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Following a wild shooting outside a Wawa convenience store, Philadelphia police needed to use coffee cups from the store to mark all of the bullet casings. They intended to mark the casings with donuts, but they disappeared.

Philadelphia also surpassed 400 homicides in 2021. Mayor Jim Kenney said he’s “outraged and heartbroken”, but plans to slow things down by mandating vaccines, masks, and kevlar vests.

The Rolling Stones paid tribute to deceased drummer Charlie Watts as their tour kicked off in St. Louis, as they posted large photos of Watts on video screens, alongside a video of band members splitting a pile of cash three ways instead of four.

A home drone delivery service in Canberra, Australia shut down because ravens kept attacking the drones. The ravens are angry that the drones are flying too close to their nests, and doubly-angry that none of the parcels contain worms.

A viral video shows a woman with a portable mic & speaker walking the aisle of a Spirit Airlines flight, performing songs from her “mixtape”. She dedicated her performance in celebration of her 3rd anniversary as a Spirit Airlines flight attendant.

Dog The Bounty Hunter announced he’s joining the search for Brian Laundrie, who’s wanted in the death of Gabby Petito. Dog will focus his search on the Appalachian Trail, where there are more tv cameras than the Florida swamps.

Cheryl Burke, professional dancer on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars, will not appear for several weeks because she’s positive for COVID-19. ABC execs arranged a hastily-produced limited-run spinoff, Ventilating With the Stars.

Facebook is reportedly pausing development of an Instagram app for children, owing to heightened criticism of influencer culture, and concern that they’re not getting high enough adoption of the app from hot-looking kids.

Nestle recalled 14 tons of DiGiorno frozen pizzas for containing an ‘undeclared ingredient’, soy protein – after mouse droppings on the pizza tested positive for soy protein.

Carjacking cases are skyrocketing in New York and other cities. It’s so bad, carjackers created an app so they can carpool.

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Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.

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Google is reportedly working on a “Personal Safety App” with that detects when a user is in a car crash and calls 911, but only after asking the user if they’ve finished texting.

Apple Maps announced a slew of upgrades to compete with its chief rival, Google Maps. Among the new Apple Maps upgrades — accurate maps.

Following Monday night’s performance on Dancing With The Stars, a majority of Americans and all judges favor Sean Spicer’s impeachment.

Ray Lewis withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, citing injures to tendons in his feet, and after being told he can’t eliminate competitors with knives outside of a club.

Two Buffalo Bills fans were married on the field at halftime of Sunday’s 16-10 loss to the New England Patriots. Their vows were amended to read “in sickness, for poorer, til death without a playoff victory.”

President Trump shared a poll from Breitbart that showed him with a 97.83% approval rating. EMTs were dispatched to the homes of the 2.17% for checks on their well-being.

Actress Ruby Rose said she underwent emergency neck surgery after doing stunts on her new ‘Batwoman’ tv show, although producers are reportedly angry she didn’t just fix it herself with items from her utility belt.

A vendor is accused of charging $724 to a fan’s credit card for two beers at the Miami Dolphins game. The fan was immediately notified by his credit card company, and was grateful for the time he forgot he was at a Miami Dolphins game.

Pennsylvania companies Yeungling and Hershey’s teamed up to launch Yeungling Hershey’s Chocolate Porter, a brewed alcoholic beverage that the companies call the perfect way to introduce kids to excessive drinking during Eagles and Steelers games.

Some providers of pet insurance are providing discounts for owners who put fitness trackers on their pets, citing the high level of calories that dogs can burn each day licking their own balls.

 

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The first food truck exclusively for dogs debuted in Seattle. It was open for a day before it was totaled by the dog driving it.

Acquitted child murderer Casey Anthony is reportedly considering having another child. She’s been interviewing nannies who don’t necessarily have to be good with children.

Police and medical personnel were called to a Philadelphia city school when several junior high students ate rice krispies treats containing marijuana. A school guidance counselor led an emergency assembly to teach students how to vape their pot instead.

A son who murdered his investment banker father after his weekly allowance was cut from $1,000 to $300 was convicted and sentenced to 30 years to life. He’s still pretty stoked, since $300 a week goes a long way at the prison store.

