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White Claw hard seltzer added three new flavors – lemon, watermelon & tangerine. Their next new flavor will be beer.

Fans of The Masked Singer are outraged at the early eliminations of Chaka Khan and Dionne Warwick. Khan and Warwick said that they, too, are angry they won’t win a contest that pays no money while they sing dressed in mouse and monster costumes.

Fox News contributor Britt McHenry underwent surgery to remove a golf-ball sized brain tumor. Now that she has even less brain tissue, her support is stronger than ever for Donald Trump.

A Philadelphia person tested for the coronavirus does not, in fact, have the infection. Like so many others, it turns out there are lots of places the coronavirus wants to visit before Philadelphia.

Pro wrestler & notorious ‘heel’ MJF gave the finger to a 7-year-old boy at a meet-and-greet event in Chicago, then justified his action in a later statement, “f*ck them kids”. As a make-good, the boy will get a private VIP session with MJF, who will piledrive him.

Passengers on Princess Cruises’ Grand Princess ship were told to stay in their rooms while they wait to get screened for coronavirus, after a prior passenger on the vessel died. It’s so bad, the whales swimming near the ship wear face masks.

Police in Doylestown, Pennsylvania are looking for a man who stuffed $100 worth of tequila down his pants. The thief was so excited, he hung the bottles by their handles.

Google cancelled their I/O 2020 technology convention over coronavirus fears. Google cancelled despite having collected enough personal info on attendees to know who, exactly, is going to get the virus.

The Google Assistant will now read articles in your browser aloud with the command “Hey Google, read it.” Annoyed passengers on buses, planes & trains can give the command “Hey Google, shut the f*ck up.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren is rumored to be ending her presidential campaign, leaving student loan deadbeats with one last remaining hope.

Pornhub announced they’re releasing their first non-pornographic video. It’s a porn star and her kids at the Grand Canyon that she uploaded by mistake, but really captures the scenery.

 

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Actor Dustin Diamond – ‘Screech’ – said his ‘Saved By The Bell’ character should be included in the show’s current reboot. Since he’s already trashed every costar from the original show and made a video of himself naked,  it would be just like high school.

The Dow Jones Industrial average cratered 900 points at the open on Monday, reflecting concerns about the COVID-19 virus on the global economy. In other news, Princess Cruise Lines announced rock-bottom rates on their Going Out Of Business Voyage.

A 62-year-old former Marine broke the Guinness World Record by holding a plank position for 8 hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds. He was awarded a medal, then a hazmat team burned his shorts and workout mat.

Donald Trump visited India, where he was welcomed at a gala event, then chased out of it for sneaking in and eating sacred Big Macs.

A woman claims she performed oral sex on Cleveland Browns QB Baker Mayfield in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Mayfield decided on the sex act after spending 15 minutes looking through her 25-page menu.

Iconic mascot Phillie Phanatic debuted a new look on Sunday – sporting bushier, bluer eyebrows, a blue tail and new sneakers. The team denied the Phanatic received Photox.

A consumer group has 45,000 signatures on a petition demanding that airlines sit families with small children together without paying for seat assignments. Airlines are considering it, but may need to make up lost revenue with ‘crying baby fines’.

California police are investigating a man who drove a Jeep off of a six-story parking garage and crashed it into a neighboring McDonald’s – creating the first-ever “fly thru” window.

A 20-year-old woman and her boyfriend are accused of killing three of their roommates in an argument over rent. A fourth roommate reportedly escaped before they started discussing the cable bill.

Marvel is rumored to be taking over longtime rival DC Comics, after DC parent company AT&T/Warner Bros. objected to a planned fifth-generation “5G” reboot of classic characters. Specifically, a comic where Bruce Wayne switches all of the Wayne Manor & Batcave phones to Verizon 5G.

 

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A cartoon image of Mötley Crüe vocalist Vince Neil appears in a new children’s book, ‘Heavy Metal Harry’s First Gig’. It’s believed to be the first children’s book where someone gets killed in a drunk driving accident.

Louis C.K. finalized the list of cities for his upcoming standup comedy tour. But you have to wait for him to ask before he’ll show it to you.

