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Wells Fargo Bank fired over a dozen employees for “simulation of keyboard activity” – using tools to move their mouse to pretend like they’re working. Meanwhile, Comcast/Xfinity gave 10-year anniversary plaques to dozens of call center employees for “simulation of customer service activity”.

Pro golfer Rory McIlroy issued a statement calling off his reported divorce from wife Erica Stoll. McIlroy is taking a marriage mulligan, and Stoll found her lost balls.

Jennifer Lopez called Ben Affleck – who she’s rumored to be divorcing – her “hero” on Father’s Day. Like many other superheroes, Affleck plans to disappear for weeks at a time and then return to Lopez only when she really needs it.

The former home of late comedian Richard Pryor – where he once suffered burns while freebasing cocaine – sold for $3.6 million. It was originally listed for $4.2 million but the current owner agreed to a fire sale.

Israel President Netanyahu dissolved the nation’s war cabinet after two officials quit, saying he has no long-term plan for Gaza. Netanyahu said he’ll have a great plan after he consults with the liquor cabinet.

Police in Bucks County, Pennsylvania opened a death investigation after being asked to do a welfare check on a resident. The welfare check report was listed as “not great”.

The Surgeon General wants a cigarette-style warning applied to social media platforms. Although some are saying it’s too late, and that kids are already trying both to look cool.

Kanye West’s former assistant – suing him for sexual harassment – claims he sent her a series of explicit texts, including one saying he took Viagra and had sex with an A-list Hollywood star for 3 hours. West defended the text, saying he needed to let the assistant know she should call 911 if his erection lasted four hours.

The Birmingham Stallions defeated the San Antonio Brahmas 25-0 in the United Football League’s inagural Championship Game before a paid attendance of 27, 396 fans – the largest crowd ever paid to watch a football game.

40% of Americans responding to a dating poll said they believed in ‘hypergamy’ – dating someone in a higher socioeconomic status to improve their own life. Hypergamy has two basic forms: Sugardaddamy and Sugarmommamy.

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The NFL released its 2024-25 regular season schedule, and announced that Netflix will have exclusive rights to air two Christmas Day games. Thanksgiving games will be split between AppleTV+, Hulu, and Disney+ just to see how pissed off football fans can get.

McDonald’s will reintroduce a $5 Value Meal, but will only make it available for a month, and will require a 7-day advance reservation in the dining room.

Uber announced they’ll offer group shuttle rides to shared destinations like airports, concerts & sporting events. Uber Shuttle drivers are looking forward to the opportunity to sexually harass dozens of passengers at once.

Due to shrinking space from beach erosion, North Wildwood, New Jersey has banned the use of beach tents. If couples want to make out without being seen, they’ll be directed by lifeguards to join the junkies and gays under the boardwalk.

Comcast is offering subscibers a Peacock/Netflix/AppleTV+ bundle called StreamSaver – it’s available to all customers who currently pay $150/month for cable tv.

Rumors are swirling that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez are headed for divorce, as they’ve not been seen together in public for seven weeks, and Lopez has reportedly banned all Dunkin products from the backstage area of her upcoming tour.

The Mirage hotel in Las Vegas is closing. Families of Sigfried & Roy are being asked for the last time to come and get any tigers still hanging around.

Warren Buffett revealed the ‘mystery company’ that his Berkshire Hathaway corporation has invested over $6 billion dollars in – it’s insurance company Chubb. The announcement gave other investors in the stock a pretty big Chubb.

A Major League Soccer between New York City & the Philadelphia Union was delayed for over two minutes when raccoon ran on to the field. The raccoon was chased away, but asked by team officials to return any time it wants to help liven up soccer games.

Under Armour announced a wave of layoffs, saying they’re Over Staffed.

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The New York Times asked classical music critics to evaluate Bradley Cooper’s orchestra conducting as Leonard Bernstein in ‘Maestro‘. They agreed to do it on one condition – that they not have to watch the whole movie.

A judge ordered Rudy Giuliani to “immediately” pay the $148 million defamation settlement he owes to two Georgia election workers. Execs at GoFundMe reminded Giuliani he can’t run 148 million fundraisers at a time.

Apple plans to launch a “mixed reality” headset next year – with technology combining virtual & augmented reality. They’re inviting customers to Apple Stores to try it out and envision a reality where they have thousands of dollars to buy it.

For nearly 40 years, a set of human remains believed to be a victim of Seattle’s Green River Killer was known only as ‘Bones 17’. Advances in DNA technology finally provided investigators with a name: ‘Female Bones 17’.

