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Dog the Bounty Hunter is being investigated for an assault at a Colorado airport after a man accused him of shoving his son.

  • A judge ordered Dog to return to Colorado, and to heel.
  • The son was recorded telling Dog to “suck my d*ck”, but Dog refused since there wasn’t any peanut butter on it.

President George H.W. Bush was laid to rest behind his presidential library in College Station, Texas, following a Union Pacific train ride from his family funeral in Houston. Pallbearers took a few extra minutes removing coal dust from the casket since the family only paid for a freight car.

Kevin Hart announced that he was hosting the Academy Awards, then stepped down after complaints circulated about his past remarks concerning gays. The Academy is being urged to hire a gay person to host, so they announced Hugh Jackman without asking him first.

Amazon Go is considering putting checkout-free stores in airports.  The move was hailed by Air Marshals, who say they’re bored and would welcome the chance to arrest travelers who boost $5 bags of M&Ms and run.

A Kentucky man was sentenced to five years in prison for putting glass shards into shipments of plastic cups used at fast food restaurants. It took a while for him to get caught, since diners at Arby’s and Taco Bell assumed bleeding in their mouth was just a usual reaction to the food.

The new XFL plans to introduce some new rules, including a running clock to speed up games and payments to players in a new cryptocurrency that no one understands to stave off their inevitable bankruptcy.

Marvel released the official trailer for Avengers 4 and, with it, the official name of the film: Avengers: Endgame. They then issued the official trailer for Avengers: Endgame’s end-credits Easter Egg, to be called Avengers: End of Endgame.

Mastanamma, an Indian woman from New Delhi who became a YouTube sensation at age 105 for her cooking videos, died at age 107. Her family is having a post-funeral meal catered by McDonald’s since they’re all sick of Indian food.

Walmart announced it’s putting robotic floor scrubbers in 360 of its stores by the end of the year.  So far, the experiment has yielded mixed results, with many of the robots missing time taking smoking breaks and going to doctor visits to monitor out-of-wedlock pregnancies.

Infant ibuprofen sold at drug store chains is being recalled for having higher concentrations of the drug than advertised. “Shit, I kinda liked it” said babies having particularly tough days.

 

 

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

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The body of 48-year-old Todd Keeling was found in a beer cooler before an Atlanta Braves game at Sun Trust Park. Reports originally stated that he died in a walk-in freezer, but were corrected when police said they found the body surrounded in Silver Bullets. [story h/t to Chris Schmidt!!]

Sir Ray Davies announced that legendary British rockers The Kinks are getting back together, as soon as they work themselves out.

Missouri State University Associate Sociology professor Alicia Walker is asking for 3,600 explicit photos of flaccid and erect penises to explore how a man’s penis size affects the rest of his life. She expects to complete the photo-gathering phase of the study after joining Tinder for 15 minutes.

  • Professor Walker’s hypothesis is that men with large penises self-identify as being happier with their life, as do their wives & girlfriends, although the women self-report many more headaches.

Sarah Sanders is getting Secret Service protection. Visitors to the Pennsylvania Avenue Arby’s are asked to budget extra time for visits between Noon and 1:30pm.

Brazilian swimsuit model Sabrina Jales St Pierre is suing the Embassy Suites in Palm Desert, California, saying she suffered so many bedbug bites during her stay there that she had to turn down modeling work. Furthermore, she said that she was the target of inappropriate comments from the bedbugs when they saw her at the free breakfast buffet the next morning.

White House officials announced that Melania Trump is making a second visit to the Mexican border, to check the progress of her tunnel.

Joe Jackson, patriarch of the singing Jackson Family, passed away at age 89. A statement released by the family said “Hee-heeeeee is dead.”

The Florida Department of Health is warning beachgoers about an outbreak of biting sea lice off the state’s northwest shores. The lice, which are actually jellyfish larvae, leave itchy irritated rashes, and are known to attack tourists by angrily declaring stretches of Pensacola as a Locals Only Beach, brah!

Justice Anthony Kennedy announced that he’s retiring from the Supreme Court, effective July 31st. President Trump announced he’ll compile a list of nominees after meeting them at a rally in Charlottesville.

Google gave journalists a demonstration of Google Duplex, a human-sounding artificial intelligence product that makes human-sounding phone calls on your behalf to automate things like making restaurant reservations, hair appointments, and getting shut down calling hot women for dates.

