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Bad news: daily marijuana use leads to increased risk of head & neck cancer. Good news: you, like, totally can’t even feel the cancer in there, man.

A large geographic feature known both as the ‘Double Arch’ and the ‘Toilet Bowl’ collapsed near Lake Powell, Utah. It’s the largest toilet bowl collapse in a western state since NBC stopped filming The Biggest Loser.

The FDA approved a nasal spray that could eventually replace epi pens for emergency treatment of severe allergic reactions. It comes in honey or peanut scent for use on kids who’ve been stung by bees or eaten nuts.

Scientists found a new bacteria that feeds on microplastics. They discovered it when heating up a frozen meal in the microwave and seeing the tray had been eaten.

Starbucks hired Chipotle CEO Brian Niccol to run the global coffee chain. His first order of business is training workers to tell customers that cream & sugar are “a little extra..”.

Gum disease has been linked to Alzheimer’s. No word on whether dirty dentures are linked as well.

A 4.4 magnitude earthquake hit Los Angeles last week. Seismologists noted the quake arrived a half-hour late from its predicted time, then ended early to beat traffic.

Chuck E Cheese is now offering a Fun Pass – a monthly subscription program offering unlimited visits. Divorcing parents are buying Fun Passses and declaring Chuck E. the rat as having partial custody of their kids.

Jeff Bezos met with the Pope. It took the Pope two weeks to get on Bezos’ calendar. They spent about an hour discussing raking in billions while screwing adults, and children, respectively.

Spain’s Maria Morera, the world’s oldest person, died at age 117, following a loooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggg illness.

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Traffic data indicate that post-pandemic commutes are shifting from 9-to-5 schedules to 10-to-4. This is validated by cops seeing more road rage shootings at 10:15a.m. & 4:15p.m..

Four million baby boomers are projected to retire each year for the next four years, creating opportunities for young job seekers in such areas as laying off baby boomers who don’t retire.

The FDA is set to approve new blood tests to detect Alzheimer’s and colon cancer. Cologuard may start testing for Alzheimer’s, as grandparents send boxed stool samples to their grandchildren for their birthdays by mistake.

Organizers of the San Francisco Marathon infuriated competitors in the Half-Marathon event, by mistakenly making it just 12.6 miles instead of 13.1. One entrant did complete a full half-marathon – he entered the marathon and had a heart attack after 13.1 miles.

Researchers in Japan determined a way to bond living skin tissue to a robot. Then every single one of them proposed marriage to the robots.

Intel is laying off 15,000 employees – who are now going fron IntelInside to IntelOutside.

The $269 Ninja Slushi – which cranks out frozen slush drinks in minutes – is a new viral sensation. Unfortunately, kids have wised up and won’t be fooled by broccoli slush no matter how fun it looks.

Lauryn ‘Pumpkin’ Efird – daughter of Mama June and sister of Honey Boo-Boo, filed for divorce from her husband of six years. They’ll share custody of two kids and Pumpkin-carve up the rest of their assets.

Tori Spelling said she’s planning to start an OnlyFans so she can send her kids to college. Spelling is 51 and has had five kids so she’s telling them to focus on community college.

A pregnant Cardi B is once again filing for divorce from husband Offset after another cheating allegation. This is believed to be her third divorce filing, according to her lawyer who was smart enough to keep the second filing in their Drafts folder.

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An Alaska Airlines jet carrying pets arrived at its Portland, Oregon airport gate with its cargo door already open. People living near the airport said it was raining cats & dogs.

Senator Katie Britt admitted the human trafficking anecdote she shared to criticize President Biden’s immigration policies happened before his presidency..and was actually the movie Taken.

The FDA finally outlawed brominated vegetable oil, an ingredient in citrus sodas banned in most other countries that contibutes to metabolic disease. Recall notices were being prepared for Mountain Dew Lemon-Lime Thyroid Blast.

A new study finds diets that mimic fasting five days a month lowers biologic age. Study participants say they haven’t felt this great since they were starving five years ago.

Pope Francis suggested Ukraine show “the courage of the white flag” and give in to Russia. He also suggested altar boys show “the courage of the White Claw’ and party with him at his place.

Oppenheimer won seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and most frequently mentioned film that people said they loved but couldn’t finish.

$2.99 Trader Joe’s canvas tote bags are reselling for hundreds of dollars online. They were originally made to help customers collect the pieces that fall off their car when it gets hit in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Dan Hilferty, CEO of the parent company of the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, said the team will pay a $50,000 fine incurred by head coach John Tortorella for arguing with referees. Hilferty heard from Donald Trump, who said he’s a huge Flyers fan and was wondering if Hilferty wanted to pay off any of his judgments.

