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HBO will reboot ‘Sex and the City’, but without Kim Cattrall’s Samantha. It will be titled ‘A Lot Less Sex and the City’.

The New York Times reports there’s a nationwide sperm shortage, and women are turning to Facebook groups to find donors. Group moderators are having a tough time screening thousands of requests to join the groups from 16-year-olds.

Conservative free speech social media site Parler has been taken down. A temporary landing page directs Parler insurrectionists plotting violent overthrows of the U.S. Government to use Evite.

Melania Trump gave an official statement via Twitter today. She addressed the D.C. riots & COVID-19 while thanking supporters, and touted an offer for a $49.99 decoder ring to find the secret message from her husband in the statement.

Chicago Bears wide receiver Cordarrelle Patterson was caught on a hot mic saying the f word during Nickelodeon’s airing of an NFL Wild Card playoff game. After the game, Patterson admitted to being a fan of You Can’t Do That On Television.

The New York State Bar Association is exploring disbarment of Rudy Giuliani for his role inciting insurrection on January 6th, and for causing irreparable harm to the public image of Just For Men.

Six inmates escaped the Merced County, California jail using a ‘homemade rope’. Prison officials promptly blocked HGTV from the inmate lounge and cancelled all arts & crafts classes.

Joe Biden nominated William Burns as Director of the CIA. “Excellent”, said Burns.

Samsung debuted a cleaning robot that doubles as a home monitoring device, so it’ll know when the coast is clear to steal your jewelry.

The FBI is asking for the public’s help identifying the man seen carrying a Confederate Flag through the Capitol Building, since no useful information was obtained in interviews with Bo, Luke, Daisy, Cooter and Roscoe P. Coltrane.

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The FCC certified the next generation of wifi. Soon you may notice a speed boost in the signal you’re stealing from your neighbor.

Denmark’s new animated children’s show ‘John Dillermand’, features a man with a gigantic, uncontrollable penis. It airs along with another new animated show about a paraplegic, ‘Mrs Dillermand’.

A University of Tennessee Chattanooga football coach lost his job after calling Georgia’s Stacey Abrams “Fat Albert” on Twitter. Said the university President: “hey hey hey..you’re fired”.

High-end rare-sneaker reseller to the stars, Benjamin Kickz, was arrested and jailed in Miami for felony robbery. He was not placed on suicide watch because the shoelaces are really valuable too.

The Buffalo Bills are reportedly close to finding a naming rights sponsor for their home field, currently called Freezing Cold Dump Of A Stadium.

KFC introduced the KFC Chicken Sandwich, which it calls ‘an upgrade in every way’ over its current Crispy Colonel sandwich. The new sandwich has 20% more chicken, or, 40% of the meat.

The U.S.’ newest national park is New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. Because it’s in West Virginia, it’s the only national park with a licensed concession stand to purchase meth and opioids.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao both resigned from their Cabinet positions. They’re the first two female Trump appointees to quit on the same day without also filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

Miya Ponsetto, 22, was arrested in California for assaulting a 14-year-old boy at a New York City hotel who she’d falsely claimed stole her phone. She may fight extradition from Los Angeles to New York, until cops lie and tell her its for an audition.

Boeing agreed to pay $2.5 billion in fines after lying to the FAA about the 737 MAX engineering problems. It’s the largest such settlement for airline deceit, at least until Spirit Airlines settles lawsuits regarding their claiming “it’s a great way to fly”.

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Whole Foods CEO John Mackey said people wouldn’t need health care if they ate right. He then visited his friend in the hospital who’s battling cancer with kale.

Kanye West is reportedly divorcing Kim Kardashian’s ass – which is legally accurate since it has its own separate attorney.

Conflicting reports say the couple is not yet divorcing, but are in couples counseling. The sessions last an hour, then someone other than Kanye gets to talk.

American Airlines is banning all emotional support animials. American was then served with a class action lawsuit from a group of guinea pigs with Platinum Elite frequent flier miles.

Dr. Dre was rushed to Cedars Sinai hospital for treatment of a brain aneurysm. His estranged wife Nicole followed in a separate ambulance, demanding half of it.

Bed Bath & Beyond released an initial list of store closures. Shoppers living nearby are advised to seek still-open stores further Beyond.

Scotland’s leader Nicola Sturgeon said with the nation in lockdown, she would block Donald Trump from visiting his golf course there to avoid Joe Biden’s inauguration. That, and the course is so broke the guy who mows the grass quit anyway.

The Joint Session of Congress to count Electoral Votes will begin at 1pm – preceded at 11:00am by Congressional Interns count of enough lunches for everybody.

Washington DC will see large protests in support of Donald Trump today, including Proud Boys, 3 Percenters, the NRA, sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, dickheads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude.

Lebron James wants to form an ownership group to buy the WNBA Atlanta Dream from defeated Senator and Black Lives Matter denouncer Kelly Loeffler. By “ownership group” he means the pile of money put together from emptying out all of his pants pockets.

