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79-year-old Joe Biden told 60 Minutes that the pandemic is over, referring to COVID-19 and his childhood battle with the black plague.

A Utah polygamist sect is accused of unpaid labor, sex abuse, human trafficking and not letting anyone drink caffeinated coffee.

Queen Elizabeth was laid to rest after a brief 14-hour funeral ceremony.

Nissan recalled 200,000 pickup trucks because of a rollaway risk while in ‘Park’ – delighting owners who now have a great excuse for not helping their friends move.

Donald Trump said that the FBI agents who “ransacked” his Mar-a-Lago home didn’t even remove their shoes before searching his bedroom – unlike the Secret Service agents who enter the bedroom to ‘protect’ Melania.

Queen Elizabeth’s scone recipe is going viral following her death, and following the choking deaths of dozens of people eating them.

Two tickets to Michael Jordan’s first Chicago Bulls NBA game in 1984 are expected to sell at auction for over $300,000. Or, with Ticketmaster fees, about $600,000.

Brett Favre is implicated in a scheme to use Mississippi state welfare funds to build a new volleyball stadium at his daughter’s college. He faces home imprisonment where he’ll be monitored via Copper Fit ankle bracelet.

Denver’s airport has the world’s largest animal therapy program, with dozens of dogs walking throughout the airport where anxious travelers can pet them. Philadelphia’s airport has the largest animal employment program, where gorillas take their time handling checked bags.

An Arizona milkshake shop broke a world record by creating 266 different flavors in over an hour. They were then given a terrible Yelp review by a 75-year-old customer waiting an hour to get the vanilla shake they ordered.

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Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

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Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are rumored to be in an “epic fight” over his decision to unretire and play another NFL season. Gisele is currently not staying at their home in Tampa, and Tom is feeling deflated.

New York City ended its mask requirement for subways, buses and other mass transit, allowing commuters to once again savor the full aromatic bouquet of urine.

Saudi Arabia threatened Netflix over content that ‘violates Islamic values’. Specifics weren’t given, although it’s believed Saudi officials are upset over gay characters, same sex kissing, and the continued availability of Adam Sandler’s ‘Jack And Jill‘.

Barack & Michelle Obama will return for the unveiling of their official portraits at The White House. Meanwhile Donald & Melania Trump will attend the unveiling of their official portraits to hang in the restrooms of Texas Roadhouse.

A Southwest Airlines pilot threatened to cancel a flight from Houston to Mexico because a passenger was Air Drop’ing nude photos to other passengers. The pilot was angry because he had an Android phone and couldn’t see them.

Genealogy technology identified the killer of Stacey Lyn Chahorski, a Michigan woman missing for 33 years, as Henry Wise, a truck driver who died in 1999. His body will be exhumed so hero cops can put handcuffs on his skeleton and perp=drag him to court.

Archaeologists discovered a 31,000-year-old body in Indonesia which, they say, highlights advanced medical knowledge because of its lower-leg amputation. They also believe it shows advanced culinary knowledge because of the recipe they found to cook the leg.

Kanye West said Hollywood is a “giant brothel”, adding that pornography “destroyed (his) family”. Ex-wife Kim was unavailable for comment while being photographed exposing her bare buttocks for the cover of Interview magazine.

Thieves in Brazil stole a parked vehicle after kicking out a naked couple having sex inside it. The vehicle was last spotted several miles away traveling at a high rate of speed with the windows down.

An Only Fans model said she almost died after undergoing labiaplasty to relieve discomfort in her vaginal area. She said she paid $6,000 for the procedure, but made about 50 times that much on Only Fans selling before-and-after pictures.

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Top seed Iga Swiatek of Poland complained that women in the U.S. Open tennis championships use lighter tennis balls than those played in men’s matches. Swiatek prefers playing with men’s balls.

A federal judge ruled a Special Master must review documents seized in a raid at Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago resort. The Justice Department is suspicious, because the Special Master requested a Special Servant to deliver Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A man stirred controversy by using a text-to-image artificial intelligence program to win first prize in the Digital Art competition at the Colorado State Fair, angering other entrants. Worse, the text he entered to create his art was ‘dogs playing poker’.