Princess Kate Middleton apologized for Buckingham Palace releasing a modified photo of her & her family, attributing it to her “experimenting with editing”. The Kardashian/Jenner family then apologized 50,000 times for every photo they’ve ever shared.

A human resources expert tells CNBC that they spend “25 times” longer reviewing LinkedIn profiles versus resumes. And another “50 times” longer than that getting ready to fire people.

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The FDA warned consumers not to purchase 6 brands of ground cinnamon containing high levels of lead. This, after some people put the cinnamon in the hot cider they were holding and broke their arm.

A University of Pittsburgh study that followed women for 15 years concluded that 28% of women remain “highly interested” in sex in their 50s and 60s – just as long as their partners are okay talking about it for an hour before and after.

YouTuber turned pro boxer Jake Paul will fight 57-year-old Mike Tyson. Tyson is expected to be paid a lot more than he’s earned for his recent fights against CTE and arthritis.

Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, armorer on Alec Baldwin movie ‘Rust’, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. Prison officials checked their camera to ensure there weren’t any live rounds in it before her mugshot.

North West’s best friend shared images of private text messages between the two while West recorded video. The texts were mostly heart emojis, but her other texts from her Dad had some pretty crazy stuff about Israel in them.

New England oceanographers spotted a rare gray whale, which hadn’t been seen in 200 years. It’s either a gray whale, or a really old black whale that decided to stop coloring its blubber.

Las Vegas airport will test the first TSA self-screening check-in terminals. They’re trialing the system with locally-employed exotic dancers, so other passengers can watch as they give themselves a pat-down.

A study found people consuming refined carbohydrates are rated as “more attractive” by heterosexuals of the opposite gender. The study surveyed guys who looked at thin women eating a dozen donuts when they thought no one could see them.

A Texas mom whose son had his drink stolen by a school bully mixed a new drink that the bully took, drank, and sent him to the hospital vomiting. The mom was arrested, but released and now has a thriving business making puke Gatorade for nerds.

The Buffalo Bills resigned backup quarterback Mitch Trubisky after his release from the Pittsburgh Steelers, causing his wife to post a celebratory message on Instagram about going back to Buffalo. Hillary Trubisky remains under observation.

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Applebee’s sold out of ‘Date Night Passes’ – cards offering $30 discounts on meals for two years – in less than a minute. Coincidentally, men who got the passes say their dates last less than a minute when women hear they’re going to Applebee’s.

An American Airlines passenger was kicked off a flight before departure for farting too much and bragging about the smell. American said they had no choice because passengers in adjacent rows paid for upgrades to Fartless Economy Plus.

Actor Ryan Gosling shared a social media post critical of Oscars voters denying nominations for ‘Barbie‘ co-star Margot Robbie and director Greta Gerwig. Toy maker Mattel said it was the first time ever that Ken had real balls.

8-year-old Ella Piazza, a little girl who was lifted up by Jason Kelce so she could show a sign and wave to Taylor Swift at a Buffalo Bills game, was contacted by The Today Show for an appearance. She was also contacted by Ticketmaster to pay $75 in fees for seeing Taylor Swift.

A frozen alligator was still alive while fully submerged under ice of a frozen pond in Texas. Wildlife experts said the gator was merely hibernating and should be left alone, after a good samaritan was hospitalized after attempting to give it CPR.

Alaska Airlines & United Airlines found many loose bolts on grounded Boeing 737 Max 9 jets, and are reconsidering future purchases of Boeing aircraft. Boeing’s CEO responded, promising every new 737 Max jet will come with a free monkey wrench.

A new study finds seagulls are shifting their habitats to urban environments. The birds now realize french fries are more plentiful inland, and it’s easier to shit on people at swimming pools versus the beach.

A new study from China finds life expectancy is longer for people drinking three daily cups of tea – a price that’s not too steep.

Lawmakers are asking the FDA to raise restrictions on tianeptine – a dangerous non-prescription antidepressant known as ‘gas station heroin’. It’s called that because of its opioid-like effects, and because it’s free with a fill-up at participating Exxon locations in the deep South.

A man in India dressed in women’s clothing and wore makeup to masquerade as his girlfriend so she could pass a healthcare career exam. They almost got away with it, but he was standing up while giving a sample for an accompanying drug test.

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Merry Christmas! Thank you to loyal & occasional readers. Have a terrific holiday. cd

The wives of three Philadelphia Eagles players hosted an EaGals Christmas Party for team member’s wives and girlfriends. The Philadelphia 76ers tried, but too many fights broke out when six of the players had their wife & 3 of their girlfriends each show up.

President Joe Biden will issue pardons for certain marijuana offenses, and for a very small number of crack cocaine & prostitution offenses committed by friends of one of his kids.

Philadelphia Police are investigating two suspicious car fires in the city’s Roxborough section – saying it’s easier than investigating the 50 carjackings in the city’s other sections.