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ABC introduced Matt James, the first black man on ‘The Bachelor – or, as it’s now called, ‘Da Bachelor‘.

Mike Pence addressed a rally for Georgia Senate candidates Kelly Loeffler and David Perdue, saying America will “hear the evidence” of election fraud in a joint session of Congress on January 6th, adding “and not from Rudy Giuliani this time”.

In light of crowded hospitals and ICUs, Los Angeles County is telling ambulance crews not to drop off patients with little chance of survival. Residents are angry that they’re calling ambulances, and hearses with Uber stickers are showing up.

Actress Emma Stone is pregnant. Longtime partner Dave McCary is believed to have provided The Help.

Harry Potter film actress Jessica Cave said her baby boy has contracted COVID-19, but she thinks he’ll make a full recovery thanks to an antiviral spell.

Wisconsin pharmacist Steven Brandenburg, who’s accused of deliberately destroying COVID-19 vaccines, said he did so because he believes they can change human DNA. Asked where he got his pharmacy certification, Brandenburg replied Hogwarts.

Fashion designer Alexander Wang is facing sexual assault allegations from male and trans models, who say they’re fighting an uphill battle on account of all the puns.

U.S. News & World Report awarded its Best Diet Gold Medal Award to the Mediterranean Diet for the 4th straight year. “Alright!” said a guy adding olives and anchovies to his double-cheese pizza.

The annual Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show – one of the cities biggest conventions – will be held virtually this year. I.T. consultants are raking in huge sums helping work-from-home strippers set up Zoom Champagne Rooms.

Outgoing Secretary of Education Betsy Devos penned a farewell letter to Congressional leaders – who sent it back for multiple spelling & grammar corrections.

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Donald Trump called Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger on Saturday, and for a full hour pressured him to recalculate the results of Georgia’s election. The call shocked Americans who never thought Trump would work on a Saturday.

Trump reportedly tried reaching Raffensperger 18 times – 15 voice mails, 2 butt-dials while golfing, and 1 ‘You up?’ text.

Vanilla Ice, Taylor Dayne, Berlin and Mike Love of the Beach Boys all performed at the Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party. Surprisingly, all four acts had the date open on their calendars.

Chipotle will offer cauliflower rice nationwide. It costs two dollars extra and is prepared the same as their regular rice – using lime, cilantro and dangerous levels of bacteria.

Mitch McConnell’s home in Kentucky was vandalized over the weekend, as someone spray painted “WERES MY MONEY” on the front door. Police are seeking a person of interest, a former Kentucky state spelling bee champion.

T-Mobile says hackers accessed customer call records. Most customers need not worry, since the data was only for calls that went through.

43 COVID-postive staffers at a San Jose emergency room may have been infected by an employee who wore an inflatable costume in their work area on Christmas. All 43 regret taking turns helping to blow up Santa.

Los Angeles International Airport is now offering rapid COVID testing, so you can be quickly cleared for travel to go catch the virus somewhere else.

Google employees announced plans to unionize with the Communications Workers of America. Telephone linemen hope this means they can strike and get all the free snacks the Google people get.

An angry squirrel is aggressively attacking residents of a Queens neighorhood. Several residents claim they’ve been jumped on and bitten hard enough to draw blood. Experts believe the squirrel isn’t rabid, and is likely a frustrated Jets or Giants fan.

Nela Zisser, a 28-year-old New Zealand medical student, broke the Guinness World Record by consuming 16 chicken nuggets in 60 seconds, eclipsing the old record of 15 shared by every U.S. 9-year-old.

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Happy New Year! Thanks For Reading!

Weekly unemployment claims fell for the second consecutive week, but do not yet reflect massive layoffs expected at the North Pole.

Donald Trump plans to return to Washington and skip the annual Mar-A-Lago New Year’s Eve party, once he found out a bunch of Health Department narcs are shutting down tongue-kissing at midnight.

The minimum wage will increase in over 20 states in 2021. Shares of Gold Tipped Walking Sticks Incorporated are up in early trading.

A Wisconsin healh-care worker intentionally ruined hundreds of COVID-19 vaccines by removing them from a refrigerator. Even worse, he later microwaved the curried salmon he’d made room for in the fridge.

All-time Jeopardy! great Ken Jennings apologized for past insensitive tweets, but Daily Doubled down on some others.

Joe & Jill Biden will ring in 2021 as part of New Year’s Rockin Eve. Ryan Seacrest hosts, and will be in charge of waking Joe up at 11:45.

Samuel Little, believed to be the U.S.’ most prolific serial killer, died in a California prison at age 80. Little now begins the second of his three life sentences.

COVID-19 restrictions forced the move of the Rose Bowl to Texas, where it will be the Yellow Rose Bowl.

After multiple COVID outbreaks, the White House is being deep-cleaned at a taxpayer cost of $127,000. And it still smells like french fries.

Amazon is acquiring podcast producer Wondery, and starting a new podcast, ‘I Wondery Where My Package Is?’.