TSA officers at New York’s LaGuardia Airport found 17 bullets in a clean disposable diaper in the carry-on bag of a male passenger bound for Chicago. He’s being investigated along with a 14-month old accomplice arrested with a concealed handgun.

Today marks the Winter Solstice – the longest night of the year. Or, second-longest next to the night of your kid’s school Christmas Pageant.

Starbucks CEO wants people to stop protesting the Israel/Hamas war at their stores – and get back to being dicks about how their half-caf, triple-vanilla-shot, soy milk, whipped cream, caramel drizzle frappucino order is wrong.

Jennifer Lopez says she still struggles with PTSD from the media attention over her first romance with Ben Affleck over 20 years ago, and embarrassment over being kicked out of a support group for veterans who served in Iraq.

An artificial intelligence death calculator developed at Technical University of Denmark reportedly predicts a person’s death date with uncanny accuracy. Although it keeps crashing from millions of people typing their spouse’s name into it.

A Michigan couple is suing their school district, saying their daughter was allowed to use male pronouns and take a new name without their permission. The district said the girl had merely gotten the lead as Kris Kringle in a school play.

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Jennifer Lopez marked her one-year wedding anniversary with Ben Affleck. “Who’d have thought we’d make it this far?” she wrote.

Charles Martinet – who’s voiced Mario in Nintendo video games for the last 25 years – is retiring from the role. He said he’d explain, but he’s only allowed to say “It’s a me, Mario”; “Wahoooo!”; and “Ow-ah-ah-ah-ah”.

Domino’s Pizza is closing all 142 of its stores in Russia – saying they’re giving away too many free pizzas after delivery drivers take over a half hour to show up while they dodge Ukrainian drone missiles.

Guatemala’s anti-corruption candidate Bernardo Arevalo is expected to win the country’s Presidential election by over 20 percentage points. He thanked the many Guatemalans voting via absentee ballots sent as they illegally entered the United States.

After scoring the lone goal to secure the Women’s World Cup for Spain in their 1-0 final against England, forward Olga Carmona learned her father had died – making it a truly heart-stopping victory.

Russia’s space agency said its Luna-25 rocket crashed into the moon. President Vladimir Putin shrugged it off, saying he thought there were Ukrainians there.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is urging all states to ban corporal punishment such as spanking in all schools. The request faces fierce opposition from teacher’s associations in Mississippi and Alabama, who say they paid good money for them paddles.

John Warnock, Adobe co-founder and inventor of the .pdf, died at age 82. He’ll be eulogized by an Adobe .pdf Reader.

Adam Sandler’s new Netflix movie You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah, debuted with a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — the “Fresh” 100% for a change.

A CBS News poll of Republican voters says 71% of them believe that what Donald Trump tells them is true. The other 29% couldn’t hear him.

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U.S. Surgeon General Vivek Murthy claims loneliness is an epidemic that’s as dangerous to Americans’ health as smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Cigarette giant Altria doubled down on the report, introducing new Marlboro for Incels.

The Writers Guild of America went on strike, shutting down television & movie production. Writers are seeking better pay, a share of streaming revenues, and for artificial intelligence ChatGPT to be fired as head writer for ‘Young Sheldon‘.

Russia destroyed two drones flying near the Kremlin, then accused Ukraine of attempting to assassinate Vladimir Putin with them. Ukraine denied it, but admitted it was a pretty good idea.

Gwyneth Paltrow said Ben Affleck was “technically excellent” in bed. Affleck’s current wife, Jennifer Lopez, said she’ll see if Paltrow is right once she allows Affleck to touch her.

The Department of Labor found two 10-year-olds doing unpaid work at a McDonald’s restaurant in Louisville, Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2 a.m. A manager offered little comment, except to say they were given first crack at the Happy Meal toys.

Scientists have confirmed plastics in drinking water to be found in blood, organs, gastrointestinal systems, and brains. The bad news is, the plastics could shorten life spans; the good news is, our bodies may soon be disposable in recycling bins.

Jackson Mahomes – influencer, brother of superstar quarterback Patrick Mahomes, and known idiot – was arrested and jailed for sexual battery for forcibly attempting to kiss a female club owner. Jackson is expected to be an early-round selection in the County Jail Sexual Assault Draft.

Britain’s Royal Family gathered for the rehearsal of King Charles’ Coronation ceremony. “Cut!” yelled the rehearsal director – telling Prince Harry to leave.

The U.S. Navy hired an active-duty drag queen, Joshua Kelley aka Harpy Daniels, to serve as Digital Ambassador to attact new, diverse, recruits. In addition to standard age & physical fitness requirements, new enlistees will need to learn lyrics & choreography to Village People songs.

