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General Mills announced Los Angeles Lakers all-star Lebron James will appear on Wheaties boxes. James then called a press conference to annouce that he was ‘taking his talents to Count Chocula’.

IndieWire called Adam Sandler’s new Netflix film ‘Hubie Halloween’ “the Halloween comedy America needs right now”. Which should give you some idea of what kind of shape America is in.

Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee said that, before his current sobriety, he was drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Lee added that, when the band resumes touring, he’ll need to get back Cerup to three gallons.

Mark Zuckerberg pledged $250 million to local governments, for their use managing elections that Facebook has effectively ruined.

After multiple positive COVID-19 tests in their ranks, all of the Joint Chiefs of Staff are currently under quarantine, making them the Individual Chiefs of the TV Remote.

Scotland shut down Glasgow and Edinburgh bars amidst a surge in COVID-19 cases, telling local drunks “you don’t have to go home lads, but you can’t quarantine here”.

McDonald’s is expanding its McCafe bakery offerings for the first time in ten years, introducing apple fritters, blueberry muffins & cinnamon rolls they made ten years ago.

Joe Biden committed to widespread cancellation of student loan debt, to the delight of deadbeat college grads who still won’t vote anyway.

NBC revealed that audience members were each given $150 for attending the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Asked how they felt about the money, most said “underpaid”.

Donald Trump said he won’t participate in the October 15th debate, after it was changed to a virtual event. Trump said that between tweeting, and shopping Amazon Prime Day on the 13th & 14th, he may run out of mobile data.

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Interpol issued an arrest warrant for 38-year-old Vorayuth Yoovidhya – heir to the Red Bull fortune – on charges of killing a police officer with his car in 2012. Yoovidhya is considered a flight risk, since he has wings.

White House officials say Donald Trump could be released from the hospital as early as today, then embalmed as early as tomorrow.

A nuclear fusion reactor – one that spits out more energy than it consumes – could be ready by 2025. Women don’t know whether to put it under the hood of their minivan or marry it.

‘Saturday Night Live’ posted its highest season-premiere ratings in four years, as more Americans than usual fell asleep with the television tuned to NBC.

Regal Cinemas announced they’ll be closing hundreds of theaters, since the new James Bond movie delay gives them no new content to show. “Do you expect us to reopen? No, we expect to die.” said Regal’s CEO.

A new study from the journal Astrobiology claims that some planets may be better for human life than Earth. “How soon can we get there?” asked everybody.

The Supreme Court began its first session since the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Without the octogenarian justice present, they were able to lower the courtroom temperature below 85 degrees.

Three doctors were awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine for their discovery of the Hepatitis C virus. They’ll share the award with Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee, who gave them the samples.

Tropical Storm Delta became the 25th named storm of the 2020 hurricane season, narrowly edging out ‘Dakota’.

Gay men are taking over the #ProudBoys hashtag on social media, sharing photos of kissing and affection. Members of the Proud Boys are angry, and more than a little excited.

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Donald Trump says he’s being assisted in debate preparation by Chris Christie. Christie was seen reading a lengthy order at the McDonald’s drive-thru.

A judge overturned a ban on Uber operating in London. The decision is regarded as a huge victory for British creeps.

17 apps were removed from the Google Play store for containing malware that secretly billed the user for WAP services. That’s ‘Wireless Application Protocol’, not the good WAP.

Demi Lovato posted a photo to Instagram wearing a shirt reading “Dogs Over People”, just after breaking off her engagement to actor Max Ehrlich. She’s now engaged to her dog.

Joe Montana and his wife stopped an intruder who tried to take their 9-month-old grandchild from their home. Jennifer Montana took the baby back, and was credited with a forced turnover, the intruder was credited with one carry for no gain.

Photos from Europe’s CHEOPS Space Telescope revealed WASP-189b – one of the “hottest, most extreme planets” in orbit. The photos are of extraterrestrials doing sick, backside 1080s while chugging Mountain Dew Code Red.

NASA is sending a new space toilet to the International Space Station, which they say is optimized for use by female astronauts. Which is NASA’s way of saying women get their own toilet, instead of having to wait six hours after the men use it.

California prisons will now house inmates by the gender they identify as. Commissaries at men’s prisons say they can’t keep up with demand for makeup, wigs and dresses the convicts are ordering for their transfer hearings.

Magawa, a giant rat, was given a gold medal by a British veterinary group for his work detecting unexploded land mines in Cambodia. Magawa then spent the rest of day trying to alternately eat, and have sex with, the medal.