A paraplegic claims Delta Airlines let him crawl to his seat when boarding assistance personnel were unavailable. Spirit Airlines said they allow people crawling to their seats to preboard so they’ll have the most time to buy more drinks before takeoff.

The Food & Drug Administration said they seized thousands of counterfeit units of diabetes/weight loss drug Ozempic. In a related story, Dollar Tree said they’re closing their pharmacy counters until further notice.

Satellite radio provider Sirius XM is accused of trapping customers in subscriptions and making it impossible to cancel. It’s so bad, workers at Comcast/Xfinity call centers are dialing in to learn a few new tricks.

A woman arrested for attempting to have her husband murdered in the Bahamas was allowed to go back to the United States for Christmas to visit her children. She has to stay 100 yards from her husband, and not even think about giving him the fruitcake she made.

Tinder is offering $499/month Tinder Select memberships to a limited number of “most sought after” users. In other news, two teen boys who stole their dad’s credit card are busy catching up on all the nude pics they’re getting.

Britney Spears posted an Instagram video showing the charred remains of her home gym following a house fire she started in 2020, when she fired her trainer for telling her to ‘feel the burn’.

A married couple drove an electric car 18,000 miles in an historic journey from the North Pole to the South Pole to raise awareness for climate change and use of electric vehicles. They’re currently looking for divorce lawyers at the South Pole.

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An Arizona woman was trampled to death by an elk she was trying to feed. The woman’s body was found next to a bag from Taco Bell.

The Washington Zoo returned panda bears Mei Xiang and Tian Tian along with their cubs to China. In exchange, China returned several American grizzly bears detained at the Shanghai Zoo for espionage.

Ohio voters legalized recreational marijuana. But it will still take months for Cleveland to move up the America’s Most Livable Cities list.

A magnitude 5.3 earthquake struck near the western Texas town of Mantone. The quake started at 4:27 a.m. and lasted about a minute, at which point Texans stopped shooting at it.

The FDA approved a new injectable weight loss drug, Zepbound, following a lengthy clinical trial that resulted in Kelly Clarkson looking terrific.

GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene is claiming censorship after airport retailer Hudson Booksellers said it won’t sell her upcoming memoir, MTG. Hudson said they based their decision on limited shelf space in airport stores, and Taylor Greene’s supporters being illiterate.

Actors union SAG-AFTRA ended their 118-day strike. Following member approval of the new deal on Friday, actors and studios will get back to work producing crap.

A brawl erupted outside the Los Angeles screening of a film documenting the Hamas terror attack in Israel. Across town, a bigger brawl erupted with hardcore MCU fanboys demanding refunds after a screening of The Marvels.

A former Maryland middle school teacher was arrested and charged with having sex with a student eight years ago when she was 22 and the student was 14. The former student described the sex as “memorable”.

A flight from the U.K. to the U.S. departed with two broken windows in the passenger cabin, and reached 15,000 feet before anyone noticed. Flight attendants attempted to fix them with ‘unruly passenger’ duct tape, but the flight turned around anyway.

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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.

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The Food & Drug Administration is planning to ban the sale of menthol cigarettes, a move that menthol smokers are calling “Not Kool”.

Philadelphia first responders rescued a woman who drove her car off of Freedom Pier into the Delaware River. She was rushed to an area hospital and informed that she failed the parallel parking segment of her driver’s test.

Princess Cruise line’s flagship Ruby Princess vessel is under investigation by the CDC after 37 passengers tested positive for COVID. They were given new COVID tests where a stick is held in front of their mouth as they vomit over the rail with norovirus.

Vladimir Putin accepted an invitation to the G20 Summit in Bali, Indonesia. He requested a block of hotel rooms for himself and fifty food tasters.

James Corden announced he’s leaving CBS’ ‘The Late Late Show’ in 2023, as viewers wonder if he could possibly do it Early Early.

Caitlyn Jenner called women’s collegiate swimming champion Lia Thomas “one of the worst things” to happen to the trans community. Jenner said she spoke from authority, as she is objectively the worst thing to happen to the trans community.

A man participating in research at University of Maryland drank a fecal matter smoothie to give him dystentery. He was paid $7,000 for participating in the study, and $5 to reimburse him for the smoothie he bought at Sonic.

Cancer Council brand sunscreen was recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because it contains benzene, a known carcinogen. Cancer Council executives learned of the recall while they accepted a Truth In Advertising Award.

Measles cases are up 80% globally. Health officials say they’ll continue to promote vaccination to at-risk individuals until they’re red-in-the-face.

A Florida man was arrested after a passenger in his golf cart died after the cart tipped over and he was thrown into traffic. The man failed a field sobriety test and was charged with manslaughter and GCUI.

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Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.