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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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New research finds that a majority of adults set their home thermostat to temperatures their parent’s did when they were growing up. Although today’s homeowners are less inclined to hit their family members for adjusting it.

Boutique bakery Cupcakes by Melissa is partnering with Claussen Pickles on a limited-time pickle cupcake. It’s surprising because it’s usually a man’s idea to stick a pickle in their cupcake.

Atlantic City’s annual summer Air Show was cancelled after one of the main performers – the Air Force Thunderbirds – pulled out. Atlantic City prostitutes have stepped in to fill the void with an Under-The-Boardwalk Ground Show.

A pig escaped a livestock transport truck and ran loose on a Philadelphia highway, but was captured after causing a long traffic jam. The now-famous pig will get its picture on the tube of scrapple it’s turned in to.

The Mediterranean Diet reportedly helps with acne. But don’t rub the olive oil on your zits.

A man who lost his voice to cancer received a full larynx replacement. The operation was a success, even though they didn’t use his wife’s as the donor organ like he’d asked.

Samsung factory workers in South Korea called an indefinite labor strike, seeking better pay and working conditions. This is different from the Apple factory strike where workers there demanded the ability to finish sixth grade.

Starbucks gave away free reusable straws as a way to help reduce waste, because where else can you blow $8 on iced coffee and feel good about it?

A local charity sponsored a free swimsuit giveaway at Philadelphia’s public swimming pools. Then Philadelphia cops showed up to arrest the dozen adults who showed up to help the children try the swimsuits on.

The U.S. military will end the operation where they constructed an offshore pier to assist deliveries of aid to war-torn Gaza. They also said it was probably a bad idea to put a ferris wheel and carnival games on the pier.

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Sales of barbecue grills are reportedly down because of an increase in meat prices. Violent incidents at backyard parties are reportedly up because of an increase in serving of grilled vegetables.

The Boston Celtics are for sale. The only bid so far has been rejected, from a group of investors who want to change the name to The Reigning NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers.

A study finds eating ultra processed foods causes a 10% reduction in life span. Lunchables now come with a discount coupon from Trust & Will.

Redbox declared bankruptcy. They owe $1 billion in debt and another 500 million in late fees.

Theme parks Six Flags and Cedar Point are planning a multi-billion dollar merger, pending approval from the roving gangs of teen punks terrorizing families at each.

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5, as it approaches Jamaica. Jamaica’s President, paraphrasing Bob Marley, told residents “every little thing…is not gonna be alright”.

Atlantic City, New Jersey officials formed the Boardwalk Improvement Group. The group is tasked with making a safer, more enjoyable experience for visitors on the boardwalk, and better drug deals and prostitution under it.

Pennsylvania fireworks stores are seeing increased foot traffic in advance of July 4th. Pennsylvania emergency rooms are expected to see increased missing finger, hand & foot traffic as well.

Harvard research shows Lexapro, Paxil & Cymbalta antidepressants cause the most weight gain – leading to the happy introduction of Ozempic w/Lexapro.

A social media trend among air travelers is “raw dogging” – flying with no headphones, video entertainment, snacks, drinks or personal items. This is also what Spirit Airlines calls Premium Class.

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The U.S. weight loss boom created by drugs like Ozempic & Wegovy is causing a surge in sales of protein powder and meal replacements. And replacement pants.

Donald Trump said he wants all of America’s bitcoin mined in the U.S. He then asked if there’s any risk of getting caught underground in a bitcoin mine.

A hospice worker shared the regrets they hear most often from dying patients – including wishing they worked less, followed their dreams, told people their true feelings, and didn’t take the TikTok challenge that landed them in hospice.

As Americans rail against “tip creep”, an etiquette expert said it’s okay to not tip in 5 situations: home repair work; counter service; at open-bar events; when service is poor; and when your spouse finally agrees to have sex with you.

Finland – where workers are reportedly the happiest of any civilized nation – say “flexibility” is most important to workplace happiness. That’s why hiring managers always look for the most flexible women and men before offering them a job.

Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs will not allow champion Joey Chestnut in their July 4th Hot Dog Eating Championship after he entered a sponsorship agreement with Impossible plant-based hot dogs. Instead Chestnut is expected to cruise to victory in the Vegan Hot Dog Eating Championship, where he’ll stuff his face while the other competitors ask organizers to list the ingredients in the hot dogs.

Police in Chistiana, Delaware are looking for a hit-and-run driver who struck a pedestrian outside of the emergency room. An ambulance driver called the incident “his shortest trip ever”.

Whole Foods CEO said in an interview what he considers “the #1 employee red flag” – a guy aiming his penis at the produce.

The Supreme Court unanimously upheld the right to access mifepristone, an abortion pill. Justic Brett Kavanaugh wrote the opinion – and the check for his girlfriend to get hers as soon as possible.

Australian porn star Alicia Davis was hospitalized for two days after an anal plug was pushed completely inside of her. Doctors were able to successfully remove it. along with several costume jewelry items, a tv remote, and a set of brass knuckles.

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Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

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San Francisco 49ers QB Brock Purdy got married to Jenna Brandt. Said the officiant: “I now pronounce you Purdy & Purdy-er”

Actress Neve Campbell is returning for horror flick Scream 7 after abandoning Scream 6 over inadequate pay. Producers may kill her off after that, and she’ll be Scream 8-ed.

A Conoco gas station in Camden, New Jersey was found to be selling fuel contaminated with 58% water. The gas was also really expensive because water there costs $3.50 a bottle.

A man impersonating a nurse at a suburban Philadelphia urgent care asked a woman there taking a pre-employment drug test to urinate while he watched, then gave her his phone number. They both ended up disappointed; he was arrested and she failed the drug test.

A New Jersey cockfighting ring was broken up. Police grabbed dozens of cocks, and organizers face 3 to 5 years cooped up.

Atlantic City’s boardwalk is getting $20 million in upgrades — $19,500,00 for new planks, and $500,000 in bedroom furniture underneath it for prostitutes.

British pop singer Lily Allen said in an interview that her children “complete” her, but that they also “ruined her career”. Allen spoke following the release and disappointing sales of her new single ‘Wheels On The Bus’.

Jennifer Lopez canceled several dates on her ‘This Is Me…Now’ Tour, notifying ticketholders ‘This Was Supposed to Be Me…But Isn’t…Now’.

The House of Representatives passed a bill to force TikTok to divest from its Chinese parent company or be banned in the U.S. The bill gained bipartisan support, from Meta’s Mark Zuckerberg and X’s Elon Musk.

Child actor Drake Bell accused a Nickelodeon network voice coach of sexual abuse during the filming of his ‘Drake & Josh’ tv show. Ironically, the voice coach told him not to speak up.

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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, broke a Guinness World Record, becoming the oldest person to do a tandem skydive. The guy attached to her is still working to get rid of the smell.

A $55 Stevie Nicks Barbie doll sold out on its first day of release. The doll, which recreates her late-70s ‘Rumours‘-era look, comes with a microphone and cocaine.

Queer dating app Lex is growing in popularity, receiving millions of dollars in venture capital funding. The app is increasingly popular with lesbians, who had a little trouble finding it since they thought the name was Licks.

Four Catholic elementary schools in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia were given Blue Ribbon status by the Department of Education. They were nominated by a panel of priests and nuns who determined the schools had the sexiest students.

Britney Spears is demanding an apology from cops who performed a welfare check at her home after she posted a video dancing with knives. She’s even angrier after learning they made two stops for coffee and donuts on the way to her house

Jay-Z and other billionaires held a $500,00-per-ticket charity auction & blackjack tournament in Atlantic City attended by Kim Kardashian, Tom Brady and others. However, celebrities were paid over a million dollars each to convince them to spend a night in Atlantic City.

A woman is suing Disney, claiming she suffered serious injuries to her genitals from a ‘wedgie’ caused by the Humunga Kowabunga water slide at Typhoon Lagoon. Her husband is also suing, saying the injuries prevent him from putting his humunga in her kowabunga.