Former Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale was hospitalized after barricading himself in his house and threatening self-harm. Negotiators said the self-harm was either shooting himself, or going to work for Trump again.

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A construction worker who ate a bag of black licorice every day for weeks died from heart failure. At his autopsy, the five-foot blockage in his colon entered the Guinness Book of Records as World’s Largest Twizzler.

Amazon announced the new Ring Always Home security camera – a flying in-house drone. Pricing is unavailable, but it’s believed to be cheap enough for creepy kid brothers to spy on their sister’s slumber party.

A federal judge ruled Tucker Carlson is not a reliable source of news. She wasn’t in court, she was just sitting at home rolling her eyes watching ‘Tucker Carlson Tonight’.

Two Californians were charged with murder after discarding a dismembered body on a golf course. The hole was a dog-leg right, and two human legs left.

44-year-old Shauna Bishop, a Sacramento County California sheriff’s deputy, plead guilty to sex with a 16-year-old boy. She was placed under arrest, and the boy was placed over her.

An Arkansas man found a 9-carat diamond while hiking at a state park. He plans to have the stone mounted, and finally ask his pig to marry him.

NASA warned that China will launch its own space station in 2022. To prove it, U.S. astronauts at the International Space Station shared menus left on the door handle reading ‘coming soon’.

Donald and Melania Trump were booed when they visited the body of Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They were reportedly shaken because the loudest ones came from inside the casket.

Spoken word poet Brandon Leake won the grand prize on America’s Got Talent. He receives $1 million, and will headline the most poorly-attended show in Las Vegas history.

Police in India are questioning Bollywood superstar Deepika Padukone as part of an inquiry into celebrity drug use. “Don’t give us the usual song & dance” said cops, as Padukone performed a new routine in the interrogation room.

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Great Britain raised its virus threat level for COVID-19, from ‘Pish-posh’ to ‘Good heavens!”

Democrats unveiled a bill meant to avoid a government shutdown, but Republican Mitch McConnell said it omitted farm aid. “That’s because those concerts sucked” said Dems.

Police conducted the largest fentanyl bust in Delaware history, seizing drugs with a street value of $5 million. “Now what’re we gonna do for fun?” asked Delawareians.

A man was arrested for throwing construction debris on New York City subway tracks, causing a derailment. Although Brooklyn hipsters getting off the derailed train were happy to collect the old bricks and distressed wood.

Donald Trump said that his upcoming Supreme Court nominee will be a woman. He’ll announce it Friday or Saturday, after reviewing Playboy’s ‘Women Of The High Court’ issue.

The CDC said trick-or-treating during the pandemic is “high risk”. Trick-or-treaters say handing out candy corn or fruit is “high risk” for getting your house egged.

Australian officials are struggling to save hundreds of pilot whales stranded on sandbars and shallow water – and that’s not even counting the thousands of angry passenger whales.

NASA published its Artemis Plan, which includes landing the first woman on the Moon in 2024. The centerpiece of the plan is using the next four years to heat the Moon to 80 degrees.

Sizzler steakhouses declared bankruptcy. In a statement, the CEO acknowledged the decision was like their steaks – tough.

Hillary Clinton is launching a podcast. So, I guess that makes everybody.

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Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg passed away. The remaining justices expressed their condolences in a 5-3 majority opinion.

Bryson Dechambeau won the U.S. Open Men’s Golf Championship by six strokes, in a tournament seen by millions during commercials while football games were on.

As part of contentious divorce proceedings, Dr. Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young is asking for half ownership of the Dr. Dre name. Death Row Records tracks would be rereleased with credits to Dr. Nicole.

Christina Anstead, co-host of HGTV’s ‘Flip Or Flop’ with ex-husband Tarek El Moussa, separated from current husband Ant Anstead. Antstead is her second Flip and soon-to-be second Flop.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average plunged over 500 points early Monday amidst fears of coronavirus and flu season. Stocks are poised to rebound now that the Dow promised to wear a sweater and take Vitamin C.

A woman suspected of sending a letter to the White House poisoned with ricin has been arrested. Her accomplice told her she should have put it in a Big Mac instead.

Royal Caribbean & Norwegian cruise lines submitted new health protocols to the CDC in hopes of gaining approval to sail again. They also submitted plans for new Hospice Cruises for people who wanted to die at sea, anyway.

Palm Springs, California airport is seeing an rapid expansion of air traffic, as travelers seek the dry desert air to escape coronavirus concerns when they come out as gay.

A rare ‘blue moon’ – the second full moon in a month – will light the sky on Halloween night. So trick-or-treaters can say they caught COVID-19 once in a blue moon.