A North Carolina family demands answers after a teacher hit their 16-year-old son in the head with a textbook for talking in class. His parents, who attended Catholic School in the 70s, wonder why the teacher didn’t hit him harder.

Scientists created viable mouse embryos without the use of sperm or an egg – which may help families having difficulty conceiving children. But for now, the scientists need help trapping the lab-created mice.

Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck attended the Malibu Chili Cook-Off together. JLo was seen consulting with the 90 Day Fiance woman who sells her farts in a jar to see how to cash in on her visit.

A man snuck into a dressing room at the Tropicana Las Vegas during a magic show and masturbated while sitting on a couch. Despite saying “abracadabra” multiple times, his lovely assistant never appeared.

A female mortician on Tik Tok claims the pre-embalming ritual for corpses is like a “spa treatment”. She said cremation is like a “hot stone massage”, only the stones are 1000 degrees.

80,000 attendees sat in traffic jams as long as 12 hours to leave the Burning Man festival in the Nevada desert – while joining the Urinating Behind Your Open Car Door festival.

A retired female jockey started an Only Fans account selling nude content. She’s currently settling a dispute about how much money to share with the horse.

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A tractor trailer carrying Bud Light overturned on a Kentucky highway, with thousands of cans of beer tossed on to the shoulder. Wildlife officials upgraded warnings about rabid raccoons to rabid and intoxicated.

90s rock festival Flannel Nation was cancelled after several bands who’d scheduled appearances – including Everclear, Candlebox, & Filter – withdrew. “Where is everybody?” asked Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath, who showed up.

Arnaud Jerald, a French free diver, broke the world record for an equipment-free deep dive by descending 393 feet, holding his breath for 3 minutes & 34 seconds. Jerald attributed his success to waiting a half-hour after his lunch before entering the water.

Pew Research Group claims in a new study that only 32% of teens aged 13-17 use Facebook. Moms of the other 68% remain angry their kids never Like their hilarious cat memes.

A Trump supporter was gunned down by police in an Ohio cornfield during a standoff after attempting to enter the Cincinnati FBI office with an assault rifle. Americans agree this was more exciting cornfield action than the Field Of Dreams game.

Scientists studied the intestinal contractions of the bare-nosed wombat and now understand why their poop is shaped like a cube – so they can build really terrible places to live.

A rollercoaster crash at Legoland in Germany injured at least 34 people. First responders said the hardest part was separating the injured riders from the pegs in their buttocks holding them in place.

A hologram of the late Harry Caray sang ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’ at the Field Of Dreams game. Overlooked was the revelation that someone finally figured out how to get a hologram drunk.

Reports state the FBI searched Mar-a-Lago looking for classified documents related to nuclear secrets. Trump denied having nuclear documents, saying if he did, he’d have radiation poisoning by now!

Johnson & Johnson will stop selling talcum-based baby powder in 2023. Crayola announced the introduction of sidewalk chalk baby powder in 2024.

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Gregory Foster of San Diego, California broke his own world record by eating 17 Bhut Jolokia ‘ghost’ chili peppers in one minute. For the second time, Foster was added to the national waiting list for rectum transplant recipients.

Elon Musk sold nearly 8 million shares of Tesla stock, collecting $6.9 billion by doing so. Musk will use the money to buy up all the pictures of his pale doughy body on that yacht.

Donald Trump took the Fifth Amendment to all questions asked at a deposition as he faces charges for fraudulent asset valuations. He wanted to take the Sixth Amendment because it’s an even bigger amendment.

A Michigan man who built his own fiber-to-home internet service because he couldn’t get good service from Comcast or AT&T is expanding it with a government grant. He says his biggest challenge is finding time, since he spends hours each day answering customer service calls from his wife and kids.

Coke introduced its latest Coca-Cola Creations limited-time flavor, called ‘Dreamworld’, which the company says is ‘inspired by dreams’. Specifically, you close your eyes and dream that the drink isn’t ruining your teeth and waistline.

A Beluga whale that was stuck in the France’s Seine River for more than a week died while in transit to the sea. Critics say it was a bad idea transferring the whale via Megabus.

More than a dozen tech companies – including Amazon, IBM, & Cloudflare – are developing a new open standard for sharing information to prevent cyberattacks. The cost will be offset once an anonymous Nigerian prince collects his inheritance.