Kevin Costner’s wife of 18 years filed for divorce. The ‘Dances With Wolves‘ star is referenced in their prenuptial agreement as ‘Pays For Everything’.

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Facebook parent company Meta announced the termination of 11,000 employees. Remaining employees are on edge, having noticed that their responses to the company Holiday party were changed from ‘Going’ to ‘Maybe’.

Democrat Josh Shapiro won the race for Governor of Pennsylvania over bus-trip insurrectionist Republican Doug Mastriano. Unbowed, Mastriano announced that he will enact legislation banning abortions among his wife and kids.

An inscription carved on a 3,700-year-old ivory lice comb is the longest sentence written in an alphabet, according to researchers. Translated, it reads ‘May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.’ It was found next to a tablet inscribed with the sentence ‘and maybe take a bath you filthy lice-infested slob’.

Jennifer Lopez told Vogue magazine she has an “amazing” co-parenting relationship with Ben Affleck’s ex, Jennifer Garner over their three children, claiming her “amazing” team of au pairs is able to keep the kids from getting anywhere near her.

Former Trump White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be the next Governor of Arkansas. Her predecessor, Sean Spicer, will be the next Governor of an Elks Club lodge in suburban Virginia.

Jennifer Aniston said she tried in vitro fertilization, but was unsuccessful because the sperm kept dumping her eggs.

Twitter is changing course and adding a new Gray ‘Official’ check mark to verify certain individuals, in addition to the Blue check that users can pay for. They’re also adding a Black check mark to Donald Trump’s account to indicate he’s still banned.

An 8-year-old boy in the remote Pandarpadh village of India bit and killed a venomous cobra that attacked him and bit his arm. The boy was treated with antivenom and released, and the cobra was treated with chimichurri sauce and eaten.

A doctor attending the American Association of Hip & Knee Surgeons Annual Convention broke the Guinness World Record by assembling the bones of the leg in 78 seconds. He did it on the third try, and the first two will likely need wheelchairs.

A TikTok artist entombed a bag of Flamin Hot Cheetos in a 3,000 pound concrete sarcophagus. He plans to periodically exhume it to see how long it takes the Cheetos to melt an ulcer in the concrete.

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Top seed Iga Swiatek of Poland complained that women in the U.S. Open tennis championships use lighter tennis balls than those played in men’s matches. Swiatek prefers playing with men’s balls.

A federal judge ruled a Special Master must review documents seized in a raid at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort. The Justice Department is suspicious, because the Special Master requested a Special Servant to deliver Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A man stirred controversy by using a text-to-image artificial intelligence program to win first prize in the Digital Art competition at the Colorado State Fair, angering other entrants. Worse, the text he entered to create his art was ‘dogs playing poker’.

A North Carolina family demands answers after a teacher hit their 16-year-old son in the head with a textbook for talking in class. His parents, who attended Catholic School in the 70s, wonder why the teacher didn’t hit him harder.

Scientists created viable mouse embryos without the use of sperm or an egg – which may help families having difficulty conceiving children. But for now, the scientists need help trapping the lab-created mice.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the Malibu Chili Cook-Off together. JLo was seen consulting with the 90 Day Fiance woman who sells her farts in a jar to see how to cash in on her visit.

A man snuck into a dressing room at the Tropicana Las Vegas during a magic show and masturbated while sitting on a couch. Despite saying “abracadabra” multiple times, his lovely assistant never appeared.

A female mortician on Tik Tok claims the pre-embalming ritual for corpses is like a “spa treatment”. She said cremation is like a “hot stone massage”, only the stones are 1000 degrees.

80,000 attendees sat in traffic jams as long as 12 hours to leave the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert – while joining the Urinating Behind Your Open Car Door festival.

A retired female jockey started an Only Fans account selling nude content. She’s currently settling a dispute about how much money to share with the horse.

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A manager at a South Carolina Starbucks accused employees of kidnapping him after they demanded a pay raise and better equipment. Police are having difficulty arresting the employees, because the manager got all of their names wrong.

Russia’s rebranded McDonald’s – which can’t get Coca-Cola products anymore – filed trademarks for replacement brand TochkaCola, and new Borscht TochkaCola Code Red.

Lisa London, casting director for Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana, revealed who the other two finalist actresses were for the role played by Miley Cyrus. Her account is vehemently denied by both Meryl Streep and Dame Judi Dench.

A labor union representing Philadelphia school bus drivers voted to strike ahead of the upcoming start to the new school year. Students are advised to make backup plans, like carjacking their rides to school.

Park rangers found a detached foot in a shoe floating in the Abyss Pool hot spring in Yellowstone National Park. The shoe was size 9, so the rangers have ruled out Bigfoot.