An August 7th wedding in Maine has now been linked to 8 deaths from COVID-19, and more than 50 terrible gifts from cheap guests.

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Smoke from the U.S. wildfires has reached France – where it now wears a beret and striped sweater and makes fun of Americans along with the other smokers.

Navigation app Waze added lane guidance, so you’ll know when to get in the far-right lane before you start texting.

Donald Trump claims there are 25 witnesses disputing The Atlantic’s report that he called dead U.S. soldiers “losers” and “suckers” while in Europe. The witnesses are Barron’s classmates who clarify that he said it to them at Career Day.

Thanks to wildfires, Portland, Oregon has the worst air quality of any location on Earth. Which is news to the people in the restrooms at Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station.

Simon Properties shopping malls will stay closed on Thanksgiving, but will hold socially-distant trampling events throughout the Holiday season to help folks get in the spirit.

Madonna will direct a film biography of her own life. She’ll fund the project since studios balked at her casting choice for ‘Young Madonna’ – herself.

Red Lobster will offer the Dew Garita, the first “official” Mountain Dew cocktail, and the 100,000th overall, if you count the ones from losers drinking out of brown bags at the skate park.

COVID-19 cases among Florida children jumped 26% in a month. Contact tracers say teacher/student relationships are in full swing.

Eight people in Indonesia who refused to wear masks were ordered to dig graves for COVID-19 victims as punishment. They were then told to lie in the graves and wait.

Big Ten college football will return next month. Every player will be required to take COVID-19 tests. Those who fail will be assigned a tutor whose nasal mucus will pass.

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E! Network is ending ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’. NBA TV might pick it up, but then dump it once they get bored.

An Austrian man set a new record for spending over 2 1/2 hours in an ice bath – then spending 6 hours trying to coax his penis back outside of his body.

A shopping mall in King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania opened a COVID-19 boutique. Masks are required for everyone entering the store to shoplift masks.

#BoycottMulan is trending on Twitter, and with people who don’t have $30.

A drug administered to mice in outer space not only halted muscle and bone loss from zero gravity, it actually grew muscle mass. However, the mice stopped doing experiments and spent all their time oiling each other up and posing in the mirror.

Google launched operating system Android 11. Sadly, for the previous Android, being a 10 still wasn’t good enough.

Drugmaker Astra Zeneca halted human trials of its COVID-19 vaccine after one of the participants experienced an “unexpected illness” – which is what they call “death” during human vaccine trials.

NASA researchers discovered rust on the Moon. Apparently the Lunar Rover that’s been there since 1971 hasn’t been washed too often.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole wants him deposed for their divorce proceeding. “Why would she want me gettin’ deep hos?” asked Dre.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic wrote a lengthy letter to Donald Trump asking to be pardoned because he claimed he’s been sexually assaulted in prison. Guards said that may be true, but only because Joe Exotic paid the guy a carton of cigarettes.

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Facebook announced they’ll block any new political or issue ads in the week before the November 3rd election. In response, the Russian government announced they’re taking that week off.

Samsung announced the Galaxy Fit 2, a fitness tracker that will run for two weeks on a single charge – which is two weeks more running than the people who get it as a gift.

Two gigantic black holes collided and collapsed into one another, forming a single, massive black hole 150 times more massive than the Earth’s sun. Donald Trump declared the new black hole a terror organization and called on supporters to kill it.

The Centers for Disease Control is telling U.S. states to prepare for distribution of a COVID-19 vaccine by early November. They’re offering free shipping, and free returns when they learn it doesn’t work.

Chili’s restaurant is honoring the start of the new school year with a $5 “Jack To School” margarita, made with Jack Daniels, tequila, sour mix and sugar. They’ll even deliver it to homeschooling parents starting at 9a.m. each weekday.

New York City reopened traditional gyms with new safety guidelines, but group fitness classes are still prohibited. Women are adjusting to the new normal of being hit on from six feet away.

A man fishing the Sacramento River in California hooked what turned out to be a live pipe bomb. But since he’s a catch-and-release fisherman, he returned it and blew up a dozen trout and both his feet.

150 guests tested positive for COVID-19 at the world’s largest nudist resort in France. Health officials blame the guests’ refusal to wear masks on their face and buttocks.

An Amazon delivery driver saved a drowning dog in Massachusetts. The dog will be reunited with its owner in about a week since they’re not a Prime member.

Walmart launched a $98 subscription membership service to compete with Amazon Prime. They plan to launch a competing video service as soon as Madea and Larry the Cable Guy can finish 20 more movies each.