New surveillance footage & photos emerged from the MGM Grand hotel and the BMW carrying Tupac Shakur on the night of his murder. At 27 years, it’s the oldest “new” evidence in forensics history.

Tara Reid, Blac Chyna & Dez Bryant all quit reality show ‘Special Forces: World’s Toughest‘ amidst the grueling physical challenges. The timing works out because filming begins next week on Sharknado 15.

Donald Trump shared a sketch of Jesus sitting next to him at his fraud trial. The sketch was reportedly made prior to Jesus quitting because he wasn’t getting paid.

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A Boston hospital is denying a heart transplant to a patient who refuses to get a COVID-19 vaccine. “Have a heart” he pleaded.

Julia “Hurricane” Hawkins, age 105, set a record in the Louisiana Senior Games by running 100 meters in 1 minute, 2 seconds. Her record will be certified once officials test her urine sample, which she provided by giving officials her track shorts.

Starbucks is launching BAYA energy drink. It’s pronounced “buy’-a“, as in, “I’d rather buy a energy drink that doesn’t cost six dollars.”

Simply Lemonade is entering the boozy beverage market with Simply Spiked Lemonade. It’ll be available in stores, and from 2nd graders blacked out at a card table in front of their house.

COVID-19 was detected in two wild New Jersey deer. They’re still looking for the two does who were with them during that wild weekend in Atlantic City.

Walking just 10 minutes a day could lead to a longer life. “Good to know!” said a serial killer who now walks to his victim’s houses.

Peter Robbins, the voice actor who portrayed ‘Peanuts’ character Charlie Brown, died by suicide. Memorial contributions can be made to the 5-Cent Psychiatric Clinic.

Barry Bonds, Major League Baseball’s all-time home run leader, was denied entry to the Hall Of Fame in his last chance on the ballot. Voters didn’t want him getting a big head.

An out-of-control rocket launched by SpaceX in 2015 will crash into the Moon in early March. “Never forget” said Moon Creatures, in early March 2023.

D.A.R.E. – Drug Abuse Resistance Education – is condemning HBO’s ‘Euphoria‘ for depicting high school student drug use, addiction, and anonymouse sex. Meanwhile, the fictional high school is being inundated with transfer requests from teens watching the show.

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Atlantic City announced an expansion to its multi-million-dollar surveillance camera system. The cameras are used in high-activity areas to monitor crime, and also to take & sell souvenir photos with a real Atlantic City prostitute.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he doesn’t think Americans should expect a vaccine mandate for air travel, but he does recommend travelers continue to wear masks, and learn to throw a punch for the occasional mid-flight brawl.

After a first time capsule from 1887 was unearthed beneath a Robert E. Lee statue in Richmond, a second time capsule was found. The first one contained books & letters, the second one contained the world’s oldest Starbucks gift cards.

A man was arrested after murdering a man he met on Grindr and eating his testicles. His legal team is asking that cannibalism charges be dismissed because the victim requested to be an organ donor.

Habitat for Humanity completed and donated its first-ever 3D-printed house. It was later robbed by a guy with a 3D-printed gun.

A bird flu outbreak in Israel led to the slaughter of half a million infected chickens. And boy are the farmers chasing them tired.

Doctors are sharing ways to tell if you have a common cold or the Omicron variant of COVID. They say the key differences with Omicron are loss of taste &/or smell, and severe headache. Men are increasingly hearing “not tonight, I have Omicron”.

Patricia Cornwall, arrested for punching an 80-year-old man on a Delta flight in a mask dispute, was booked for DUI just last month. Cornwall is now booking a cruise, where she plans to get arrested and complete her air, land & sea trifecta.

Balaclavas a.k.a. ski masks are a hot apparel trend. Bank tellers are having a tough time telling if customers are there to shoot them, or just fashionable.

Amazon’s Alexa assistant told a 10-year-old girl to play with a live electrical outlet. The girl didn’t do it, but thanked Alexa for her next idea to go play in traffic.

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A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.