United Airlines instructed flight attendants not to utilize the central window shade controls on its Boeing 787 Dreamliners, letting passengers seated next to the windows control the shades. They want window passengers to be able to piss off others in the row with light, in addition to climbing over them to use the bathroom.

Corona will launch a line of hard seltzer this spring, for people who don’t think drinking Corona Beer makes them look like a big enough douche.

Donald Trump complained about South Korean film ‘Parasite’ winning the Best Picture Oscar, before telling a crowd at his rally that he’s detaining Dora The Explorer’s family at the Southern Border.

Pizza Hut’s largest U.S. franchisee, with over 1,200 locations, may declare bankruptcy. They haven’t filed yet, coming to grips with the fact that they’ve been out-pizza’d.

Google updated its Terms Of Service to make them easier to understand. It now reads “We’re Taking Your Personal Information And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It”.

Apple filed a restraining order against a 41-year-old San Francisco man who, they allege, is stalking CEO Tim Cook. Cook is reportedly annoyed that the guy doesn’t just FaceTime him.

Disney/Pixar’s animated film ‘Onward’ introduced Disney’s first openly gay cartoon character, lesbian cop Officer Specter. Rumors say she’ll appear in another upcoming Pixar film, where she’s assigned to desk duty after repeatedly harassing Elastigirl.

A University of California study linking vaping to increased risk of heart attacks has now been called ‘unreliable’.  “Good to know” said vapers on the brink of acute respiratory failure.

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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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The United States and the Taliban reached tentative agreement on a ‘seven day reduction in violence’. “Okay, fellas, take the rest of the week off” said the head Taliban guy to his staff of decapitators.

A 98-year-old Pennsylvania woman still sells Girl Scout cookies. She said this year she’s raising more money than last year, when she gave the order form to her Mom to bring in to her work. [story h/t to KN]

The United States evacuated most American passengers on a cruise ship quarantined for coronavirus. Some passengers refused to be evacuated, continuing to camp out next to the buffet waiting for the crab legs to arrive.

Tiger Woods may skip the Summer Olympics Golf Tournament in Japan, because he’s just not that into Asian chicks.

Donald & Melania Trump attended the Daytona 500 and issued the traditional command for racers to start their engines, but only after mistakenly yelling “fore” twice.

Melania was offered the chance to ride in a NASCAR race car, but declined after circling it for an hour trying to find the back seat.

Police in Northern California found 1,400 marijuana plants and seized 440 pounds of marijuana from inside of a building, then they finished giving their speech at the elementary school’s Career Day.

A girl and ten of her friends celebrated her 8th birthday at an Atlanta-area Target store, dressing in red shirts and khakis as employees. All were busted attempting to shoplift Barbies and fleeing through the employee exit.

Jon Bon Jovi is selling his French chateau mansion in New Jersey for $20 million. It’s the priciest French estate in New Jersey, worth ten times as much as a Au Bon Pain in Newark.

Augusta National Golf Club, home of The Masters, unveiled its latest renovation, a tunnel connecting the course to the ‘broadcast village’ used by CBS and ESPN. It’s the most expensive structure built on the grounds since they finished the bungalow for Tiger Woods’ hookers.

 

 

 

 

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Eastern Kentucky linebacker Michael Harris was arrested after dashcam video shows him lifting a police officer over his head during his arrest. He remains in jail, but is hoping to get out in time to bench-press cops at the NFL Combine.

Attorney General William Barr told ABC News that President Trump’s tweets “make it impossible to do my job”. Meanwhile, Trump is telling aides that the new White House intern’s tight blouses and skirts “make it impossible to do my job.”

Subaru received low scores in the J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability Study, based mostly on responses from the member of broken-up female couples who don’t get to use the Subaru anymore.

Walmart announced it’s discontinuing their ‘high-end personal shopping service’, Jetblack. Walmart said it was losing money on the $50-a-month service, despite being able to pay six employees for $50 a month.

Genea Sky, a stripper whose fall from a 15-foot pole was seen millions of times, said she no longer wants to dance again. Sky said she suffered a fractured jaw, although it’s unclear whether that was caused by the fall, or a busy night in the Champagne Room.

