss to Brigham Young University. In reply, BYU fans in attendance chanted “Ok, but we need to get married first”.

Tiger Woods told Golf Digest that, in the wake of his auto accident, he’ll never be a “full-time player” again, saying that he now only has two side pieces.

By |

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un banned leather jackets, to keep citizens from stealing his ‘look’. This is devastating news to the motorcycle-riding former Coolest Guy in North Korea, Han-zie.

Madonna criticized Instagram for removing photos she’d posted where her nipple was visible. Instagram said it wasn’t seeing the nipple that was offensive, it was seeing the bite marks that Dennis Rodman left there.

A webcam model posing nude with an 9mm pistol shot herself in the vagina. She was treated for her injuries and given Plan B, since neither she nor the gun was using protection.

Claudia Lennear, 74, the black woman who supposedly inspired the Rolling Stones’ ‘Brown Sugar‘, said she’s sad the band no longer plays it because of its controversial lyrics. The Stones said they may play an updated song about her, ‘Brown Dust’.

A New Zealand politician rode her bicycle to the hospital while in labor, where she delivered a healthy baby girl an hour later. Her husband gave her the ‘push present’ she asked for, a new bicycle seat.

A woman allegedly breastfed a cat on a Delta Air Lines flight, and refused to stop when confronted by flight attendants. The woman said it was the only way she could get the cat to stop crying.

Jack Dorsey is stepping down as CEO of Twitter, saying he’s had enough of being a leader, now he’ll be a follower.

Panera Bread is redesigning its restaurants to focus on a cozier dining space, improved drive-thrus, and a dedicated area for customers to ponder how it is they just spent $15 on a bowl of soup and half a sandwich.

A fan crowdsurfing at a GWAR concert in L.A. lost his prosthetic leg, but was reunited with it after the band asked for help. Not so lucky were the four people losing real limbs in the mosh pit.

A Guatemalan man survived a three-hour flight from Guatemala City to Miami as a stowaway in the landing gear compartment of an American Airlines jet. He was taken into custody, where he told authorities he didn’t have the $199 it takes to fly in the same spot on Spirit Airlines.

By |

Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.