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Worcester, Massachusetts police arrested two boys and two girls, all ages 15 & 16, for throwing bricks at cars. The boys were referred for juvenile detention, and the girls were given softball scholarships.

The FAA issued new guidelines for home delivery of packages by drones. The guidelines expressly forbid the use of camera drones piloted by horny teenagers.

Donald Trump was reportedly upset with renovations to his Mar-A-Lago residence when he arrived for the holidays. He was most angry that nobody installed a younger woman.

American Airlines carried the first passengers on a Boeing 737 MAX since the jet was reauthorized by the FAA. It departed Miami at 10a.m. and arrived ahead of schedule when it touched down spinning into the Atlantic Ocean.

Billie Eilish lost 100,000 Instagram followers in a half-hour after posting sketches of women’s breasts. Some speculated that her younger followers’ parents were offended, while others thought the breasts just weren’t big enough.

The more contagious COVID-19 strain believed to have come from the U.K. has been confirmed in Colorado, where it plans to stock up on weed before heading back home.

At the current slower-than-expected pace, it will take ten years to vaccinate every American against COVID-19. The good news is that the vaccine they finally get will cover COVID 20 thru 30.

$600 stimulus checks will begin to arrive this week. The most-stated use of the money will be paying bills, while the least-stated use is tipping Grubhub or Postmates delivery drivers.

A happy Chrissy Teigen posted that she’s now “four weeks sober”, while happier Instagram users say it’s been five weeks since they unfollowed Chrissy Teigen.

A 21-year-old Russian sumo wrestler, Dzhambulat Khatokhov, once called “the world’s heaviest boy”, passed away. No cause of death was given, but those closest to him said he had kidney problems – namely, eating so many of them.

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After a bombardment of criticism for faking a Spanish accent, Hilaria/Hillary Baldwin announced she’s taking a siesta from social media.

Home health care workers in Germany received COVID-19 vaccines containing five times the normal dosage. They claim the mistake hasn’t yielded any adverse side effects, other than rage-induced super strength.

Reality TV star D’Andra Simmons is hospitalized with acute COVID-19 symptoms, and can be seen in upcoming episodes of Bravo’s ‘Real IntensiveCareWives of Dallas’.

The Washington Football Team released quarterback Dwayne Haskins, making him Unemployed Football Individual.

Lori Loughlin was forced to isolate for the last two weeks of her prison sentence due to a COVID outbreak – time she used to write a first draft of holiday movie ‘Jail Alone’.

Anime film ‘Demon Slayer’ became Japan’s highest-grossing movie ever. If you want to know what it’s about, ask your weird 36-year-old cousin who still lives with his parents.

Google removed the wide-angle astrophotography function from its Pixel 5 and Pixel 4a 5G phones without explanation. It allowed users to take photos of stars in the night sky, and of their neighbor’s dimly-lit upstairs bedroom.

Archaeologists in Pompeii discovered a ‘termopolium’, or street-food stand, predating the destruction of the city by Mount Vesuvius. Wall paintings depicted the menu items, and let customers know that guacamole would be a little extra.

Demi Lovato posted a swimsuit photo on Instagram, with her stretch marks painted over in gold glitter. Fans praised her show of body positivity and determination, since the picture required two trips to Hobby Lobby for more glitter paint.

The state of Maine reported 7 new COVID-19 deaths, but said they can still be eaten with lemon butter after a thorough boiling.

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Donald Trump signed the trillion-dollar COVID relief and government funding bill, but promised a line-by-line edit of the 5,000 page bill to reduce wasteful spending. In other news, Barron got two boxes of red ink pens in his stocking.

The World Health Organization claims a new mutant strain of supergonorrhea is on the rise during the pandemic. They recommend limiting its spread with condoms or genital distancing.

Investigators concluded the Nashville bomber killed himself when his RV exploded, but it was still more fun than most camping trips.

Masked Singer host Nick Cannon and partner Brittany Bell welcomed a baby girl, Powerful Queen Cannon. If it was a boy, they’d have named him either Powerful King Cannon, or Floyd.

Airlines may require travelers in 2021 to present a “vaccine passport”. Spirit Airlines may let passengers board the plane, then vaccinate themselves with needles other passengers leave behind.

Health officials warn nose-picking is contributing to the spread of COVID-19. They reiterate the importance of washing your hands prior to picking anyone’s nose.

The U.S. Supreme Court will decide the case of a 9th grade girl who was suspended from cheerleading for a year for posting the f-word on Snapchat. Before the court rules, Chief Justice John Roberts asked “why the f**k are we even hearing this case?”

Sarasota, Florida was named The Best Place To Retire in the U.S. by U.S. News & World Report. It was also named The Easiest Place To Chase Down A Meal by Alligator Dining magazine.

Actress Lori Loughlin was released from prison, before a live captive audience.

Philadelphia residents are encouraged to drop their natural Christmas tree at a local farm, where goats eat it. The goats ask that you just drop off the tree and leave, since they’re tired of talking about what went wrong with the Eagles.