Christie Brinkley posted a photo on Instagram of her severely bruised arm, which led to her subbing in her daughter Sailor on Dancing With The Stars. The bruise is so bad, everyone wondered where DWTS contestant Ray Lewis was when it happened.

Tech entrepreneur Alexander Rhodes and founder of “porn recovery” site NoFap told CNN he was addicted to porn when he was 12 years old until he turned 25. He thanks his life turnaround to abstinence from masturbation and a new prosthetic arm.

Rutgers named Nunzio Campanille interim head football coach, firing Chris Ash after losing their last three games by a combined 112-16. Asked if he thinks the 1-3 team will go to a bowl game, Coach Nunzio said “ay, fuggeddaboutit!”.

Elon Musk said a SpaceX rocket could reach Mars next year. All it needs is a recharging station on the moon.

Forever 21 declared bankruptcy and will close 178 stores, in what they’re calling The Big So-Much-For-Forever Sale.

CNN posted a list of the best questions to ask during a job interview. Not on the list: “Are those real?”

 

 

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President Trump cancelled his trip to Denmark because the Prime Minister rejected his offer to buy Greenland, and to avoid all of Denmark’s pesky cancer-causing windmills.

XFL, the new pro football league launching in February 2020, debuted its eight team names and logos, to the delight of children in destitute third-world nations who will be wearing licensed XFL apparel following the league’s April 2020 bankruptcy.

T-Mobile customers reported an outage lasting several hours, where calls and text messages failed. Most customers were angry, but loser guys liked having a few extra hours of hope that the hot girl might be trying to text them back.

Vast sections of the Amazon rainforest in South America are on fire. The lone bright spot amidst this environmental tragedy is seeing brave monkeys in firefighter outfits.

Lori Loughlin, awaiting trial in the Operation Varsity Blues college admission scandal, told a friend she thought a half-million dollar bribe was like donating for a library – whatever those are.

The U.S. Labor Department negatively revised jobs added from April 2018 to March 2019 by 500,000. They say the number was right at the time, but a half-million people realized how badly they were getting ripped off delivering for Grubhub & Doordash.

Larry King’s wife Shawn, responding to his divorce filing, will not contest it, saying “I’m not going to fight a dying man” – adding it’s easier to take money off a dead man.

Former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer is considered a longshot to win Dancing With the Stars. This, despite his extensive experience dancing around the truth.

MoviePass exposed thousands of unencrypted credit card numbers to potential hackers. Although subscribers are more worried about others finding out they went to see ‘Dora And The Lost City Of Gold’ without children.

Russia launched a humanoid robot to the International Space Station as part of a test program for a new transport rocket. Fedor the Robot can’t wait to get to the space station to hijack it and murder all of the other astronauts.

 

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VP Mike Pence announced the 2020 launch of the Space Force. That is, unless a Democrat is elected President in 2020, in which case The Force Will Not Be With Us.

A viral video shows a large alligator scaling a fence. The U.S. Border Patrol is now on the lookout for alligators smuggling immigrants from Mexico in their stomachs.

Sony Pictures is pulling Spider-Man out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe due to a profit-sharing dispute with Marvel parent company Disney. Spider-Man will be leaving the Avengers, but is excited about joining Charlie’s Angels.

Delta Airlines claims to have not bumped a single passenger in the last five months – but would not say if passengers accepted offers to share crates with dogs.

Philadelphia Chief of Police Richard Ross resigned over not doing enough to limit sexual harrassment among the force’s rank-&-file. Ross allegedly tried every kind of bribe to stop it.

Walmart is suing Tesla. They claim Tesla solar panels are catching fire, creating a safety issue. Walmart said they’re used to stores being dumpster fires, but not roof fires.

85-year-old Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn. King updated his Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated – and by ‘It’ I mean sex because I’m 85 years old”.

ABC announced the 12 new contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, including former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who insisted that it’s 24 contestants.

Popeye’s, Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s, and other brands are fighting on Twitter about who has the best chicken sandwich. KFC is sitting it out, so as not to focus attention on what’s in its “chicken” sandwich.

The Washington Post profiled Revel, a company renting electric mopeds for riding in D.C. The author said the moped turned everyone’s head, including his own when he was struck by a city bus.