Uma Pemmaraju, an Indian-born woman who was one of the first Fox News Channel anchors, died at age 64. Pemmaraju was considered a Fox News pioneer for getting a job there without being blonde.

Polyfluoroalkyls or ‘PFA’s – the ‘forever’ chemicals used in nonstick cookware – are definitively linked to liver cancer. Although scientists say your spouse’s meatloaf isn’t helping either.

Retired NFL running back Marshawn Lynch was arrested for DUI in Las Vegas. His car had one flat tire and another tire totally missing. Asked if his endorsement contract is at risk, a Subway spokesperson said “we’ve had worse”.

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The FBI raided Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate searching for classified documents. No word on what they took, but so far the biggest revelation is agents walked in on Pete Davidson banging Melania.

Toyota is offering to buy back its BZ4X electric SUV because the wheels can fall off. It’s the first known case of defective truck nuts.

Serena Williams announced she’s “evolving away from tennis” after the U.S. Open – leading to sighs of relief from line judges who can now call foot faults without being threatened with a ball being rammed down their throat.

North Korea is destroying properties at the Mount Kumgang resort area bordering South Korea. It’s hard to believe, but Trip Advisor reviews for North Korea vacations are getting even worse.

A Texas church was issued a cease-and-desist order for staging an unauthorized production of ‘Hamilton’, with lyrics changed to Bible references, and a sermon comparing homosexuality to drug addiction. After rewrites, the church plans to premiere ‘Jesus Hamilton Superstar’.

Ezra Miller, star of upcoming DC Films movie ‘The Flash’, was arrested on felony burglary charges in Vermont. An emergency meeting will be held to discuss Flash’s removal as an honorary member of the Super Friends.

Tom Cruise will reportedly star in an upcoming song-and-dance musical, working title Mission Im-Paso Doble.

China has identified a new, potentially lethal, virus within its borders, the Langya Henipavirus. To distinguish it from influenza and coronavirus, they’re simply calling it the Number 3.

Singer & actress Olivia Newton John passed away following a lenghty battle with cancer. Flags were lowered to half-staff in her native Australia, and at Rydell High.

An Ohio-based team set the world record for Fastest Monster Truck when their Jeep Gladiator topped out at 101.84mph, before running out of gas after 1/10th of a mile.

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The Arizona Cardinals removed a clause from QB Kyler Murray’s new contract requiring four hours of film study each week after Murray called it disrespectful. Murray puts in over four hours each week thanks to a Pornhub Premium subscription.

Spanish prosecutors say they’ll seek an 8-year prison sentence for global superstar Shakira, who they say failed to pay over $24 million euros in taxes. If they succeed, incarcerated lesbians plan a cellmate lottery to determine who she’ll bunk with.

While hosting a Saudi-funded LIV Golf event at his New Jersey club, Donald Trump said “nobody’s gotten to the bottom” of 9/11. He expects it’ll also take at least 22 years to get the bottom of 1/6.

Washington DC Mayor Muriel Bowser is asking for help processing over 5,000 migrants bused to the nation’s capital by Gov Greg Abbott after entering the U.S. in Texas. She said she wouldn’t be concerned if not for the free AR-15s Abbott gave them as a parting gift.

Record flooding in Kentucky led to the deaths of 15 people, mainly those who’d told friends & relatives they were excited about all the new swimmin’ holes.

Will Smith posted a YouTube video apologizing to Chris Rock for the Oscars slap. Smith added “I’m human and I made a mistake and I’m trying not to think of myself as a piece of s–t”, referring to Collateral Beauty.

Charles Barkley turned down a big-money broadcasting and appearance offer from the LIV Golf tour. Barkley said he arrived at his decision after considering his current network and sponsorship deals, and after reminding himself he sucks at golf.

Monkeys are terrorizing residents of Yamaguchi in southwestern Japan, with some entering homes and snatching babies from nurseries. Parents are happy to get the babies back, but are also glad for a few free hours of monkey day care.

A Reddit user and Cast Member at Disneyland said his pay at the theme park was so low, he turned to sex work in order to make ends meet. He said that pay wasn’t great either, but it was better if he kept the Minnie Mouse costume on.