A California lab claims to have created a coronavirus vaccine. They plan to start testing on humans this summer, just as soon as they can round up 100 people who each have coronavirus and $50,000 cash.

Roku claims that, by 2024, half of U.S. cable households will have cancelled their video service. Comcast disputed that claim, saying it’s impossible when their current on-hold times to disconnect TV average around three years.

Aerosmith welcomed back drummer Joey Kramer, after telling him he couldn’t perform with the band at the Grammys. Band members admitted they couldn’t really see or hear who was playing the drums, anyway.

Southwest is cancelling almost 400 daily summer flights each day because of Boeing’s cancellation of the 737 MAX. They’re communicating the news to passengers by telling them they’re in boarding group Z.

Universal is planning to open a “Classic Monsters” land in its Epic Universe Theme Park. Kids will be able to interact with scary monsters of yesteryear, such as Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman – and the grandparents who came along on the trip.

 

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The United States Senate acquitted Donald Trump in his impeachment trial. Trump issued a statement calling the decision a complete and total exoneration of banging Stormy Daniels and that Playmate.

Yum Brands – owner of Taco Bell, KFC & Pizza Hut – warned their 2020 results would be impacted by the Wuhan coronavirus. Yum has also halted the rollout of Stuffed Crust Wolf Lovers pizza, Wolf Chalupas, and Famous Wolf Bowls.

Google Maps is getting a redesign, making it easier to accept faster routes that save you 45 seconds by routing you through unfamiliar crime-riddled streets.

February 6th marks the first day of new federal regulations restricting sales of flavored vape pods and eliminating the marketing of vapes to minors. Disney Channel announced they’ll no longer air the episode ‘Handy Manny’s Mango Juul Break’.

Website BroadbandNow released its annual ranking of states where it’s easiest and hardest to get high-speed internet access for $60/month or less. Hawaii was ranked easiest, Alaska was ranked hardest, and Mississippi didn’t participate because who has $60 to throw around?!

Coca-Cola started aggressive marketing for its new Coke Energy drinks, for people who crave the unmistakable original Coke taste and an irregular heartbeat.

Google filed an application with the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office for an operating system it’s calling ‘Pigweed’. The Trump Administration seeks to block it, saying that’s the name they already registered for Nancy Pelosi.

Nike plans a summer 2020 release of its controversial Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT running shoe. The shoe was worn by Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge when he broke the two-hour marathon barrier, and will be worn by thousands hoping to break the ten-minute barrier waiting in line at Starbucks.

After proposing marriage to his dead wife’s maid of honor on the Dr Oz show, Dog the Bounty Hunter celebrated his birthday at Benihana with friends and family. The Asian servers serenaded Dog with ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘No I Don’t Want To Marry You’.

Peloton stock price dropped 12%, as executives reported more Peloton Wives gaining 10% and dropping husbands.

 

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Clothing retailer Express closed 31 stores over the weekend – fast!

China warns the deadly Wuhan coronavirus is becoming more infectious. Australia has confirmed four cases, and is planning to control further outbreak of the virus by burning it.

U.S. health officials confirmed the fifth stateside case of coronavirus, a college student in Arizona. The student is in isolation but, like most Arizona college students, is not worried about missing classes.

Billie Eilish swept four major Grammy categories – Record, Album, Song of the Year & Best New Artist. Oddsmakers now predict ‘Joker’ will win multiple Oscars because of this being such a big year for green hair.

A new book by former National Security Adviser John Bolton reportedly confirms  Donald Trump illegally withheld aid to Ukraine until they investigated the Biden family. The White House reportedly had a preview manuscript of the book for a month, but were waiting for the pop-up version before reading it.

Disney is reportedly adding Fastpass to its Star Wars theme park rides, after visitor complaints about how many parsecs it takes for the line to move.

Florida held its annual Python Bowl, where hunters are invited to catch the large constrictor snakes to reduce their population. That evening in Miami, they held the afterparty – also called Python Bowl – an all-night gay male rave.