HBO Max pulled nearly 200 episodes of Sesame Street as it prepares to combine with Discovery+. However, an injunction to block the move was filed by the letter F, which had sponsored the episodes.

Actress Jennifer Garner was spotted shopping at a West Virginia Sam’s Club on Saturday night, while ex Ben Affleck married Jennifer Lopez in a lavish ceremony in Georgia. The next day, Lopez & Affleck received a gift-wrapped bundle of 100 rolls of toilet paper.

Hailey Davidson, a transgender woman who completed gender reassignment surgery in 2021, is vying to become the first trans woman to join the LPGA Tour. She claims to be at a disadvantage because of the two-stroke penalty she received for lost balls.

HBO Max crashed for thousands of users due to a surge in viewers attempting to stream new ‘Game of Thrones’ prequel ‘House Of The Dragon’. HBO Max execs thought they’d hit peak traffic with all of the boob scenes in Euphoria, but admitted they were wrong.

Actor Gary Busey was charged with sexual assault and removed from the Monster Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey last weekend. Busey, who appeared in Predator 2, will soon be appearing in court as a Predator, Too.

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Florida advanced a controversial “Don’t Say Gay” bill, banning discussion and activity about gender identity and sexual orientation in primary grade schools. This really messes up 6th graders who’d readied their drag queen acts for the big talent show.

A new study claims changing to a healthy diet could extend your life by up to 20 years. The same study finds Discshortened lives for anyone who’s rolled up over 20,000 reward points in the McDonald’s app.

Five Olympic ski jumpers were disqualified for wearing clothing deemed “too baggy” that could unfairly help them stay aloft. Another five were disqualified for eating rice & beans that could illegally aid in mid-air propulsion.

An Indonesian crocodile that had a motorcycle tire stuck around its neck for six years finally had it removed. The croc would have had it done sooner, but he’d paid for free lifetime balancing and rotation.

Tesla is recalling vehicles because their faulty heat pumps won’t properly defrost windshields, leaving Tesla autopilot drivers watching movies unable to look up and see what their car is crashing into.

The first evidence of the Omicron variant of COVID-19 being spread to wild animals has been found – a raccoon complaining to a veterinarian that he can’t taste or smell the garbage he’s eating.

New research links sleeping to weight loss. The study followed drug addicts who nod off for 16 hours a day.

Discovery Networks merger with WarnerMedia was approved – paving the way for ‘Dr Pimple Popper: The Movie’.

Kanye West made a open plea on Instagram for a reunion with Kim Kardashian and their kids, posting family photos captioned ‘GOD PLEASE BRING OUR FAMILY BACK TOGETHER’. God liked the pic but did not post a comment.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the premiere of her new movie ‘Marry Me‘. No word on whether they’ll attend the premiere of his upcoming release ‘Let’s Just Have Sex And See Where This Goes‘.

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Viral video shows an armless man in a motorized wheelchair pointing a gun held with his foot at a jewelry store clerk during a robbery. The perpetrator made off with several Rolex anklewatches.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly sold his music catalog to Sony for $500 million: roughly $499,999,990 for songs prior to 1990, and the rest for everything after.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer after less than one year on the job. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by Rural Meyer.

After two seasons, Disney+ cancelled ‘Diary Of A Future President‘ about a Cuban-American teen girl who grows up to become President of the United States. The creator is sad they didn’t make Season 3, where she teams up with Ivanka Trump to overthrow the government and become President.

Feral hogs have overrun a Southeast Texas county, roaming in packs of dozens and wrecking property in their path. Perhaps worst of all, they’re cutting the lines at the Chick-fil-A drive thrus.

90-Day Fiance star Stephanie Matto claims she’s made $100,000 selling her farts in jars. She claims she ate so many fiber bars to generate flatulence that she almost landed in the hospital – delaying a large shipment to Mar A Lago.

Ben Affleck said he abused alcohol while married to Jennifer Garner because he felt trapped, and that if they were married he’d still be drinking. Affleck said he’d sleep on the couch and drink scotch – 13 ounces, going on 30.

Hilaria Baldwin posted the family’s “perfectly imperfect” Instagram holiday card – calling it that because they only took one shot.

AT&T will comply with the January 6th Committee’s subpeona for phone records of members of Congress. Boost Mobile has yet to respond after Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Jim Jordan & others switched on January 7th.

McDonald’s reclaimed $105 million paid to former CEO Steve Easterbrook as severance, after proving Easterbrook lied about three inappropriate sexual relationships with employees, known only as Red R, Black H, and Purple G.