 

 

 

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The World Health Organization reports that, by the end of the century, cancer will be the Number One cause of death globally — causing a huge sigh of relief from obese people with heart disease who misunderstood the report.

The 27th season cast of  ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars was revealed on Tuesday morning, including Bobby Bones; Tinashe; & ‘Grocery Store Joe’.  ABC also announced that for season 28, the show’s name will be changed to ‘Dancing With Whoever’s Left’.

President Trump called the U.S.’ disaster relief response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico – where over 2,900 residents died – an ‘unsung success’. A day later, the President clarified that thousands of people would have sung about the great care they received, but they were dead.

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, a romance/suspense novelist who once wrote an essay entitled ‘How To Murder Your Husband’, was arrested and charged with killing her husband. Her defense attorney declined comment, but said privately that “you really need to admire her follow-through.”

Rapper/actor Bow Wow, commenting in the wake of the overdose death of rapper Mac Miller, admitted his past addiction to cough syrup. Bow Wow said that he drank ‘lean’ – a combination of promethazine/codeine-based syrup and soft drinks – every day, adding that he was originally prescribed the drugs for a severe kennel cough.

A study on Bankrate.com revealed that the lowest-income U.S. households spend $412 annually on lottery tickets, nearly four times the national average of $105. The same study reveals that persons living in these poor households are also four times more likely to contract carpal scratch-off syndrome.

Microsoft announced its Windows 10 operating system updates for October. The ‘Snipping Tool’ for screengrabs is being phased out, replaced by ‘Snip & Sketch’. CEO Satya Nadella praised the move, saying it saves users having to open a second program to draw penises on the faces captured onscreen.

Reverend Christian Ohazulume, a Roman Catholic priest, has been charged with sexually assaulting a young girl while staying in her family’s home in 2006.  Reached at the Vatican for comment, Pope Francis said “Girl? That’s different.”

Kim Kardashian’s new prank show, ‘You Kiddin’ Me?’, debuts on Facebook Live on September 22nd. The show displays the Kardashian/Jenner family playing practical jokes on each other while your personal data is stolen and sold.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst filed for divorce from his wife of six years, Kseniya. Durst cited irreconcilable differences, specifically, the inability to do it all for the nookie.

 

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A Newark, New Jersey high school installed a laundry room, after poorer students were bullied and teased for wearing dirty clothes. Students now use the laundry room frequently, but school security now reports having to deal with fights between the rival Downy and Snuggle gangs.

A new study in medical journal The Lancet concludes there is no level of alcohol consumption that is beneficial for your health – citing accidents, impaired judgment, and negative effects on major organs. Doctors who authored the study weren’t sure at first that it was accurate, but then they drank a few shots and were totally confident in it.

Angelina Jolie has changed divorce lawyers, citing creative differences.

Disney announced the name of their new Netflix-rival streaming service will be called ‘Disney Play’, named after what kids won’t be doing while using it.

Actor/director Asia Argento has been fired as a judge on ‘X Factor Italy’ after reports that she paid a six-figure settlement to a 17-year-old boy with whom she had sex. However, Argento has been offered a new gig on ‘XXX Factor’.

Brandon Johnson – singer Demi Lovato’s alleged drug dealer – said in an interview with TMZ that Lovato “100 percent knew (the strength of) what she was taking” on the night she overdosed. Johnson has established a unique place in the drug-dealing community by doing media interviews about being a drug dealer.

Yanise Ho, 23, calling herself ‘The Bladress’, is Rollerblading from Miami to New York to Portland by herself to promote female empowerment. She carries a 43-pound backpack and will only accept food, shelter and skate parts from strangers – no money. She said her biggest issues are shoulder and foot pain, and hanging on to the backs of tractor-trailers for long periods of time.

Dancing With The Stars pro dancer Witney Carson had a malignant mole removed from the top of her foot after a biopsy revealed it was melanoma. She has a favorable prognosis for recovery, but for the near future, her two-step will really be more of a one-step.

A 1962 Ferrari 250 GTO sold for $48 million at auction – a world record for any car ever sold at auction. The anonymous buyer is shilling out another million to have all the trees cut down on his driveway for when his teen son drives it.

The U.S. and Mexico have tentatively struck a new trade deal that could reshape economic relations from NAFTA related to auto manufacturing. The U.S. has seen its volume of vehicles manufactured drop – the new deal would potentially restore that number, and create jobs for Mexican immigrant children separated from their parents.