A new survey claims 94 percent of Millennials’ No. 1 life goal is to be debt-free. Coincidentally, 94 percent of their parents say their No. 1 life goal is to be free of Millennials debt, too.

Philadelphia’s Chinatown held a parade to recognize the Lunar New Year, welcoming the Year of the Rat. Or, as it’s called in Philadelphia Chinatown, Every Year.

The Wall Street Journal reports supermarkets are increasingly shutting down their pharmacy counters – after losing millions of dollars in OxyContin in the pharmacies’ self-checkout lanes.

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A new Wallethub study claims Iowa is the best U.S. state to drive in. Mainly because no other place creates the same joy you get once you drive your way out of Iowa.

The Impeachment Trial of Donald Trump began in the U.S. Senate on Tuesday,  Trump watched from Davos, Switzerland, wondering when the court clerks finally bring in bag after bag of children’s letters to Santa Claus.

Queen Elizabeth reportedly considered stripping Prince Harry and Meghan Markle of their ‘Duke & Duchess of Sussex’ titles. Harry & Meghan reportedly considered stripping, too, now that they no longer receive public funds.

Health officials in Washington state confirmed the first U.S. case of the deadly Wuhan coronavirus, after someone ordered the cashew shrimp.

Two NYPD officers, a male and female, were disciplined for having sex in a precinct bathroom stall. “Police! Put your hands where I can’t see ’em!” said the female.

Finance website GOBankingRates claims $100,000 in retirement savings will last the longest for residents of Mississippi. They cite affordable housing, low taxes, and the happiness from everyone there calling you a billionaire.

Houston Astros owner Jim Crane said Astros players will publicly apologize at Spring Training for stealing pitching signs in 2018. Then they’ll go to their hotel rooms with groupies in tow and think long and hard about what they did.

Due to unusually cold temperatures in Florida, the National Weather Service issued a “falling iguana” warning, since iguanas may drop from trees because they’ve stopped moving. They also issued a rare “alligators wearing hats and mittens” warning.

It’s so cold in Florida, Donald Duck was spotted in Orlando shopping for pants.

Apple is set to introduce a new low-cost iPhone around March. It’s rumored to cost about $449 for the phone, and $399 to repair the screen after you drop it.

A global study states broadband Internet service in the U.S. is more expensive than 118 other countries. The cheapest high-speed Internet service is found in Syria, although tech support there is a challenge because the call centers keep blowing up.

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The New York Times endorsed both Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren as Democratic Party candidates for President. Donald Trump said that he, too, endorses “two women at the same time”.

Frontier Communications, which provides cable tv & internet service in 29 different states, plans to file for bankruptcy. Executives blame high operating expense, and not realizing that they could just jack up prices every year for the hell of it.

Golf-ball sized hailstones hit parts of Australia. Koalas and kangaroos, already exhausted by wildfires, are now dealing with concussions.

Kelly Ripa said that she stopped drinking when Ryan Seacrest became her cohost, adding that it’s probably a good idea to wait until the show’s over at 10a.m., anyway.

Prince Harry said he and Meghan Markle had “no other option” than to stand down as royals. Meanwhile a thousand different homeless Londoners asked if they could try out Harry & Meg’s unacceptable option for a couple of days.

French tennis player Elliot Benchirit was told off by an Australian Open umpire because he asked a tournament ball girl to peel the banana he planned to eat during a changeover. The umpire told Benchirit to take it out of his shorts pocket.

Gun rights advocates gathered in Richmond, Virginia in a protest against additional gun control in the state. Asked how it was different from a Trump rally, attendees said “calmer, with fewer guns”.

Navigation app Waze is mistakenly sending drivers heading to the Borgata hotel in Atlantic City to a wildlife preserve 60 miles away. The wildlife preserve was established as a safe haven for retired Atlantic City hookers.

A commercial airline pilot has been fired for writing pro-Trump and racist graffiti in the bathroom of a Florida airport. The pilot admitted he has “anger issues” and “a new job with Frontier Airlines”.

Tim Tebow got married in South Africa over the weekend. His wife said she hopes the avowed virgin Tebow is better at sex than he is at baseball.