 

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Former nude model and current First Lady Melania Trump tweeted to honor ‘Pearl Harbor Heroes’, but typed in the wrong date, November 7, 1941 instead of December 7. Melania’s assistant explained that the November 7 date was intended for a different tweet, honoring the heroes of the Bergdorf Goodman November shoe sale.

A Delta flight from New York to Seattle had to make an unscheduled stop in Montana because the toilets stopped working. “They worked fine for me” said one passenger as he tossed out the remnants of three Taco Bell 5 Buck Boxes.

U.K. firefighters responded to a call to free a 22-year-old man who had cemented his head inside of a microwave while filming a YouTube stunt. The man was freed after an hour, and complained that his head was very hot in some spots, but still cold in others.

Discount retailer Dollar General plans to open 900 stores in 2018 — or more, depending on how fast they can get Sears and KMart to move out.

Anheuser-Busch ordered 40 electric trucks from Tesla; the brewing giant was impressed that the trucks could drive themselves, even while drunk.

Bitcoin hit a new record high of $17,000 on Friday, then dropped over $3,000 in value that same morning, worrying the new breed of currency speculators who work at Burger King.

Ford announced it’s investing $900 million in a Michigan plant to make self-driving cars. Once built, the cars will be evaluated on how long they can drive themselves around Detroit without getting stolen.

Amid the fallout from scandals involving Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, Brett Ratner and others, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences approved new Standards of Conduct for members in the film and tv industries. Only now nobody wants to produce movies or tv shows anymore.

Police in the New York City suburb of Clarkstown are warning residents to stay away from a hybrid wolf/coyote, known as a ‘coywolf’. The animal weighs 75 pounds, has a grey coat, and has been asking pedestrians if they want to see his puppies in a van.

Arby’s is introducing the Arbynator, a french-fry filled sandwich. Arby’s now has the meats, has the potatoes, and has no more ideas.

The U.S. Economy added 228,000 jobs in November. The Labor Department cited growth in Manufacturing, Santa Clauses, and roles in tv ads with elves in them.

 

 

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”

 

 

 

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A Bankrate.com survey shows that only one-third of millennials have a credit card. And of those that do, the most popular credit card they have is their Dad’s.

The New Yorker published a new article documenting aggressive sexual behavior by Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein. One woman alleges that Weinstein forced himself on her, and when she resisted, Weinstein masturbated and ejaculated into a potted plant. Weinstein was later sued by the plant for giving it herpes, and for back child support.

A couple in Longboat Key, Florida called police after discovering a hidden camera in the smoke detector mounted in the bedroom of their Airbnb rental. The owner of the property denied wrongdoing, saying the camera only activated during especially hot sex.

Scientists have collected 95 pounds of gold, worth nearly $2 million, from Switzerland’s raw sewage and waste water treatment plant. President Trump promptly scheduled a Swiss vacation to research the gold-in-showers.

Pizza Hut is rolling out new pizza boxes and delivery bags that they say will make their pizzas up to 15 degrees hotter when delivered. Pizza Hut research shows customers are less likely to taste how bad the pizza is if they burn their mouths.

Toymaker Bandai is releasing a 20th Anniversary version of its iconic Tamagotchi digital pet toy. Meanwhile, original Tamagotchi pets, introduced in 1997, are being put to sleep.

The United States Men’s National Soccer Team was eliminated from the 2018 World Cup after losing 2-1 to doormat Trinidad & Tobago. Adding insult to injury, the USMNT Dads couldn’t find a pizzeria in Trinidad & Tobago to take the boys after their loss.

Arby’s is testing sandwiches made of elk meat in select markets, and rolling out venison sandwiches nationwide. Arby’s is sourcing the venison from New Zealand, saying there aren’t enough U.S. deer being hit by trucks to meet demand.

A Washington DC pharmacist told a reporter from STAT News that he has filled Alzheimer’s prescriptions for members of Congress. Patient privacy laws forbid the pharmacist from naming the specific patient, but the interview was interrupted briefly by a call from an assistant for “Mr McBain”.

President Trump took to Twitter to threaten the broadcast license of NBC for what he says is their repeated inaccurate coverage of him, and because Melania keeps telling him to shut up during ‘This Is Us’.

 

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Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.

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Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.