 

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A pregnant inmate escaped police custody at a hospital in Rochester, New York, but was recaptured hours later. Police don’t know when her baby is due, but they requested a sonogram to determine whether the newborn will get a pink or blue ankle bracelet.

University hospital researchers in Dallas say that exercising just two or three days per week could be beneficial to heart health, with the exception of people too poor to own a car who walk to Popeye’s.

The National Center on Sexual Exploitation claims that the children’s movie ‘Show Dogs’ features scenes that normalize genital touching to its young audience, since a talking dog is taught to allow dog show judges to touch his genitals. Parents are being told to talk to their kids about predatory sexual behavior, and to not enter their children in dog shows.

Atlantic City, New Jersey reports that its casino earnings are “profitable, but shrinking.” Longtime Atlantic City prostitutes are using the same “profitable, but shrinking” phrase to describe the genitals of their aging clientele.

‘Dancing With The Stars’ crowned figure skater Adam Rippon its newest champion, stunning observers who doubted a gay male could succeed at both figure skating and ballroom dancing.

Jessica McCusker, tax clerk in a Philadelphia suburb, was charged with felony embezzlement for taking over $200,000 in property tax payments that residents made in cash. Officials say that cash payments for property taxes are no longer allowed, and must be made either by check, hoagies, or opioids.

Videos posted to Twitter show a Minnesota restaurant patron throwing a glass of water on Fox News Commentator Tomi Lahren, and Lahren melting.

Carson Meyer, a college hockey player for the University of Miami, suffered from loss of appetite, weight loss and fatigue, then went to the bathroom and found that he’d passed a two-foot-long tapeworm. Meyer has modified his diet to cut out raw fish, and the tapeworm was ejected for fighting to stay in his intestine.

According to the Federal Reserve’s ‘Report on the Economic Well-Being of Households in 2017’, 40 percent of adults don’t have the money to cover a $400 emergency expense. Mainly because they’re millennials whose parents don’t know how to Venmo them the 400 bucks.

The Centers for Disease Control gave the all-clear to eat romaine lettuce again, following a widespread E.coli outbreak. “Finally!” said hungry hamsters and guinea pigs.

 

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The New Yorker is reporting that a doorman at one of Donald Trump’s buildings was paid $30,000 not to discuss a story about a Trump building housekeeper allegedly bearing a child fathered by Trump. Not only did Trump supposedly get the housekeeper pregnant, he announced his missile strike on her two full days in advance.

A new study from the University of Connecticut reports that public restroom hand dryers suck up fecal matter and blow it back on users’ hands. The study also concluded that those are some pretty goddamned powerful bathroom hand dryers at the University of Connecticut.

President Trump has proposed rejoining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, presumably with a porn star he met in Japan.

Khloe Kardashian gave birth to a daughter with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, just days after allegations emerged that Thompson is a ‘serial cheater’, with gossip outlets posting images of him with several different women.  Thompson was present at the birth of his daughter, confident that he has three more affairs until he fouls out of the relationship.

A plastic surgeon in NYC who specializes in creating “designer nipples” for women say they ask for the “Kendall Jenner look”  – firmer nipples to highlight their breasts through their clothing. He said that if the surgery doesn’t take, the women still get a consolation prize of an old white t-shirt.

A bank robber stopped at Taylor Swift’s vacation home to throw stolen money over the fence to get her attention. She swiftly released a catchy diss track insulting the guy for not stealing and throwing more money.

Former FBI Director James Comey sat for an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, which airs Sunday. So in the course of a month, ABC and CBS will have aired Sunday night interviews with a man, and a woman, f*cked by Donald Trump.

Details are emerging about updates to Gmail, including ‘Confidential Mode’, which lets Gmail users stop recipients from forwarding them, or restricts the ability to copy, download or print them. It’s also known as ‘Your Grandfather’ Mode, since he can’t seem to do that stuff anyway.

The new Gmail will also allow users to require a password to open designated emails, which idiots are encouraged to not put in the ‘Subject’ line.

Tonya Harding was named to the newest cast of ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’. All Burbank, California Lowes & Home Depot stores report they’re sold out of crowbars.