A video screen toppled at a Hong Kong concert by Cantonese pop group Mirror, injuring two dancers. The show was halted, but the group vowed to continue their Seven Years Bad Luck Tour.

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Starbucks is closing 16 stores because of employee safety concerns stemming from open drug use in the stores. Starbucks is also considering dropping the popular Mocha Fentanyl Latte from other locations.

NASA shared its first images from the James Webb Space Telescope, the largest ever built. Included were an alien planet, a galactic cluster, and a veritable who’s-who of famous women who forgot to close their curtains.

Tiger Woods ripped LIV Golf players who ‘turned their back’ on the PGA Tour and major championships in order to cash in on the Saudi-funded tour. Woods said he would never turn his back on a golf tour, only on his wife or several girlfriends.

Elon Musk said Donald Trump should “hang up his hat and sail into the sunset”. Trump angrily declined, saying he’s scared of boats.

A 23-year-old Maryland man was rescued after falling into Italy’s Mount Vesuvius volcano crater trying to retrieve the smartphone he dropped. Ancient Gods from the great beyond said he lived because you can’t sacrifice morons to the volcano.

Abbey Gile, ex-girlfriend of New York Jets QB Zach Wilson. claims Wilson cheated on her with Wilson’s mom’s best friend. Gile has already sold her screenplay “QB Bangs His Mom’s Best Friend” to be made into a Pornhub Movie Of The Week.

Ania Palus, a lawyer briefly removed from the Wimbledon Men’s Tennis final for drunk-heckling Australia’s Nick Kyrgios, said she was “supporting him”. Palus then left Wimbledon to go to a local comedy club and “support” the comedians there.

A preview of Season 2 of Hulu’s The Kardashians features Kim Kardashian asking boyfriend Pete Davidson if she wants to shower with him. Davidson replies by asking how wide the shower is.

Owners of Tony Luke’s Cheesesteaks in South Philadelphia plead guilty after being sued by the IRS for tax evasion. They also settled with the Food & Drug Administration on charges of nutrition evasion.

Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider criticized performers like Ozzy Osbourne and KISS for having multiple “farewell” tours, likening KISS not going away to holding a “fart in a paper bag”. Meanwhile KISS fans attending their Farewell Tour can pay $40 to buy Paul Stanley’s or Gene Simmons’ farts in a paper bag.

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A new study reveals when concert tickets are cheapest to purchase. Findings state they’re 33% cheaper on the day of the show, or even cheaper if it’s a Color Me Badd concert.

New safe sleep guidelines for babies were announced by the American Academy of Pediatrics, including a flat bed free of decorations, no soft objects and no co-sleeping. The findings were immediately challenged by teddy bears and babies seeking other babies for one-night stands.

A Williamsport, Pennsylvania high school principal was charged with 30 counts of sexual misconduct with a student at his school. Suspicions grew when he had the student’s name stenciled beneath his own on his office door.

Kraft Macaroni & Cheese is changing its name to reflect how customers refer to it. Going forward it’ll be known as Kraft Dinner for Broke-Ass Students & Toddlers.

Barack & Michelle Obama signed a deal for audio books and content with Amazon’s Audible. Donald Trump is expected to sign a similar deal with Fox’s Unintelligible.

A New York City woman used instructions in her GrubHub order to say she was being held hostage in an apartment. The food was delivered by cops, who arrested her captor. The woman was relieved to be saved, but upset that the order was wrong.

Uber & Lyft drivers filed a lawsuit accusing the rideshare companies of price fixing. Uber & Lyft intend to mount a vigorous defense, and also tell drivers if they don’t like the money, they can go get real jobs.

Traces of polio virus were found in London’s sewage system. Health officials quickly declared it one of the 20 worst things in Londoners digestive tracts.

The Food & Drug Administration is set to ban Juul e*cigarettes in the U.S. Dirtbag parents planning to give them as 18th Birthday presents are scrambling to find the money to buy an AR-15 instead.

Kate Bush continues to marvel at Netflix’s Stranger Things boosting sales of her 1985 hit Running Up That Hill. Now 63, she plans to record a follow-up single, Asking For A Ride Up That Hill.